January First: A Child's Descent Into Madness and Her Father's Struggle to Save Her (21 page)

Once again I have brought Honey up to the school grounds to run and made Janni come with me. It’s after dark and the school grounds are empty. The playing field is fenced in, so I can let Honey off her leash to run.

“Honey!” I hold up a tennis ball. I need Honey to burn off some energy to tire her out.

Honey comes over, but I don’t throw the ball. I want to get her worked up enough for the ball so she’ll go chasing it.

“Come on, Honey! Jump!” I hold the ball out and she goes for it. But then I pull it up higher, out of her reach, forcing her to jump for it. I do this repeatedly until Honey is absolutely berserk, and then I heave it into the darkness and Honey runs after it.

Janni is swinging by herself. She says she rarely gets to swing at school because there’s a twenty-second time limit. I hate watching her swing by herself.

Janni gets off the swings and crosses to the tetherball and foursquare courts.

I look over at Honey, who can’t find the ball. She trots off toward Janni.

I start across the field, hoping I can find the ball in the dark.

“Ow!” I hear Janni cry out.

“What happened?” I ask, turning and running toward her, nervous. Did she trip?

“Honey stepped on my foot.”

I slow, relaxing. “Oh.” That’s no big deal. Honey only weighs about forty-five pounds and is already trotting off after another scent.

But then I see Janni walking briskly after her, her arm up in the air.

“Janni,” I call. “What are you doing?”

“I have to hit her.” She says this like it’s a fact.

“Janni, it was an accident. Honey didn’t mean it.”

“Yes, she did.”

“How could she have meant it? She’s a dog.”

Honey is still trotting along, sniffing, oblivious to Janni, who’s coming up behind her, fist in the air.

“Janni!” I yell from a hundred feet away. “Do not hit Honey!”

“I have to,” she answers, as if she’s in pain and this is the only way to relieve it.

“Honey!” I scream to her. “Run!” I race toward Honey. I don’t know how hard Janni will hit Honey, if it will be only a light slap or if she’ll hit Honey repeatedly. Not that it matters. I can’t allow her to get away with hurting an animal. There was a time when Janni would never hurt an animal, but I don’t have time to think about that now.

Honey looks up and sees me coming full tilt. Thinking it’s a game, she runs off, Janni’s fist missing her by inches.

Janni turns to follow Honey, but I reach her, grabbing her arm.

“Let me go,” she says flatly.

“Janni, it was an accident.”

“I have to hit her.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do.” Janni tries to pull free from me, while Honey’s sniffing grass twenty feet away.

“Janni, I can’t let you hit Honey.”

Janni turns to me, as if just realizing that it’s me holding her back, but she’s not looking at my face, just down at my chest.

She hits my arm and then my chest, her fist raining down heavy blows on me. I am so used to this by now that the pain barely registers.

“I need to hit her,” Janni tells me as if I just can’t understand.

I stand between her and Honey. “Then you are going to have to get past me,” I say playfully, like this is a game of tag rather than my daughter trying to hurt her beloved dog.

I present myself as an alternate target. Better me than Honey. The last thing I want is Honey starting to fear or distrust Janni. I couldn’t deal with that. “Bet you can’t get me,” I say to taunt her.

Maybe she’ll get angry enough with me that she’ll be distracted from Honey. If I can get her to chase me instead of Honey, I can run until she gets tired. I challenge her, praying it will work. Janni swings her fist at me, but I jump back. “Come on,” I taunt playfully. “Come get me.”

She starts running after me. I feel relief. My plan is working. She comes within three feet of me, close enough that I can see her dull eyes. Not the eyes of my daughter, but I have no time to think about that right now, either. Her fist is flying toward me. I step back, out of range, and jog a few feet backward, still facing her.

“Come on, you can do better than that!”

Just as she reaches me, I jerk away. I feel her fist slice down my side. I laugh. “Hah, hah. Missed me!”

I scuttle a few feet, looking back over my shoulder to make sure she is chasing me and not Honey, who I can see crossing the field.

Janni spots her and immediately turns from chasing me to running toward Honey. She still hasn’t forgotten. It’s like Honey killed her family and she must exact revenge. I run toward Honey, my shoes pounding on the grass, and jump in between her and Janni.

“Janni. Hit me!”

“I have to hit Honey.”

“I want you to hit me.” I draw in close to her. “Come on, hit me.”

Janni swings at me and I dance away like a boxer. “Come on,” I call. “It’s a free hit. No time-out. But you have to catch me first.”

I start running her in circles, thinking she’ll eventually figure out that she can get me if she crosses the circle, but she never breaks from my path.

Something is wrong. She’s not getting tired. And I am. I leave the circle and jog backward, pulling out my cell phone to check the time. Twenty minutes have passed. I turn and break into a dead run to create enough separation so I can stop for a second and take a breather.

I reach the end of the field and turn back, breathing hard. My leg muscles are screaming in pain. I can’t do this much longer. I look up at Janni, still coming.
She’s not stopping
.

Suddenly, she turns away from me and starts after Honey again. I break into a sprint, ignoring the pain in my legs and the growing cramp in my side, until I get between her and Honey.

“Hah!” I gasp. “Not gonna let you do it.” She comes right at me, fist raised. But I am too tired to run anymore. I stand still as she hits my arm and then my stomach.

“Come on! You hit like a girl!”

But she is changing direction, running toward Honey again.

“Honey!” Janni calls. “Come here, Honey!” It sounds like
“Here’s Johnny!”
from
The Shining
.

Honey turns, complying.

“No, Honey!” I labor after Janni.

“Honey, come here,” Janni calls.

No. Now she is trying to lure Honey close enough to hit her
. It is so evil, so out of character for her, but again I push it out of my mind.

I reach Janni and put my arms around her as we both fall back onto the ground, pulling her back on top of me.

She tries to break free.

“I need to hit Honey.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do.”

The back of her head slams into my nose, on purpose or by accident I’m not sure. But in shock I let go and she’s up on her feet again, going after Honey.

“Janni,” I weakly call after her. “Come hit me. Hit me instead of Honey.”

But Janni ignores me, and Honey is coming over to see what we’re doing.

I stagger to my feet and give chase, catching Janni around the waist and bringing her down again. I wrap her in my arms. She kicks at my legs and hits me in the face with the back of her head.

“Just let me hit Honey!”

“I can’t do that, Janni. She’s an innocent dog.”

“Just let me do it!”

She wriggles free, and I pull myself to my knees and grab her, bringing her back down to the grass. I pin her arms.

She isn’t going to stop. How the hell am I going to get them both home without Janni hitting Honey? I brought them here for a little fun, and now I’ll have to call Susan to come up here so Honey can ride in her car, and I’ll take Janni. But she has Bodhi. I don’t want to drag Bodhi out in this cold night air.

I get to my feet and lift Janni off the ground, so I am not dragging her over concrete, and start the long walk back to the car in the
parking lot, with her continually beating me about the head. I’m emotionless, with just a single thought:
Get her to the car
.

We reach the car and I put her in the backseat. It will be easier for me to protect Honey if she’s the one in the front now. I can use my arm as a shield. Janni gets one final punch in, this time on my mouth. It hurts, but I just close the door.

I have no idea where Honey even is now. I can’t see her in the dark, as I silently curse myself for coming up here.

“Honey!” I yell into the night a few times before she reappears.

I put her leash back on and open the front passenger door. Honey hops up and I close the door.

As I am moving around the front of the car, the dome light is on from the door just being opened, and I see Janni lean forward from the backseat. She lifts her fist and brings it down on Honey’s nose before I can even make it into the driver’s seat.

Honey flinches but otherwise doesn’t react.

I wrench open the door, ready to leap between Janni and Honey. But Janni is done. She’s now staring straight ahead, ready to go home, as if nothing happened.

She was right. She just needed to hit Honey.

I failed to stop Janni from hitting Honey. It was just one hit this time, but what about next time? What do I do? Leave Janni at home, exposing Bodhi to her, or bring her out with me and risk her hitting Honey?

I look up at the starless sky. I don’t know anymore. I just want to get everybody home, Janni to bed, and end another day in this hell we’re living in.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Christmas Day, 2008

O
ur friend Dave and his eleven-year-old son, Cameron, are coming over to spend Christmas Day with us. Dave works at KFI Radio, which was my first job when I arrived in LA in the mid-nineties. Dave was there when Susan and I first met thirteen years ago, seemingly a lifetime ago. Susan recently reconnected with him through the Internet and started talking to him about our problems with Janni.

We hadn’t seen him in years, but he could relate because his son, Cameron, also has “issues” and is on medication for Asperger’s and bipolar disorder. I get the sense that Susan feels she can talk to Dave easier than she can talk to me. She’s also been commiserating with her friend Tracy from her old workplace, since she has kids on the Autistic spectrum. All three of them talk on Facebook now. Susan still believes there is a mental illness involved, but I don’t want to hear this. There is no point. Even if Janni does have a mental illness, there is no one to help her except us.

Nonetheless, I like it when Dave and his son come over, because when Janni loses it, he doesn’t bat an eye. There’s no judgment or shock. He knows what it’s like to be attacked by your own child.

We’re going out for dinner, but first I have to take Honey out, and with Dave here I can actually take her for a real walk, a full walk, not the usual racing Honey through her business. Dave will be here to help if Janni goes after Bodhi. He is the only person on earth I trust to leave Janni alone with Susan and Bodhi.

Except that this time Janni wants to come, and so does Cameron, meaning Dave will come, too. I should say no. Honey is great with other dogs, but not so great with humans other than us.

But I agree, too tired to deal with Janni’s meltdown and violence if I say no.

I walk a few feet ahead of the others so Honey keeps her focus on sniffing the ground and disregards Dave and Cameron.

We’ve only gone a hundred yards when Janni suddenly stops.

“I can’t go on.” She drops down onto the asphalt of the parking lot and lies there.

Shit. I can’t carry her back and hold Honey at the same time, and I can’t hand Honey to Dave because she will lunge at him, even if she doesn’t bite. She is a nipper.

“Come on, Janni. Just a little farther.”

“No.”

“Janni, you said you wanted to come. We have to keep going. Honey needs to do her business.”

“No.”

I’ve been through this before. The best thing to do is to wait and act like this isn’t annoying me in the least. Janni can never stay in one place for very long. Eventually, she’ll get bored and decide to get up and keep going.

“I’ll wait.”

“I’m not going.”

“That’s fine.”

“Never.”

“Okay.”

I wait, while still keeping my eyes out for cars that might come speeding through the parking lot.

Instinctively, as if reading my mind, Dave moves to where the parking lot curves, positioning himself as a human barrier. If a car races in, he’ll be hit first.

“Janni, let’s at least get out of the parking lot. You know cars can come through here pretty quick.”

“No.”

“I just don’t want you to get run over.”

Janni doesn’t move. This is taking longer than usual. Maybe it’s because I’m hungry, or maybe for just once I want to have a peaceful night, but I start to lose my patience.

“Janni, if you don’t get up, we aren’t going to Red Lobster.”

Janni sits up and climbs to her feet. I relax, thinking I’ve enticed her. But she moves toward Honey, eyes down, dull. Her fist goes up in the air.

No, not again. Honey is on the leash, trapped. I turn my body to Janni, attempting to block her, but I get twisted up in the leash, pulling Honey closer. Janni hits Honey hard enough that I can hear the thud.

“Janni!” I retreat across the parking lot, trying to get Honey away, but Janni is still coming. She hits Honey again. Honey just puts her head down like she did something wrong. You would never know this was the same dog I had to hold off the sheriff’s deputies last spring. Maybe, on some level, Honey knows this really isn’t Janni.

Janni is still hitting Honey, and I can’t protect her as long as she remains on the leash. I wish I could let her go, but Honey would just go after Dave and Cameron.

Dave steps toward us, ready to help, but Honey leaps to the end of her leash, barking and snarling at Dave, oblivious to Janni’s hitting her.

“Janni,” Dave calls softly. “Come over here with me and Cameron.”

“Janni, don’t do that,” Cameron adds, watching her hit Honey. This bothers me even more. If he’s disturbed by what Janni is doing to Honey, then Janni is worse than he is.

But Janni keeps on hitting Honey. I keep moving to face her, trying to put my body between Janni and Honey, but Honey, still on the leash, has nowhere to go except around me in circles. Janni keeps following her, like a carousel from hell.