Ishmael and the Hoops of Steel (8 page)

‘Let us all now join hands and together offer up a silent prayer of support for Ms Heckenvaal in hope that it might sustain her in this time of great sorrow and in the torturous and trying months that must surely lie ahead.'

‘Amen,' Bill and Ignatius and I answered together.

‘What?' Razz asked again looking around bewildered. ‘No, guys, seriously,
what
?'

A couple of weeks later we'd won our first debate of the year against Concordia High School and the filming of what became known as Bill and Razz's
Excellent Sun Safe Adventure
had been completed. I caught up with Razz before school on a Monday morning to hear about how the weekend's shoot had gone.

‘Not bad. Got it all done, anyway. Haven't had a chance to go through any of it yet. I've got a computer booked in the media room after school. I'm checking it out then. Bill did the filming and I'm doing the editing.'

‘Did Sally end up being OK with it?'

‘Yeah. And we filmed it at her place so we could use the pool as a backdrop. Her friend Jess came along too. Remember her from Sal's party last year?'

‘Yeah, sure.'

How could I forget? An image of Jess in a certain yellow bikini had been permanently seared into my retinas.

‘And let me guess, Razz; did you just happen to cast Jess in the role of Britney “Ooooooo! Why don't I just slip off my bikini top” Parker?'

‘Yeah, well,' Razz said, looking glum, ‘The girls sort of made us cut that bit out. Reckoned their characters sounded like a couple of “randy airheads” or something. Unbelievable. Then
they wanted that whole scene rewritten. Wouldn't let me touch it. They made Bilbo do it.'

‘Actors can be highly strung,' I told him.

‘You're not wrong there,' Razz said with a roll of his eyes. ‘Anyway, Billy Boy got stuck in and totally changed it. Took out all the best bits, I reckon. But at least the girls liked it. Sally went on about him being a “new age man”. Puuuu-leeeeease! Hoop Boy a new age man? Are we even sure he comes from this
planet
? Anyway, at least it's all in the can, as we film dudes say. Now it's up to me to get it edited and finished by next week.'

Razz looked a bit daunted by that thought, so following a brief Amnesty meeting with Mr Guthrie after school, I wandered over to the media room to see how he was going. I found him alone in one of the cubicles with a video camera hooked up to a computer.

‘Where's Bill? I thought he was going to stay back with you.'

‘Had to head off. His mum rang. An emergency in Hoopville apparently. Some appointment he'd forgotten about.'

‘So how's it looking?' I asked, nodding at the computer where an image of Sally's backyard and pool was frozen on the screen.

‘Yeah, not bad so far. I'm doing a quick run-through first up to pick the best takes. Hey, you want to hang around? Got some scenes coming up pretty soon with Jess
almost
wearing a bikini.'

Then Razz threw back his head and slapped the desk.

‘Aw no, wait, I forgot. You're not really into that kind of thing. Might be like Cindy, eh? A bit “too much” for you, right, dude?'

I shot him a pained smile. ‘Shove over.'

I wedged a chair in beside Razz and he hit
Play.
After only about ten minutes of viewing, four things became crystal clear to me.

The first was that Bill and his rewrite of the script had
performed a complete brain and personality transplant on Britney and Amber. They actually seemed like real people. The second was that Sally and Jess could really act. The third was that Razz and Bill really couldn't. The fourth was that no matter what the quality of the finished product, Jess in a bikini was worth the price of admission alone.

It took about half an hour to get through all the takes. Then after a final scene featuring Sally and Jess, Razz jumped in front of the camera and yelled, ‘Cut. That's a wrap, people!' This was followed by a bit of general cheering and whooping and Sally saying, ‘Let's eat! Just put all your stuff in my room.'

On the screen the image began to tilt and shake like an earth tremor had just hit and there were flashes of Bill's chubby hands as they worked to unscrew the camera from the tripod. Beside me Razz was shaking his head.

‘No way, not again. Geez, how many times did we have to remind him? Turn it off first, Bilbo!'

Back on screen there was a wild blur of colours and lights, then flashes and streaks of the pool, of the sky, of Sally, Razz and Jess and finally jerky, bouncy images of Bill's joggers heading down a path towards the house. Razz began shouting at the computer.

‘Shire to Bilbo! Shire to Bilbo! This is Star Fleet Command. Do you read me? Turn off the camera! I repeat.
TURN-OFF-THE-CAMERA!'

Strangely enough, Bill didn't respond to Razz's pleas and the jerky images continued until the screen plunged into darkness as he entered the house. When the camera finally adjusted to the lower light, there was a bit more of the blurry, category-five cyclone-type stuff and then everything stopped. Slowly the edge of a quilt, some walls, a desk, a chair, a mirror and a few posters crawled into focus.

‘Hey, that's Sal's room. He's just dumped the camera on her bed. Wait! Hoop Boy! Look at the little green light! It's right in front of you! It means the camera is still on! Open your
eyes. It's right there on top! You couldn't
possibly
miss it, unless you're the biggest …'

Suddenly Bill's backside appeared in close-up on the screen.

‘Wooooooo! Notify NASA! I think we've discovered a new planet!'

Bill moved further away across the room. He stood in front of Sally's desk. He was looking at a big poster on her wall of a soccer player striking a ball.

‘Liverpool!' Razz said in disgust. ‘Where's the AC Milan one I got her? Didn't know Bilbo was that into soccer.'

Bill stayed in front of the poster for a few seconds then turned and left. All that remained was the empty room. It looked like a really boring screen saver. Beside me Razz broke into raucous applause.

‘Bravo! Bravo! Well done, Bilbo! Stupendous! A masterpiece! Never before have I seen such inspired cinematography. A tour of force. The movement! The angles! The colours! The light and shade! The drama! I felt like I was
right
there! And now
this.
The piece of resistance. Never in the history of filmmaking has a
room
been captured with such … honesty … such sensitivity … such passion … such
truth.
I'm lost for words. It's just so … so … room-like!'

Razz and I were killing ourselves laughing.

‘How could he not see the
On
light?' Razz shouted at the heavens. ‘Is he blind?'

Just then some movement on the screen caught our eyes. Someone else had come into Sal's room. It was Razz. He was carrying a sports bag. He walked over and stood directly in front of the camera then tossed the bag on the bed. The image on the screen bounced around for a bit before settling. Then Razz checked himself out in the mirror on Sally's dressing table, and left.

‘Yeah, well, that
On
light is pretty small, you know, and …'

Back on screen, Jess had now entered the room. She was still in her bikini with a towel wrapped around her waist. She
was shoving some things into a carry bag. Razz leant forward.

‘That's right. Jess couldn't stay for lunch. I passed her in the corridor. Had to run off straightaway. Hardly said goodbye. Going to the pictures or something with her boyfriend
Brad.
Apparently they …'

Razz stopped talking, because Jess had moved to the centre of the room and was standing there brushing her long blonde hair. The automatic focus blurred slightly then locked in on her. She filled up the screen. The camera didn't just love her, it totally had the hots for her. She bent forward, brushed all her hair down over her face, then flicked it back as she stood up. Razz groaned. I knew exactly what he meant. Jess certainly made a bikini top earn its keep. It was the first time I'd ever felt jealous of fabric.

‘Ishmael, my friend, that's what we Film and Television nerds call your classic medium shot. You see how it gets in most of the body from about the …'

Jess had taken off her towel and flung it on to the bed. Now she was reaching with both hands behind her back and biting her bottom lip with the effort. There was no mistaking her intention.

Jess Hambleton was about to unclip her bikini top.

Razz's nose was almost touching the computer screen when Jess's image froze. Immediately he began swearing, shaking the computer and frantically checking the connections. He only stopped when he spotted my finger on the
Pause
button.

‘Are you crazy? What are you
doing
, man?'

‘Razz, maybe we need to think about this a bit first.'

Razza's eyes drilled into me for a moment and then began to wander around the room.

‘Yeah. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Good one, Ishmael!' he said before jumping up from his chair, shutting the door to the editing room, drawing the curtains closed on the window beside us and rotating the computer screen so that it couldn't be seen from the main teaching area. ‘Wouldn't want to be interrupted, would we? OK, push the button, dude!'

My finger stayed where it was.

‘What're you waiting for?' Razz said, twisting his head around. ‘Did I miss something?'

‘Razz, I don't think we can watch this.'

‘Sure we can. Look, it's easy. Give it here, I'll show you. You just push Play.'

Razz reached over for the camera but I moved it away.

‘I know we
can
watch it. What I mean is we
shouldn't.
It's not right. It's … wrong.'

‘Wrong? We've got Jess Hambleton about to take off her clothes. We've got
Pause
,
Rewind
and even
Slow Mo.
Man, this is so right, it's not funny. It's like we've won first prize in the chick-perving lotto! The only thing wrong, man, is you if you don't push that button!'

‘So you'd be happy to sit there and gawk at Jess while she gets undressed?'

‘What, is that like a trick question or something, dude? No? OK then. Lock in (a)
Hell, Yeah!
'

‘I don't believe it. What, are you a peeping Tom or something now?'

‘Peeping Tom? What are you on about? This isn't like
that.
I'm not creeping around in the dark like some scumbag trying to spy on Jess. I didn't
plan
this. It's just a lucky accident, man. The best and luckiest accident ever.'

‘That's garbage, Razz. It's just wrong and you know it.'

‘Well, what are you, my conscience? Anyway, what's so wrong about it? It's not gonna hurt anyone. Jess'll never know and it certainly ain't gonna hurt me. So how about you just push the button.'

‘No. It's wrong.'

Razz threw up his hands and slumped down in his chair with his head resting on the back, gazing up at the ceiling.

‘
Why
is it wrong? Why? Tell me that. Go on … educate me. Better yet, you're a debater. Convince me. Go on. Let's just say the topic is:
That watching Jess get naked is wrong
and you're arguing for the Affirmative. Go on, give me the outline of your case.'

‘This is stupid.'

‘What's the problem, Ishmael? You keep going on about how wrong it is. Haven't you got anything to back it up?'

Razz smirked at me and twiddled his fingers on his stomach as he waited.

‘All right. You want my case? Is that it? Well, here it is.
First
of all, watching that video is a gross invasion of privacy, and
personal privacy is one of the most basic and essential rights human beings have.
Secondly.
Just because it's accidental and you didn't plan it doesn't make it right. That would be like saying if you came across an open bank vault it would be OK to take the money because
you
weren't the one who unlocked it.
Thirdly.
You reckon it's OK to watch the video because Jess wouldn't know about it. Well, if it's OK for you and me to watch it then I guess you'd have no problem with someone like Danny Wallace or Bagsley watching it if they were the ones who
accidentally
found it. And what about if it was someone else in the video? Someone like …
Sally
? You'd be OK with that too, would you?
Fourthly.
Even if Jess never finds out about it, it's still wrong, because you
know
if she had a
choice
she wouldn't want people to watch her undress, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered going into Sally's room in the first place to get some
privacy.
And if you're doing something that you
know
would hurt or embarrass someone, then that
must
be wrong. And
finally
, it's even
worse
when the person you are doing the
wrong
thing to is a
friend.
A friend who's only
on
the stupid video in the first place because she's helping
you
out with your Film and Television assignment. You're not supposed to take advantage of your friends, Razz. And you know why? Because it's
WRONG!'

All the time I'd been speaking Razz had been sitting there studying the ceiling. Now he turned his head lazily to the side and frowned at me.

‘
That's
it?
That's
your case? That's all you got?'

‘What! Well, what have
you
got, then? Go on, let's see how you'd go. Give me the Negative case.'

‘All right, I will.'