Julia's Daughters (22 page)

Chapter 36

Julia

 

“How much farther?” Izzy asks as she gets into the backseat, shoving Mr. Cat over. Since his adventure yesterday morning, he seems content to stay put and not risk shortening his life expectancy by another cat life.

I get behind the driver's wheel again. “Half an hour.” I was exhausted forty-five minutes ago, but after a bathroom stop and getting something quick to eat, I feel revived. And now I'm excited. We've been in this car five days. I made it to Maine.
We
made it. “I texted Laney to let her know how close we are. She was going to hold dinner for us, but I told her we already ate.”

“Maybe we could walk to Farmer's Ice Cream when we get there,” Izzy says, buckling in.

“Maybe.” I glance at Haley sitting next to me. She's been quiet for the last couple of hours. Not unpleasant, just not talkative. “You okay?” I ask her as I back out of the parking space in front of a little deli just outside of Portland where we stopped.

She looks out the window. I can tell she's worried about something. My first response is to start asking questions, but I bite my tongue and wait. I'm trying to learn to be a better listener.

“Are we staying with Aunt Laney?” Haley asks.

“Tonight. After that, I don't know. Her parents' cottage on the lake is empty. She says we can go there, if we want. Why?”

She shrugs. “I guess you told her—” She stops, exhales, and starts again. She continues looking out the window as she speaks. “I guess she knows all my shit.”

At some point, I need to tackle Haley's bad language. I cringe every time she curses. But I haven't exactly been setting a good example over the last week.
Pick your battles.
I'm learning that. It's right up there with
one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time
. Good parenting mottos.

“She does know what's been going on with you. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but I have to have someone to talk to, hon.” I look at her, then both ways on the street, and I pull out.

It feels good to be covering these last few miles. At times, I felt as if we would never get here. Ben certainly didn't think I could do it. But I'm also a little sad to know we'll be there in half an hour. There's been a certain amount of comfort in being in the car for the last five days with Izzy and Haley. Even though things haven't always gone smoothly, or the way I imagined they might, I've felt insulated from the world in this car. Protected. Stepping out at Laney's means entering the big bad world again. I don't know if I'm ready for it. What if I fall apart again? It won't do my girls or me any good if I just take to Laney's bed.

Haley hasn't responded to the fact that Laney knows the details of her recent behavior. Choices. Whatever you want to call it.

“You know,” I say, “Laney's not going to judge. She just wants what I want, what we all want and that's for you to be okay. We want you to be able to get past Caitlin's death and go on and live a happy, healthy life.”

She thinks on that for a minute and then turns to me. I haven't seen the black eye pencil since we left Vegas. The black nail polish is gone too. Her hair's still that unnatural color, but it doesn't seem so shocking to me anymore. I see her face now and not the black clothes or hair. Her beautiful face that's so full of sadness most of the time. I wish I could kiss it away, the way I kissed her boo-boos when she was little.

“You really think that's possible? For me to be
happy?
” Her tone isn't antagonistic. She seems to really want to know what I think. Before I can answer, she goes on. “Do you think
you
can be happy with Caitlin dead?”

I grip the steering wheel. An interesting question for six o'clock in the evening, after driving twenty-eight hundred miles in five days.

I don't know how to answer her.

I don't think I've considered my own happiness since Caitlin died. Of course I can never be happy again. Or can I? If I think Haley can be happy, why shouldn't that apply to me?

It should, shouldn't it?

I've had happy moments over the last few days. Just seeing Haley actually smile makes me smile. That's being happy, isn't it? Even if for the briefest moment? Hearing Haley or Izzy laugh makes me happy. The pleasure I got from drinking that frozen Icee the first day in the car made me happy. If I string enough of these moments together, can I be happy?

I look at Haley again. “I didn't think I could ever be again,” I answer truthfully. “I think that's at least partially why I couldn't get out of bed for those first few weeks.”

“Months, if you want to get technical,” Haley points out.

I lick my finger and hold it in the air.
One for Haley
. But I don't want to get bogged down in that conversation right now. We need to talk about this matter of happiness and it's only fair that if I'm asking Haley to bare her soul to me, I should be able to do the same.

“I guess what I've been thinking about, over the last few days, is that my life can never be the same. My life without Caitlin”—I touch above my left breast and my voice catches—“it can never be what it was. But I still have you and Izzy and your dad and—” I exhale. “I think I owe it to you guys, and maybe even to myself, to find happiness. And I don't even know that I should think I'll be less happy without Caitlin. I'm just going to be . . . different happy.” I can feel my forehead creasing. “Does that make sense?”

“Caitlin says I shouldn't be sad,” Izzy speaks up from the backseat.

Haley cuts her eyes at me. It's her “there she goes talking crazy again” look. I glance in the rearview mirror. “I think you're right. She wouldn't want us to be sad.” I look at Haley again. “Would you rather we go to the cottage than stay with Laney?”

She shrugs. “I don't know. Where are we all going to sleep at Aunt Laney's?”

“I guess I'll sleep with Laney tonight. You two will go in one of the boys' rooms and Liam and Garret will bunk together. Can the two of you sleep together without doing bodily harm to each other?”

“I can sleep out on the couch.” Haley looks over the seat, in her sister's direction. “If that's what the pipsqueak wants.”

“As long as we don't have to sleep in the same bed.” Izzy's clearly not happy with the idea, but she's not adamantly opposed, either. “I guess it will be okay.”

I smile. I might be kidding myself, but today I feel like we're actually making some progress on several fronts.

 

Thirty-five minutes later, we turn onto Laney's street. She lives in a sweet yellow and white Victorian house in the little town of Larkgate, only a couple of miles from Sebago Lake. The town has a main street that was revitalized ten years ago after folks from Portland began restoring the Victorian homes and businesses began to crop up. The downtown area, a block from Laney's house, now features all sorts of funky, artistic shops.

When I pull into a parking spot in front of Laney's house, she's on her front porch, leaning over the rail, waving both hands. She runs down the steps like I'm her long-lost sister. I suppose, in a way, I have been pretty lost and she's definitely the sister I never had.

I catch my foot on the edge of the floor mat and almost fall out of the car trying to get to her. We're both laughing.

Laney throws her arms around me to balance me and I hug her. “Laney.” Tears well in my eyes.

“You made it,” she murmurs, hugging me tightly.

“I made it.”

We hold each other for a long minute, but I still don't feel like it's long enough, when I finally let go.

“Oh, don't cry,” she tells me. But her eyes are teary too. Laney's the complete antithesis of me. She's tall and dark-skinned with the most beautiful inky-black hair. She takes after her father, who's Native American, the Penobscot tribe.

I laugh and wipe at my face. “I know I look horrible.”

“No.” She stands back to look me over. “Skinny, with gray roots, but not horrible.”

I tug at my hair and bend over laughing. Seeing Laney, feeling her arms around me, is like a shot of adrenaline and love in the same syringe. I've missed her so much. Needed her so much.

Izzy gets out of the car and hangs back, suddenly seeming shy.

“Izzy!” Laney throws her arms around her and hugs her so hard that she lifts my daughter off the ground.

Haley gets out of the car, but she just stands there. I move my head, indicating she should join us.

“I'm so glad you came,” Laney bubbles to Izzy. “I'm so glad you didn't let her leave you home.”

Haley slowly comes around the car.

Laney lets go of Izzy and turns to Haley. She smiles, and in her smile, I see such a mix of emotions. She's sad and happy and angry with Haley, and so glad to see her still in one piece.

“What?” Laney opens her arms. “You too old now to hug me now that you're almost eighteen?”

Haley smirks and walks over and gives her a brief but genuine hug.

“I'm glad you came. I mean it,” Laney tells her before letting go of her. She turns and claps her hands. “So grab your stuff.” She eyes Izzy. “Your cat,
whatever,
and come on inside. Garret and I were thinking about a walk over to Farmer's Ice Cream. Anyone else interested in ice cream?”

“Yes!” Izzy squeals, jumping up in the air and fist pumping. “I told Mom we should go to Farmer's.”

Twenty minutes after dumping our bags and leaving the cat in Garret's room, we're headed for the ice cream shop, only three blocks away. Izzy and Garret, a year older than Izzy, walk ahead of us on the sidewalk. I can hear them talking about lizards and why they're the best reptile. Laney and I walk behind them and Haley brings up the rear. Liam, a freshman in high school, is at a friend's, staying the night after a track meet.

“So what's the deal with Ben?” Laney asks me quietly. “Is he coming?”

“I don't think so.” Just saying it makes me so sad. I can't believe that when I asked him to come, telling him things with Haley were even worse than we first thought (if that's even possible), his response had been to say he'd have to check with work.

“Izzy!” A girl leans out the window of a car that's stopped at the traffic light ahead of us and waves.

“Megan!”

I recognize the blondie now. It's Megan, a girl Izzy's age, from down the street from Laney. The last two summers, when we've come for vacation, Izzy and Megan have hung out. She comes from a nice family. Her mother, Elaine, has always been so warm and friendly to our family. Last summer, we attended a barbecue in their backyard.

“What are you doing here?” Megan shouts.

I can hear someone in the car telling her to put her seat belt back on.

“Visiting Aunt Laney!”

“Come tomorrow!” Megan hollers as the light turns green and the car pulls away.

Izzy turns around to face me. “Can I, Mom? Can I go to Megan's?”

“I don't see why not,” I answer. “We'll check with her mom tomorrow.”

We all start walking again. I glance over my shoulder. Haley's still with us.

Laney loops her arm through mine. “Do you
want
Ben to come?”

I look at her and tug at the zipper of the hooded sweatshirt I borrowed from her. The sun is going down and it's getting chilly. I'm going to regret having not brought more warm clothes. “No pussyfooting around with you, is there? I've been here half an hour and you're asking life-altering, rip-out-your-heart questions.”

“Who's got time for niceties? Or the energy? It seems pretty straightforward to me, Jules.” She talks so matter-of-factly about things that aren't all that matter-of-fact. “Do you want him to come, meaning do you want to tackle this together, or did you leave Vegas to get away from him?”

I frown. I'm not sure I want to get into this with Laney right now. I've just driven twenty-eight hundred miles. I just want to eat a mint chocolate chip ice cream cone and talk about lizards. “I drove here with Haley because she needed to get away from Vegas,” I tell her.

Laney scrutinizes me. She's got these dark, almond-shaped eyes that seem like they can see right into your soul.

“I guess when we get back—” I walk beside her in silence for a moment, trying to put my thoughts in order. I pull her closer to me, lowering my voice so my girls don't hear me. “Look, I know Ben and I have problems, but I feel like I can only handle so much. Haley's what matters right now.”

“You and Ben matter too. Izzy matters.”

I groan.

But Laney won't let it go. “What if he won't come?” she asks.

I shrug. Izzy and Garret have stopped at a storefront, two stores from the ice cream shop. They're peering in the window. “I guess we'll deal with it when we get back.”

“Look, Mom,” Izzy calls. “The fried chicken place closed.” She wrinkles her nose. “Garret didn't like the chicken either.” She peers in the window, cupping her hands around her face. “We should rent it for our café.”

“Or we could make it a pet store,” Garret suggests. He's a cute kid who looks so much like his dad that I smile every time I see his lopsided grin that was Sean's. “Izzy and Garret's House of Reptiles.”

Izzy laughs and punches him in the arm. He punches her back.

Laney and I stop in front of the vacant store.

“So Southern fried chicken was a no-go in a New England town?” I ask. I can see chairs stacked on tables and a long counter that had been for orders and pickup.