Just Destiny (41 page)

Her gaze dropped to the ovulation kit. Her old confidant couldn’t help her on this one. Maybe her mother could. Mom had had trouble getting pregnant with Jenny and then had had multiple miscarriages after her birth. Maybe she could help her decide what to do.

Reaching for her seatbelt, Jenny buckled in and headed for her parents’ house. Since Mom semi retired last year, she spent the majority of her days in the yard, tilling, planting, weeding, pruning, raking, fertilizing, mowing—doing it all. While they could afford a lawn service, her parents refused to even consider it, maintaining that they did a far better job than any service. Jenny couldn’t argue that; they had the most beautiful yard on the block. It was something they enjoyed doing together and that was important.

She found her mom weeding in the back yard. Crouching down next to her, Jenny pulled out a tall weed hiding beneath a tomato plant. “Missed one.”

Her mother jumped. A gloved hand flew to cover her heart. “Good Lord, Jennifer Lyn, you scared me. What’re you doing here?”

She sat Indian-style on the grass next to the garden and pulled a scraggly weed. “I need advice.”

“About what?” Mom sat with her legs folded to the side and pulled off her gardening gloves, giving Jenny her full attention.

“Pregnancy. Conception, really.”

“Not exactly my strong suit, if you recall.”

Jenny brushed the dirt from her hands. “I have to use in vitro fertilization to get pregnant. I’ll have to give myself hormone shots every day and have all kinds of blood tests. Then when the time is right, have general anesthetic to laproscopically remove some of my eggs to mix with Gabe’s sperm in a petri dish. Once we see how many eggs are fertilized, they test them for Huntington’s, and then we decide how many of the healthy embryos to implant.”

“It sounds involved.”

“Yeah.” She ran a blade of grass through her fingers. “You know that now they can even take a single sperm and help it penetrate an egg to almost ensure fertilization? It’s amazing.”

“But?” her mother asked gently.

“It’s so clinical.”

“You knew getting pregnant with Gabe gone wouldn’t exactly be natural.”

“At first it seemed so simple. Save Gabe’s sperm, take it home, squirt it up, and after nine months I get a sweet baby to love. I get a forever reminder of Gabe and our love and my own little family—me and the baby.” Jenny licked her lips and frowned. “But it keeps getting more and more complicated. What should have been simple and private has become complicated and public. And painful.”

She scanned Jenny’s face. “Are you having doubts about wanting the baby?”

“No. I
want
the baby.” She paused, swamped in confusion. “But how do I know what I want is what I should have? Like a kid
wants
all kinds of candy and goodies, but it’s not good for him to eat all that.” She looked at Mom, hoping for an epiphany. “How do I know having this baby’s the right thing to do?”

“That’s a toughie. Life doesn’t come with a road map or guarantees. You just have to look at the situation from all sides and make the best decision you can.”

“It’s sooo complicated. And it keeps getting worse. It was bad enough fighting George, but now finding out about Gabe’s Huntington, artificial insemination’s out and I
have
to do in vitro.”

“Then do in vitro.”

“But then I’m creating embryos—little prebabies. And they’ll discard the ones that test positive for Huntington’s and only implant the healthy ones.”

“Ah…” Mom’s frown, smoothed and her expression lightened. “So that’s the real problem. You’re upset at discarding unhealthy embryos.”

“I guess.” She sighed. “It doesn’t seem fair. They’re embryos I created. It’s not their fault they’re not healthy. It’s my fault, yet they’ll have to pay the consequences for my decision to create them.”

“You know embryos don’t have any cognitive processes—no feelings. Some would debate that they’re not really even alive since they’re not viable outside a womb.”

“I know, but we don’t know for sure they don’t have feelings. They undoubtedly have souls. And I know that giving birth to a flawed, painful life is choosing to make them suffer and it’s probably better for them to never be born,” She made a face. “But it seems so heartless and wrong.” She sighed. “Then you freeze the healthy ones you don’t use right away—that seems a bit barbaric. And thirty to thirty-five percent of those don’t survive the thawing to implant, so it’s almost like killing them. And I might get twins or triplets.” She turned to her mother, pleading. “Tell me what to do.”

Mom’s glance sharpened and she pulled back. “Ho ho. Not a chance. You’re not putting this on me. This is one of those damned if you do and damned if you don’t moral decisions that I don’t think has a clear right or wrong answer.” She paused. “You’re making a decision for you and your future child. Ultimately you’re the only one who can puzzle this out ’cause you’ve got to live the rest of your life with the choice you make. And Dad and I will support whatever you decide.”

“Hey, Jen.” Bowl in hand, Michael came out the sliding glass doors. He shoveled a heaping spoonful of cereal into his mouth, mumbling, “Wha’s fo din’r, Mom?”

Mom shaded her eyes against the lowering sun and looked up at him. “Leftover spaghetti.”

“After that huge bowl of cereal?” Jenny asked.

He hefted his bowl at her. “Snack.” He shook his head and plunked down on a boulder near them. “I ate the spaghetti for breakfast. Dad home?” He tilted the bowl, scraping the last of the cereal.

“Not till tomorrow night. I guess we’re having pizza.” She turned to Jenny. “Want to stay for dinner?”

“Sure.”

Mom looked at Michael. “Call Nona’s and order what you want.”

“Buddies pizza?”

“Fine.”

Michael stood. “Can I drive?”

Mom picked a clump of grass and shook the dirt off it. “Sure, Jenny’ll go with you while I clean up.”

Michael pumped a fist in the air and turned toward the house.

“Bowl,” Mom yelled after him.

“You want me to drive with him?” She hadn’t driven with Michael since he’d finished Driver’s Ed last month. He was well-coordinated and had good spatial recognition, so she bet he had a good feel for driving, but…

“Take my car. Just be careful on Mack Ave. He has a tendency to gun it through yellow lights instead of stopping.” Her mother smiled slyly. “Here’s a little taste of parenting.”

“Great.” A parenting lesson seemed a bit premature when she couldn’t even decide
how
to get pregnant. “I still don’t know what to do about the baby.”

“Let me ask you this.” Mom tossed a weed in her bucket, then looked at Jenny. “Do you want
a
baby or Gabe’s baby? If the judge decides against you, would you get a sperm donor who had Gabe’s characteristics and have a baby?”

“No.” She frowned. “I mean, I don’t think so. It never occurred to me.” Just
a
baby? It would certainly cure her loneliness, give her something to love and keep her busy…“No. I only want Gabe’s baby.”

“So this isn’t about experiencing pregnancy and being a mom.”

“No.” She shook her head. “But I’m not so sure I should have it if it involves IVF with genetic selection. I mean logically I know it’s the only way to ensure a healthy child, but…”

“You’re overthinking it. Deep down, you know what’s right for you.”

Jenny sat, trying to silence the conflicting thoughts so she could feel the right answer. The deep green grass blurred before her eyes, and she suddenly realized the other part of her dilemma. She wiped her eyes, but couldn’t look at her mother, somehow feeling ashamed.

“I don’t
really
know what Gabe would want either. I told the judge I did—I thought I did, but now I’m not so sure. I know
I
want it, but…” She knew Gabe hadn’t wanted
them
to have a child. He hadn’t wanted to do the work of raising another child, hadn’t wanted to share her or saddle them with the responsibility, but would he have been in favor of Jenny having his child and sharing her life with him or her in his stead? She didn’t really know anymore. She raised worried eyes to her mother. “I
think
he would.”

“Honey, Gabe’s gone. I don’t mean to be cruel, but he really isn’t going to have any impact on this child’s life. He’ll just be a story to the child. This is going to be
your
baby.”

She was right. Whether Gabe would’ve approved or not really didn’t affect her having their baby. If the judge gave her the right to his sperm, it didn’t matter what Gabe wanted, only what she wanted. After all, she’d be the one raising it. Jenny lifted her head and stared at her mom. “Am I making this harder than it needs to be?”

“Not this time, sweetie. It’s a hard decision; one you can’t undo.”

They sat silently looking over the neat rows of swiss chard, lettuce, and beans. Jenny dragged her index finger through the warm dirt, drawing a heart. Why couldn’t life be simple? Why was her life full of shady spots, poor soil, and weeds?

“If I actually win, I’ve gone through so much to gain this opportunity.” So much time, expense, heartache…It even affected her relationship with friends and family. Steve. The trial spilled over into all aspects of her life. “How can I not do it? Otherwise it was all for…what?”

Mom threw a weed in the basket and turned to Jenny. “I don’t know; that’s for you to figure out.”

Jenny looked sideways at her mom. “I liked it better when you had all the answers.”

“I never had all the answers.” She smiled. “You just thought I did.”

* * *

Jenny thought about the conversation with her mom many times over the following weeks and decided to leave it up to Fate—or Judge Delaney. If she won, it would be a sign that she was meant to have Gabe’s baby; if he didn’t decide in her favor, then it wasn’t meant to be. She could live with that.

Jenny decided to adopt a proactive, positive stance and to take the shots and at least go as far as harvesting her eggs. If she didn’t win, she’d simply discard them. Nothing wrong with being prepared.

Several weeks later, Jenny let herself into the house after having taken a long walk with Ritz. She was washing down a couple of extra-strength Tylenol since fresh air hadn’t eliminated her splitting headache, when she heard a voice leaving a message on the answering machine. She rushed to the receiver and picked it up. “Helen?”

“Jenny, you’re home?”

“I just got in. What’s up?”

“His ruling’s in,” Helen said without preamble.

“And?” She held her breath.
Please, God. Please, God. Let it go my way
.

“And…we won.”

“We won? I got it?”

“You got it.” Jenny heard the smile in Helen’s voice. “He ruled in your favor.”

“So…I can do it?”

“Any time you’re ready. I’ll send you a copy of his ruling. He says, ‘in light of the evidence presented and my review of relevant law, it is my determination that Mrs. Jennifer Harrison has every right to exercise ownership over the property of the deceased, her husband, including his sperm.’ You’ve won. Let’s celebrate.”

She’d won! Wow. She could have Gabe’s baby! Jenny took back every mean word and thought she ever had about the young judge. Apparently he was a very sensitive, sensible, compassionate man—with excellent judgment. A great judge.

A mom. Wow. She could have Gabe’s baby.

“Does Steve know yet?” Jenny asked. They’d not quite recovered their earlier comfortable relationship, though Steve had stopped avoiding her and the awkwardness was slowly melting with each interaction.

“He should. I’ve had reporters calling already. I sent them a copy of the ruling.”

Why didn’t he call me himself? Jenny wanted to ask, a little hurt that Steve hadn’t wanted to break the good news to her. Was he upset or happy? Or was he just relieved to have it over with? He should have been thrilled; he’d won.

“So where do you want to meet?” Helen asked.

“How about Antonio’s?”

“Great, I love Italian food. What time?”

Jenny looked at the wall clock. “Six thirty?”

That would give her time to call the doctor and give him the good news, take a hot bubble bath scented with lavender and chamomile to clear the remnants of her headache before dinner.

“Okay. Should I call Steve or do you want to?” Helen asked.

“I’ll call.”

“Great. See you later.”

“Thanks, Helen.”

They’d won. Jenny lifted Ritz’s front paws and danced her around the kitchen on her hind legs, chanting, “We won, we won. We’re gonna have a baby, Ritz.”

Jenny pulled her close and hugged her until the dog squirmed and tugged away. Dropping her paws, she picked up the phone and dialed Steve’s work number. “Hi, this is Jenny Harrison, is Steve in?”

I’m sorry, Mr. Grant is no longer with Knight, Corbridge, and Howe. Could I connect you with someone else?” The operator recited in a bored monotone.

“Pardon me? Since when?”

“I’m not allowed to give out that information.”

“Did he go to another firm?”

“I’m not allowed to—”

“Forget it,” Jenny cut in. She poked the off button, then dialed Steve’s cell. When he didn’t pick up, she left a message about dinner.

He’d left Knight, Corbridge, and Howe? How come? Why hadn’t he said anything? Had he been fired because of her? But they’d won. A high-profile case—that should please the partners.

When she’d seen Steve two days ago, he hadn’t said anything about a job change. Why hadn’t he said something? They always shared that kind of news. Unless…he’d been fired because of her. Then he wouldn’t tell her. Deep in thought, Jenny sat on a kitchen stool. Did Helen know that Steve was no longer with his firm?

Jenny checked the time, and saw that she barely had enough time to change before meeting Helen. She pushed the gloomy thoughts away. Maybe Steve had gotten a better job offer and hadn’t told her because he was waiting for the ruling to come in. Maybe they’d be celebrating his new job and her win. Cheered by that thought, Jenny headed upstairs.

After quick calls to her parents and Judith, Jenny exchanged her T-shirt for a peach tank top to wear with her favorite capris. She slipped her feet into flip-flops. A baby. Jenny hugged herself, and with a flying leap, she squealed and dove onto their bed. She was going to have Gabe’s baby.