IRISH FIRE (30 page)

I would hardly call John
everyone,
her mother said.

Who would you call
everyone?

Brigid swallowed. I dont know. Maybe Michael told someone.

Who would he tell?

Martin, maybe, in confession.

Caitlin shook her head and the ghost of a smile appeared on her lips. Poor Martin. She sighed, unfolded her legs, and stood. Im going out. Tell Annie and Ben Ill be back before dinner.

Brigid didnt really want to know but it was harder not to. Where are you goin?

Im not sure. I need to think.

Clasping her hands together, Brigid prayed for patience. Dont do anything foolish, Caitlin. Perhaps you should take a walk first.

Surprisingly, Caitlin was agreeable. What a good idea. Buttoning up her coat, she pulled the gloves from her pocket, and disappeared down the hallway.

Brigid heard the door open and close again. She waited until the large hand made a complete circle of the clock before moving to the phone.

He answered on the first half of the double ring. Hennessey.

Hello, Brian, its Brigid Keneally.

How are you, Mrs. Keneally?

At the moment I could be better. There isnt much time, but I wanted t let you know that Caitlin saw Father Durans solicitor this morning. Shes very upset.

I see. His voice had changed. It was cautious, probing. Is there anythin I can do?

We had words, she began.

He interrupted. How is Caitlin?

Brigid clutched the phone with both hands. She went for a walk. I believe she may be on her way to see you.

Brians voice, low and reassuring, soothed her. Ill talk to Caitlin and ring you back. Put your feet up, Mrs. Keneally. Caitlins a sensible girl. Shell come around.

Brigid hung up the phone. There was something about Brian Hennessey that made a woman feel as if she could rest her burdens for awhile. It was absurd, of course.
Sensible
. Hed called Caitlin sensible. Obviously he saw a side of her that no one else had. Intelligent, shed been called, spirited, profound, complicated, and difficult. Those were the trailers that had at one time or another been affixed to Caitlin during her lifetime, but no one, as far as Brigid knew, had ever called her sensible. Brigid was the sensible one: an obedient daughter, an accommodating wife, practical, efficient, matter-of-fact, a no-nonsense kind of girl her father had called her. Who would have imagined that she would have done what she did? Who would have known she was capable of such desperate emotion and the ache that followed, an unsettled ache that would last for more years than she could countcold painful years where it was all she could do to work and sleep and work again, refusing to think at all until a protective scar sealed itself around her heart and she could hear the name
Michael
without flinching?

A wave of nostalgia shook her and with it came the memories: memories of her heavy with the child she would bear, memories of Michael coming up the rise, the lean beautiful length of him framed on both sides by the colors of autumn.

If she tried very hard she could stop it now, concentrate and push aside the memory, just as she had a thousand times before. But the softness of Michaels kiss intruded. Once, the world and the promise of love had been hers. She wanted the way it was back again. Closing her eyes, Brigid welcomed the images that washed over her.

Hed been distant that day, running his hand across her bulging belly over and over as they walked the lonely country roads outside Kilcullen. Finally shed asked him.

Is somethin wrong, Michael?

He came out with it as if her permission was what hed waited for. Ive been denied a hearing. They wont let me leave.

Why not?

It isnt easy to defrock a priest, Brigid. He laughed bitterly. Fornication isnt reason enough. Apparently neither is adultery. That doesnt shock them. Theres absolution for that. Its my vow thats irrevocable.

What about losin your faith? Is that reason enough?

Again his long, aristocratic hand moved across her stomach. Perhaps, but that wouldnt be true. I havent lost my faith.

But you no longer want t be a priest. Your child is about to be born.

I still believe in God, Brigid.

For pitys sake, Michael. One lie isnt goin to condemn you forever. Who made such arbitrary rules anyway? Do you think that Jesus Christ is up there in heaven tellin everyone that a priest wont go t hell for fornication and adultery but he will go if he lies about his faith to marry the woman he loves?

Its more complicated than that. I cant deny my faith. Please understand, I must be left with something.

Left with somethin? Shed pulled away from him. What am I, Michael? Im nearly eight months gone with child. Sean is dead. I love you more than life itself. Im willin to leave everythin I know and go with you to start again with nothin but the clothes on our backs. You said you loved me, Michael. What does that mean?

You have five children.

She felt as if a heavy stone was pressing against her chest. Stopping by a giant oak, she leaned against the trunk to catch her breath. Ive had five children all along.

We cant be selfish. You have the store and the pub. Its a decent living even without Sean.

You said we couldnt live here, she reminded him.

He rested his arm against a tree branch just above his head. He wore his Roman collar, something he hadnt done for months. Black suited him, complementing the silver touches in his hair and the dark, nearly black eyes set under soaring eyebrows. She knew he was laboring under something that needed to be said. Words didnt come easily to him, not like it had with Sean, despite his seminary training and his Oxford education.

We could live here if nothing changed, he began.

No, oh, no
.
He couldnt mean what shed heard
.

Encouraged by her silence, he continued. No one would know that the child wasnt Seans. We could continue as we are, meeting like this. He turned to her eagerly. It would be better for both of us, love. No nasty scandal, no scrubbing for a living. We have more than most married couples. We talk and touch and laugh. How many have that after the years of living from hand to mouth takes its toll?

What happens if I have another child and this time with no husband? Will you marry me then, Michael, after Ive given you two children, or three, or four?

Ill be careful, darling, very careful. I promise I will.

No one can promise such a thing.

There are ways to prevent pregnancy.

He was pulling away from her. He wanted out. She could feel it. In England, maybe, and in the north. But not in Ireland.

You could go north.

With six children and a pub t run? I dont think so. Her arms were cold but it was nothing compared to the cold inside of her, freezing the life from her limbs. She rubbed her arms. It was late and she should be getting back but she wasnt leaving until it was clear between them. He would have to say it. She would not make it easy for him by walking away, out of his life.

I dont think this is right for your children.

Her eyes burned with tears. You didnt think of my children when you stuck your tongue down my throat or when we were rollin about between your sheets in the rectory, she said furiously.

Dont be crude.

She read the distaste on his face and something inside of her snapped. It was over. Goodbye, Michael, she said softly, turning on her heel and walking quickly away.

He did not come after her. Flowers were sent when Caitlin was born, anonymously, of course. Brigid knew who had sent them. When Caitlin was old enough to attend school, her mother considered sending her to the National School instead of to Saint Patricks with Kitty, but that would have been too obvious. Caitlins coloring had been the source of enough speculation. Brigid saw no need to point out further differences between her and her sisters. Only Assumpta OShea knew her secret, and she was the soul of discretion.

Michael Duran had missed his opportunity. At the end, in the hospital when Annie was hurt, he told her of his regret, but Brigid wasnt so sure. She knew what it was to love. Once, Michael Duran had been on the other end of that love. But that was a lifetime ago. Now her love was caught up, complete in the circle of her children and grandchildren.

C
aitlins first inclination was to tell no one, to simply pack up her children and take the first train out of Kilcullen. But then what? Kentucky was the obvious answer. Lucy would take them in, but Claiborne Farms was Sams home, and Caitlin couldnt live with her ex-husband and his mother for the rest of her life. Besides, she rather liked the idea of being independent, of building a business that was exclusively hers from the ground up. Michael Durans legacy would make the dream a reality. But not here, not in Kilcullen.

At first Caitlin had considered not accepting his money on principle. But once the horror of the solicitors revelation had worn off, her own practical business sense prevailed. If she didnt take it, the money would revert to the church and if ever an institution could afford to give up two hundred thousand pounds, it was the Roman Catholic Church. She would use the money for herself and her children and be better off for it.

Caitlin walked through the late afternoon dusk and forced herself to slow her steps and think about the events her mother had described, events leading up to her own conception and birth.

Two hours ago shed been furious with Brigid, but now she wasnt so sure she had a right to be. Thirty-one years ago her mother had fallen in love and been loved in return.

She did not doubt Michael Durans feelings for her mother. Caitlin remembered the snapshots. Long ago, before worry and work and children had taken their toll, Brigid had been a beautiful woman. Just because a man was a priest made him no less human. Ideally, a man entering the priesthood set aside the trappings of ordinary men, but perhaps, for some, it wasnt so easily accomplished. Perhaps it was a struggle to be battled and overcome every new sunrise.

Caitlin was thirty-one years old, old enough to understand the magnetic pull of desire. No, it wasnt her mother she blamed, nor was it Father Duran. Blame had no place in what shed learned at the solicitors office today.

It was later, in Brians cottage, that another kind of ax had fallen, one that affected her more profoundly because it was so unexpected.

The massive gate of the Curragh loomed before her. She stood before it, reached out and clung to the wrought iron, her fingers folding over the center pike. For as long as she could remember, this gate had been the entrance to the mainstay of her life.

Lifting the latch, Caitlin pushed it open and walked through the cobbled entrance of the stud farm, past the dormitory, the offices, and the swan pond. Jagged plates of thin ice floated on the surface of the gray water. For once she did not stop at the barns to check on either of her horses, but continued up the path and over the knoll to Brians cottage.

As if he felt the pull of her presence, he opened the door at the exact moment she started up the long driveway.

Hello, he said in that low, gravelly voice she would prefer in a man for the rest of her life. Ive been expectin you.

She reached the steps of his porch and climbed them to stand before him. Her coat was unbuttoned. His eyes lingered on the collar of her blouse edged in white lace and then moved to her mouth. Caitlin felt the warmth of his approval. Are you omniscient or did my mother call you?

He grinned. She called me. Does that bother you?

The bittersweet honesty of his answer pierced her heart. It doesnt matter.

Will you come inside?

She nodded and he stepped back, allowing her to precede him into the living room.

I love you, Caitlin, he said, heading her off. Please believe that.

She did, but it didnt change anything. I cant be with you, Brian.

His eyes met hers and held. Dont destroy what weve begun.

She shook her head. You dont understand.

He frowned, reached for her, changed his mind, and dropped his hands to his sides. No. I dont understand. Tell me.

Tears closed her throat. I cant.

Why not?

I dont want to.

Then dont, he said reasonably. Tell me later, when youre ready.

Again she shook her head.

He swore softly. Sweet Jesus, Caitlin. Why wont you trust me?

Its not that.

What is it, then?

She swallowed. Im not ready for this. I dont know what will happen.

Yesterday you didnt feel this way.

She didnt want to tell him. The horror on his face would kill her. Im leaving now. I just wanted to tell you that I cant, that were not

His eyes blazed. Shed made him angry, no small feat for a man with Brians patience. Listen to me, Caitlin Keneally, he said in a controlled voice. Youve done a great deal of talkin but now its my turn. I dont know what you think youve done, but it doesnt matter. I love you. I want to marry you. Ive never said that to another woman. I know its soon to be thinkin of that, but my feelins wont go away. Dont tell me that between a night and a day youve mixed up yours enough to change your mind about me.

He wasnt all that tall but just now he seemed to tower over her. Backing away from him, she felt the edge of a chair against the back of her legs and sat. He leaned over her, bracing himself with his hands on the upholstered arms. I love you. Doesnt that mean anythin to you?

Yes, it does, a great deal, but it doesnt change anything. Im sorry, Brian.

Are you? He straightened and moved away. She felt oddly bereft now that he was no longer close to her.

She sighed, suddenly too weary to get up out of her chair. She had spent too many years with Sam Claiborne to trust easily. It would take time to heal herself. Im sorry, Brian, she said again, her voice low, her words unsteady. Tears welled up, spilling over onto her cheeks. She lifted her hand to shield her eyes. I didnt mean to lead you on. I told you from the beginning this might happen.

His face was pale. I love you, Caitlin. I love your children as if they were my own.

She could feel the sob rise in her throat, blocking the airways. She gasped, breathed, and tried to hold back the waves of pain.

Brian cupped her elbows and lifted her out of the chair, bringing her close to his chest. Dear Lord, had she ever wanted anything this much? Turning her face into the curve of his neck, she breathed in the smell of him, soap, leather, horse, and hay. For an instant she was tempted to put everything behind her, everything but this. Was it possible to want so and turn away from it?

Summoning resources from deep within her, Caitlin stepped back, pushing him away. She couldnt afford another error in judgement, not with two children at stake.

Dont do this. His voice was raw with hurt.

I cant help it, she said, and watched the light leave his eyes. I want to but I cant.

Tell me why.

Its too soon after Sam. There are things I dont want to share with you right now. She waited for him to tell her she was absurd, that her concerns werent legitimate. All of her life people had told her that her feelings werent important enough, serious enough, worthy enough to think twice about. Bracing herself, she waited, hoping he wouldnt disappoint her. It would be so much easier to walk away if his words proved her right.

He looked at her, exasperated, blue eyes dark with confusion, black hair falling across his forehead, the vein in his neck throbbing against his shirt collar. Your standards are very high, he said gently. I wish I was up to them.

Its not you. Its me. Im sorry, she said again.

So am I.

It wouldnt be right for either of us.

I suppose not.

So, this was what giving up felt like. Ive Annie and Ben to consider.

He nodded. You have.

It wouldnt be right for them.

Dont say that. The anger was back in his voice again. Of all the reasons youve thrown at me today, dont say I wouldnt be good for your children.

Too much had been said already. Mutely, Caitlin turned and walked toward the door.

Caitlin.

She turned, waiting.

He met her gaze steadily. I had
Irish Gold
s blood samples sent to Weatherbys. He wasnt a
Narraganset
foal.

How is that possible?
Irish Gold
died in the fire.

I sent the samples before the fire.

You told me you hadnt.

No. You assumed I hadnt and I didnt correct you.

Why not?

I had no proof. You were goin to Kentucky. I knew if your husband was capable of settin fire to a barn full of horses, he was dangerous. Until I had the facts, I couldnt tell you.

She frowned. Why would Sam do such a thing?

That remains to be seen. Will you use the information?

Ill tell him I know, she said slowly. I have no other choice, but I wont blackmail him if thats what you mean.

Would you like the documentation from Weatherbys?

Yes.

Brian left the room, returning with the evidence. Handing it to Caitlin, he hesitated. Be careful.

Youve been very busy, she said. Is there anything else?

Sam is puttin pressure on Hillary Benedict. Shes afraid for the reputation of the Stud.

What kind of pressure?

You have a month to find another stable.

She counted the days in her head. Apparently Claiborne money still had influence in Ireland. Thank goodness I have a barn.

The stud fees will be higher everywhere else, he warned her.

How much of a discount have you been giving me?

Half.

Caitlin hoped her shock didnt show. Fees had risen enormously since John OSheas time. She couldnt afford to spend Father Durans money on her horses. Ill manage, she said stiffly. Thank you for telling me.

You could take a chance on me until youre up and started.

Her hand was on the door. I dont understand.

Ive made an offer on a yard near the track. Its time I went out on my own.

From across the room she could see the blue of his eyes. Please tell me you didnt leave the Curragh because of me.

Hillary and I havent been seein things the same way for a long time.

All right, then. Ill think about your offer.

Think about both of them, Caitlin. Im not going anywhere.

It was after four when she left the cottage. Fog clung to the trees and streetlights, shrouding the branches, blurring the lamps so the light took on the fuzzy quality of candles in the December darkness. Turning up the collar of her coat, Caitlin hurried down the deserted streets of Kilcullen, more miserable than she could ever remember feeling.

She was a fool to think of staying here. There was too much to put behind her. Brian would wear her down before she was ready or, worse still, he would find someone else, an irrational thought considering shed refused him, but one she couldnt bear to face. Lana Sullivan hated her, Annie still wanted to go home, and every time Caitlin looked into her mothers eyes, she could see the shame in them. Only Ben was unaffectedsweet, chubby, affable Ben who would be just as content in Kentucky with Grandma Lucy as he was here in Kilcullen.

Annie and Ben were eating cheese and tomato sandwiches when she walked into the kitchen of her mothers house. They jumped up and threw themselves into her arms, jabbering a thousand questions all at once.

Hold on, she laughed, hugging her children fiercely. I cant answer both of you at the same time. Over their dark heads, her eyes met her mothers. Their glances connected and held as if an invisible force united them, its message clear and unmistakable.
This is whats important,
her mothers eyes said,
this blood bond that ties us together
.
Nothing matters as much as this
.

Later, after listening to conflicting renditions of the time Annie and Ben had spent without her, Caitlin tickled and kissed them until they were breathless and then left them to do their schoolwork on the round oak table in her mothers kitchen. She returned to the sitting room where Brigid was banking the fire with squares of peat. Caitlin rubbed her arms against the cold, saw the tea tray set for two, and sat down in a wingback chair.

Brigid pulled off her rubber gloves and threw them into the peat basket. That should do it, she said, before dragging her chair closer to the fire. Ive made tea. Would you like a cup?