Isle of Sensuality (20 page)

Chapter 14

Guilt was a horrible feeling. It was worse than the sexual frustration which had been a part of him since he left Brazil. Worse than anger or fury or even grief. Jake didn’t care for it at all. He arrived back from his run earlier than usual, realizing he had a hell of a groveling apology to make. Caitlyn hadn’t deserved his anger, and she certainly hadn’t deserved the things he’d said to her.

He needed to make things right. After all, she was the mother of his child and he did care about her; far too much for his own good. This morning he’d realized that she was right. He was scared. Terrified, actually. And it wasn’t of losing his freedom or being shouldered with the responsibility of running the company.

Jake was terrified that he wouldn’t be able to save it. That the company would fail, and it would be his fault. But his brothers needed his help and it wouldn’t be so hard this time around, not with Tom and Sam working with him. So he’d made a decision, he was going to quit acting and concentrate on Campbell Engineers Supplies.

Acting had been his escape, his way of running away from a life he was too messed up to face. The thought of running the company again made nerves turn over in his stomach, but he knew that with Caitlyn at his side, he’d get through it.

Jake opened the door and let himself in. There was no sound to suggest that she was awake yet, so he headed through to the kitchen for a bottle of water. He ran over the apology he’d memorized, and realized that it was lacking something. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was missing though.

There was a folded sheet of paper pinned to the chrome fridge. He pulled it off and flipped it open. His heart sank as he began reading the words. Caitlyn was gone. She’d upped and left while he was out, without saying a bloody word. By the time he’d finished reading his hands trembled and his vision blurred.

Jake flopped into the chair at the table. Despair crushed down on him from every direction. He wanted to be mad at Caitlyn for running away. He wanted to feel something other than what he did.

The doorbell rang, but he ignored it and re-read the letter. On closer inspection, he noted a tear stain in the bottom corner. His heart gave a painful squeeze. Caitlyn hadn’t left because it was what she wanted. She’d
cried
. She’d been upset to go. So then why did she leave?

Were pregnancy hormones kicking in already, or did she feel more for him than he thought? Did she love him? His battered heart soared at the prospect of Caitlyn loving him, and for the first time since he’d met her, he allowed it. A warm rush of powerful emotion filled his body and hit him hard in the gut. He closed his eyes and savored the feeling.

It didn’t last. Not when he remembered how he’d spoken to her. Then, further back, when he’d told her she shouldn’t settle for anything less than someone who loved her. He’d also told her he couldn’t be that man, that he couldn’t care for her the way she deserved to be cared for.

But that was a crock of shit and Jake knew it. Fear he would lose her like he lost everything once had kept him from admitting the truth, both to her and to himself. He did love her, more than he knew it was possible to love another person.

The time for being a coward was over. Jake rose from the chair, determination filled him with purpose. He was going to help his brothers and be the man Caitlyn needed him to be, the man he should have been for all these years instead of running away because he was too scared to fail.

Then he was going to win back the woman he loved.

* * * *

“Take a seat, Miss Hart. The doctor will be with you shortly.”

Caitlyn forced a polite smile onto her face and thanked the nurse. She joined Amanda on the cushioned chairs opposite the reception desk of the private clinic. Today was the day of her first scan and although the morning sickness had passed, she’d felt nauseous since the moment she awoke. The weird Japanese plants placed strategically around the room in a way Caitlyn assumed was meant to be good Feng Shui wasn’t helping to calm her one bit.

“How are you feeling?” Amanda asked, taking Caitlyn’s freezing cold hand in hers.

Caitlyn didn’t want to lie, but ever since she’d come back to LA a fortnight ago, she’d been unable to hide the gnawing despair she felt. “Okay.”

Although the truth was that today the emptiness inside her seemed to take up more space. Jake should be here with her, holding her hand and doing whatever it was expectant parents were supposed to do. She hadn’t heard from him since she left London, even though she’d texted him last week with the details of the first scan.

She probably deserved to be doing this alone. After all, she’d run away from him, too chicken to face the argument that was sure to come. She’d told herself it was because the stress would be bad for the baby. Truth was, Caitlyn was scared that she’d break down in tears or worse, show him that she was in love with him.

“We’ll get through this, Caitlyn. I’m here for you. I’m not a kid anymore, and it’s time I stopped relying on you.”

Caitlyn believed her sister. All week Amanda had been her rock, and she honestly didn’t know what she’d do without her. “I know you will be.” Tears stung her eyes and she blinked rapidly to stop them from falling.

“Miss Hart, the doctor will see you now.” The receptionist indicated to a door at the other end of the room and Caitlyn’s stomach dropped to the soles of her feet. This was the first time she’d get to see her baby and the man who helped create the tiny miracle wouldn’t be there to see it.

Amanda rose and tugged Caitlyn’s stiff body up from the chair. Her sister shot her a worried glance when her feet didn’t move her toward the door. Even now, when it was clear he wasn’t coming, Caitlyn still harbored hope. It seemed every time she dared to dream it all came crashing down. Shaking her head, she followed Amanda across the hardwood floor toward the room.

The sound of the door to the clinic opening made Caitlyn’s heart skip a beat. That bloody hope was back, squeezing her tummy into a tight ball of anticipation. She turned her head to the sound and froze with her eyes wide open. Jake stood in the entryway, his usual casual demeanor gone. He was dressed in a suit and wore a strained expression. Caitlyn’s stomach flipped.

“Did I miss it?” Jake cursed and raked a shaky hand through his hair. Caitlyn noticed with a start he’d had it cut short. It made the sculpted angles of his face more pronounced. More beautiful.

“No, I’m just going in.” She turned to Amanda and hoped her expression was appropriately apologetic.

Amanda beamed at her. “It’s fine, you two go ahead. I’ll pick Kale up from daycare. I’m sure you have a lot to talk about.” Amanda threw Caitlyn a pointed look, and she felt a blush heat her cheeks.

Amanda had called her all kinds of an idiot when she’d confessed to running away without giving Jake a chance to explain. Caitlyn hadn’t needed the condemnation. It was something she already knew.

Amanda left her and Jake alone in the reception area. She could hardly bear to look at him. He looked so different from the Jake she knew; too formal and serious. What was worse, she’d barely slept all week and had dark rings around her eyes a panda would be proud of. “We should go in, the doctor is waiting.”

Jake nodded and followed her in to the room. They sat across the table while Dr. Jennings explained how the ultrasound worked. Caitlyn didn’t hear very much of what was said. Her blood hummed through her veins at Jake’s proximity, and for the first time in a week she was warm again. Alive. But it was an illusion. Jake was only there to see his child, not her. That realization cut deep into her heart.

Mechanically, Caitlyn got up on the exam table and obeyed when Dr. Jennings asked her to lift up her shirt. The woman spread a cold gel on Caitlyn’s stomach, followed by the scanner. She watched the screen as the green and black picture of her uterus appeared.

“Here we are.” Dr. Jennings pointed to a small blob on the screen. “That’s your baby there. Congratulations.”

Caitlyn’s mouth dropped open as she stared up at the monitor and the emptiness inside her filled to the brim with a rush of emotion so powerful it would have knocked her off her feet if she’d been standing. Tears pricked her eyes, but she didn’t try to disperse of them this time.

That little blob was her baby. She couldn’t believe it, but rightness washed through her. Along with love. Whatever happened now between her and Jake, Caitlyn knew she’d go on, she’d get better and she’d survive. All because she needed to be there for the life she’d helped to create.

Dr. Jennings excused herself from the room and Caitlyn turned back to Jake. His eyes were wide and full of wonder as he stared at the screen. God, he took her breath away. He focused on her face, as if feeling her gaze, and then smiled the most joyous smile she’d ever seen. Caitlyn didn’t even bother trying to hide the love shining out from her.

* * * *

As he gazed into Caitlyn’s shiny wide eyes, Jake’s heart felt like it would burst with love. He couldn’t believe he’d been lying to himself for so long; couldn’t believe that he thought his heart was too scarred to
feel
again.

He snatched Caitlyn’s trembling hands and held them in his. “We’re going to be parents, Caitlyn.”

Bursting with love, he leaned forward and planted a joyful kiss on her lips. For a moment, she stiffened, but then her mouth opened and she welcomed him in. Jake’s shoulders relaxed and arousal joined the knee-melting emotions playing havoc inside.

After a second, he pulled away, breathless. There was something he needed to say. “You were right. About everything. I was scared to fail, but I’m not anymore.” Jake cupped the smooth skin of Caitlyn’s cheek. She seemed frozen, delicate. Breakable. His heart squeezed painfully in his chest. “I’m back running the company with my brothers. I’d have been here sooner, if not for that.”

Caitlyn’s lips curved, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. She looked lost, sad even, although he had seen her light up with joy when she’d looked at their child on the monitor. “That’s great, Jake. I’m glad you’re helping your brothers.”

“And I’m sorry. I should never have said those things to you. I know you would never try to control me. Sarah did, and in anger I lashed out. I felt awful the next day and was coming home to apologize when I found your note.”

“It’s okay. I promise. I just…I had to get away.”

Caitlyn pulled her hands from his. Unease darted up his spine and he wanted to pull her hands back. It wasn’t okay. He could see it in the way she was twisting away from him to right herself on the table. It felt like she was closing him out.

Was he wrong to think that she loved him?

“Talk to me, Caitlyn,” he pleaded once she’d wiped off the jelly and pulled down her shirt.

She turned to him, her eyes shuttered and her expression blank. He wanted to grab her by the hips, pull her against him and kiss her until the fiery, passionate woman was back. Where had she gone?

Dr. Jennings came back into the room. Caitlyn smiled at the doctor then turned back to him. “Not here.”

Reluctantly, Jake nodded. He could keep it together until they were somewhere private.

* * * *

Even when they arrived back at Caitlyn’s apartment, she tried to put off the inevitable. While she busied herself by picking up Kale’s toy cars, her mind was on the manila envelope on the kitchen counter which she’d received from her lawyer. It had a draft agreement for access of their baby which she should give to Jake, but she hadn’t found the courage to do it yet.

Jake perched on the arm of the sofa, looking better than any man had a right to. Just now, he looked nothing like the easygoing Jake she’d fallen in love with on the island. He was more like a man on a mission, but she had no idea what that mission was.

“Why did you leave?” he asked.

Caitlyn dropped a bundle of toys into the storage box in the corner and turned back to him. How could she tell him the truth when she knew he’d never return her love? “I couldn’t stay in London.” That was part of the truth.

Jake stood and crossed the space between them in three short steps. Heat radiated off him and Caitlyn knew that if she gave into her desires and swayed into him, the warmth would wrap around her too. God, how she wanted it.

His hand tilted her chin up and penetrating chocolate eyes bore into her. “I’m sorry I said those things to you. It wasn’t fair.”

A lump rose in her throat. He felt guilty. She could see it in his eyes. Caitlyn couldn’t let him go on believing it was his fault. After all, given the choice she would never go to London. She certainly couldn’t stay there for any length of time. Even though she’d kept to herself for years, Caitlyn decided telling him the real story about her father would make him understand. It would be easier than telling him she loved him.

“I didn’t leave because of what you said.” Caitlyn broke away from his hold and walked over to the window. Their apartment was on the third floor and faced the Hollywood Hills. Both she and Amanda had bought it with their inheritance and some of the money Caitlyn had saved working on
Days and Nights
. It was hard to remember ever living another way.

The heat of Jake’s body encased her from behind and his arms slid around her waist. “Then why did you leave?”

Caitlyn took a deep breath. “Because I was scared.”

Jake’s hands cupped the tiny mound of her stomach and she felt her eyes water. She realized that if he loved her, this was what it would always be like.

“I was too.” Jake turned her to face him. One of his hands rose to cup her jaw. “Terrified actually. When I said goodbye to you at the airport in Rio, I thought the scars covering my heart were too thick to penetrate. Thought I’d never be able to love anyone again, but the truth was, I was far too scared to go through what I did with Sarah again.” Jake kissed the tip of her nose. “The truth is, Caitlyn Hart, that I’ve loved you for months. You persuaded me to help my brothers with Bill, then convinced me to go back to the company. You made me realize I can love, with more force than I ever thought possible. The best thing of all, you are giving me another chance to be a dad.”