Jackal's Dance (22 page)

‘Is it too soon?' Philip wondered again. He had loved Sue deeply and missed her terribly. He'd expected it to be difficult, coming back to Etosha, experiencing again a special place they'd shared together. Instead, here he was analysing a total stranger. Philip shrugged mentally. Nature had a way of being right. That he was thinking about another woman meant it was probably time to. ‘One day at a time, old mate,' he told himself. ‘If it happens, it happens.' What did he mean by
it.
Sex? Or something deeper? He found himself unable to answer the question. All he could conclude was that his libido, and possibly heart, appeared open for business.

A sudden rustle made Philip freeze. He crouched and waited, listening. Something moved
a few metres ahead and just off the path. This was the Africa Philip loved. Nothing could be predicted. The presence of danger never went away. What he had heard might have been anything. A snake – and Africa had its fair share of deadly reptiles – or something as harmless as a meerkat. It was neither. A Damara dik-dik wandered across the path ahead. The antelope seemed almost tame. Clearly, Logans Island was to its liking because, having arrived, it stayed. The staff and rangers knew of its presence and tolerated the small amount of damage it inflicted on the gardens. Although other animals occasionally found their way to the island, most departed after a day or so. The dik-dik had been in residence for five months.

Oblivious of Philip's presence, the dainty and normally elusive little buck rose to stand on its hind legs, neck stretched, reaching out for a soft shoot just above its head. Philip was enchanted. A female – no horns. About the size of a fox terrier. Having secured her tender morsel, the dik-dik dropped back to the ground and stood munching contentedly. Suddenly she noticed Philip, gave a sharp whistle of fright and bounded away in a series of stiff-legged jumps, all four feet leaving the ground together. Each time her hooves hit the track, she emitted another shrill sound. Once lost to sight, Philip stood up and relaxed.

That's Africa for you
, he thought, setting off again.
One minute it's running for your life from an elephant with a personality disorder, the next you're in Disneyland
.

Philip found Dan working with two of the African staff. The place should already have been clear of campers in readiness for the three months' seasonal close down. There was maintenance and new construction work to be done. The fact that Professor Kruger and his students had unexpectedly arrived made no difference. They took up only a small area of the site and would probably be gone again by tomorrow.

Philip was looking forward to seeing Dan again. He had never regarded himself as a man's man, preferring the company of women to a night out with the boys, a pastime pursued with almost hysterical dedication by some Australian males. But with Dan he had found a rare bonding, instantaneous and mutual. Sue had commented on it and Philip was hard-pressed to explain. ‘It's like when I met you,' he'd said. ‘A connection, a sense of trust, an easiness. I can't say better than that, Sue. It's just there.'

He was no closer to an understanding now. Philip spotted Dan and the same sense of kinship came back. The ranger looked up and saw him.

‘G'day, sport.' Philip grinned as he approached, hand outstretched.

Dan's face creased into smiles. ‘G'day yourself, cobber.' He imitated the Australian twang. ‘Welcome back.'

They shook hands, thumped shoulders and stood back.

Dan came straight out with it. ‘Got your letter about Sue. Didn't know what to say. Sorry. Thanks for letting me know.'

‘That's okay. No reply was necessary.' Philip noticed Dan stretch and wince. ‘Getting a bit old for this, are we?' he teased.

Dan rolled his eyes. ‘Too old for most things.'

Philip laughed. ‘Surely not.'

‘I did say
most
things.'

‘That's okay then,' Philip said, smiling.

‘How about you?' Dan's face was frank and concerned.

‘I'm getting there.'

‘Good. That's good.' Dan thoughts snapped back to a young girl who had once lived next door to his family home in Cape Town. He knew all about getting there when the love of your life is snatched away. Philip would talk when he was ready. Until then, it wasn't Dan's place to push for details.

‘Come on, man.' Dan discarded the heavy leather gloves he'd been wearing. ‘Let's find a couple of coldies. Hell it's good to see you. Never thought you'd come back.'

‘It's work this time. I'm setting the next book in Africa.' They fell into step, heading back towards the lodge. ‘Maybe it's cathartic, maybe not. I thought I'd worked this continent out of my system. Obviously I haven't.'

‘You never get Africa out of your blood. You should write about it. It's a part of you.' Dan glanced at Philip. ‘Ever thought of returning?'

‘Permanently?' Philip shook his head. ‘Too much has changed. It's not my home any more.'

‘So why write about it?'

‘Memories. The land of my memories. That way I get to keep it. Does that make sense?'

‘Don't know,' Dan said soberly. ‘I've never left.'

The two men's thoughts were very similar as they walked the remaining distance in silence. Philip felt that Dan was the lucky one. By staying he had absorbed change and moved with it. Dan found Philip fortunate. Returning to this very different continent then going somewhere safe to write about what it used to be. Their minds were on the same track. The whole of Africa had changed. From whichever perspective you viewed things, loving Africa was outside your control. A demanding mistress, she dictated the terms.

After James Fulton and Mal Black checked into the lodge, Billy closed the guest register thinking,
That's that for three months.
In a week's time, the last of today's new arrivals would depart, leaving only the staff. The annual close down was a time of intense activity for everyone, as everything received the pick-me-up required to cater for another nine months of operation. New building, improved decor, vehicles overhauled, furniture and fittings repaired or replaced, pool drained, repainted and refilled, in fact, jobs too numerous to mention. It was also the time all employees had to take their annual leave. The rangers looked forward to summer. Not only because it gave them four weeks' holiday, but the absence of tourists meant that early morning and late afternoon game drives were no longer required. No-one missed the
endless flow of questions. The lodge became theirs, a luxurious private home. It was always a bit of a shock when the first tourists of a new season put in an appearance.

Billy had been eagerly anticipating this break, even though it was the hottest time of year. Although his involvement with most guests was no more than checking them in and out and occasionally getting caught in the bar or dining room, the idea of three months without even that was very appealing. It was almost time to implement some of the changes for which he already held minuted board approval – making his office bigger, extending the gardens, modernising the kitchen, erecting new and better floodlights at the water-hole. All were high on Billy's list. He was also hoping to computerise the booking and accounting systems, but so far had been unable to convince head office of the necessity.

He was putting away the register when Thea came into the office. ‘Whew! It's hot out there. How come you always find a job with air conditioning?'

He assumed she was criticising him. ‘Someone has to be in the office. I suggest you get used to the heat, it's only going to get worse.' Her presence in his space gave him a crowded feeling. She had a habit of standing right next to him and seemed to need physical contact. Billy moved away. ‘Guests all happy?'

‘So far.' Thea smiled. ‘Gayle Gaynor is going to be a handful but the rest seem nice enough.'

‘Good,' Billy said absently. He waited for her to
leave but his wife stayed where she was, watching him. ‘Anything else?' he asked finally.

‘Yes.' She said it with such emphasis that Billy braced himself. ‘We haven't discussed our holiday.'

‘What about it?' He'd been dreading the enforced four-week break. At least here he managed to find time alone.

Thea looked exasperated. ‘When and where are we going?'

‘Can't that wait?' Billy said impatiently.

‘Don't you think we should talk about it? Everyone else is already on the roster.'

‘I really should be here. There's too much to do.'

Her voice became a shade harder. ‘This is the time we have to take leave. Miss out and it means waiting for another year. I need a break from this place.'

‘Well, why don't you go and stay in Windhoek with my parents?'

‘Not without you.'

‘Why does it always have to be with me? Can't you be a little more independent?'

‘You're my husband. Or had you forgotten? We're supposed to enjoy doing things together. That's why we got married, isn't it?'

‘Thea . . .' Billy didn't want this argument.

Anger gave her courage. It was clear that he didn't want to do anything as a couple. ‘You'd better get used to me being around, Billy. I'm your wife. And I'm expecting your . . . our baby.' She could not prevent the shudder of anxiety that ran through her. She hadn't wanted to tell him this way.

Billy had gone white. ‘What?'

Committed, there was nowhere to go but forward. ‘You heard me. I'm pregnant.' Thea's hands clasped and unclasped nervously. She never expected him to be overjoyed but didn't anticipate outright anger.

‘How the hell did that happen?' His eyes narrowed.

Suddenly, Thea didn't care. A reaction, any reaction, even a blazing row was preferable to the indifferent way he'd been treating her. ‘The usual way, I expect. What does it matter how? The fact is, I'm pregnant.'

‘You're on the pill, for God's sake.'

‘Yes but . . .' Thea hung her head. She had to tell him. ‘Sometimes I forget to take it.'

‘Oh, Jesus! Why the hell didn't you say so?'

‘I . . . I thought I'd be safe enough. It's only been a couple of times. Please don't shout at me, Billy. I'm sorry.'

‘You're sorry. Sorry! That's it? You drop a bombshell like that and all you can say is sorry! Jesus!' He flung his hands into the air. ‘What, in God's name, made you think I'd want a baby? How dare you presume to make that decision on your own.'

‘But, I didn't.' Thea felt tears forming in her eyes. ‘I thought –'

‘That's your trouble, you never think,' he said venomously.

‘Billy. Please calm down.'

‘Calm down! Calm down!' His voice rose again. ‘Don't tell me to bloody calm down.'

‘You're shouting, Billy. I can't deal with you when you're like this. You're too unreasonable.'

‘Unreasonable! Did you just say unreasonable?' He gave a bitter laugh. ‘Because I think what you've done defies any kind of reason going. You've ruined my life.'

‘Billy,' Thea pleaded. ‘It's a baby. It's our child. Maybe I should have realised . . . I shouldn't have assumed it would be safe.' She was choking back tears. ‘We were going to have a family at some stage, weren't we?'

‘You stupid . . .' He stopped himself with difficulty and took a deep breath. ‘Let me spell this out in words of one syllable so you can understand it. I . . . don't . . . want . . . a . . . child.'

The biting sarcasm of Billy's dictatorial declaration snapped the last of Thea's self-control. Anger triumphed over tears. ‘Well you're going to have one, whether you want it or not. Learn to live with it. I've had to.'

A muscle spasmed in his jaw. The words came cold and flat. ‘Get rid of it.'

Thea swayed back as though struck in the face. ‘Billy!' She was totally unprepared for this.

‘No child,' Billy repeated. ‘Bottom line. Now or ever. I didn't marry you to get saddled with some brat.'

‘Then why did you marry me?' Thea heard her own voice rising. ‘So you could get this job?'

Billy breathed in sharply.
She knew.
‘Don't be stupid.'

Tears flowed unchecked down her cheeks. ‘You
don't love me. You never have. Well, this is the price you pay, Billy.' She scrubbed at her cheeks. ‘No baby, no me. We'll go back to England if you want to be rid of us.'

She can't go like this. Not if you want to keep the job.
‘Thea, I'm sorry. It's so much to take on, this is the last thing I expected. We can work it out somehow. I didn't mean to make you so upset. Come here, darling. I'm sorry. It's just a bit of a shock.'

Oh God, how she wanted to believe him. Hope had flared and Thea grasped it. She felt his arms go around her.

‘You know, darling, you're right. We should talk about our leave. Where would you like to go?' His voice was warm, the way it had been when they first met.

She moved into him. It was the baby they needed to discuss but she didn't want to anger him again. Her reply was muffled, blurred by emotion. ‘Anywhere. It doesn't matter. Just so long as we're together.' Thea clung to him. ‘I didn't mean to get pregnant, darling.'

He eased her away. ‘Can we talk about this later?' Billy needed time to think.

‘Do you promise?'

Looking down at her tear-stained face, the only emotion Billy felt was panic. ‘I promise.'

After she'd left he slumped behind the desk and rubbed a hand across his face. The constriction he'd been feeling was nothing compared to this. A bloody kid! Marriage was already like standing on a chair with a noose around his neck. Now the chair
had been kicked from under him. He was trapped. Marrying Thea was the biggest mistake he'd ever made. Not only did he not love her, now he didn't even like her. The blame, Billy was forced to admit, was not hers. But he blamed her for falling pregnant, that was entirely her fault. So let her suffer the consequences. A bloody kid! Billy wanted no part of it. But what could he do? It seemed he only had two choices. Sacrifice his life for a job or his job for a life. Either way, it was a bitch of a choice.