Jenna's Cowboy (24 page)

“You’re a warrior, Nate,” Dub said softly. “You always will be. But now the battle is for peace of mind.”

19

Nate concluded that if his minister hadn’t been with him at the VA, they would have strapped him down on a bed and assigned an attendant the size of an NFL linebacker to guard the door. At the beginning of the visit, the doctor was kind but persistent with his questioning. When Nate finally admitted that he’d sought help because he’d had a potentially serious fight with his friends, the physician’s primary focus became keeping him from harming others or himself.

Pastor Brad talked fast, assuring him that he would personally bring Nate back early the next morning for a more thorough physical and psychological evaluation. The doctor relented only after Nate promised to take whatever the doctor gave him.

As they walked back to the car, Nate shook his head. “Sheesh, if I wasn’t anxious before I went in there, I would be when I came out. With him barking orders, I might as well be back in the army.”

Pastor Brad chuckled and rested his hand on Nate’s shoulder. “The doctor is a good man, if a little too intense. I think it comes from working in the ER. He’s seen too many attempted suicides to simply let someone loose that might be in danger.”

The former military chaplain shared some of his recovery experiences with him on the way home. Some sounded okay. A few weren’t.

“I’d have a hard time in a group session.” Nate’s throat went dry at the thought of it.

“They’re all vets, most from the War on Terror, though there were a few from Viet Nam. I thought it would be hard too, but after a time or two, I realized that nobody could understand what I’d been through the way they could. The therapist or counselor was there to facilitate the discussion, but most of the help came from the group.”

Nate didn’t want to sound like a whiner, but he knew he couldn’t do it. He’d spent too long trying to hide his feelings from other soldiers. “I don’t think I can open up like that to strangers. Maybe if they were Christians and looked at things from a spiritual perspective, it might be easier. But that’s not likely, is it?”

“There will probably be some who are believers, but often the nonbelievers are pretty vocal about not wanting anybody to talk about God. Tell Dr. Silverman how you feel. He’s a Christian, so he’ll understand where you’re coming from. He’s good about working one on one with a patient if that’s the best thing. After he sees you for a while, I think he’ll let me take over the sessions. We could do them in my office, at your house, or out in the middle of nowhere if you want. That way you wouldn’t have to keep driving to Big Spring.” Pastor Brad flashed him a grin. “And you know we’ll include the Lord in the conversation.”

Nate smiled for the first time since they left his house. “Then pull every string you can to make it happen.”

“Will do.” The minister’s smile faded. “Getting through this may be hard.”

“I know. Though I wouldn’t mind a spit and baling wire job.”

Brad chuckled. “From your mouth to God’s ears. We’ll pray that the Lord has an easy fix in mind.”

Jenna was playing out in the yard with Zach when Pastor Brad and Nate drove by.
Thank you
,
Lord
,
that they let him
come home. If they didn’t keep him, he must not be real
bad, right?

Zach picked up his little soccer ball and watched the car drive by their house. “That Nate?”

“Yes. He’s with Pastor Brad.”

“Nate scary.”

Jenna’s heart dropped. Since waking up from his nap, her son hadn’t mentioned Nate or what happened earlier. She’d hoped and prayed that he wouldn’t remember it. She picked him up and walked up the steps to the big porch on the old white house, sitting down in a white wicker rocker with Zach on her lap. “Yes, he was scary this morning. But he isn’t like that the rest of the time. Except for this morning, he’s always been nice, hasn’t he?”

Zach nodded, his eyebrows dipping into a tiny frown. “Why he push Uncle Chance down?”

“Uncle Chance said something that made him very angry. Uncle Chance shouldn’t have talked to him like that, but Nate shouldn’t have thrown him to the floor, either.”

“Both bad?”

“Yes, they were both bad. They didn’t act nice at all.”

“Uncle Will bad too?”

Uh-oh. This was tricky. “Not really. He thought Nate was going to hurt Chance, so he was trying to stop him.”

“Nate push him too.” Zach examined a dirt streak on his ball.

“Yes, he did. And he shouldn’t have. Sometimes people we like do things they shouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean we stop liking them. Remember when Sara Beth pushed you down on the grass? You didn’t like it, and right then you didn’t like her much either, did you?”

Zach looked up at her and shook his head. “She not nice.”

“No, she wasn’t. Not then. But she felt bad about what she did and told you she was sorry. Did that make you feel better?”

“Uh-huh. My her friend.”

“Sometimes grownups do bad things too, like this morning. Then they feel bad, and they say they’re sorry. That’s what Uncle Chance and Nate did while you were asleep. They apologized to each other and forgave each other, so now they’re friends again.”

“Uncle Will too?”

“I don’t think he’s talked to Nate yet, but they’ll be friends again. If Nate tells you that he’s sorry, will you be okay with him?”
Please, Lord
.

His forehead wrinkling in thought, Zach dropped the ball, barely noticing when it bounced across the porch. Concentrating on the question, he played with a rhinestone on her collar. “Nate sorry he scary?”

Jenna hugged him close. “Oh, honey, Nate is very, very sorry he scared you. He loves you very much.”

“We go see Nate? He say sorry?”

“I don’t know, sweetheart. But I’ll call him and ask if we can go over for a few minutes.” She carried Zach into the house and pointed him toward his playroom, then she dialed Nate’s number.

When he answered, he sounded all wrung out.

After exchanging greetings, she asked, “What did the doctor say?”

“That I should be in a padded room.”

“Nate, quit kidding me.”

“He didn’t use those words, but it’s close. He was worried I’d blow up again and hurt somebody or myself. Pastor Brad convinced him that I’m a hotbed of tranquility for now. Too worn out to squish a fly. He gave me some medicine that may help me sleep and ordered me back early tomorrow for further evaluation.”

“Do you feel good enough for Zach and me to come by for a few minutes?”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? I scared him awful bad this morning.”

“He wants you to say you’re sorry. Then I think he’ll be okay.”

She heard him catch his breath, then clear his throat. “Then get here quick as you can.”

“We’re on our way.” Jenna hung up and went to get Zach. He was driving a fat little green car around on the carpet. “Let’s go see Nate.”

Jenna grabbed some CDs she’d laid out along with her car keys and scooped him up, hurrying out the door and trotting down the steps. She secured him in the car seat in record time.

They met Pastor Brad on the way as he was leaving the ranch. She thought he might stop and speak to her, but he merely waved and smiled. When she stopped in front of Nate’s house, he stepped out onto the porch.

Zach watched him the whole time Jenna unfastened the straps on the car seat and lifted him out of the pickup. Often Zach preferred to walk these days, but he hung on to her as she carried him up the porch steps.

Nate’s sad expression made her want to put her arms around him and tell him not to worry. He studied Zach intently but made no move to reach for him. Her son focused on him just as seriously. “Did I scare you this morning?”

Zach nodded, his expression too somber for such a little boy. “Nate bad.”

“Yes, I was. What I did was very wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten angry. I’m sorry.”

“You sorry you scary?”

Nate flinched, and Jenna shrugged slightly. Evidently, her son needed a little more convincing.

“Very sorry. Will you forgive me?”

“Uh-huh.” Zach held out his arms, and Nate took him, holding him close.

He briefly closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Thank you, Zach.”

Zach hugged his neck, then straightened and showed Nate his toy.

“That’s a pretty cool car.”

“We play cars?”

“Not today, buddy. I’m all worn out. Maybe we can play another time.”

“Okay.” Zach looked at Jenna, and Nate handed him to her.

“Thanks for coming by.”

“Is there anything I can do?” She wanted to stay with him, to assure him that he wasn’t alone, but he needed rest, and with Zach around that wouldn’t happen.

“Pray for me tonight and tomorrow. Pastor prayed with me before he left, so I don’t feel quite as uneasy as I did. But I’m nervous about tomorrow. I thought for a while today that the doctor wasn’t going to let me out of there.”

“I’ve been praying for you all afternoon. Actually I pray for you every day.”

That brought a tiny smile to his face and a hint of sparkle to his eyes. “You do?”

“Ever since you came home. And a lot of the time while you were overseas, except when I was going through my own troubles. But I’ll be especially diligent tonight and tomorrow. I don’t think the hospital can keep you unless you consent or they have a court order. It might be different at the VA, but I doubt it.”

“You may be right, but the way the doctor talked, he could do whatever he wanted to. He’s probably tight with a judge in Howard County.”

“We don’t live in Howard County. I don’t know if that makes a difference, but it might.” She laid her hand on his arm. “But we trust in a higher authority than a county judge. God will see you through this, Nate.”

“That’s what I’m counting on.”

“We’ll go now and let you rest.” She glanced down, confirming that he still had his boots on. “Walk out to the truck with me. I brought you some CDs that helped me when I was depressed and had trouble sleeping.”

“Lullabies?” He followed her down the porch steps and across the mainly dirt yard.

“In a way. Instrumental worship songs. Some Celtic, some solo guitar. I found them soothing and relaxing, even if I didn’t always recognize the song. They didn’t always put me to sleep, but it was a good way to draw close to the Lord and rest in him.”

“Thanks. I’ll give them a try.” He smiled wearily. “Beats watching infomercials any day.”

After Jenna left, Nate called Dub, then Chance, and let them know how things stood. He talked to Will too, apologizing for his actions and confirming that his friend was still his friend and wasn’t badly injured.

After making peace with Will, Nate walked out to check on the horses. Most of them were grazing in the pasture, within sight of the house but not within easy chasing distance.

Winston had been with the others when Nate came home, but as usual, now he hovered close to the fence in hopes of a little head rub and an apple. He nickered quietly as Nate approached.

“Hi, fellow. Waiting on this?” Nate held out a shiny red apple, smiling when the horse took it from his open hand and began crunching on it. “If you don’t eat quieter, your friends are going to wise up, and they’ll come beggin’ too. Pretty soon, I’ll be spending my whole paycheck on apples.”

If he continued to get a paycheck. A man wasn’t paid when he didn’t work. Or at least he shouldn’t be. He’d made it clear to Dub that he didn’t expect wages for the time he spent going to the doctor. The rancher had grunted and told him not to worry about it, that he wasn’t paying him by the hour.

He scratched behind Winston’s ears and rested his forehead against the horse’s neck. Win made a little noise that sounded as if he was murmuring encouragement, maybe even trying to tell his friend how much he loved him. Whatever he said, Nate found it comforting. “I love you too, boy.” He straightened and assessed the other horses, deciding they looked fine. “I gotta call the folks and tell them how messed up I am. ’Course, they probably already know that.” With one last pat on the horse’s head, he turned and went slowly to the house.

Back inside, he called his mom and dad. Worried about their reaction, he paced across the kitchen twice before his mom picked up the phone. They chatted for a few minutes until he said, “Put the phone on speaker, Mom. I need to talk to you both.”

She complied and Nate filled them in on what had been going on the last few weeks and in particular that day. When he finished, they were silent. He pictured them looking at each other across the kitchen table, perplexed and wondering what to say.

Finally his dad cleared his throat. “I’m glad you went to see the doctor, son. We’ve been worried about you.”

His mom spoke up. “We didn’t have any idea how bad things were. I’m sorry we didn’t realize what you’ve been going through.” She sniffed, and her voice wobbled. Nate almost groaned. He hoped she wouldn’t get all weepy on him. He understood her feelings, but he couldn’t handle that right now.

“I didn’t expect you to, Mom. So don’t feel guilty or worry. After talking with Pastor Brad and the doctor, I’m confident they’ll get me squared away with the Lord’s help. I wanted to let you know what’s going on.”