jinn 03 - vestige (13 page)

I wanted Holden. That was a constant. But I also wanted people to stop being hurt because of me. I wanted us to be together and happy. I wanted Baker to come back and Femi never to stop being Femi. I wanted to see my mom and dad again. I wanted to talk to Juliet one more time, the way we used to talk before all of this happened. I wanted Holden to be happy and find a place in life where he could be at peace with himself and others. I wanted Maggie to be happy too. But I finally knew none of those things were within my control. Not really.

I felt Holden as soon as he walked into the room. His mood was too jumbled for me to know what direction our conversation would go, but we had to talk. We both knew it.

“When did we stop being enough for each other?” I asked before he could say anything. He didn’t reply. I turned around and he was leaned against the opposite wall watching me. “Just knowing that you loved me used to be all I needed. It was reason enough for me to become a jinni, to come back as a guardian, to forsake the guardians, and it was even enough for the angel to choose to stay on earth instead of going back. Why isn’t that enough now?”

He rested his head back against the wall. “What do you want, Liv?”

“I want things to be like they were. I want everyone to be happy. And I don’t want to be caught in the middle of Heaven and Hell for eternity.”

He nodded.

“What do you want, Holden? You’re struggling with something. I wish you would tell me what. Let me help. Was Death right? Is it your powers? Is it your family? Why didn’t you tell me about your father? Do you know him?”

“You want everyone to be happy?”

I nodded.

“Including me.”

“Of course.”

His chest lifted with his breath. “Make the deal.” He started for the door.

“Stop. Damn it. Talk to me.”

“Olivia, there is just so much about my life that you don’t know. I didn’t think it mattered. I didn’t want any of it to matter, but the truth is this person—the one I am with you—isn’t me. Do you want to know who I really am? I am a killer. I am a cold-hearted bastard who has never empathized with a single person in my entire life. All I have ever done is choose what is best for me. Even with you. I could have left you alone. I didn’t have to insert myself into your life, but I did. I am selfish.”

I sensed a tremor in the walls he’d erected in his mind and I realized something I should have from the outset—and probably would have if I wasn’t so weakened by my injury and grief and guilt. Holden was struggling. He’d
intentionally
hurled the worst insults and comments he could think of, knowing—hoping—we couldn’t go back from them in one more of his deluded desires to save me from him.

He shoved his hands in to his pockets. “I don’t know how much longer I can leash these powers. Every time I lose control, it’s harder to get back. I can’t even delude myself into believing that I’m improving because I’m not. Hate and rage will eventually consume me, and I don’t know who I will be when I come out on the other side of this battle.

I knew what he was about to ask, and was already shaking my head.

“And on that note, Liv, I have one last selfish request. Take Death’s deal. Whether or not we are together, I need to know you are still in this world. You are the only thing that has ever given me a reason to hope.”

My heart throbbed with pain that had nothing to do with the knife wound. Trying to distance himself from me out of his self-hatred induced view of some imagined “greater good” for me or others was Holden’s go to move. “Hope for what?”

He thought a moment. “Redemption. You made me think it was possible. And even though it isn’t true—”

“It is true. You have done terrible things, but you have also turned them around. You aren’t the person you were and you never have to be again if you don’t want to be.”

His hand cradled my cheek. “And this is why I need to know you are here. Just having one person believe that makes it almost possible.”

“Holden, you don’t need that. Look at your actions. They aren’t meaningless. You have done it. You have escaped Hell. You have helped people. You saved that little girl when it did nothing for you. Why are you suddenly doubting it?”

He shook his head. “I’m not doubting anything. All of that is true, but it is true because of you. I made those decisions more for you than for myself. But to end this, I need to embrace what I am. That’s what the angel said. And when I do, I don’t know that I’ll be able to continue to be who you need me to be.”

I swallowed. His green eyes drew me in like they always did, but they were more and more resigned. “We’re on different paths,” I echoed Death’s earlier words.

He leaned his forehead against mine. “It doesn’t mean they won’t come together again.”

I smiled a little though I felt like I was bleeding internally. He may not have been able to see how he changed, but I could see it. What he was would never determine
who
he was.

“And the same goes for you,” he said reading my thoughts.

My stomach clenched. “It goes against every instinct I have.”

“That isn’t true. It goes against every instinct you
want
to have. You aren’t a guardian, Liv, and you can’t reason yourself into being one. These are baser instincts. You never have been like them. You aren’t a pacifist. You are a fighter. You have taken lives. I am not saying you don’t try to save people first, but you also recognize that sometimes suffering can only be eased by death. I know you do. That’s why you don’t want to lose that option.”

I bit my lip as his words cut through me.

“You find Death alluring. I can feel it when you’re near him. Deep down you see the peace in death and that’s why you’ll be good at doing it. If anyone is to ever collect my soul from me again, I want it to be you.”

“Please don’t ask me to do this.”

“Too late.” He pressed his lips to mine, gentle and caressing. I couldn’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t be able to do this or why I should care about a world that would take him from me.

“I’m not giving up on you.”

He kissed me again, wrapping his arms around me. My hands traveled up his arms and hooked together behind his neck. His muscles relaxed beneath me. “Good,” he breathed, his mouth trailing down to my jaw.

“We’re going to be okay,” I said.

“Shhh.” Holden’s hands shifted lower, lifting me against him as his mouth covered mine again. The counter hit the back of my thighs as he sat me down. His fingers slowly and deliberately undid the buttons of my shirt.

“Someone could walk in,” I said, pulling back slightly, but not relinquishing my hold on him.

“I don’t care.” Intoxicating kisses filled with passion and want fueled his emotional assault on my senses. He kissed me until I didn’t remember what I was supposed to care about. He was the only thing that mattered. His hands trailed up and down my thighs until my legs once again wrapped around him and pulled him closer. A grin played on his lips when he pulled back slightly to look at me. His warm mouth found the sensitive spot just under my jaw and trailed down my neck. His hands peeled off my shirt, grazing my wound and making me suck in a breath.

Holden’s head popped up, hair mussed from my fingers.

“It’s okay,” I said, urging him on, but he didn’t budge. Instead his fingers traced the angry black lines that zigzagged across my chest, careful to avoid the actual injury. “Do these hurt?” he asked.

I shook my head. “I can’t feel them at all.”

“But this hurts?” His hand gently cupped the wound until the light poured from between his fingers.

“Not that much,” I said.

“Liar.” He pulled his hand back and stared at his palm, forehead creasing. His fingers grazed over the light again, and he stared at them. “I can feel you.”

“What?”

“In the light. I can feel you in it.” He took my hand and placed it in the light. “Can you feel it?”

I shook my head, but he held my hand there and studied me. “The lines have stopped growing.”

“I can’t live the rest of my life clutching my own chest.”

He shrugged, still not looking up. “It’s a nice chest.”

I flipped my hand and laced my fingers through his. “I’ll make the deal with one stipulation.”

His soft green eyes finally lifted to mine, making me feel like we were the only two people in the entire world. “What?”

“You keep Charlie and raise her like your own.”

He started to shake his head. “Liv—”

“No, that’s the deal.” That little girl brought out a softer side of Holden that I had only seen with me before. If he felt responsible for someone beside himself, he would make better decisions. Plus it was the only way Charlie would survive. She contained the Seal of Solomon, which meant so long as the jinn were free someone would always be looking for her. She’d never have a normal life. “That is
my
selfish request.”

His mouth set into a firm line. “You can’t ask me to do this.”

I stared back at him. “You need each other.”

“She would be better off with a family.”

“So give that to her. She will have you and Femi and Maggie and Quintus…and anyone else who comes along after I am gone. You can protect her and keep her safe. It’s as much in your interest as it is in hers. Especially if you let yourself love her.”

“There won’t be anyone else after you.” His voice wasn’t dramatic, didn’t hold any inflection really. He simply dropped the statement between the two of us, as if it was a given.

I touched his lower lip with the edge of my thumb. “Open your heart, Holden. I promise it won’t make you weak.”

Pain pinched his mouth, but he nodded. “If I agree, you will make the deal?”

“Yes.” My voice sounded so much more certain than I felt.

He took a deep breath. “I’ll keep her.” He pulled me against him one more time, burying his nose in my hair and held me while I basked in the overwhelming sense of completeness I always had with him.

My phone rang, breaking the moment with Olivia. I leaned back and sighed. She gave me a watery smile. All of this was so much easier when I was angry with her.

“What?” I answered.

“You need to come here now,” Phoenix said. “To Xavier’s.”

“I’m busy.”

“Well, you’re about to get unbusy fast. Bring the guardian.” Phoenix hung up.

Olivia did up her shirt, her raw emotions once again buried under practicality.

“Phoenix needs me at the club.”

She nodded. “Do you want me to come?”

I shook my head. Phoenix had probably found Sybil and this was something I needed to take care of without Olivia there. “I got it.”

She frowned. “I want to help.”

I beckoned her to follow me and took her into the angel’s war room. “See if you can make sense of any of this.” I pointed at the boards of maps. “The black pins are the demon cells we know about. The white pins are the cleared cells, but I have no clue what the yellow or red ones mean. The angel was tracking something, and we haven’t been able to figure out what she was looking for yet. She already knew where the seal was, so it wasn’t that.”

Olivia walked closer to the board, inspecting each location. “Okay.”

I watched her for a few moments before I left. This couldn’t be the end of us.

Charlie shuffled into the living room before I could make it out the front door. She rubbed one of her little fists hard at her eyes, while the other hand dragged a doll along with her. We stared at each other for a moment until she dropped the doll where she stood and came over to take my hand. “Go?” she asked expectantly.

I shook my head. “Stay.” I walked her over to the room where Olivia was and scooted her inside the door. “Everyone else is gone,” I told her when she looked over at me.

She nodded. “We’ll be fine.”

Though she looked better, Olivia still wasn’t strong. Leaving the two of them alone gnawed at my insides. “I can be back here in seconds.”

“I know.”

I gave her a single nod and this time I did leave—though as soon as I stepped outside, I sent a call up to Quintus, asking him to come. Not that the guardian would be much protection, but at least he could run interference until I could get back should there be an attack.