Keep Me Still (19 page)

T
he
police officer raps on the driver’s side window and I flinch. For one dark and terrible moment, I’m back there. My life trickling out onto the concrete. Sirens and flashing lights. A man in uniform leaning over me and saying, “
She’s okay—she’s alive
.”

But I kind of wasn’t. Or at least I wished I wasn’t. And then I never figured out how to come back to life afterwards. Not really.

Landen holds me and rocks me and pulls me out of the darkness. Like he did at Homecoming. Like he did when two sophomores got into a fight next to my locker and again when fireworks went off unexpectedly after a football game and I nearly seized out in front of the whole school. He holds me and keeps me still. Like he always has.

I’m cold, abnormally cold, and I know if he lets go I’m going to go into shock. I thought I was past needing him, needing anyone. But as he holds me and grazes his lips across my forehead, mumbling over and over that it’s okay and I’m okay…I know I’m not. I am the opposite of okay because I need him. I need him so badly and he’s already left me once. I reach a hand up to touch the scar I got the day my parents were killed, but his grip is too tight for me to reach.

After giving the police our IDs for the accident report, the overeager medics make us all go to the university medical center and get checked out. Skylar gets a whopping two stiches in his forehead. Corin and I leave with matching pain pill prescriptions for whiplash.

Landen was actually injured the worst. He has a huge cut on his forearm that took eleven stitches. Plus a steering wheel-shaped bruise already forming on his chest since the rear impact didn’t set off the airbag. But he never once complains. The whole time we’re getting seen he never goes out of arm’s reach, even though the resident checking us out tried to make him get an x-ray without me. Stubborn ass that he is, he refused. I’m going to feel horrible if he has a broken arm or something.

Since Landen’s truck was towed to a local body repair shop, and the ambulances drove us to the hospital, we have to take a cab back to the dorms.

“Well, this was a hell of a first day,” Skylar says as we get out at mine and Corin’s dorm.

I smile at his joke, but I’m panicking. If, no,
when
Landen leaves, I don’t know how I’m going to face Corin and explain my not-so-little freak out. I’m so tired and hollow it’s as if the entire universe is pressing down on me. Landen’s the only thing keeping me vertical right now.

I slip my hand into his and he squeezes tight.

“Corin, would it be okay if, um, Landen stayed in our room tonight?” Before she answers, I realize I should’ve checked with him first. His body tenses at my words and I feel stupid for assuming. “I mean, if you don’t mind,” I say to him.

“It’s cool with me,” Corin answers before Landen can respond. “But don’t athletes have to check in or something at curfew?”

“Yeah we do,” Skylar informs us. “But I can call Dean or Mike and tell them what happened.”

“Do that,” Landen says, squeezing my hand again and pulling me closer. And the bone chilling cold that settled into me dissipates, replaced by warmth radiating directly from his touch.

B
ecause
he felt me shivering, Landen insists I take a hot shower when we get into our room. Even though the AC still isn’t working and none of us thought to salvage the fan. As I step out of the steam-filled bathroom in my robe, I can tell they were talking about me by how quickly they fall silent. Landen and Skylar are sitting on the futon, and Corin’s in the desk chair. Her face is flushed, but it’s nothing compared to the raging inferno in Landen’s bloodshot eyes.

“Guess the freak’s out of the bag,” I mutter, crossing into the bedroom to put on pajamas. I grab a gray t-shirt and matching pink and gray shorts and slam the dresser drawer. Why can’t I just be normal? Maybe I should just let go of any hope I had left of having a normal life. Tears pinch my eyes, and I kind of wish I hadn’t asked Landen to stay so he wouldn’t have to see me like this.

“Hey.” Landen’s deep voice, heavy with exhaustion, startles me. I flinch as he slides the partition between rooms shut behind him.

“Hey,” I answer, avoiding his stare.

“Please don’t be mad. I didn’t tell them everything. Just that you have a condition and that what happened in the truck could’ve been a lot worse. Corin really needs to know, Layla. She’s your roommate for God’s sakes.”

“I’m not mad at you,” I tell him, and surprisingly, it’s the truth. “I just wish I didn’t have to be like this.” My voice breaks at the end and Landen crosses the room to put his arms around me.

“You are perfect. You’re the strongest person I know,” he says to the top of my head.

“How can you say that?” I ask as the tears begin to fall “I’m damaged, defective, like there’s a glitch in my brain or my wiring or something.” The tears fall faster, and I’m angry, but not at him, not really. “You should be with someone normal, someone who doesn’t fall apart at loud noises, screeching tires, and cars backfiring.”

“Layla,” he tries to break in but I’ve broken the dam and I can’t stop the pain from flowing out of me and onto him.

“Do you have any idea what it feels like to come to in a room full of people staring at you in horror and have no idea what kind of humiliating spectacle you just made of yourself? How shame slams into you as you realize you’re thirteen, or fourteen, or hell, seventeen years old and you just pissed yourself for everyone to see? It takes everything I have to walk down the street, to enter a crowded room, and not run out because I know it could happen at any moment and I can’t really control it.”

“Stop. Listen to me. Tonight was my fault. Do understand that? I was trying to find a side street to avoid traffic and I was distracted and—”

“No, Landen.” I shake my head. “No. It was pouring rain, and it was a freaking fender bender. Any other human being would’ve been fine.”

“I don’t want any other human being. I want you.” His eyes are full with heat and blazing into mine as he backs me up against the wall between the beds.

“Why?” I choke out over my stupid, shameful sobs. “Why in the world would you want me?”

He tilts his head, looking at me as if I’ve asked a ridiculous question as he takes a step closer. “Why in the world
wouldn’t
I want you? Jesus, Layla. I’ve always wanted you, since that first day. Not a minute has passed since the first time I laid eyes on you that I haven’t wanted you. Needed you. I will always want you. Even if I screw this up so badly you stop wanting me back.” His name escapes my lips just as he covers my mouth with his.

The need in his kiss shatters me. Breaks me apart and puts me back together again all at once. Pulling him to me and pushing myself at him, I taste my tears on his lips. When his mouth leaves mine, I cry out, but his breath is warm on my neck as he opens my bathrobe. A spasm rocks my body into him and he groans, sending heat flooding through me. His flaming dark eyes take in my exposed body, and I drop the pajamas I was holding onto my bed. His fingertips skim the bare skin of my arms, raising chillbumps all over my body.

“I never should’ve left,” he whispers, dropping to his knees and throwing my world off its axis. “Why did you let me leave?”

“I thought—
”
When his lips sear the sensitive skin on my stomach, my head falls back against the wall. “
Oh, God
.”

“What? You thought what? Tell me,” he murmurs against my hipbone. My whole body is racked with a steady trembling that, under any other circumstances, would be terrifying. “I can’t think straight with you doing that,” I choke out, and he stills. I plow my fingers through his hair. The softness tickles between my fingers. “I didn’t mean for you to stop.”

Landen’s throaty laugh vibrates against my lower stomach and he trails hot wet kisses north until he’s standing upright. “Layla,” he says simply, as if I’m not melting into a puddle on the floor, weak with want.

“Landen,” I huff out, pulling my robe closed. “Never figured you for a tease.”

Arching an eyebrow, he grins wickedly at me, and I’m nervous he’s going to throw me on the bed right this second. But he just leans down and kisses me on the forehead. “I think we should let our roommates have this room, separate beds and all. You and I can continue you this later—once they’re asleep.”

Oh no. Dread and guilt hit the pit of my stomach simultaneously. Corin’s celibate. I didn’t even think about how Skylar staying here might be uncomfortable for her. “Good idea,” I tell him as I drop my robe, giving him one more glimpse of my naked body before changing quickly into my previously discarded jammies.

“Jesus, Layla. You’re really testing my self-control here.”

I smirk at him. “Aren’t athletes supposed to be all about control?” I throw my robe back over my clothes since Skylar’s out in the common room.

“I’ll show you control,” he mutters, taking a step toward me and yanking me to him using the string from my robe. He backs me up to the wall once more and plunges his tongue into my mouth until I’m panting for breath and clinging to him for more.

He pulls back, grinning when I moan in protest. Holding my hand, Landen slides the partition into the wall and pulls me into the other room where Corin and Skylar are sitting and talking in the same spots where we left them. My face warms instantly. The walls aren’t that thick and the partition is even thinner. They probably heard everything, or at least the highlights.

Corin’s eyes are lined with exhaustion but wide with concern. “You okay?” she asks.

I nod, even though I’m not
.
I’m dizzy and weak and my insides are on fire.

“Hey, um, so I have a buddy with a studio apartment nearby and he’s out of town. This has been a shitty night for all of us so Corin and me were thinking maybe we’d go crash there. It’ll give you guys some time to talk in private.”

The Skylar I’ve come to know typically would’ve given Landen a big obnoxious wink, but right now he seems to genuinely comprehend that something intense is going on. As much as I want to be alone with Landen, I know how much Corin’s celibacy means to her, and I don’t want her compromising that for me.

Landen is nodding but I put my hand on his chest. “No, it’s fine. We can sleep out here and Skylar can have my bed.”

“No offense,” Corin’s breaks in, “but as much as we enjoyed that little interlude, uh, we’re going.” She stands, grabbing her purse, and Skylar pulls himself up off the futon. “Besides, it’s too damn hot in here and Skylar’s friend has working AC.” She looks right at me when she says
hot
and I know she’s not just referring to the temperature.

“Okay…but can I talk to you for a sec, um…in the hall?” I try to convey silently to her with my eyes that spending the night alone with a boy is not the best way to remain celibate.

“Layla, I know what you’re going to say. And it’s fine. I have it handled. Promise.” She hugs me and whispers, “But be careful. You know where the condoms are,” in my ear before she and Skylar turn to leave.

“Um, you be
careful
too,” I say, and then I’m alone with him. Alone in nothing more than an extended bedroom, with the boy who has the power to destroy me. Again.

T
he
universe is a bitch. A bitch who I must’ve screwed and forgot to call the next day. Because the exact moment that Layla let me pull open her robe, and I knew she was giving herself to me completely, was the exact moment I developed a conscience.

I couldn’t do that without telling her the truth. But once I tell her the truth, she’s going to be understandably pissed. And done with me. So much for balance.

After Skylar and Corin leave, we’re alone and things are careening downhill from hot to awkward at an alarming speed. It’s probably for the best, though my dick would definitely disagree. I lower myself onto the futon where she’s sitting, staring at the door.

“You okay? If you really want them to stay, I’ll call Skylar and tell him to get his ass back here.”

“No, I, um…” She pauses to clear her throat and I look around the room. It’s very Layla. Deep purple everywhere and throw pillows all over the place, much like her room back home. Well, her home. I don’t think I’ve ever actually had a home.

“I’m worried about Corin,” she says softly, staring down at her hands. I lean back and watch her fidget for a moment. Delicate fingers twisting in her lap, full bottom lip pulled tight between her teeth.

“Not to be a jerk, but your roommate seems like the kind of girl who can handle herself. In fact, maybe I should be worried about Skylar.” It’s a joke and I expect her to laugh but she flinches back and glares her ass off at me.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I didn’t mean anything bad. She’s seems like a tough chick, that’s all.” I grin. “She’s instilled fear in my cold, dead heart on more than one occasion. And I was raised by a man who was specially trained by high-ranking government officials in how to instill fear.”

“Oh. I thought you meant that she seemed slutty or something.” Her cheeks flush and she offers me a small smile.

Yeah, okay, that too. But I’m not stupid enough to say it out loud. I shrug. “No, but I’m not a big fan of that term anyways. Girls can like sex and do what they want without me trying to label them for it. In fact, uh, before you, those were my favorite types of girls.”

No. Dammit. Words, come back.
Why did I say that? Oh yeah, because I’m being honest and trying to make triple sure I don’t get laid tonight. Got it.

“Oh really?” Layla says with a grin, but she pulls her knees up to her chest, and I know I’m ruining everything. I know because I’m doing it on purpose.

“Yeah, I mean, what’s wrong with a girl who knows what she’s doing? And who doesn’t have a ton of expectations? I always knew it was only a matter of time until I moved again, so why bother with anything with potential? You see where that got us.”

“It got us here,” she says so low I almost don’t hear her. “Is here so awful for you?”

No.
Yes. Fuck. I need to punch something. To go for a run until I don’t have energy to think or feel or give a shit. I almost laugh at the irony. I cut my father out of my life after the divorce but I can’t cut him out of my head. Without him around to punish me, I punish myself.

“You weren’t too happy to see me at orientation. Or at the club.” I shrug like her turning away from me didn’t cut me deep a hundred times over.

“It was a surprise, that’s all.”

“And not a good one, right? Because of that night, because I left.”

She sighs and twirls the tie-string on her robe. “Because I was
confused,
Landen. My feelings for you have always been overwhelming and new and…scary.” She whispers the last word and I’m hit with so many emotions I can’t respond right away. The very same emotions I’ve learned to shove down so far they never show.

“Why?”

Her adorable little nose scrunches. “Why what?”

“Why are you scared?” I ask her, brushing her still slightly damp hair back behind her ear. Like I don’t know. Like I’m not two heartbeats from running out of here to keep us from doing what we both know we’re going to do. That’s why I tried to put the breaks on. We need to talk, hash out the truth before going any further. But I’m selfish, like the Colonel says. So I stay put.

“Honestly? You know how it was for me in Hope Springs. I was isolated, ignored, and frankly, I was managing because part of it was my fault. I liked them giving my space at first, and by the time I wanted to reach out…it was too late. I was getting through, but that’s all I was doing—just
getting through
my life, going through the motions on autopilot.” A sadness that tightens my chest, making it impossible to swallow, washes over her face. “And then you showed up. And you saw
me
. You thought there was something wrong with them, and even after you learned about the five-piece set of emotional baggage I was carrying, you still wanted to be my friend. And more. And you made me feel things again. Things I hadn’t felt since before my parents died. And things I’d never felt period.”

“And then I left,” I mutter, disgusted at myself all over again.

She huffs out a breath and finally releases the string she’s been twisting. “You did what you had to do. I see that now. How would you have felt if you’d sent your mom back to Colorado alone? And, God forbid, how would you and the Colonel have lived together? One of you wouldn’t have made it out alive.”

She’s more right than she knows, but now’s not the time. She’s scooched herself closer to me on the futon, and her robe has fallen open. Under her small gray t-shirt I can see the outline of her breasts and it’s distracting as hell. Not to mention the tiny plaid shorts that barely cover her smooth thighs. Aw hell, now my voice is cracking and shaking the same way hers did. “I wanted to come back. I had plans for us to meet up halfway and maybe go on Spring Break together but…”

“But I shut you out,” she finishes for me. “Because I was hurt. And there was some other stuff going on, medical stuff that just…had me starting back at square one. Back to going through the motions. And if I let you back in I would’ve had to feel. And I really didn’t want to feel anything.”

And there it is. My opening. The words that should prompt me to tell her why I’m here, not that that’s even the exact reason anymore…but still. She deserves to know.

“Speaking of the medical stuff, Layla, there’s something—”

“Shh, Landen.” She cuts me off with my name on her breath and then, even more effectively, her actions. Pulling up on her knees to lean into me, she wraps her arms around my shoulders and hitches a leg over my lap. She’s straddling me, sinking her clear aquamarine eyes into mine, and I can’t even remember what I was going to say or why.

“Layla,” I groan, placing my hands on her hips.

“I’m ready to feel now,” she whispers. She grinds herself against me and I fall down into the endless pit of emotion I’ve been edging around since I left her. Head first.