Just a Little Embrace (4 page)

“Yeah,” I said, watching him walk away. I turned back to Luke and bit my lip, unsure of what to say
.

“You guys having fun in there?” I asked after a few quiet seconds.

“What was that all about?” Luke asked,
keeping his eyes on Derek
.
After my neighbor disappeared from sight, Luke motioned
for me to come
closer, so
I took the next two steps and joined him on the porch. He
slid in close to my body and
lifted his hand to my face
to wipe
away the black make-up with
his thum
b; he smeared
the excess
onto his jeans.
I noticed immediately that w
hile he moved with purpose, his movements seemed
far too flimsy and out of his controlled nature.

“He was just asking if I
want
ed
to go out with him sometime,” I said,
looking at my feet.

“And you said
—”

“No.”

“Because it would be irresponsible
—”

“It would?”

“Of course,” he said
, shaking his head.
“He’s too old for you, Jules. And you know nothing about him.
You
don’t need to waste your time with
other
men right now anyway.
You nee
d to focus on school. And your
senior project
—”

“Yeah,” I said. “My project.”

“
And
me.”

“You?”

“Because of your assignment.”

“Right.”

Our eyes locked
, and for the second time in a week, his face inched closer to mine. All I could
do was
wonder what he
was planning to
whisper this time before he ran away,
but his nose
brushed mine and our foreheads rested against one another.

“I’m sorry,” he said, the warmth of his breath dancing across my face. I detected the strong
scent of alcohol laced
within
, and
reminded myself t
hat anything he
d
id or said
in this
moment was
compromised by
the enormous amount of liquid courage he’d
consumed in the past hours.

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because I know,” he said. “I know how much it hurts, and I’m sorry you have to go through this
—”

“
Go t
hrough what?”

“Loving me,” he said. “Needing me. Wanting me
—”

“I don’t love you, Luke
.
”

I didn’t know if my words even mattered, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction
of thinking
he had the upper hand
… not when he continued to turn a blind eye to everything I’d put forward up to this point.

“What?” he asked, scrunching his brow as if he didn’t understand.

“I don’t love you,” I said again.

“Well, I do,” he said, wrapping his arms around me.
“I do, Julie.”

“You love you?” I teased. “Believe me, I already knew that
—”

“No, no, no, no, no,” he covered my lips with a single finger. “I meant
you
.”

My stomach
churned in knots
.
I looked into his dark eyes
as they shined back at me with hazy uncertainty.

“Why don’t you love me?” he asked.
“Have I done something wrong?”

I restrained a small
laugh and shook my head.

“
Luke
, you treat me like a child
—”

“You act like a child
—”

“And you only acknowledge me
when it suits you
—”

“Chief would kill me
if he knew how I felt
—”

“And y
ou’re so damn stubborn that you
never tell me what’s on your mind. I
never know what you’re thinking
, or how you feel
—”

“I’m telling you now
—”

“Because you’re drunk, Luke,” I said. “And I can’t even know that anything you’re saying has a
shred
of validity to it
—”

“It does, Jules,” he said. “I promise. I’m crazy about you
—”

“Look,” I said, watching
an
Oakland
taxi
cab pull up
to
the curb. “Your ride
’
s here—“

“Please don’t make me leave like this,” he said, cupping my elbows in his palms. “
T
ell me you’re lying
, Jules. Tell me you love me
—”

“Luke,” I said, pulling out of his grip. “Come on.”

I walked with him to the cab and saw that he was settled in the back. When I shut the door, he rolled do
wn the window and called out, “Y
ou’re lying, Julie Little. You love me and you know you do
—”

“Good night, Luke,” I said. “I’ll see you Monday morning.”

And as the cab pulled away, I sunk back on the step and closed my eyes, hating myself for lying to him.

Monday September 17

“Up!”

The blankets flew off the bed and I rolled over to find Luke standing over me, glaring down as though I’d done something wrong.

This morning I wasn’t
as
groggy as I had been in
the past days
. No, ever since Luke’s drunken proclamation of love on Saturday night, I’d gotten used to sleepless nights.

I hadn’t even been asleep when he busted in my room this morning, which explains my quickness to get out of bed and on with today’s run.

Luke watched me from the door as I
made my way
through the room, gathering the essentials for our morning run.

“Hurry up, Little,” he said. “We’re putting in an extra two miles this morning
.”

“What?” I asked, but he disappeared into the hallway.

I slid into my
shoes without untying the laces
and followed him down th
e
stairs.

Why was he acting like nothing had changed?

I surveyed the kitchen and determined that Charlie had already left for the day,
so
as Luke moved through the house
,
I reached forward to grab his arm.

He stopped in his tracks and turned back to me. “Yes?”

“Can we talk?” I asked, keeping my voice low
so
as not to wake up Matt.

Luke shrugged. “Sure, what’s up?”

I struggled to find the right words. What would he say?

“Julie?” he asked. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to talk about… what happened… the other night,” I said, nearly in a whisper.

“What happened the other night?”

“You know,” I said. “Before you left?”

He scrunched his brow and shook his head. “I haven’t the slightest
clue what you’re talking about—”

“What you said,” I said. “What you told me
—”

“What I told you?” he asked. “What did I tell you?”

And as if he didn’t need any further elaboration, a worried look swept across his face.

“Julie,” he said, leaning down to meet my gaze. “What exactly did I say to you?”

I spent the next five minutes reliving our conversation on the porch—from him interrupting my talk with Derek, to the moment when the cab pulled away and
he called me a liar for not admitting that I loved him
. And the entire time I talked, Luke looked as though he was hearing it for the first time… he looked as though it
had
never happened.

When he didn’t speak, I took a step forward and forced him to meet my gaze.

“Luke,” I said. “Why didn’t you just tell
me how you feel
?”

He turned on his heel and stomped out of the house, taking long strides down the steps, and then took off for his run down the sidewalk.

“Luke!” I chased after
him. “Luke, you didn’t stretch—”

“It’s one thing to have a stupid crush, Julie,” he called back. “But it’s
another
thing to try and manipulate me
into believing that I actually care about you.”

I finally caught up with him and
ran side-by-side
. “You’re saying I’m lying?”

“What other possible explanation is there?”

“Gee, I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe that you really
do
have feelings for me?”

He snorted and turned the corner, picking up his pace and leaving me to fight
to keep up.

“Luke,” I said. “I would never lie to you. I’m telling you the truth
—”

“And another thing,” he interrupted. “You shouldn’t be hanging out with that Derek guy. I told you I don’t trust him
—”

“You never said that,” I said. “You told me to keep my eyes peeled
—”

“Well
,
I’m telling you now,” he said, raising his
voice
.
“Stay away from him.”

“Why?” I asked, taking each stride in step with him. “
Because he’s nice to me? Because he talks to me like an equal? Because you feel
threatened
that maybe he’ll steal my attention away from
you
?”

“Threatened?” he asked, almost laughing. “God, Julie. Get over yourself.
”

As we ran side-by-side for the next two blocks, my side began to ache and my le
gs were pulsing with cramps
. I
struggled
to keep up with him, and after a second or two, he’d taken a six-foot lead down the sidewalk.

“Luke,” I panted. “Please slow down. I can’t keep up
—”

“Not my problem, Little,” he said. “
You
are
not
my problem
.
”

And as if I couldn’t stand another jab from Luke, I stopped
in my tracks,
picked up a palm-sized rock, and launched it at him, hitting him square in the back.

He
stopped running and turned to me
with the promise of an evil wrath burning in his eyes. “What the hell is your problem?”

“You!” I yelled. “You know, I’m sorry if you can’t accept the truth, but here it is. I
care about y
ou, Luke. And
I think
you
care about
me
.
You
told me
you had feelings for me, and despite the context, I can’t help but think that
… that drunken confession the other night was the most hones
ty I’ve ever
gotten out
of you.”

“You need to stop,” he said, pointing a finger at me. “You don’t love me.
And y
ou don’t
want
me to
love
you
, Julie
.”

And with that, he turned away and took off running
once again
.

“Luke!” I yelled as he turned the corner. “Lucas Reibeck! Stop running from me!”

But he was gone.

And I was alone.

Chapter Five

Friday September 21

The next four days dragged on for what felt like an eternity.
I hadn’t heard from Luke, and that was a downer considering he’d planned to meet me for a morning run twice again this week (and never showed up).

I’d dropped subtle hints to Uncle Charlie, but he never seemed to pick up on my inquiry. The most he’d said was “
Trigger said he’l
l have to reschedule your
training
.”

I’d spent the week feeling like I hadn’t had anyone to turn to. Matt was up to his lips with dedication to Hannah, and
they
spent every possible moment together. Between school, his part-time job, and Hannah, I’d definitely taken the backburner on Matt’s
list of priorities.