Keeping Jahleel (Loving All Wrong #1.5) (6 page)

“The fuck are you askin’ me exactly? If I’m gonna sleep at Marsha’s?”

“Yes, JK, that’s exactly what I’m asking.”

The skin around his eyes tightened as he scraped his teeth over his lower lip. He could get cheesed all he wanted; I didn’t give two craps.

“I’m not fuckin’ her,” he bit out.

“Well, if that’s the truth, I can expect you back here by midnight, right?”

He stepped into my space, circled his arms around me, and kissed me softly. “Midnight.”

Then he left.

For the next hour, I laid in that gazebo looking out at the rose petals and candle-decorated pool as I forced weak, whiny Saskia out of me and welcomed back the old, strong Saskia. I was going to need her if I planned on keeping Jahleel.

I loved this dream.

Because this was the first time a sex dream allowed me to come, instead of having me wake up right before the climax.

My hips shot up off the bed as I cried out at the intense pleasure that raced through me. I came with a force. Sweet baby Jesus, this was some dream. Some orgasm.

But then I felt warm hands on me, the air shifting, then weight on top of me. A steel-hard cock pushed into me next, tearing me open, and I moaned at the utter pleasure of it.

It wasn’t a dream. It was
him
. My life.

My
real
life.

With a blissful smile, I flickered my eyes open and met his hooded ones staring down at me.

“Hey,” he whispered, his hair falling down in his face.
God, he was beautiful
.

“Hey, yourself,” I breathed back, smile still intact as he moved in and out of me, uncharacteristically slowly.

He opened his mouth to say something, but then it just remained agape as his eyes shuttered down and a groan rumbled in his throat. “Wait…I need a…Fuck, Sassy, stop moving your hips…Jesus…”

I didn’t. It was too good watching him come undone above me. “Missed me?”

“I…Ah, fuck…” His hands came up and cupped my face desperately hard, then he kissed me even harder as he flexed in, out, in, bit my tongue, then stilled. Falling completely apart with a stiffening orgasm.

“
Waow
,” I teased. “That was quick.”

Enervated, he buried his face in the crook of my neck. “Was jerkin’ off while I sucked you…you were so wet…” he defended. “And yes, I did miss you all night.”

All night
?

Peering over his shoulder, I looked to the bay windows and realized that the sun was already ascending. It was morning. He stayed out all night. With her. Even though we agreed on midnight. He
slept
there.

My body must have given off some signal or something, because he pushed up on his forearms and stared down at me with an uncertain expression.

“Midnight,” I said in a quiet tone, aiming for calm. “We agreed on midnight.”

“Yeah, I know. But when we were leaving the hospital Claire was cryin’ for me to come with them. So I went. Spent the night in Claire’s room answering 101 questions about nothing. Next thing I knew, she was jumping up and down on top of me and it was morning. Sorry, Sassy.”

He expected me to believe him? “You fucked her, didn’t you?”

“You know,” he seethed, getting off me, off the bed, eyes narrowing to slits. “There’s another question you could’ve asked me to avoid unnecessary fuckin’ arguments. Another question that would’ve made me feel like you actually give a shit about more than my dick.”

I sat up in bed, using the sheets to cover me up.

Jahleel angrily dragged on his boxers. “A question that goes something like: ‘Will your daughter be okay?’ or ‘Was it anything threateningly serious? ‘“

Crap. I was awful. Here I was worrying about Marsha when the real deal was that his daughter was ill and he was being a good father by being there for her.

He didn’t give me a chance to apologize, though, as he went on. “You’ve got no idea how hard I worked to get to this point with her, for her to know who I am to her. I was a stranger to her, and now she fuckin’
cries
for me. I missed four fuckin’ years of her life. This means a lot to me, Sassy.” Marching over to the bedroom door, he wrenched it open. “I’m her
father,
Saskia
.
She owns me, too.”

Ouch
. I winced as he dropped that one and disappeared through the door.

She owns me, too
.

Well, wasn’t that a wakeup call? Not like I was trying to shun his daughter or anything. It was Marsha who I didn’t like. Still, he was right. I should have acted like I gave a crap about his daughter. And I did. Care about Claire, that is. But I was so blinded with jealousy and distrust that I failed to see what was important.

Jahleel must really love me to put up with me and my nonsense.

Slipping out of bed, I plodded over to his chest of drawers and took out one of his plain white tees, pulling it over my head as I shuffled out the bedroom and went in search of him.

Found him in the kitchen arranging ingredients to prepare breakfast. His back was turned to me as he filled a kettle with water at the sink, but he must’ve felt my presence, because he spoke without turning around. “You’re never gonna trust me again, are you?”

I didn’t answer. Why bother? He knew it was the truth. Last time, he’d promised me exclusivity then went straight ahead and unapologetically cheated.

My memory catapulted back to that night.

Leave. I won’t be there.

He’d tried to get me to leave the house. Because he knew what he was going to do. Therefore, if I hadn’t been there to catch him in the act, he would’ve easily cheated and I wouldn’t have known about it. He would’ve carried on dating me as if nothing never happened, most likely having an affair with Krissy behind my back.

So, no, trusting him wholly again was miles away from here. And that was a problem. A huge problem. Because we were bloody engaged. About to get married. And there was absolutely no trust on my behalf.

Jahleel turned off the tap and set the kettle on the stove before turning around to face me, gripping the counter-top behind him. He almost read helpless.

“I know. It’s my fault. I’ve given you solid, inexcusable reasons not to trust me,” he said quietly, humbly. “But you have to believe me when I say you’re all I want. I’ve never been in a place like this before and I feel so fuckin’ helpless tryin’ to convince you at every turn. There was a time when I wanted nothing and no one. Now I want everything
with you
. But you don’t trust me and you don’t believe I’ll stay, and I don’t know how to keep you. I’m tryin’, but no matter how hard I squint, I can’t see any future happiness with us except for arguments, accusations, and assumptions. We’re just stuck in one fuckin’ place with no progress whatsoever and I can’t…”

What’s he saying?

I walked up to the kitchen island separating us, gripping onto its edges to stop my fingers from trembling. “What’re you saying, JK?”

Moving away from the sink, he came across to the island, standing opposite me, pressing his palms flat on the counter. “I’m saying, you need some time to yourself to figure out if this is what you want. If
I’m
what you want.”

Oh God, no.
I gripped the counter harder, but my hands trembled anyway. “I don’t need time to myself to know that. Because that’s bloody easy. I’ve known since the very second you touched me in that dancing room back in Manchester. Yes, this is what I want. You’re who I want.”

“A man you can’t trust?”

“No—I…I just need time—”

“Exactly what I just said.”

“No!” I shouted, slamming my fists down on the counter. “Not that kind of time. Not time
away
from you. I meant that I need time to trust you again.”

“You need time overall, Sassy.”

“You are not the one to determine that!”

Jahleel pushed back from the island, grabbed his vegetable basket, cutting board and knife, brought them over and started chopping. “It wasn’t a suggestion, Saskia. I’m telling you to leave.”

“
What?
”

“Two weeks, come back and tell me what you decide.”

“You’re asking me to leave your house, your life?”

“Telling,” he said, avoiding my eyes. “Not asking.”

He couldn’t look at me. He was playing tough, playing man, when he knew this was hard. He couldn’t even be an asshole with me anymore without me reading right through it. This was bullcrap and he knew it.

Rounding the island, I sidled up beside him, hand on my hip as I stared up at his side profile. He still wouldn’t look at me, his hands working as he chopped sweet peppers at professional-chef-speed.

“Look at me and tell me to leave,” I dared him.

“Don’t care for your games now, Saskia.”

“It’s Sassy. You call me
Sassy
!” He was the only person who called me by that name, and I cherished it. Now he was taking that away, too? “
Look
at me and tell me to leave, JK.”

When minutes ticked by and he did nothing but chop fucking vegetables, I tipped up on my toes so my lips reached up to his ears, and hissed, “I’m only going to leave because I think
you’re
the one who needs some time to figure out if this is what you want. Two weeks is all
I’m
giving
you
. And no, I’m not gonna do the whole ‘take the ring off and throw it at you’ thing. You gave me this ring. You asked me to marry you. This ring is mine.
You
are mine. And if two weeks passes by and your head is still stuck up your fucking shitty arse, I’m coming for you.”

As I lowered back down from my tippy toes, I thought I glimpsed something akin to a smile on his face. But that wasn’t verified, because his face was as hard as granite by the time I double checked to be sure.

Turning on my heels, I marched back to his bedroom and stole one of his boxers, hauled it on under the previously stolen white tee, scooped up my car keys from the dresser, and stormed back out.

As I passed through the living room, I looked across to the kitchen. Jahleel was still chopping away. There was a lot of chopped vegetables there. A lot more than I think he really needed for whatever he would be preparing. Not once did he look up as I stomped through the house and out the door.

If he thought he was backing out of this, he was sadly mistaking. Not a chance on this wretched earth I was giving him up. He wanted me to stop whining and accusing, I would, but he wasn’t
leaving
me, that’s for sure.

I eased into my Mercedes convertible and fucked-off down the driveway. When I braked at the gate to make a left turn out, I shot a glance into the rear view mirror to look back at the house.

And there standing at the window of his living room, was Jahleel. Watching me leave.

Something he knew deep down he didn’t want me to do.

“I love you, too, Jahleel Kingston,” I whispered to the rear view mirror as I drove off.

Leaving him alone to his guilt.

“H
ave I ever told you that I love you? Well,
I love you
. So, so much. Like, really, really love you. Seriously. I mean, love as in
love
—”

“Okay! I get it, you love me,” I said through a laugh, cutting off Alina’s ebullience over the surprise party I threw for her eighteenth birthday.