Keeping Secrets & Telling Lies (30 page)
Read Keeping Secrets & Telling Lies Online
Authors: Trice Hickman
The Shoe Was on the Other Foot....
Thirty minutes later Victoria and Ted sat on opposite ends of the couch in their spacious family room. The richly colored walls and elegantly cozy furnishings were a stark contrast to the gloomy mood and uncomfortable stillness that now owned the space.
Even though Ted knew that Victoria didn't want him anywhere near her, he moved over and sat close beside her, anyway. “I want to start by saying I'm sorry,” he began. “Some of what I'm going to say might make sense, and some might not. But please, just hear me out, okay?”
Victoria nodded her head.
“When I first read my mother's letter and discovered that she'd been living a lie her entire life, I was so shocked and stunned I couldn't even think straight. I felt like I'd lost her twice. I had to deal with burying her, trying to hold Lilly together and keep Charlie under control, and then making sure that you and Alexandria were okay. I'm not trying to excuse how I've handled things, but for the first time in my life I didn't feel like I was in control of what was going on around me.”
Ted proceeded to tell Victoria about the trip he had taken to Mississippi to find out more about his mother's life. He told her about his visit with Ms. Hattie and about the up-and-down emotions he'd been experiencing since his discovery. “I hated lying to you,V. But I didn't know what else to do. Imagine finding out that you aren't who you think you are. All my life I've lived as a white man, and then in the flash of a second I found out that I'm not, that I'm black, or at least a part of me is,” he said with a chuckle that was both light and melancholy. “When I look at myself, I don't see a black man, and to be honest, it's hard for me to even think of myself as anyone other than who I am, which is simply Ted, husband and father, period. I had never even thought about the fact that I'm white. I just am who I am. And I never thought about race in any real context until I fell in love with you.”
Ted reached for Victoria's hand and held it. He could see that she was apprehensive and doubting, but he pushed forward, anyway. “Marrying you was the best thing I've ever done. It didn't matter to me that you were black. I loved you. I'm not ashamed of you, or of the fact that I'm married to you. You make me proud, and I know that many, many men of any persuasion would love to be in my shoes. I'm a lucky man.” He smiled. “You've given me a beautiful daughter, whom I adore, and you've enriched my life in so many ways. You and Alexandria mean everything to me.”
Ted positioned himself so that he could look directly at Victoria's face, lifting her chin with his index finger so they were eye to eye. “When the world sees us, they aren't going to see a black couple. They're going to see a white man with a black woman, an interracial couple. I struggled with that part of it ... who I really am. Am I black, or am I white? I look white, but my mother was a black woman, and in this society I'm my mother's child. But I realized that regardless of race, I'm the same person I've always been.”
Victoria couldn't hold her tongue any longer. “Like your mother, you have the option of choosing. It's very convenient to say, âI am who I am,' when society accepts
who
you are.You made your mother's secret sound so shameful.... Hell, I thought she'd killed someone or robbed a bank or something. The only crime she committed was being black.”
who
you are.You made your mother's secret sound so shameful.... Hell, I thought she'd killed someone or robbed a bank or something. The only crime she committed was being black.”
“Being black isn't a crime.”
“You acted like it was.”
“I've just had a hard time accepting and dealing with everything that's been going on. Can't you understand that?”
“It's been nearly two months since you found out the truth, and in that time I'm sure you've done a lot of thinking. As a matter of fact, I know you have, because I've seen the distant, preoccupied look in your eyes. Now I'm sitting here wondering, if I hadn't found out by accident, would you have ever told me?”
Ted looked at her, unable to answer.
“You locked away the evidence, like your mother did, and you're meeting with Abe when he comes to town this Friday. Did you ever plan on telling me, or is this something you were going to take to your grave, like your mother did?”
Ted shook his head. “Honestly, I don't know.”
Victoria let out a heavy sigh as she shifted in her seat on the couch.
“V, I lost my mother, and I found out that she and my father lived a lie. For weeks our daughter walked around worrying that you or I was going to drop dead at any minute, and then I watched our marriage start to crumble before my eyes. Damn it, V, this has been the hardest two months of my life.” Ted shook his head, pausing for breath. “I don't have all the answers, and I don't know how to explain things so that it makes sense to your ears, because it's barely real to mine. And yes, the hard truth is that I didn't want to reveal that my mother was black.”
Victoria looked at him, realizing how much the naked truth hurt. His last words stung.
Ted could see the pain in her eyes. He paused, trying to calm himself as his heart raced, beginning to literally pound inside his chest. “Does it freak me out to know that I'm black? Hell, yes. Am I ashamed of it? No. It's a vacillating feeling, but I can't say that it's shame. I just don't know how to deal with it. The way I handled things was wrong.” He looked into Victoria's eyes, hoping she'd see the truth and sincerity in his words. “Being ashamed of who I am would mean that I'm ashamed of who you are, and of the beautiful child we created.”
“Then why did you make your mother's secret seem so ... bad?”
Ted took a deep breath. “Because what she did was a terrible thing. It was wrong. She denied who she was, and that denial kept Lilly, Charlie, and me from knowing who we truly are. She taught me how to live in secrecy, how to keep things locked away in private places. From the time I was Alexandria's age, she drilled into my head that reputation and image were everything and that you should go to any lengths to guard them, even if it meant living an unhappy life and holding up a facade to the world that was total bullshit. That's how I operated until I met you. I'm not saying that my mother is responsible for the mistakes I made. Those are mine and mine alone. When I spoke of my mother's secret, what you heard in my words and in my voice was frustration and sadness.”
“Sadness?”
“Yes. My mother lived her entire life with pain and conflict always resting in her heart. Maybe that's why it was so difficult for her to get close to people.” Ted cleared his throat, choking back a small tear, which eventually traveled down his cheek. “I don't want to be my mother. I can't live my life that way. Please forgive me,V.”
Ted reached out for Victoria, and without hesitation she embraced him, hugging him close as they leaned back into the couch.
“Shhh,” she whispered. “You can choose a different path.” She stroked his hair, soothing him as she spoke. “I'm still not sure what to make of all this, but one thing I know is that we'll take each step together.”
Victoria held him in her arms while he rested his head on her chest, unloading the last of his burdens from his heart. She ignored her chirping BlackBerry, switching it to vibrate in order to silence the annoying sound. She knew it was Denise, trying to get in touch with her to see why she had not come back for her afternoon appointment. But at the moment, she knew she was exactly where she needed to be.
She ran her fingers through Ted's thick black hair, kissing the top of his head. She knew they had both done things they wished they could change. Lies and secrets were a troubling combination, and she wondered when hers would come to light. But for now, she held on to the moment she had in her hands.
“I love you,V,” Ted whispered, holding Victoria close.
“I love you, too.”
They lay together, side by side, still and remarkably peaceful for another full hour. Even though it wasn't the way Ted had wanted Victoria to learn about his mother's secret, he was relieved that everything was finally out in the open. He felt comfort and assurance in her arms. And although he knew that she still had mixed feelings about all that had just happened, and the many things he had said, he knew they were headed in the right direction.
Victoria also felt relieved that the truth was finally out. She still had questions, though, not about Ted's mother's past, but about their future. She wondered if he would tell the rest of his family, or even acknowledge it to hers.
Will he just continue to live as a white man, because basically that's who he is?
A thousand thoughts ran through her mind, but she didn't have the luxury to worry about them, because other duties called. She looked at her watch. “I need to head over to the school to pick up Alexandria.”
Will he just continue to live as a white man, because basically that's who he is?
A thousand thoughts ran through her mind, but she didn't have the luxury to worry about them, because other duties called. She looked at her watch. “I need to head over to the school to pick up Alexandria.”
“I'll go with you,” Ted offered.
Victoria hesitated. “You don't have to.”
“But I want to. I've never picked her up from school, not even when she was in day care. This will be a little surprise for her.”
We've had enough surprises for one day,
Victoria thought but didn't say. And though she dared not mention his name, she feared it would be just her luck that they would run into Parker.
Victoria thought but didn't say. And though she dared not mention his name, she feared it would be just her luck that they would run into Parker.
They gathered their things and headed to the garage. Ted opened the passenger-side door to let Victoria in the car. He took her hand in his. “V, I promise that from this moment forward I'll never keep anything from you, ever again. I know you've lost some trust in me, and I don't blame you, but I'm going to work hard to regain it.”
Victoria felt herself shrinking. There he was, talking about trust and second chances, and all the while she was keeping a secret of her own. For a split second, in the spirit of open and honest disclosure, the thought crossed her mind to confess about her brief indiscretion with Parker. But then her common sense kicked in, persuading her to keep her mouth shut. So instead of standing in front of her husband with the taste of betrayal on the tip of her tongue, she swallowed her sins, jumped in the front seat, and wondered if he'd give her a second chance if the shoe was on the other foot.
Walking a Death March ...
The minute Victoria and Ted pulled into the pickup line in the school parking lot, Victoria knew there would be more drama, as she'd spotted Parker's vehicle. Even though he was parked several cars ahead of them, and large SUVs and minivans were partially blocking her view, she could spot his black Navigator anywhere. She could see from where she sat that his truck was empty, which meant he had already gone inside to get PJ. Most days PJ's nanny picked him up from school, but today of all days Parker had decided to do the honors.Victoria bent her head down, rubbing her temples.
I can't believe this!
I can't believe this!
“What's wrong?” Ted asked.
“Slight headache.” She unbuckled her seat belt in a hurry. “You can wait here. I'll go inside and get Alexandria.”
Ted opened his door at the same time. “That spoils the entire surprise. I'm coming with you.”
As they walked up the steps and entered the building,Victoria silently prayed the quickest, most desperate prayer she had ever uttered.
Even though he was still worked up over their confrontation, Ted had the presence of mind to know that something was wrong with his wife, and it had nothing to do with uncovering his mother's secret or their terrible argument that had followed. Her body language and facial expression spoke volumes that her mouth didn't. He'd noticed her mood when they left the house, and he knew the reason why she was so uneasyâher fear that they would run into Parker Brightwood.
From the moment he learned that Parker's son was in Alexandria's class,Ted knew it was only a matter of time before he and Parker came face-to-face again ... and he was ready. He knew there was a chance that Parker would be there to pick up his son, but that was of no concern to him, because his priorities rested with Victoria and Alexandria. He was thankful that the burden he'd been carrying was lifted and that his family now had a chance of getting back to normal. And at that moment, all he could think about was seeing his daughter's face light up with surprise when he walked into her classroom. In his mind, he relegated Parker to a consequence he'd deal with when the time came.
“It's the last classroom on the right,” Victoria said, looking straight ahead, as though she was walking a death march.
Ted slowed his pace and came to a stop just outside of Alexandria's classroom. He gently rested his hand on Victoria's elbow. “Don't worry. It doesn't matter who's on the other side of that door,” he said, looking into Victoria's eyes. “Like I've always said, the only thing that matters is you and me.”
They looked at each other for a long moment. Victoria wanted to believe him, but she knew what he didn't. She exhaled, desperate to relieve the fifty-pound weight that had settled on top of her head. She had no doubt that whatever the situation,Ted wouldn't show his ass in public, and certainly not in front of their daughter. But suddenly she wasn't so sure about Parker. The last time the two men faced each other, it had turned into an ugly scene.
Victoria nodded her head and followed Ted as they walked through the door.
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