It's Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens: Enjoying the Fruits of Middle Age (12 page)

7. When adding liver pâté to any dish, less is always better.

8. Limburger cheese will never hear the words, ‘‘Hmmm . . . what smells so good in the kitchen?’’

9. Your shirt is not a potholder. (A lesson learned the hard way by Martha’s sister.)

10. And finally, always remember to make meals small enough to finish, big enough to share.

I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port . . . we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it— but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

¹
If you’re at a potluck and you’d really like to try it, though, simply watch carefully who brought it and see if their children partake.

Balance Keeps the Fridge Shelves
From Collapsing

Don’t dig your grave with your own knife and fork.
English Proverb

A few years ago,
Men’s Fitness
magazine accused the city of Houston of having a weight problem, naming it ‘‘America’s Fattest City.’’ A local bike club decided they weren’t going to take this sitting down eating Twinkies, so they came up with the idea of holding a forty-mile bike rally through the city’s downtown streets. Trouble was, registrations were slow in coming. So organizers settled on a solution: They offered participants free beer and tacos at the end of the race. We kid you not.

Now, those of you who have ever seen a picture of us might be thinking to yourselves: Yes, America has an obesity problem and it’s widening, but what do you know about it? Your pictures look like you live on celery and rice cakes, and a few locusts.
1

First of all, for the record, we’re not really all that thin. At least, not as thin as we used to be.
2
Secondly, if you consider us on the thin side, it’s not because we’re dieting. Frankly, we’re suspicious of any word that begins with
die
. We are also suspicious of anyone who has something against carbohydrates. Some of our best friends are carbohydrates. The main problem we’ve found with dieting is that people on a diet often lose their sense of humor. And you know how we feel about a sense of humor. There is no swimsuit in the world that is worth losing laughter just to wear it on the beach for a few hours.
3

With this in mind, we have decided to offer you some tips from the Phil and Martha School of Eating.

1. The vitality of vegetables.
We both love pumpkin pie, carrot cake, zucchini bread, and popped corn. Vanilla is technically a vegetable and should be watered down with ice cream. Chocolate comes from trees, which, if you know much about agriculture, makes it a fruit. Fruit is good for you. Chocolate-dipped strawberries are a must for any diet. M&Ms contain vitamins A, C, and E. You can check the package. Those of you who prefer real vegetables should realize that they aren’t always healthy. Have you ever choked on a piece of broccoli? Do you realize you could have died that moment if someone hadn’t brought you that brownie to push it on down with? We say let the veggies tell their tales, but if they must be on our plates, disguise them as something else.

2. Selective studies.
Be careful which studies you depend on for information. There is much contradictory information available today, and it’s difficult to know who’s telling us the truth. Which news report would you believe? The one informing us that dark chocolate contains antioxidants that can decrease blood pressure, improve circulation, stimulate our kidneys, lower our death risk from heart disease, and cause warm fuzzy feelings? Or the one that said chocolate causes depression in mice? The first one, of course. If the mice are depressed, they’re probably watching too much TV. And they need to balance their dark-chocolate diet out with a little nougat.

We should also note that the study claiming that rhubarb sandwiches are the leading source of calcium is clearly false. Rhubarb is poison, except in a pie. Everyone knows that.
4
The one about coffee causing irritability is also sheer baloney and completely fabricated! We’d really like to know who thought it up!

When’s the last time you saw a grouch at a Starbucks? If coffee can make the people there smile while they’re paying those prices, it can’t possibly cause irritability! We have also been so horrified by what we read about the effects of eating junk food that we almost gave up reading altogether.

3. The benefits of balance.
Balance is what is needed when it comes to eating, and our idea of a balanced diet is a plate in each hand at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Few areas of our lives can be more out of balance than the way we eat. Check any bestseller list and you’ll find cookbooks there. Check that same list and you’ll find dieting books. Imagine the irony. People buying books that instruct them how not to eat what they’ve just learned to cook.

When Jesus taught us to pray, he asked his Father for ‘‘our daily bread’’ (Luke 11:3). He did not say, ‘‘Give us this day our daily six meals complete with four courses and eight dessert choices.’’

When we were kids, our mothers would chide us for not cleaning our plates. ‘‘There are children in Africa that would give anything to be able to eat that food,’’ they’d say, poking us with a fork, and we in our immaturity would think,
So mail it to them
.

But once you’ve seen those African children, you’ll find it hard to eat even a broken cookie without thanking God for the privilege.

Remember Jimmy Stewart’s prayer in the movie
Shenandoah
? ‘‘Lord, we cleared this land, we plowed it, sowed it, and harvested it. We cooked the harvest. We worked dog hard for every crumb and morsel, but we thank you just the same anyway, Lord, for this food we’re about to eat. Amen.’’ We love Jimmy and we smile at such a prayer, but we think his character could have been a little more grateful.

Psalm 104:21 says, ‘‘The lions roar for their prey and seek their food from God.’’ We would do well to remember that the earth’s bounty and the grocery store’s abundance are impossible without the Creator’s gift of life. We are all dependent on God’s grace and provision. One of his greatest biblical acts of grace is the feeding of the Israelites during their long trek from Egyptian slavery to the Promised Land. Manna appeared daily and could not be stored, reminding God’s children of their daily dependence on him. We are dependent on God for our daily needs. And we should be thankful every time he meets them.

If taking vitamins doesn’t keep you healthy enough,
try more laughter.
Nicolas-Sebastien Chamfort

¹
The locusts are true, but only on Sundays.

²
It’s amazing what they can do with digital photography.

³
Our swimsuits often cause laughter.

⁴
Rhubarb farmers of the world: Don’t mail that letter, we were just kidding.

In-Flight Misery

If I had to choose, I would rather have birds than airplanes.
Charles Lindbergh

I have found out there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you
like people or hate them than to travel with them.
Mark Twain

If you’ve flown anywhere lately, you know what a challenge air travel has become. If you’re running late getting to the airport, double that frustration. In most major cities, they advise you to get to the airport at least two hours in advance of your flight departure. We believe Los Angeles recommends two weeks. If your business requires you to do a lot of traveling, as does ours (it keeps us ahead of audiences wanting their money back), you know all too well that in many cases, once you board the plane, your troubles have just begun. But since this is a book about recapturing joy, we won’t spend a lot of time on the negatives of air travel. Comedian after comedian has already amply tackled this topic.

Instead, what we want to do is provide you with a list of Ten New Ways to Look at Air Travel. Drawing from the truth that life is 3 percent what happens to you and 97 precent what you do with it, we are convinced that your air travel experiences will change if you can change how you look at them. You’ve got to open your mind and realize that maybe the airlines aren’t out to make your life miserable just for the fun of it. That’s part of it, certainly, but there may be plenty of other underlying reasons why they do what they do. Our inconvenience is a small price to pay for the rewards we will reap from looking at our next flight in the following new ways.

Ten New Ways to Look at Air Travel

1. Moving sidewalks.

Have you ever been walking on an airport moving sidewalk and found yourself wondering if you were moving all that much faster than the guy with the broken leg, pulling his Samsonite behind him, while balancing a latte with his teeth? Then, when he actually pulled ahead of you, did you start asking yourself why you even got on the moving sidewalk in the first place, but now you’re trapped and can’t do a thing about it?

The problem isn’t the sidewalk, it’s your focus. Instead of getting upset at the airlines for tricking you into stepping onto the moving sidewalk that doesn’t seem to move you any faster than the slowest passenger strolling along beside you, look at it from the airline’s point of view. Those moving sidewalks aren’t there to get you to your gate faster than those who don’t use it. They’re simply to provide entertainment for the passengers who are stuck sitting at the gates waiting for their boarding calls. What else have they got to look at? Some rerun of a news item two weeks old? The man sitting across from them eating a boiled egg? The kids fighting with each other in the seats next to them? Let’s face it, the entertainment at airports is very limited. So instead of complaining, start entertaining. Place your luggage down on the conveyor belt so that your hands will be free to wave at others as you pass by. Think of yourself as being on a parade float. Wave, sing, dance, do whatever you feel is appropriate. You might even want to juggle a few of those three-dollar airport candy bars in the air. In other words, enjoy the moment. And the opportunity to be discovered.
American Idol
and
Nashville Star
may reach millions, but who knows who might see you at an international airport. Music producers, movie directors, and even scouts for the Ringling Bros. circus all have to travel. They’re walking airport terminals every day. So do your thing and who knows, you just might have a new career awaiting you. And one day you’ll be able to say, ‘‘It all started in front of gate C-19!’’

2. Airplane seats that don’t really recline but have a button making you think they do.

The real reason for the uncomfortable seating on airplanes is obvious; you just have to look for it. Some think it’s to sell all those neck rests and aspirin in the airport gift shop. Or to give chiropractors the much-needed business. But the real reason is to help you with your posture. So the next time the stewardess is playing that fun little game at landing, selecting people at random to tell them to bring their seat to the full upright position, play along and hit the button, even though you know it doesn’t work. Your seat won’t move, of course, but remember what the airlines know: Good posture is important. Uncomfortable, but important. Your back will thank you.

3. Airline blankets.

Yes, they are rough and can cut you to shreds in minutes if you move around too much beneath them. But these airline blankets are scratchy for a perfectly legitimate reason. While you may simply be cold and not have any rashes whatsoever, for those travelers who do, those blankets are actually a service that the airlines provide. Nothing scratches an itch like an airline blanket.

4. Individual air-conditioning controls.

We think it’s cute how the airlines have led us to believe that we are actually controlling the cool-air flow to our individual seats. But if you’ve ever flown in the winter, you know that the cold air doesn’t stop blowing on you no matter how tightly you close your vent. Icicles will form on your beverage cup, and you’ll be begging the stewardess for a blanket, rash or not. But the airlines even have a good reason for this. The reason they make us think we can control the air flow above us is part of their fitness plan. They are helping all of us flabby-armed passengers work out those underarm muscles. On a three-hour flight, the typical passenger will do at least thirty of these arm lifts.