Is This What I Want? (6 page)

I WONDERED WHAT ELSE
she wasn’t telling me. But I had to wait until after the kids were asleep to ask.

“So how did your first class go?”

I knew I wasn’t doing the best job of hiding the tension. Maybe the fact that I kept rubbing the back of my neck gave it away. Good thing Sam was listening so she had to pretend she didn’t notice.

“It was good, really good. Great students. Should be an easy semester if Thursday’s class is the same.”

There was something weird about the way she said it, like she was trying to convince herself it was true.
You have to stop being so suspicious
, I thought.

After Sam and Jack finally went to sleep, I reviewed the way I had planned to broach the subject, while I brushed my teeth and flossed. She was in bed reading another one of her cheesy romance novels.

Not wanting to make the issue bigger than it needed to be, I started by scratching her arm. She looked at me, tilting her head.

“Would you do my back a little?”

I nodded and she lifted off the black and purple striped tank top she was wearing. I knew her only intention was to make her back more accessible to me because she loved having it scratched. But just the sight of her full sexy breasts for a split second before she turned over was enough to stiffen things up down below.

After a few minutes, the timing seemed right.

“I know you must be tired but I need to ask you about something.”

Now she was the one who tensed up. Turning around to face me, she pulled the covers up over her chest. I could still see her cleavage and again, felt a hardening.

She waited and I said it exactly the way I had planned.

“Everything’s good with us. I don’t want to start anything. But we can’t hide things from each other.”

Her facial expression confused me. She looked caught. I figured she must have known what I was about to ask somehow. I didn’t want her to think I was angry.

“It’s not a big deal,” I said. “I just want to know why you didn’t tell me.”

It looked like she might start to cry. I couldn’t understand why she was so upset.

“Beth?”

She sat straight up and put her tank top back on. But she was so distraught she didn’t even notice that it was all bunched up at the bottom so most of her stomach and the underside of one breast were still exposed.

She looked into my eyes and I saw tears welling up. I was so confused. I had to wonder if I would ever understand this woman.

“I’ll make him drop the class. I’ll figure out a way to get him to drop it. He has to. He can’t do this.”

I felt my eyebrows scrunch up and my mouth open a little. I struggled to compose myself.

“He? Do you mean…?”

“Isn’t that what you were talking about? How the hell did you know?” she asked.

“Are you saying Dave’s in your fucking class?”

Now her mouth fell open. She hadn’t known what I meant to ask about. This was why she was acting strange earlier. Rage surged through my veins.

“That little shit. I’ll kill him. Who does he think he is? I’ll get that fucker out of your class.”

The tears spilled out of her eyes and down her cheeks as she shook her head back and forth.

“Please, Rick, you have to let me handle this. There’s nothing you can do. I’ll talk to him. I’ll explain how hard we’re working. He’ll understand.”

I couldn’t think straight. There were so many times I wanted to go confront that kid. So many times I fantasized about how good it would feel to punch him right in his pretty little face. But I couldn’t take my anger out on Beth. I had to calm down. She didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t know the son of a bitch would be in her class.

I sucked in a deep breath and exhaled hard and loud. Then I nodded and raised my eyebrows.

“Okay. Fine. You take care of it. You talk to him. But if he doesn’t drop that class, he’ll get a visit from me.”

She knew I meant it. I found his address back when I discovered all their messages to each other.

She was so upset, I pulled her into my arms and smoothed her hair while she cried.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to see him again, I swear.”

“I know, I know, it’s okay,” I whispered into her ear.

I reached one arm out to grab a tissue for her and as I wiped the wet spots on her cheeks, I couldn’t help but think about how beautiful she was. Even with red eyes and no makeup, her curly hair all tousled, she was perfect to me. In my peripheral vision I saw the still bunched up tank top revealing her stomach. The fact that she was so oblivious to some things had grown on me over the years. It used to drive me crazy that she didn’t pay attention to details the way I did. But she was my Beth, smart, intense, funny, wild, and unpredictable, and I loved her and wanted her more than ever, flaws and all.

I placed a soft kiss on her lips. It always turned me on when she was crying and vulnerable.

“Rick,” she said, and with that one word I knew what she meant.
I’m not in the mood. I’m so emotional. How can you think of that at a time like this?
But hell, I’m a man, what does she expect?

I tried again, this time kissing her neck and the top of her chest a little. She blew her nose and laughed.

“Look at me,” she said, wiping little bits of tissue fuzz off the tip of her nose with her index finger. “How could you possibly be interested when I look like this?”

“You always look good to me.” I slid my hand into her top, inviting her nipple to wake up.

She pushed my hand away and I pouted.

“Okay, okay,” she said. “It would probably make me feel better too, but we need to finish talking first.”

“Fine. We’ll finish talking first,” I said as I readjusted my uncomfortable erection.

“You were going to ask me about something else. You didn’t know about Dave. You couldn’t have known. I just assumed that’s what it was.”

“Oh, yeah, um…” Somehow I completely forgot how I was supposed to say it.

“Well, tonight, when I was having dinner with the kids, Sam told me about how you all went swimming over at his friend Henry’s house a couple of weeks ago.”

She understood right away and nodded slowly, looking up and away from me. I waited.

“I was going to tell you. I was trying to figure out how and when. You know?”

“But it was two weeks ago. I’m not accusing you of anything. And I’m not mad. It’s just… we can’t have secrets because I get all suspicious and scary thoughts run through my head.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Rick. I should have told you right away.”

I felt bad for making her feel bad.

“It’s okay, I figured you just went because the kids wanted to go and you couldn’t avoid it, but in our sessions with Carly, we all agreed it’s not good for you to be friends with her.”

“I know. I know. I didn’t want to go. And I haven’t even talked to her since that day.”

That was a relief to hear. I had pictured Jill and Beth chatting and giggling about their affairs and it took all my strength to stop myself from checking the recent calls on her cell phone as soon as she got home from class.

“But Rick, I have to tell you, she’s, well, she’s different now. She doesn’t cheat on her husband anymore. She got caught and well, they have total honesty now.”

“Really?” I found it a little hard to believe, and there seemed to be something Beth wasn’t saying about the situation.

“Why did you say ‘total honesty’ that way, so long and drawn out, like there’s something strange about their honesty?”

Her face started to turn red and she covered her mouth, her eyes lighting up with what looked like excitement.

“Oh my God, Rick. They’re swingers now.”

It took a couple of seconds to process what she was saying and then it made perfect sense. Beth had told me all about how Jill didn’t have the guilt gene, that she had no problem cheating on her husband. I found the guilt gene an interesting theory and it made sense to me, given how many men I knew who boasted when they were out with the guys about cheating on their wives.

I started getting aroused again as Beth recounted some of the stories Jill had told her. Maybe it would be fun and harmless for the two of them to be friends again, I thought, as long as Jill understood that Beth was only interested in living vicariously, not participating.

As she talked, I ran my hand along her legs, pushing up her silky pajama shorts just a little to feel her upper thighs.

She sat up and gripped my face in her two hands. Then she kissed me hard on the lips. I moaned, wanting to move quickly, but also wanting to please her by going slow.

But then she said something that halted things again.

“No more secrets, ever. I promise you, Rick. I don’t ever want to lie to you. I love you. You’ve been so forgiving and so good to me. Thank you. No secrets. Ever.”

Now my guilt gene was activated. I looked away and filled my mouth with air before letting it escape slowly like a balloon deflating.

“Yeah, no secrets. You’re right. We can’t have them anymore or this won’t work.”

She leaned back up against the bed with a look of fear on her face.

I couldn’t believe what I was about to do. I never thought I would. I never thought I could. I decided long ago that it would only be selfish.

“What, Rick? Just tell me.”

My heart was beating fast inside my chest. She crossed her arms in front of her body.

“Remember when Sam was a baby and you didn’t want to leave him to go to my company Christmas party?”

The corners of her mouth turned down and she looked at me with her most intense stare.

There was a long, awkward silence. I couldn’t get the words out. I always planned what I would say to Beth ahead of time when we had to have difficult conversations. I was too unprepared for this.

She took my chin and turned me to face her.

“It was Joanna, wasn’t it?”

My guilt gene was popping around inside me like a popcorn kernel now. I thought about how friendly they were with each other, even after. Whenever Beth came to see me at the office, they’d make small talk and I’d whisk Beth away as fast as I could.

I didn’t nod or change my facial expression. I just stared back into her eyes to confirm.

She ran her fingers through the hair just above her forehead and pursed her lips together.

“So did you fuck her?”

I went back to that horrible night when I asked her the very same question about Dave.

“No, I didn’t. We were drunk. It happened in the supply room. It was messy and stupid and I’ve always regretted it.”

“What exactly did you do?”

“Beth, it was so long ago. I know you’re upset and I’m sorry. I never told you because it was just that one time. It didn’t mean anything and I knew how much it would hurt you.”

“I want to know exactly what you did with her. God, that bitch! I knew something was different. She was so sugary sweet after that. I just didn’t think you could ever… You’re supposed to be the good one… the one who doesn’t make those kinds of mistakes. That’s my job.”

The words were like a kick in the nuts. I had always been the stable, loyal, reliable one. It killed me that I had slipped that one time, but the price I paid was to keep it to myself. I didn’t want to burden Beth, at least not until all this talk of not having any secrets from each other changed everything.

She sighed and took both my hands in hers. It felt like a laying down of arms.

“I just need to know exactly what you did. I know it was a long time ago. I know we’ll get past it. But I need to know. You made me tell you everything I did with Dave. I didn’t want to. But I gave you every detail.”

She was right. Now that it was out there, I had to go all the way, just like she did.

“We flirted a little during the dinner. I knew she was having trouble with her boyfriend. I think he was cheating and she was determined to get back at him. And you were…” I didn’t want to say it.

I saw sympathy in her eyes and felt some relief. She opened her mouth to speak and I hoped her words would match her expression.

“I was consumed with Sam every waking moment. He was sleeping in our bed, nursing around the clock, crying nonstop. I was exhausted and cranky. I know how I was, I do.”

“He was such a difficult baby and you took the brunt of it. I should have tried to help more.” I didn’t want her to think it was her fault.

“So anyway, I went to the bathroom, and on my way back, she grabbed me and pulled me into the supply room. She was sloppy drunk. I was pretty bad too. She yanked at my belt buckle and my pants were at my ankles before what was happening really sunk in.”

“So she gave you a blow job?”

I nodded.

“Was it good?”

“Come on, Beth.”

She crossed her arms again.

“Yours are way better.” It was true.

That response was met with a big smile.

“So, is that all that happened?”

I shook my head.

“I felt like I had to, you know, do something for her, after.”

I got the feeling that she had to know exactly what happened, and at the same time, she didn’t really want to hear all of it. I wondered if we could just end it there, but I saw that her mind was racing as she tried to figure out her next question.

“Hands or mouth?”

I bit my lip and looked down. No words were needed.

I figured that was the last of her questions, but I was wrong.

“Did you kiss her?”

“No. No, I didn’t. I never kissed her,” I said with pride, realizing how much that would mean to Beth. She squeezed my hand.

“Okay,” she said firmly, suddenly sounding like a lawyer who had just reached a settlement and was about to sum up the terms.

“Okay?” I asked, knowing I had no choice but to follow her lead. Would we need to rehash this in sessions with Carly? Would I be sleeping on the couch for a month? Was there any chance we’d still be having sex tonight?

She smiled again, another real, full smile.

“I forgive you. I was a mess back then. And she took advantage of you. I’m glad you told me.” Her face clouded slightly. “I just wish you’d told me sooner, maybe with Carly’s help, instead of letting me be the bad one all this time. Maybe it’s wrong for me to feel this way, but it helps with my guilt about what I did. So now we know our marriage isn’t perfect. Whose is?”