Jeanne G'Fellers - Sisters Flight (14 page)

No!
I heard my child self wail.
Go
away!

You
must. The time has come to reconcile.
The
details are clearer to me than most anything else in life before or since. At
that moment, Evangeline's presence overwhelmed my being, and all my defenses
eased. My cage unlocked, my raw, unhealed child soul became exposed, and my
adult self became an observer to what unfolded.

Once
freed, the hurt child descended on Evangeline, kicking and screaming, spitting
out all the hurtful words she had been on the receiving end of for so long.
Evangeline didn't shield herself from the child's blows, didn't reply to her
anger. Instead, she let my child self unload all her rage, soaking in every
blow and curse without reaction until a single tear escaped the corner of her
eye.

What
the fuck are you crying for?
My child
self asked as she raised her hand for another blow.

For
you,
said Evangeline in a quiet
voice. She wiped the tear away and looked at the hurt child's clenched fist.
I
am sorry that you have been hurt.

No,
you're not!
my child self said with a
wave of the same fist.
No one ever is.

I
am.

Liar!
And my child self reared back for
another blow, this one ending at Evangeline's mouth where it split her bottom
lip. Again, Evangeline's only reaction came in the form of a lone tear that ran
down her face.

I
am sorry that you were not loved by those who
should have loved you.

You
lie!
Another blow landed on
Evangeline's shoulder.

I
am sorry that you were not found sooner.

Liar!

lam
sorry you were made to hurt.

Stop
it.

I
am sorry you were beaten.

Stop!
I heard my child self cry.

I
am sorry you were cut and burned.

Stop!
A second blow to Evangeline's mouth
smeared the blood on her lip, and my child self drew back, holding out her hand
to see the red.
You bleed,
the child whispered.
You bleed, too.
A
look of confusion swept over her, and she fell to her knees beside Evangeline.

All
sisters must bleed sometime, young one.
Evangeline
touched her lip.
And we all hurt.

Not
all.
My child self's glare turned in
my direction.

We
hurt for each other and the pain we must all endure to become who we are,
said Evangeline with a wave toward my adult self.
This
woman hurts now because she didn't know how to cope with your pain except to
lock you away.

But
why?
My child self's rage now focused
on my adult form.
Why did she leave me alone in the dark for so long?
Her
fists clenched for me and her eyes narrowed to mere slits.
She hates me,
too!

She
does not hate you,
said Evangeline
when I couldn't.
She locked you away to keep you from farther hurt. She was
trying to protect you.
With that, she scooted a little closer to my child
self.

She
left me all alone!
My child moved
away from Evangeline, bringing her a little closer to my seemingly frozen adult
self.

She
never left you.

Then
why couldn't I ever see her?

She
carried you inside her.
Evangeline
moved again, and the child scooted back, closer still to me.
In her heart.

She
carried me with her and still didn't speak to me? She had me all along?
The child began to cry piteously. Bitter tears rolled
down her face, soaking the front of her dirty dress.
I knew she was close. I
could feel her, but she still didn't answer me.
Her wails became louder and
she began to hit the ground, small fists pounding in rage until the tears and
dirt formed mud that coated her hands.
Why?

She
was afraid to get close,
said
Evangeline when the temper fit slowed.
She was afraid you might add her pain
to your own.

My
child self swiped her nose with her muddy hand and looked at me with a gaze to
break my spirit.
Well, Pm here now. Why doesn't she at least say she's
sorry?

We
each have only one voice, and you have it now.
Evangeline moved closer, and again, my child self
increased the distance, inadvertently drawing one step closer to me.

How
can I have her voice?
My child self,
now close enough to touch, looked up and into my face. I could smell the sour
of her unwashed skin, see the knots that kinked her hair. She was pain—my pain
come alive—and I wanted to hold her and tell her things would be okay.
This
is my voice.

It
is hers as well.
Evangeline used her
energy to push my child self forward and up, placing us face to face, frozen in
our gaze on each other.
You are one and the same
—
one body, one mind
torn in two
—
one locked away, protected from farther harm but unable to
grow up and express her anger, her pain, while the other grew up but tried to
forget it all, especially her locked away child self. One can be two no more.
Evangeline
rose before us, wrapped her arms around us, and the child and I became one
inside her embrace. She comforted and loved both the child inside me and the
woman on the surface. She loved us apart, and then as one, showing us how the
pain of one was the other's strength. She loved us until my child's tears
became my woman's moan of deepest pleasure and her skilled mind continued that
pleasure for longer than I imagined possible. She caressed and tasted every bit
of me with her thoughts, savoring everything I had to offer while showing me
all the while how beautiful every part of me really was. The scars, the
memories, the pain, it all was beautiful because it was part of me. She loved
me, all of me, until nothing else mattered, until all else faded away.

When
I emerged from what I can only describe as a deep sleep, it was early morning,
and I was back in camp, wrapped in my blanket. Laszlo sat nearby, watching me
with curiosity. "Good, you're awake." She touched my face then called
out to Evangeline who sat at the fireside with Stiles and Frest.

"Go
rest while you can." Evangeline patted her apprentice's back then squatted
beside me. "Are you well?" she asked when Laszlo had walked away. My
entire body threatened to burst into flames when she brushed the hair from my
face, and I gasped from the want.
That will pass with time.

"Does
anyone else know?"

"Stiles
and the other Kimshees know I bonded with you for a healing, but no one else
needs to know."

"That
was a healing?"

"As
far as everyone, including myself, is concerned," she said. "I joined
your fragments into something more cohesive, something that should stay
together this time."

"As
compared to the patchwork Garrziko did?"

"Sarah
Garrziko worked hard at holding you together, but you needed more than she
could offer." Evangeline worried the small swelling on her bottom lip.
"And she would have not taken kindly to what I endured at your
hands."

I
sat up. "But that occurred in my mind."

"Sometimes
the two are interchangeable."

"So
I'm learning." I reached out to Evangeline, hoping to breathe her in one
last time. I wanted nothing more than her touch and her mind and the joy they
brought me. But my thoughts soon turned to Myrla. Would she understand what had
happened? Could I effectively explain it all?

"Do
not worry." Evangeline leaned close to brush her lips against mine, and I
shuddered in sheer ecstasy. "We should enjoy the aftereffects while we
can," she whispered, then leaned back with a smile. "Your Myrla will
understand."

"How
would—" I began then returned her smile. "You would know, wouldn't
you?"

"I
helped you reconcile, Rankil, meld the scarred child with the vibrant woman.
Myrla will delight in seeing the two become one."

"Are
you certain?" I pulled my knees to my chest. "I never even thought
about sharing myself with anyone else."

"That
is as it should be," said Evangeline. "Just remember that I didn't
make love to you, my dear, I loved you, all of you, something you have never
experienced until now. Now that you know it is possible, you can share the
concept with Myrla."

"Do
you think she'll be willing?"

"Even
asking shows you have no idea how deeply she loves you."

"You've
sampled her too?" Genuine curiosity, not jealously, backed my question.

"I
sample everyone I meet." Evangeline rose to her feet. "Are you able
to rejoin the others?"

"As
long as you don't touch me." I shed my blanket to stand beside her.

"Same
here." She laughed and we walked toward the fire.

"I'm
not sure what happened a while ago," said Frest as soon as I stepped up.
"And Stiles has told me in no uncertain terms I shouldn't ask, but I still
would like to know if your father is warranted in his claim."

"No,
I didn't kill my uncle." As hard as I tried, I couldn't remember my
uncle's name. "But he's dead because of me." I traced the scars
hidden beneath my paints. "He left me with this."

"You're
Rankil." Frest shook his head. "You've gained quite a reputation
among the slavers."

"The
slavers wouldn't know me. I was never bought or sold." I awed over my own
calm.

"Just
the same, Danston went to them in search of you. He figured you'd be caught
sooner or later." Frest rolled his shoulders, capturing the heat rising
from his mug. "Then he heard Longpass's tale of a teen broadback with a
scarred face and a gentlewoman and a screaming child who'd escaped his grasp
with a singing Autlach captive." Frest looked over to Stiles, whose
attentions were on me and my newfound serenity. "Longpass doesn't care for
those who run from him, especially one who takes out nine men doing so."

"Nine?"
Stiles raised her brows. "I heard there were only four bodies in the tunnels."

"Nine's
what I heard." Frest happily indulged in a warmed over ration biscuit.
"But you're probably closer than me, what with the way stories of your
people grow each time they're told."

"I
only got off one shot. The rest must have burned in the slick fire Myrla
set." I looked to Evangeline, who nodded her head in approval. "I
didn't know so many died that day. I ... I mean, we just wanted to escape,
that's all."

"You
do what you need to," said Stiles. "No need for apologies."

"I
agree," said Frest through his full mouth. "But you should know that
Longpass caught a bit of the flame himself, lost part of an arm to it. He also
blames you for ruining his daughter Olitti. Any truth to that?"

"Olitti
and her brothers and mother sheltered with us for a while that same
winter," I said. "Kaelan and Jewel fed and loved those children like
they were their own, especially Olitti."

"Well,
you must have left an impression on the child because rumor has it she cried
for you and your raisers long after he returned with her."

"And
Longpass saw fit to try to cleanse her for it, I'm sure." I shook my head.

"Everything
short of burning before she would recant, so I've been told."

"She's
just a little girl."

"Aye,
but she's his daughter and a reflection of his devotion." Frest wiped his
mouth on the back of his sleeve. "What good is he if he can't cleanse his
own flesh and blood?"

"Like
his first wife?"

"He
claimed your people had already eaten her. That he only found her bones."
He peered hard at me.

"He
cut her throat," I said matter-of-factly.

Frest
shook his head again. "Well, whatever happens, don't let him catch you,
girl. He has more than one reason to hate you. He plans to mount your head over
his hearth."

"They
won't catch this Barrier trooper," I said with a confidence that surprised
even me.

"Good
to hear, but your bounty is high enough to keep them looking." Frest
flipped his last bite of biscuit into the snow. "Now, it's daylight and
the selling starts at mid-morn. I suggest we get to work."

In
complete agreement, we began finalizing our plans.

Chapter
Nine

Rescue

Apprentice:
I feel danger, but I see no cause for it.