Jennifer Government: A Novel (30 page)

He returned to his seat. He
had
been sent to the principal’s office. But then, he supposed he had been very naughty. After the NRA whacked the Government jet, every high-ranking US Alliance suit—including John—had scrambled to get the hell out of London, most heading here to the headquarters in L.A. Nobody had wanted to hang around in a city with twenty thousand pissed-off Government agents.

Twenty minutes later, the woman said, “You may go in now, John.”

He stood, brushed down his suit, and tugged open the oak doors. The room was a piece of sky with furniture. Forty or fifty suits were arranged along tables that looked as if they’d been carved from thousand-foot trees: there were gold desk plates that read MCDONALD’S and MONSANTO and IBM. John had never been around so many good pairs of shoes.

“Wow,” he said. “It’s like the United Nations in here.”

Alfonse said, “Have a seat, John.”

He looked around for a
NIKE
plate. Alfonse cleared his throat
and gestured to a plastic chair that was sitting against a glass wall, facing the tables. “There?”

“Yes.”

He sat with as much dignity as he could manage, which wasn’t much. The plastic chair squeaked. He glanced over his shoulder. He at least got a great view of downtown Los Angeles from here.

For a moment, nobody spoke. It was unnerving: John had never been to a meeting that wasn’t a fight for conversation space. He spotted the Pepsi kid toward the back. John couldn’t work out what was odd about him, until he realized it was the first time he’d seen the kid in a suit. “Okay, so everyone’s a little surprised about the jet thing.”

Snorts of outrage. The McDonald’s Liaison looked like she wanted to leap across the desk and slap him.

Alfonse said, “John, in case you haven’t already gathered, we’re here to vote on your expulsion from US Alliance. If this vote carries, UA and its member companies will disown any responsibility for your actions. We will deliver you to the Government and negotiate compensation for the damage you’ve caused.”

“So I was right,” John said. “It
is
the United Nations.”

“He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong,” the IBM Liaison snapped. He was an older man with white hair and a dark blue suit; John had never met him. “Look at him. He’s turned the world’s most distinguished corporations into criminals and he’s
smirking.”

“You’re right. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong.”

“Then let me help you out, you moron. First, the Government is going to arrest us. All of us. Second, if they don’t, the public is going to annihilate us. You want to see a marketplace backlash? We just assassinated the Government President. Let’s see how that affects sales, shall we? Third, you killed people. I don’t know if that’s a problem for you, John, or for Nike, but it’s
a big goddamn problem for IBM, for me, and for everybody else here. Does that help? Does that clarify the situation for you?”

Silence. “Okay, then.” His career depended on his answer, John realized. It was time to pull out all the stops. “Three points. Okay.”

He rubbed his palms on his pants. “One. The Government is not going to arrest us. They tried in London, and failed. Now, you can bet they weren’t going to pack up their toys and go home. They were going to try again, and again and again, until they’d gotten us. But now, thanks to me, they’ve lost half their executives. They’ve lost their ability to coordinate, at least for a while. The Government is not going to arrest us because the Government is no longer able to.”

A wall of stony faces looked back at him. He spotted the NRA plaque, off to the left, but there was an empty chair behind it. He guessed that meant the NRA were in the shit, too. “Two. There will not be a consumer boycott. The public will not suddenly start buying Whoppers instead of Big Macs or Apples instead of IBMs. Trust me, I’m from Nike. Nobody actually swaps brands because they heard the company did something bad. They keep on buying their favorite product at their favorite price. Yes, there is going to be a media backlash. But there is not going to be a consumer backlash.

“Three.” This was the tough one. John got to his feet. Mercifully, the chair didn’t squeak. The room was dead quiet. “Yes, some people died. But let’s not pretend these are the first people to die in the interests of commerce. Let’s not pretend there’s a company in this room that hasn’t had to put profit above human life at some point. We make cars we know some people will die in. We make medicine that carries a chance of a fatal reaction. We make guns. I mean, you want to expel someone here for murder, let’s start with the Philip Morris Liaison. We have all, at some time, put a price tag on a human life and decided we can afford
it. No one in this room has the right to sit here and pretend my actions came out of the blue.”

He took a risk and paused for effect. If the IBM Liaison was going to preach at him, now was his chance. But he didn’t. He just sat there.
Pussy, John
thought.

“Look, I am not designing next year’s ad campaign here. I’m getting rid of the Government, the greatest impediment to business in history. You don’t do that without a downside. Yes, some people die. But look at the gain! Run a cost-benefit analysis! Maybe some of you have forgotten what companies really do. So let me remind you: they make as much money as possible. If they don’t, investors go elsewhere. It’s that simple. We’re all cogs in wealth-creation machines. That’s all.

“I’ve given you a world without Government interference. There is now no advertising campaign, no intercompany deal, no promotion, no action you can’t take. You want to pay kids to get the swoosh tattooed on their foreheads? Who’s going to stop you? You want to make computers that need repair after three months? Who’s going to stop you? You want to reward consumers who complain about your competitors in the media? You want to pay them for recruiting their little brothers and sisters to your brand of cigarettes? You want the NRA to help you eliminate your competition? Then do it. Just do it.”

Their faces; ah, their faces. They hadn’t seen this coming at all, John realized. He was opening the door to a brave new commercial world and they were transfixed by the pure, golden light of profit spilling from it.

“I’m a businessman. That’s all. I just want to do business.”

He spread his palms. For a long time, nobody spoke. It was a much better silence than before. John enjoyed every moment of it.

Alfonse said, “We will need to consider—”

“Fuck that!” the Pepsi kid said. “Let’s vote now!”

The room was full of nodding heads. “Very well. All those in favor of expelling John Nike from US Alliance?”

Four hands went up—no, five. John felt warmth steal up his body.

“It seems you stay with us, John.”

“I am pleased and humbled,” he said. He couldn’t control his smile.

T
he meeting raged for three hours. The Liaisons were electrified by the possibilities; it was so cute. They threw around outrageous marketing plans, deals for customer referral, for market leverage, segmentation. By the end of it, even John was sick of talk about money.

When it was over he escaped to the lobby, took cover behind a bronze statue of John D. Rockefeller, and flipped open his cellphone.

“General Li NRA.”

“It’s me.”

“Ah, John… I don’t think we should be talking—”

“Forget about that. It’s taken care of.”

“If you say so.”

John was beginning to respect General Li. He was straight-talking, no big ego, a results man. “You’ll get verification soon enough. Meantime, I have another job for you.”

A hand fell on his shoulder: Alfonse. “John. You continue to surprise me.”

“You’re too kind.”

“One thing,” Alfonse said. “It crosses my mind that you may be tempted to press your present advantage. You may think that because you have gotten away with one unsanctioned action, you may do it again.”

“No, Alfonse, of course not.”

“Nothing happens without the approval of the member companies. Do you understand that, John?”

“Totally.”

Alfonse nodded. “Then I will leave you to your call.”

John watched him exit. “Still there, Li?”

“Yes.”

“How much muscle can you get to the major cities in three days?”

“You mean—”

“You know what I mean.”

“Well,” Li said. “A lot.”

“Do it,” John said. “I’ve got competitors to take care of.”

Buy got lost on the way to Kate’s school, and the traffic was
terrible
, murderous. He tapped the steering wheel, anxious. “I thought you said it was a ten-minute drive.”

“It
is
, usually.”

“So what—” Then, up ahead, he saw the Highpoint mall was plastered with a gigantic billboard:
UP TO 50% OFF TO US ALLIANCE CARDHOLDERS TODAY!
Cars were banked up in four lanes trying to get into the parking lot. “There are sales on?”

“Don’t you watch TV?” Kate said.

“Uh,” Buy said. “Not enough, clearly.” A gap opened in the adjoining lane: he stamped on the gas. A car behind him tooted its horn. Buy flipped him the bird. He realized Kate was looking at him.

“That’s rude.”

“I know,” he said, shamed. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. There’s my school.”

“Don’t eat that cake before lunchtime. You remember what we agreed?”

“Yes, Buy.”

He smiled at her. “You are a terrific girl.”

She looked away shyly. He couldn’t resist kissing her cheek. “Now off you go.”

Kate jumped out of the Jeep, waved, and started walking toward the school gate. Buy was watching her instead of the traffic, and another car tooted him.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said. He didn’t feel irritated at all.

W
hen he came back from lunch, the red voice-mail light on his phone was flashing. He blinked in surprise. Buy hadn’t had a voice-mail message in almost a week. He picked up the handset.

“Buy! It is Kato Mitsui, Liaison, leaving a message. Please call me back at your conveniences.”

He put down the phone. Kato obviously wanted to know what bizarre marketing schemes Buy had dreamed up: well, the answer was none. He decided to call Kato back anyway. He had had enough of sitting at his desk doing nothing.

He was switched through three secretaries, all of whom spoke American better than Buy, then connected to Kato. Kato was in his car, or maybe a plane; Buy heard a rush of air in motion. “Buy! It is most pleasing to speak with you again.”

“And with you, Kato. Although I don’t have much to report. Marketing isn’t really my—”

“Ah, that is not why I called. I have a more urgent task for you.”

“Oh.”

Kato laughed. “I am no doubt filling your In Tray to overflowing. Tell me, have you heard of the amazing exploits of John Nike, Liaison?”

“John Nike? No.”

“I must confess great surprise, for he has splashed across the news,” Kato said. “He is a leading role in US Alliance strategies. And he is from the Australian territories, like yourself. I thought to
myself, Buy, what tremendous good fortune it is for you to share so many coincidences with John. So I wish you to form a contact, and make yourself of usefulness to him.”

Buy blinked. “How, exactly?”

“I do not mind how, Buy. I simply wish to get into bed with him. You will ingratiate the corporation of Mitsui to John Nike through your helpfulness. Sometime later, of course, John Nike will repay Mitsui.”

“Or repay Kato,” Buy said.

Kato’s laugh was loud enough to hurt his ear. “Sometimes my colleagues accuse me of learning too much from America. You are also a quick study, I can tell. Together we make a most excellent team.”

Buy didn’t know what to say. “Thanks.”

“Call me when you have entwined yourself with John,” Kato said.