Junk Miles (30 page)

“
How?” I reached out for him a second time, and he grabbed my hand hard.

“
Come back to my place. Be with me. Just me. Just
us
.” His eyes were dark and wild, and I could see that he knew exactly what he was asking me.

My heart hammered hard in my chest, and part of me wondered what it would be like. I knew I could trust him. I knew he’d care about me enough to make it special. I also knew in the pit of my heart that it would be a huge mistake, and one that would be impossible to take back. I knew my own heart, and I told him the honest truth.

“
I can’t do that, Saxon. Not with you, not with anyone.” My knees shook so hard, I swear they knocked together.

“
Why not? Because of him? You never wanted me, did you?” he snarled, his hold on my wrist tightening from rough grab to full, blood-stopping tourniquet.

First I felt a white-hot blast of fury, and I knew that if I opened my mouth, I would spew acid words right into his arrogant face. But two deep breaths and the desperate bite of his hand on my wrist dissolved the jagged edges of my anger and melted it into something softer. Something sadder.

In the middle of this pretty paper room, under the low glow of the creamy lamps, I could see that Saxon was fueled by a twisted kind of love. I put my hand on his, on the hand that had bound itself so fiercely round my wrist, and loosened his fingers one by one.

“
That’s not how it works. That’s not good enough for either one of us.” My voice stayed soft but firm. We squared off, our eyes locked.

“
Coward,” he accused, his voice raw as gravel on new skin.

“
Not at all.” I raised a hand to his cheek, but he shied away from my touch. “I’d be a coward if I slept with you to try to get an answer or make things easier. I won’t do that for either one of our sakes.” I took the bills off the table and folded them into my pocket. “You pay. I’m sorry I bitched about our date. It was really sweet of you to take me out.”

“
Brenna.”

No one ever said my name like that before; like a plea, like the endnote of an argument, like it was the most hopeless, sorriest of all the words there were to say.

“
I
care
about you. I do. But some things are mine to give, and could never, ever be yours or anyone else’s to demand. And it will never be up for discussion. Does that make sense?” This time, when I reached for his face, he didn’t back away. He closed his black eyes and his eyelashes tangled together. He nuzzled his jaw against my hand.

When he finally spoke, he seemed calmer. Or maybe defeated.“You think too much, you know that? Brainiac.” He brought my palm to his lips and kissed it, then tucked a strand of hair behind my ear like it was his to move. I didn’t even attempt to stop him. “Go to the bathroom. Or whatever. Let me take care of the bill and see if I can get the waitress’s number. Maybe she can steal me some sake for later.” He tried to waggle his eyebrows with sexy bravado, but I didn’t miss the bleak look that shaded his eyes. I did ignore it, and his face communicated his thanks for that.

I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, too pale and with purple circles under my bloodshot eyes. I wasn’t completely happy with what I saw, but at least I could look myself in the eyes again.

Saxon waited in the lobby, hands in his coat pocket, toothpick dangling out of the side of his mouth. He made a move to take his hands out of his pockets, then reconsidered and left them in. He nodded at me. “C’mon. We have a concert to get to.”

“
Saxon?” I took a few steps towards him and he took an equal amount of steps back, maintaining an exact distance between us. “We could see the zombies. If you wanted. I don’t mind.”

He smiled the unhappiest smile I’d ever seen. “Don’t you ever get tired of being all mature and level-headed? You make the rest of us look like even bigger fuck-ups in comparison.”

“
Mature? Level-headed?” I held my hands up. “What are you talking about? I made the biggest mess. Ever! And…I know I hurt you.”

The smile got wider and infinitesimally sadder. “Don’t give yourself so much credit. Plus that, I don’t want your pity date to ruin the zombie awesomeness. Another time, another girl who doesn’t mind brain decimation.”

“
Another girl?” I felt relieved and disappointed at the same time.

“
You didn’t think you’d be the last, did you?” He took two steps towards me and bumped the toe of his boot to the toe of mine. “Come on. Now! Party time. Let’s go.” He held his elbow out to me, and I linked my arm through it. His smile was smaller, but it had a tiny sprinkle of happiness. Or, at least, not as much sadness.

Everything had gone completely wrong, but somehow it had snapped back into the strange, unspoken, uneasy place that we had been at back on the first day we met, and I was happy to be there again.

By the time we pulled up at The Grange, cars had already choked the gravel driveway and people poured out and milled around the doors and in the rickety wooden building. The back of Saxon’s hand brushed mine, but he pulled it away without a glance in my direction and waved back at a few girls from the soccer team who called him over. For a second he looked torn.

“
Go.” I waved my hand towards the girls who smiled and called him over.

“
I’m here with you.” He bumped his shoulder against mine. “You’re a pain in the ass, but I’m not going to just ditch you.”

“
It’s cool.” I pointed to the table where Kelsie was busy hocking shirts. “There’s Kelsie. I’m going to say hi. You go say hi to your friends.”

He squinted at me for a minute, then nodded. “Good thing I hedged my bets, eh, Blix?” He tossed a glance towards the girls’ soccer team, now gathered in full force and cat calling to him. “Not exactly what I wanted, but you know what they say about getting what you want.”

“
That you should want what you have instead?” I guessed.

“
No! That’s ridiculous advice. Jesus, who told you that? Never mind, don’t even answer that. Just forget you ever heard it. They, and by ‘they’ I am referring to those who know what the hell they’re talking about, say that you can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes…” He held his hand out for me to finish.

“
You just might get what you need?”

He shucked me under the chin and gave me his best cocky smile. “There’s hope for you yet.”

He walked away from me with a determined swagger and didn’t look back. I know because I watched the whole long beeline he made to his adoring fans.

I wanted to say hi to Kelsie, but she was flooded with people and looked super busy. I wasn’t sure if Devon was planning on coming. He said his mom had unofficially grounded him when she got a call saying he’d failed to turn in two major history assignments.

It was way too cold to have worn this ridiculous short skirt, and I shivered a little in the biting wind. I was already feeling dead tired, and being out in the frigid air didn’t help at all. If I had my license, I would have happily driven myself home. Since I’d taken a ride from Saxon and we’d made our awkward peace, I wasn’t about to hunt him down and ask him to take me home early. I made my way inside, where people were milling around. I saw a few people from school I knew, but before I could make my way to them, Nikki blocked my path.

“
Hey there, Brenna.” Her eyes looked glassy, and I noticed the sharp smell of alcohol on her. She had three friends giggling behind her, including Krista from school. Not one of them looked remotely sober.

“
Um, hey, Nikki.” I attempted to brush past her, because I could feel that she was looking for a fight, and I wasn’t interested in that at all.

“
Jake’s here, but he isn’t interested in seeing
you
.” She poked a finger out, and I think she was aiming for the center of my chest, but she wove and hit my shoulder instead.

“
Okay. Look I have someone I have to go see, I’ll be going. Now.” I realized that I had been backed into one of the darker corners of the little low building. Shit. Backed into a corner and facing down four angry drunk/high girls wasn’t my idea of a good time. “What do you want me to say, Nikki? You two are together. Fantastic. Jake and I haven’t talked outside of school in weeks, so you don’t have anything to worry about.”

“
Then whysee wearin’ the stupid fuckin’ watch you gave ‘im, huh?” she slurred. She blinked fast, and I saw two tears slide out of the corner of her eyes. “You don’t deserve someone like Jake! So whysee still into you? You’re a bitch and a liar! You better leave him the hell alone!” She lunged forward, and I took one step back into the corner, reaching along the wall in the hopes there was a door to a bathroom or outside or something, anything I could duck into.

“
She’s not worth it!”

“
Forget her! She’s nothing but a useless bitch!”

“
If Jake doesn’t know how lucky he is to have you, screw him!”

Her friends were all pulling back at her, but she was still jumping forward, determined to get at me. I really didn’t want to see what the outcome of being jumped by four girls half in the bag was, but I clenched my fists and got ready to fight my way out of this corner I’d somehow gotten backed into.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Kelsie yanked two of the girls back and all I heard was a set of quick yelps before they went flying. In an instant she grabbed Krista by the red-tinted hair and snarled, “Get the hell away from her!”

Kelsie was usually a really gentle, sweet girl without any evidence of a mean bone in her body. Watching her unleash on these girls made my jaw drop, but it somehow made sense that all that hippie calm was a front for an intense, rarely unleashed rage. The first two had run away, but Krista was about to get into it when Jake appeared out of nowhere and threw himself in front of Kelsie.

Krista wound up landing a weak punch on his chest, and I sank against the wall with relief. If she had used her full strength and landed the punch on Kelsie, it would have smashed right into my friend’s face. Jake yanked Krista by the shoulder.

“
Shambles is waiting outside. Tell him Nikki will be out in a minute.”

“
I’m not leaving!” Krista snapped, her arms flailing.

“
You’re drunk and high. I swear to god, I will call your father and have him come down if you don’t go now.” Jake’s face was cold and serious. Krista stopped wailing and jerking around and stomped to the door. Jake looked at Nikki, and I cowered at the pure disgust in his eyes. “Seriously, Nik? What’s with you lately?”

“
Like you give a shit!” she screamed. “You haven’t paid any attention to me in weeks! I know you’re still talking to that slut!”

“
Calm down.” Jake took her by the elbow. “You need to go home. Let Shambles take you. He’ll drop you to get your car tomorrow.”

“
Why not
you
?” Her angry screech ended in a hiccup. “I spend more time with him than you, and you’re supposed to be my boyfriend! Why are you with me if you don’t even want to be?” The tears that coursed out of her eyes made her makeup run in murky black rivers down her cheeks. “You still love her, don’t you? Don’t you? Just admit it, you liar!”

Jake’s eyes locked on mine across the few feet that separated us. The electric shock that went through the air was so intense, I was surprised no one else around us reacted. My heart warmed up and swelled, and I wondered if he felt it, too. Then he tore his eyes off of me and looked back at Nikki.

“
You’re drunk, Nik. And this isn’t the time or place to talk about this. I’ll call you tomorrow, when you’re in your right mind. Okay?” He spoke to her firmly but gently, and as much as I hated being the voyeur in the corner, it was fascinating.

When Jake and I dated, he usually deferred to me. He was the one who messed up, and I was the one who had all the right answers. It was amazing how many different versions of us there were, and, in a strange way, I was glad to see this other side of Jake, even if it did tear at my heart to watch him curl an arm around Nikki and walk her out into the parking lot.

Kelsie snuggled next to me. “You okay, girl? You look kind of beat.”

I wiped my suddenly damp eyes with my knuckles and let out a shaky laugh. “Kel, it’s been the world’s longest freaking night. I’m glad I’m here and all, but you don’t know how I’m lusting for my bed.”

“
Did you come with Saxon?” She craned her neck and looked around for his dark head.

“
I did. We’re, um, not together anymore. I mean, as much as we were, we’re not. After tonight.” My tongue felt tied in a fat knot.

“
Oh.” She smiled a smile that was all sweet sympathy. “Are you happy about it?”

I nodded weakly. “I mean,
happy
might not be the right word. I’m just…I guess at peace with all the stupid mistakes I made. And I know there’s that old saying about how much you learn from your mistakes and all that, but, seriously, it just sucks. It sucks being wrong and stupid and screwing everything up for everyone.” I leaned my cheek against her shiny, smooth hair.

She patted my side. “You’re being hard on yourself, Bren. You know, all you can do is the best you can do. You’re going to screw up sometimes. But the people who really love you will hang in there. Like me.” She kissed my cheek, and I felt like I could relax for the first time all night.