Jamie Brown Is NOT Rich (7 page)

CHAPTER 6

MEETING THE
LOCALS

We had trouble at the front door. Dad opened it and we were all oooohing and aaaahing at the inside of the house, but he forgot to key in the security code again and suddenly there were alarms going and lights and sirens and Security was there and we were all on the ground.

‘Don’t say a word!’ the guy holding me down yelled. ‘You robbers can’t get away with this sort of thing in Snootyville. We’re the law, and if you break the law you break us, and we are like beautiful vases that shouldn’t be broken.’

‘We … live … here,’ Dad managed to say, even though he was being held in a
JAMAICAN DEATH LOCK.

‘Haha, sure you do,’ said the head security guy, ‘and I’m the North Western Hot Dog Eating Champion.’

‘You
are
the North Western Hot Dog Eating Champion,’ one of the other security guys said. ‘Remember? You ate 45 hot dogs in half an hour? And then you spewed on the judge which made him spew on your wife?’

‘Oh yeah, that was a great day. Anyway, as if you lot live here. Look at you, all dirty and poor. Rich, clean people live in Snootyville.

And if you live here, why did the alarm go off?’

‘We were too amazed by the house,’ Dad said. ‘Tracey, show him the certificate.’

‘I … can’t,’ Mum said. ‘I’m in a …
NORWEGIAN … HAMMER … HOLD.
’

The guy holding Mum let her go, and she showed the certificate. The security guys mumbled and grumbled, but they let us go.

‘Okay,’ said the main guy, glaring at us. ‘You can stay, but I do not like it and I do not like you. I will be watching you like a hawk watches a mouse, and if I see you scurrying I will swoop down and eat you like a dog’s breakfast.’

‘You eat a dog’s breakfast?’ I asked, wiggling my eyebrows at him. ‘Dude, that’s weird!’

He huffed and puffed and glared some more, and then walked off, yelling over his shoulder that he’d be watching us like a hawk.

We brushed ourselves off and looked around. The house was
AMAZING
!

There
Was
a games room!
And
a pool, and a spa, and a gym, and a real bath and a shower and a huge kitchen and a huuuge shed and a photo of Barnaby with Mum when she was little.

There was even a huge TV. We’d never had a TV before, and this one was as big as the wall. Dad picked up the remote control and smiled at me.

‘Ready to watch your first TV show, son?’ he asked.

I nodded. I so was. He looked at the remote, ummmed and ahhhhed, then pressed a button.

Dad may be the best at fixing things, but this new technology beat him. The TV stayed off … the alarm and the sprinklers in the roof didn’t!

We laughed and danced around under the water until the security guys came back and held us in
TRANSYLVANIAN FINGER GRIPS
.

TOP FIVE TRICKY THINGS
ABOUT A MANSION

1. They’re
big and confusing. I spent half an hour looking for a toilet and eventually just peed in a pot plant.

2. All
the buttons! The security guys came and gave us
BRAZILLIAN NOSE JABS
, and all we had tried to do was open the garage door!

3. Having
a gardener. We saw some guy in our garden, so Dad tackled him instead of calling security again. Turns out it was a little old guy who had worked on the property for 74 years! Dad apologised, gave him back his false teeth, and we went inside.

4. Hotplates
that work! In Hovel Street, water took half an hour to boil. Here, apparently, it only takes two minutes, so when we got back from our walk the water had boiled away, the saucepan had caught fire, the smoke alarm and sprinklers had gone off again and Security came and held us in
MONGOLIAN EAR PULLS
and told us to use the kettle next time!

5. All
the buttons
AGAIN!
I went to take a shower, because I’d never had a shower before. In Hovel Street, a shower was when you got the bucket everyone else had washed in, the dishes had been done in, and you tipped it over your head. In Snootyville, a shower was as big as a room and had a gazillion buttons.

I pressed one button and soap squirted into my eyes. I pressed another one and a burst of hot water shot out of the wall onto my butt! I yelled out, pressed another button, and soap went in my mouth! I blew bubbles, leant over, headbutted another button, and music started playing.