Kaspar and Other Plays (14 page)
LXIV
| He stops speaking. There is silence. Then Kaspar says: |
| What was it that I said just now? If I only knew what it is that I said just now! If I only knew what I said just now! What is that that I said just now? What was I actually saying just now? What was it that was being said just now? If I only knew what I said just now! What was that actually that I was saying just now? |
Even while he is asking himself these questions, he, like the other Kaspars, begins to giggle and the like. At the same time the prompters sing his previous verses to the end. Kaspar, for instance, is snapâping his finger against the microphone, producing a whine. All the Kaspars, while the prompters are singing, finally emit genuinely infectious laughter. Finally, sighing and giggling, the speaking Kaspar and the other Kaspars gradually grow quiet. The audience hears two or three of them filing their nails.
Kaspar in front says:
Every sentence
is for the birds
every sentence is for
the birds
every sentence is for the birds
There is silence.
He begins to speak without versifying.
A spotlight is on him.
Every sentence
is for the birds
every sentence is for
the birds
every sentence is for the birds
There is silence.
He begins to speak without versifying.
A spotlight is on him.
I was proud of the first step I took, of the second step I felt ashamed; I was just as proud of the first hand which I discovered on myself, but of the second hand I felt ashamed: I felt ashamed of everything that I repeated; yet I felt ashamed even of the first sentence I uttered, whereas I no longer felt ashamed of the second sentence and soon became accustomed to the subsequent ones. I was proud of my second sentence.
Â
In my story I only wanted to make a noise with my first sentence, whereas with my second sentence I wanted to call attention to myâself, and I wanted to
speak
with the next sentence, and I wanted to
hear
myself
speak
with the next sentence, and with my next sentence I wanted
others
to hear my speaking, and with the next sentence I wanted others to hear
what
I said, and with the next sentence I wanted
others
who
also
uttered a sentence not to be heard, and used only the next to last sentence to
ask questions
, and began only with the last sentence of the story to ask what the
others
had said, the others who were ignored while I said my sentence.
speak
with the next sentence, and I wanted to
hear
myself
speak
with the next sentence, and with my next sentence I wanted
others
to hear my speaking, and with the next sentence I wanted others to hear
what
I said, and with the next sentence I wanted
others
who
also
uttered a sentence not to be heard, and used only the next to last sentence to
ask questions
, and began only with the last sentence of the story to ask what the
others
had said, the others who were ignored while I said my sentence.
Â
I saw the snow and attacked the snow. Thereupon I said the sentence: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, with which I wanted to express why the snow was biting my hands. Once I woke up in the dark and saw nothing. Thereupon I said: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, with which I wanted to express, first of all, why is it that the whole room has been moved away, and then, because I did not see myself, why have I been cut off from everything that belongs to me, whereupon, because I had heard someone, namely myself, speaking, I said once more: I want to be a person like somebody else was once?âwith which I wanted to express that I would have liked to have known who else was making fun of me while I was speaking. Then once I took a look into the open, where there was a very green glow, and I said to the open: I want to be a person like somebody else was once?âand with this sentence I wanted to ask the open why it was that my feet were aching. I also noticed a curtain that was moving. Thereupon I said, but not to the curtain: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, and with that I wanted to say, but not to the curtain, I don't know to whom, why are all the table drawers out and why does my coat always get caught in the door. I also heard someone climbing stairs which creaked, and thereupon I said to the creaking that I want to be a person like somebody else was
once, with which I wanted to express when will my head feel lighter again. Once I also let my plate fall to the floor, but it did not break, whereupon I exclaimed: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, with which I meant that I was afraid of nothing in the world, whereupon I said once more: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, with which I wanted to make comprehensible that something probably could make me afraid, for example a cracked icicle; and once I felt no more pain, and I shouted: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, with which I wanted to say to everyone that I finally felt no more pain, but then I felt pain once more and I whispered in everyone's ear: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, with which I wanted to inform everyone that no, on the contrary, I felt no more pain and that everything was all right with me, with which I began to lie; and finally I said to myself: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, and wanted to know with that what that sentence, which I said to myself, what it actually means.
once, with which I wanted to express when will my head feel lighter again. Once I also let my plate fall to the floor, but it did not break, whereupon I exclaimed: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, with which I meant that I was afraid of nothing in the world, whereupon I said once more: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, with which I wanted to make comprehensible that something probably could make me afraid, for example a cracked icicle; and once I felt no more pain, and I shouted: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, with which I wanted to say to everyone that I finally felt no more pain, but then I felt pain once more and I whispered in everyone's ear: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, with which I wanted to inform everyone that no, on the contrary, I felt no more pain and that everything was all right with me, with which I began to lie; and finally I said to myself: I want to be a person like somebody else was once, and wanted to know with that what that sentence, which I said to myself, what it actually means.
Â
Because the snow was white and because snow was the first white I saw, I called everything white snow. I was given a handkerchief that was white, but I believed it would bite me because the white snow bit my hand when I touched it, and I did not touch the handkerchief, and when I knew the word snow I called the white handkerchief snow: but later, when I also knew the word handkerchief, when I saw a white handkerchief, even when I uttered the word handkerchief, I still thought the word snow, because of which I first began to remember. But a brown or gray handkerchief was not snow, just as the first brown or gray snow I saw was not snow, but the first gray or brown that I saw, for example animal droppings or a sweater. But a white wall was snow, and just as much as absolutely everything became snow when I looked into the sun for a long time, because I then saw only snow. Finally I even used the word snow, out of curiosity, for something that was not white, to see whether it would turn to snow because of my uttering the word snow, and even if I did not say the word snow I was thinking it
and remembered at every sight if not the snow itself at least the word snow. Even while falling asleep or while walking along a country lane or while running in the dark I kept saying the word snow all the time. But finally I reached the point where I no longer believed not only words and sentences about snow, but even the snow itself when it lay there in front of me or was falling, did not believe any more and held it neither for real nor as possible, only because I no longer believed the word snow.
and remembered at every sight if not the snow itself at least the word snow. Even while falling asleep or while walking along a country lane or while running in the dark I kept saying the word snow all the time. But finally I reached the point where I no longer believed not only words and sentences about snow, but even the snow itself when it lay there in front of me or was falling, did not believe any more and held it neither for real nor as possible, only because I no longer believed the word snow.
Â
The landscape at that time was a brightly colored window shutter. As of the time that I saw the shadow a chair cast on the floor, I have from that time on always designated a fallen chair on the floor as the shadow of a chair. Each movement was running because at that time I wanted to do nothing but run and run away from everything; even swimming in the water was running. Jumping was running in the wrong direction. Even falling was running. Every liquid, even when it was calm, was a possible running. When I was afraid, the objects ran very quickly. But nightfall at that time was becoming unconscious.
Â
When I did not know where to turn next, it was explained to me that I was afraid when I did not know where to turn, and that is how I learned to be afraid; and when I saw red it was explained to me that I was angry; but when I wanted to crawl away to hide I was ashamed; and when I leapt into the air I was happy; but when I was near bursting I had a secret or was proud of something; and when I nearly expired I had pity; but when I knew neither left nor right I was in despair; and when I did not know what was up or down I was confused; but when my breath stopped I was startled; and when I became ashen-faced I was afraid of death; but when I rubbed my hands together I was satisfied; and when I stuttered it was explained to me that I was happy when I stuttered; when I stuttered I was happy.
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After I had learned to say the word I, I had to be addressed as I for
a time because I did not know I was meant by the word you, since I was called I; and also, when I already knew the word you I pretended for a time that I did not know who was meant, because I enjoyed not understanding anything; thus I also began to enjoy responding whenever the word you was uttered.
a time because I did not know I was meant by the word you, since I was called I; and also, when I already knew the word you I pretended for a time that I did not know who was meant, because I enjoyed not understanding anything; thus I also began to enjoy responding whenever the word you was uttered.
| When I did not understand a word I doubled it and doubled it once more, so that it would no longer bother me. I said: war, war; rag, rag. I said: war, war, war, war; rag, rag, rag, rag. Thus I became accustomed to words. | Meantime, one of the Kaspars has taken a large file out of his carton and rasped once across the carton. Thereupon he also begins to file on the Kaspar sitting next to him. The sound produced by the filing is of the kind that drives one wild. All the Kaspars wear some kind of material which, if a file, knife, or nail is applied to it, produces all manner of excruciating noises. Up to this point, only one of these noises has been produced, and briefly. The Kaspars might have on their clothing pieces of foam rubber, tin, stone, slate, etc. All these are in the carton. One might also use the noise produced by crumpling the wrapping paper. The noises now become increasingly more frequent and louder because all the Kaspars in back begin to work on the cartons and on each other with their files, knives, slate pencils, nails, fingernails, etc. One by one, they get up and form a tight, wrangling huddle. However, each noise is distinct from the others: none is produced indiscriminately; nor do they drown out the words of Kaspar 1 at the microphone; on the contrary, they make them even more distinct. |
| I first saw only one person. Later, after I had seen this one person, I saw several other persons. That certainly surprised me. | |
| I saw something sparkle. Because it sparkled, I wanted to have it. I wanted to have everything that sparkled. Later I also wanted to have what didn't sparkle. | |
| I saw that someone had something. I wanted to have something like it. Later I also wanted to have something. | |
| When I woke up I ate. Then I played and also spoke until I fell asleep again and woke up again. | |
| Once I put my hands in my pockets and could not pull them out again. | |
| Once every object seemed to me to prove something, but what? | |
| Once (he tries to swallow) I was unable to swallow. | |
| Once ( he tries to sneeze ) I was unable to sneeze. | The sounds become increasingly more ample and prolonged. For instance, one will hear the sound of a door scraping along a stone floor, of a metal bar slipping along a polar bear's claws in a circus, of a sled running its runners from snow onto gravel, of chalk or a fingernail on slate, of a knife scraping a plate, of people scraping a marble floor with nails in their shoes, of a saw cutting through new wood, of a fingernail scraping across a pane of glass, of cloth tearing, etc. (Leave something to the imagination, but not too much.) As these noises are produced, and as the various objects in the cartons ( foam rubber, etc .) are cut up, the Kaspars gradually come to the front of the stage. |
| Once ( he tries to yawn ) I was unable to yawn. | |
| Onceâ( with effort he tries to speak the following sentence to the end ) pursue the others ⦠I caught ⦠no one vanquished ⦠the objects were ⦠I drove ⦠no one caressed ⦠the others stormed ⦠the objects had ⦠no one pushed ⦠I shoved ⦠the others showed ⦠the objects became ⦠I moved ⦠the others ripped ⦠no one lowered ⦠the objects are ⦠the objects have ⦠the others rub ⦠no one hits ⦠I drag ⦠the objects become ⦠no one chokes ⦠the others get â¦âI was unable to speak a sentence to the end. | |
| Once made slip slip ⦠once madip slip slip ⦠once madip slin slin ⦠monce mamin m:m:m â¦âI made a slip of the tongue, and they all looked at each other. | |
| Once I was the only one who laughed. | |
| Once I sat down on a fly. | |
| Once I heard everyone scream murder! but when I looked I only found a peeled tomato in the garbage can. | |
| All at once I distinguished myself from the furnishings. | |
| Already with my first sentence I was trapped. |
I can make myself understood. I think I must have slept a long time because I am awake now. I go to the table and use the table, but look at thatâthe table continues to exist after it has been used. I can appear because I know where my place is. I cannot fall asleep with dry hands, but when I spit into my hands they become even drier. By saying: the chair is harmless, it is all over with the chair's harmlessness. I feel good when the door, having stood open for long, is finally closed. I know where everything belongs. I have a good eye for the right proportion. I don't put anything into my mouth. I can laugh to three. I am usable. I can hear wood rotting over long distances. I no longer understand anything literally. I cannot wait until I wake up, whereas earlier I could not wait to fall asleep. I have been made to speak. I have been converted to reality. âDo you hear it? (
Silence
.) Can you hear? (
Silence
.) Psst. (
Silence
.)
Silence
.) Can you hear? (
Silence
.) Psst. (
Silence
.)
Â
The stage becomes dark.
Silence.
Silence.
Â
LXV
As the stage becomes bright once more, the events on stage are again divided into three parts: together with Kaspar's speech as follows, the prompters come on again. Whispering, they repeat something like this:
If only. Own future. Now every second one as opposed to every fourth one at one time. A possible object. If only. Make life easier. If only. Development. If only. In reality. If only. In constantly growing numbers. If only. Serves the. If only. Bears dangers. If only. It is necessary for that. If only.
Finally, they repeat over and over again, until the end, speaking softly:
If only. If only. If only.
Meanwhile, the Kaspars come forward
(
filing, etc.
)
and proceed to manhandle the speaking Kaspar with their files, etc. They make particular fun of one object, say a chair, laughing at it, imitating it, costuming it, dragging it off and imitating the sound it makes as it is being dragged across the floor, thus making it utterly ridiculous
and making it and all other objects
COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE.
Kaspar 1 has gone on speaking:
If only. Own future. Now every second one as opposed to every fourth one at one time. A possible object. If only. Make life easier. If only. Development. If only. In reality. If only. In constantly growing numbers. If only. Serves the. If only. Bears dangers. If only. It is necessary for that. If only.
Finally, they repeat over and over again, until the end, speaking softly:
If only. If only. If only.
Meanwhile, the Kaspars come forward
(
filing, etc.
)
and proceed to manhandle the speaking Kaspar with their files, etc. They make particular fun of one object, say a chair, laughing at it, imitating it, costuming it, dragging it off and imitating the sound it makes as it is being dragged across the floor, thus making it utterly ridiculous
and making it and all other objects
COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE.
Kaspar 1 has gone on speaking:
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