Just Stay (19 page)

Seb just shakes his head, can't even find the words to describe what Evan is. He's amazing. Just
beautiful
, in every sense of the word. And Seb... Well, he isn't. At least, he doesn't really think so.

"He's in love with you, Seb," Sophie says, and her words are like a velvet-clad knife in his chest, soothing and painful, all at once. "He's not wasting his time. I don't think he is, and I know for a fact that he doesn't think so, either."

Seb glances at her.

"How can you be so sure?" he asks.

"I just know," she says, a hint of a jokingly conspiring tone in her voice. "Just trust me. I do. And you know it, too."

Seb looks away again. He does know. At least, he thought he did, he thought he knew.

"I think he's ashamed of me," he hears himself say, and closes his eyes for a moment, frowning. "I mean, maybe not ashamed, but..."

He opens his eyes again.

"I don't know."

Sophie doesn't ask for details. Seb wouldn't be at all surprised if she knew exactly what he's talking about, seeing as how she has known both the Matthews boys much longer than he has. And if nothing else, either Jake or Evan (Jake, most likely) may have told her. Or maybe she just noticed how Evan behaved when confronted with his father, and having to introduce Seb and who he was to him.

Seb suspects that she knows, and her next words confirm it.

"He's not ashamed," she says softly. "He's not ashamed of you, or of what you guys have. I know he's not."

"Then why would he do that?" Seb says sharply, that hurt anger seeping in again. "If he wasn't ashamed, why would he literally pull away from me in public? It's like, as soon as there are people around and someone might see him, he treats me like I'm just a friend, or something. He won't even touch me, just looks around like he's paranoid. I thought I didn't mind, but... I guess I do."

He says the last few words with a certain amount of bitterness, and they are true. Evan doing that was painful, excruciatingly so, and it didn't exactly help the doubts Seb already had about how Evan felt, the doubts he has had since they first met. And as he thinks about it, Seb forgets to feel bad for a moment, to feel guilty. Instead, he remembers that he's angry at Evan, and that Evan has hurt him.

"I know," Sophie says with a sigh. "He can be an asshole."

Seb cocks his head in agreement, and neither of them speaks for a few moments.

"But it's not you," Sophie eventually says, echoing the words Evan used yesterday. "It really isn't. I know he comes off as over-confident, and maybe he is, sometimes. But he does have his own insecurities."

Seb wants to contradict her, but then he thinks about it. She's right. With the drinking and the self-worth issues and the anger, Evan definitely isn't perfect, and he definitely isn't as confident as Seb first thought him to be. But none of that bothers him, not really. Evan isn't perfect, but he is
his
. No matter what. It's just what his insecurities has made him do that's a problem.

"Evan gets scared, too, you know." Seb looks up at Sophie as she says it. "He just isn't so good at communicating that."

She adds that last part with an affectionate smile, and Seb feels himself soften a bit.

"I know," he admits. "But I can't be in this, if he isn't. If he can't even be near me around other people, if he just pulls away from me every time... It makes me feel like he doesn't want me. Like he's ashamed of me."

He looks at Sophie pointedly, knowing that
ashamed
is a rather strong word. But she gets the idea.

"I get that," she says. "I respect it. But he deserves a chance. This whole thing has been hard for him, just like it has been for you. But he's getting there. He just needs time."

Seb hates to admit that she has a point. He hates to admit that it's his own insecurities, rather than Evan's behavior, that has made him act this way. But that still doesn't make Evan's actions okay.

"Fine," he says. "But I'm still mad at him."

Sophie just smiles. Seb shakes his head.

"It's just..." he says, sounding distant and lost in thought. "He's just so amazing, you know? That he even wants to be with me... It feels surreal, sometimes. I feel like I'm just waiting for it to crash, waiting for him to just snap out of it and leave. And when he does stuff like that, it doesn't exactly help."

Sophie nods.

"I know," she says. "And you should be mad at him. But don't let it ruin everything. Just give him some time."

She nudges Seb gently, her hand on his shoulder.

"You guys are so good together," she says. "And he needs you, even if he doesn't say it. Just give him a chance."

Seb looks at her.

"I want to," he says. "I can try."

And for a moment, Seb feels weirdly hopeful, like everything will be okay. But then, he's suddenly reminded of the other part; the part where basically broke up with Evan and sent him away. It doesn't matter if Evan is the reason he acted that way. Seb is still to blame, and he said some incredibly unfair, selfish and shitty things.

"I just don't know how," he hears himself say, and Sophie makes a thinking-noise.

"Well," she says. "You could come with me and Jake tonight."

Seb frowns, before he remembers. Evan is playing tonight, at that bar, and Seb promised to come. He cringes, though, as he thinks about it.

"I don't think so," he says. "I don't think he'll want me there."

"He will." Sophie sounds certain. "It shows you still care."

"You think that'll be enough?" Seb sounds highly doubtful, and Sophie shrugs.

"It's a start," she says. "Baby steps, right?"

Seb thinks about it, before he suddenly laughs.

"What's so funny?" Sophie says, smiling.

"Nothing," Seb says, shaking his head. "It's just that you and Jake... You take care of us. How would we ever manage on our own?"

Sophie smiles wider, planting a kiss on Seb's cheek. She knows he has a point; this is the second time, after all, that either Jake or Sophie has made an intervention and basically turned Seb's and Evan's relationship around. Seb doesn't mind, though. He really doesn't. Jake's advice was incredibly valuable last time, and he knows that he can trust Sophie's judgment as well.

"You'll do fine," Sophie says. "Eventually."

Seb certainly hopes so.

Chapter 14

Tangled

Seb can't quite believe that he actually decided to take Sophie up on her offer.

After she left earlier, Seb considered the idea of going to see Evan play tonight, showing that he still cares, as Sophie put it. It seemed like a good idea, the right thing to do. But he quickly starts freaking out, and actually decides to just stay home, to just stay in his room all night.

That splendid plan quickly falls apart, however, when Jake decides to come by and pick him up.

"Seb," he says, knocking on the locked door. "I know you told Sophie you'd go tonight, but I figured you might wuss out. We're here to get you."

Seb stares at the door, eyes narrowed. It takes another minute of knocking and persuasion from Jake, before he finally opens the door, and Jake smiles at him, a mix of triumph and relief on his face.

"Excellent," he says. "Now come on, let's go."

Seb reluctantly goes with him, to the car waiting outside. It's Jake's car; very ordinary, very clean, and not nearly as personal or impressive as Evan's. But it's just fine. Seb imagines he's probably a bit biased, anyway.

Sophie is waiting in the passenger seat, and she smiles at Seb as he slips in the back. She's kind enough not to tease him, though, or point out the fact that she and Jake actually had to come and get him. She probably knows, just like Jake, that he indeed had wussed out and planned on hiding away all night, rather than facing Evan.

As they start driving, Seb feels himself get oddly nervous. His palms are sweating a bit, and he distractedly drags them against the fabric of his jeans, staring out the window. It's dark outside, and pouring down. He's glad he doesn't have to walk, instead sitting safe and snug inside a car.

Jake and Sophie are talking to each other about when Evan is playing tonight, and about what kind of performances they will see. Seb barely pays attention.

He's nervous, anxious. He wants to make things right with Evan, but even disregarding the fact that he's still angry at him and hurt, he feels guilty about how he acted, himself. He's not sure he can handle seeing Evan. It won't help anything, won't change anything. He doubts that Evan will even change his whole no-proximity-in-public thing; it seems to be simply too hard for him. And that's kind of a deal breaker for Seb, even though he's willing to compromise and let Evan get over his own insecurities about other people's opinions, in his own time. Everyone else knows him as straight (incredibly so, really), and seeing him with a guy would definitely raise more than a few eyebrows, so Seb kind of gets where Evan's apprehension is coming from.

But regardless, Seb doesn't want to be his secret. He doesn't want Evan to feel so insecure about his own sexuality, that he chooses to pretend that Seb means nothing to him, as soon as other people are around.

But Seb still takes Sophie's advice; going tonight can't possibly make things worse. And when they finally reach the bar and park the car, Seb takes a deep breath before stepping out.

It takes about three seconds to get from the car to the bar's entrance, but the persistent rain still manages to get them all quite wet, and they duck inside, Jake cursing to himself.

Seb looks around as they enter the bar, Jake and Sophie right beside him, and he does his best not to tense up.

This is ridiculous; they have been here a total of ten seconds, and he's already doing his very best not to look for Evan, trying not to scan the crowd for his face. But it's impossible not to, of course. Even with all of these people, the place practically full, he can't help himself. Jake and Sophie notice, without a doubt, but they're kind enough not to mention it. They know that Seb is conflicted about coming here, as it is.

Seb reminds himself that he is angry, and that he wanted to stay home. But this night is important to Evan, he realizes, and Seb
did
promise to come. And no matter how angry or hurt he is, no matter how Seb acted and no matter how fucked up it all is, Seb simply can't find it in him to hurt Evan like that. He can't find it in him to hurt him
more
.

Seb, Jake and Sophie sit down at a small, round table near the back, where they have a clear line of sight to the small stage. Seb finds himself fidgeting a bit, as he sits on the high barstool, that leaves him about as high up as he would have been while standing.

What would Evan say if he saw him here? Would he care? What would Seb say? He came here to show some kind of support, but he honestly feels like Evan doesn't deserve it, after how he acted. And he feels like he, himself, doesn't deserve any other response than a glare, either.

"I'm gonna get us something to drink," Jake says, getting up from the table, and Seb sees out of the corner of his eye how Sophie smiles at him, as he leaves. But he doesn't look at her. His blue eyes are sweeping across the room, landing on the bar over by the wall, which Jake makes his way over to. He remembers when Evan took him here, bought him a beer, the second time they ever met. It was nice, fun. They talked and hung out, and Seb remembers being surprised at just how easy it felt, at how much Evan went against his first impressions of him.

"Our first date."

Seb swallows as he thinks about it, and looks away from the bar, looking at the small stage and the crowded audience if front of it, instead. Evan's words echo inside his mind, the tone of them happy and light. His stomach twists.

Seb can practically feel Sophie looking at him.

"You okay?" she says, and Seb tears his gaze away from the audience to look at her. He doesn't reply, and she gives him a kind, sympathetic smile.

"Thank you for coming," she says, reaching out and rubbing his upper arm in a comforting way. "He'll be glad you did, I know it."

Seb still doesn't reply. Instead, he just tries to smile back, before returning to his search for Evan's face. He doesn't know why he bothers. What is he going to say or do if he spots him, anyway?

Jake returns shortly with two beers, and he hands one to Seb, while bringing a coke for Sophie, who is the designated driver. Seb thanks him, but then looks away as Jake gave Sophie a kiss. Somehow, their bliss is painful to him at the moment. He takes a sip of his beer.

There's some guy on stage, wailing into the microphone with a rather nasal voice. Even Seb can hear that his guitar playing is sloppy, and as soon as the song is over, the guy bows out, to the sound of lukewarm and rather unenthusiastic applause.

"That was the fourth one, right?" Sophie asks Jake, and Jake makes a sound of confirmation.

"Yeah," he says. "Evan should be up in a minute."

Seb feels a shudder run through him. Evan is the fifth one on the list of performers tonight, as he heard Jake mention in the car. It's a pity that the performers' time is so short, Seb finds himself thinking; Sophie mentioned that each person only gets to play one song, and a cover, at that. Three or four minutes isn't much, when it comes to making an impression, really.

Then again, Seb remembers Evan definitely making an impression on him during the first few minutes they ever spent together, so maybe it's not so bad.

Seb keeps his eyes on the stage, unable to look away, waiting. The guy who just finished has been off the stage for about a minute or so, when Evan walks on. And when Seb sees him, he feels his grip tighten on his beer bottle.

Evan is wearing those torn jeans that Seb likes, and a short-sleeved, button-up shirt, open over a black t-shirt. The shirt is green, and although Seb can't see properly from where he's sitting, he knows that that shirt must bring out the green of Evan's eyes perfectly.

Evan's light brown hair is ruffled, as though he has just pulled his fingers through it, and if he is nervous, this is probably the case. He sits down in front of the microphone, the strap of his acoustic guitar slung over his shoulder. He scans the crowd and smiles when he catches sight of Sophie and his brother. And then he sees Seb, and his smile falters. Instead, he looks oddly scared, nervous, and Seb doesn't smile, either. He's still angry, he reminds himself. He is still angry.