Irises (8 page)

She turned toward him, expecting to see affection or caring in his face, but what she saw instead was responsibility. The strong was offering to protect the weak.

“Are you worried about me financially?” she asked.

“That's not all. But I'll take care of you, all of you. I'll make good money with my own restaurant.”

Kate rubbed her feet on the ground. The week before, she had sat with her father on these same chairs and he'd told her that the burden of taking care of the family would fall on h
er. She
knew by the way her father treated Simon that he wanted her to marry him, probably the sooner the better. Marrying Simon would have eased the family's burden even when Father was alive; how much more would it do that now?
Love makes everything that is heavy light
, her father had said. But did she love Simon?

“I guess I need to know if you'd be willing to let me take care of you. I'm not that good with words. It's not just takin
g car
e of you, you know what I mean, providing for you. I care for you. I
.
.
. I love you. I never said that before. I never said it to anyone, but you know I've always felt that.”

She reached over, squeezed his hand, and then looked away. “Thank you,” she said.

She felt the weight of silence. She knew he was waiting for her to say she loved him, but she couldn't bring herself to speak the words.

He went on, disappointment in his voice, “I know I'm not the most exciting guy out there, but I'm dependable and respectful and I would never do anything to hurt you.”

“Simon, I know all that. I just don't know if I can give you the kind of assurances you want right now.”

“I've been patient,” he said. He sounded impatient when he said it.

“Patient?”

“You're always studying. When we get together, it's to do homework or research. We never do anything fun. We hardly even make out.”

“We make out all the time.”

“Once a week, maybe, and you always put a stop to it after a short while. You know what I mean,” he said. He didn't sound like he was complaining; he sounded like he was marshaling his evidence to show she was not affectionate.

“I didn't know that bothered you.”

“It doesn't
bother
me. But I'm a guy. I'm trying to tell you I never asked anything from you.”

“I don't get it,” Kate said. “What exactly are you asking for now? I thought you were talking about making a more formal commitment, like an engagement. Now it sounds like you're saying we haven't been intimate enough.”

“No, that's not what I meant. I meant that we've been in the same place for a long time. I know your father let me go out with you because he trusted me, and I never wanted to let him down. I just think that now we should move on to the next step. I don't even know if it's engagement. It may be going straight to marriage.”

“We would go from being boyfriend and girlfriend, skipping pre-engagement and engagement, straight to marriage.” She couldn't help poking fun at him. “First you tell my aunt we're pre-engaged without even talking to me, and now you want to get married without actually proposing.”

“Oh, man. I really botched this up. Can I start over again?”

Kate looked at the neighbors' house. Mr. and Mrs. Domínguez had lived in that house for thirty-five years. Their children had grown up and gotten married, and now a rusty swing set stood in the backyard, used now and then by the grandchildren. Kate thought of the Domínguezes' living room. It was carpeted with a thick, burgundy carpet. A wine-colored sofa and armchair surrounded a giant TV screen. An armoire full of porcelain angels that Mrs. Domínguez collected at yard sales stood in the corner. Every time Kate visited the Domínguezes, she imagined what it would be like to spend her life in that living room. Was she wrong in thinking there was more to life than that? Why did she fear she would end up in that living room forever if she married Simon?

Simon was dependable, respectful, hardworking. He didn't drink or belong to a gang. She had been his first serious girlfriend even though many other girls had been after him. They were comfortable around each other and never once did Kate feel discontented with what they had. She knew Simon would have sex with her if she let him, but she never felt strongly enough about him to have sex. What she wanted most of all was a more meaningful life, a life where she was useful to others, a life that in her mind could only be obtained someplace other than El Paso.

If she had to decide whether to marry him at that moment, her answer would be no. No, she didn't want to move on to th
e next
step, as Simon put it. But something inside of her kept her from outright turning him down
— a fear almost, as if he
r father
were standing next to her, reminding her of her responsibilities. And Simon was such a good guy. He had been her steady partner. They studied and worked and joked together. He did not deserve to be hurt simply because she was indecisive.

“You don't have to start over,” she said to him. “I know what you're saying. I think I'm still in shock from Father's death. Give me time. Give me a little more time.”

Simon intertwined his fingers with Kate's. “Sure. I didn't mean to rush you or anything. I just didn't want you to worry. You can still go to UTEP. You can still be a doctor. I'd support you in that like I always have. I'm just saying that things will be a lot easier for all of you if we're together. It's what's best for all.”

Kate nodded to tell him that she understood what he was saying, not that she was in agreement. She doubted that Simon would get the distinction, but she didn't feel like making it clearer. She looked up at the night sky again, and it seemed that there were not as many stars as she had thought.

 

M
ary knew something was wrong as soon as Kate and Simon came into the house. Simon's expression was deadly serious. He quickly shook hands with Aunt Julia and then excused himself, saying he had to go to the restaurant to help close it for the night. Kate was silent, but she too looked as if she would never smile again.

Aunt Julia must have sensed that something important had taken place, because as soon as Simon was out the door, she perked up enough to start with her questions.

“Well, did he propose?” she asked. “He looked like he wanted to propose. What is this ‘pre-engagement'? Who's ever heard of that? He's an extremely responsible boy, the kind who would make a great husband. He has everything a girl like you could want. Well?”

Kate shook her head and didn't answer. Aunt Julia got more and more agitated. She began to shift around on the couch. “I hope you don't think you're too young to be married. Your mother was eighteen. Of course no one in the family thought it was a good idea, but that wasn't because of her age, it was because no one liked your father. Eighteen years is fine if the man and woman are mature enough. Simon seems very mature. He knows what he wants.”

“I know he's mature,” Kate said with control in her voice.

“Well, then, what's there to think about?”

“I don't know,” Kate said.

Aunt Julia finally found a comfortable spot on the sofa. “Look, with your father gone and Catalina the way she is, you don't have the luxury of waiting around. You need to consider how you'll survive. A bird in the hand, as they say . . .”

Kate began to massage her temples with her fingers, and Mary saw that as her signal to speak up. “Aunt Julia, Kate will never marry Simon simply because we need to survive. If she marries Simon, it's because she loves him.”

Aunt Julia looked surprised, as if she hadn't expected Mary to take Kate's side.

“Well,” she said in a hurt tone, “it looks like you two girls don't need my advice.”

“Everything is happening so fast,” Kate said. “I can't ev
en think
straight. I need time to think about what's best. We all do.”

“I'm trying to help you think things through,” Aunt Julia insisted. “You have an insurance policy you don't even know for how much. You have a boyfriend who wants to marry you right now, and don't tell me he doesn't, because I know when
a man is
ready to get married, and that boy has marriage written all over his face. I don't see that you have many optio
ns here
.”

“The insurance policy is for one hundred thousand dollar
s,” Kate
said quietly. “That's going to get us through for a while.”

Aunt Julia appeared to be calculating whether the new information changed anything she had been saying. “A hundred thousand dollars is not a lot of money,” she said at last. “Not when you have to take care of Catalina, pay rent, and buy food. You'll need to start working full-time as soon as you finish high school.” She sounded tired again.

“Kate doesn't have to marry Simon right away if she doesn't want to. She's going to college.” Mary smiled at Kate. Kate looked away, and Mary realized that Aunt Julia had never once asked if Kate loved Simon. She spoke about what a good catch he was, but not what Kate felt for him. Maybe Aunt Julia just assumed they loved each other, as Mary did. Now Kate's silence made Mary wonder whether that was true.

“College?” Aunt Julia said, shaking her head. “You might as well forget about that.”

It is rarely cold in April in El Paso, but that night it was chilly. Kate and Mary both wore their flannel pajamas to bed. Kate slipped under the covers, said good night, and turned her back to Mary. Usually she stayed up reading until long after Mary had fallen asleep. Mary could hear Aunt Julia taking her pills in the bathroom. She turned off the light and waited until she heard Aunt Julia settle in on the sofa bed.

“Kate, Kate,” Mary whispered.

“I'm asleep,” Kate said.

“I want to ask you a question.”

“What is it?” She still had her back to Mary, but she didn't sound annoyed.

Mary took a deep breath. “Do you love Simon?”

Silence filled the room. Kate turned on her back and gripped the edges of her blanket. “We're a weird pair, aren't we?” she said.

“Why do you say that?”

“Look at us. Look at how we dress. Aunt Julia has cooler outfits than we do. We talk like old ladies. We've never even used lipstick. One time I plucked my eyebrows, and Father scolded me because it was vanity. Here you are, sixteen yea
rs old,
and you haven't had a single boyfriend. You haven't even kissed anybody, because if you had, you would have to
ld me
.”

“I don't tell you everything,” Mary giggled.

“We're probably the only two students in the whole high school who don't have cell phones. We barely have a computer. And how hard was it to convince Father about that? Remember how upset he was when we first got it? He literally thought the devil was going to sneak in the house through the Internet cable.”

“He was okay with you dating Simon,” Mary reminded her. “That was huge.”

“Huge? That was a miracle bigger than the virgin bir
th.
But . . .”

“But what?”

“Nothing.”

“I know what you're going to say.” Mary actually had no idea what Kate was about to say, but she didn't want her to stop talking.

“What was I going to say?”

Mary said the first thing that came to her mind. “You were going to say that Simon was the kind of boy Papa wanted fo
r you
.”

“Okay, Miss Woman of the World, what kind of boy i
s that
?”

“Loyal. Well-behaved. Serious. Protective.”

“You make him sound like the perfect dog.”

They laughed.

“He's super nice,” Mary added when they finished laughing.

“Shhh, you're going to wake up Aunt Julia,” Kate said.

“So, do you love him?”