Intimate Secrets (The Love and Danger Series) (5 page)

“We can work out a custody agreement,” she said, the words painful because she couldn’t deal with the idea of Lilly not being in her house, in her crib where she belonged. 

Walker nodded his head, trying to grasp all of the ramifications of having a child.  “What was she like when she was first born?” he asked, his voice husky with the emotions welling up inside of him. 

Amy walked over to her bookshelf and pulled down a large book.  When she handed it to him, he realized that it was actually a photo
album filled with pictures of Lilly and Amy.  A few were of Amy pregnant.  Walker ached to have known her then.  She looked almost serene, he thought. 

“Why did you let me believe you were going to abort our child?”  It was the question that had been nagging at him the whole time but it had taken him several hours to articulate the burning issue. 

Amy sighed, rubbing her hands together.  “Honestly, I didn’t realize I was doing that at the time.  Looking back, I can understand why you thought that.  And maybe, subconsciously, I was pushing you away before you could run away.”  She wiped a tear off her cheek as she admitted that.  “I’m sorry if that’s the case.  I didn’t know I was doing it.”  She took in a deep breath and leaned against the countertop.  “This is all so raw right now.  I don’t really have any answers for you, much less for myself.”

He rubbed his hand over his face, the fatigue and shock just starting to bear down on him. 
“I agree we need to talk.  But maybe we should do it tomorrow when we’ve both had a chance to sleep on everything.”

Amy nodded her head, crossing her arms over her stomach nervously.  “That sounds like a pretty good plan.” 

“Do you have an extra blanket?”

That was a surprising question.  “Yes.  Why?”

His hands on his hips challenged her.  “Because I just discovered that I’m a father.  I know some crazy person is trying to get to you and there’s really no way in hell that I’m leaving you here alone.  I would cart both you and Lilly off to my place where I can protect you better, but my place isn’t equipped for a baby.  So I’ll sleep here on the couch until we figure out a long term solution.”

She backed up a step, horrified at his proposition.  “Sleep on my couch?” she asked.  “You can’t do that!”

He raised his eyebrows.  “Do you have another option?” he asked, his eyes moving down her gorgeous figure. 

She quickly shook her head
, indicating that he couldn’t sleep here more than she was denying that she had another option.  “You sleep at your place and we’ll talk tomorrow morning.”

He dismissed that suggestion with a wave of his hand.  “No way am I walking out of here with the two of you unprotected.  I’ll sleep on the couch.”

Her eyes took in his enormous frame, her mind immediately going down a different road until she mercilessly pulled it back again.  “You’re too tall, too big.  I don’t even have a sofa.  It’s just a love seat.”

He’d already noted that, but it made no difference.  He wasn’t leaving Amy and Lilly unprotected.  He was a cop.  He knew all the horrors that could happen and he wasn’t going to
leave these two ladies alone.  “I’ll be fine.  If you’ll just get me that blanket.”

She looked up into his
brown eyes and shivered, remembering too many events in that very same love seat before…

Shaking her head, she moved up the stairs.  Grabbing the spare blanket, she brought it back downstairs along with her extra pillow. 
She actually only had two and she used both at night, pulling one up close to her body, but he wouldn’t know that.  When they’d slept together, she had snuggled up to him.  The pillows… in fact, the sheets and blankets, had rarely stayed on the bed after their extremely physical encounters.  But they’d always been too exhausted to notice, much less even care. 

“Here,” she handed the blanket and pillow over to him grudgingly.  She thought he was overreacting.  This stalker person hadn’t come close to her hou
se.  There was no reason for Walker to stay here, but she couldn’t push him out. 

She watched him as he unfolded the blanket and contemplated her love seat.  It was almost amusing to watch him try to figure out how to get his enormous body onto that small piece of furniture.  But in the end, her thoughts were swerving into dangerous territory and she knew it would be better if she got out of the man’s proximity. 
“Good night,” she said and hurried up the stairs before he could say anything else to her. 

Walker watched her race up the stairway
, his eyes taking in her lush figure once again.  Okay, so he’d looked at her earlier, but he’d been too furious with her to really appreciate her body.  And all the changes that had occurred.

Wow! 
The totality of those changes suddenly hit him right between the eyes.  Thinking of those changes, he dropped down onto the love seat, staring up at the ceiling.  And then another thought hit him.  Just one floor away, his tiny little daughter slept!  A powerful surge of love and fear struck him full force and he could barely breathe for several moments.  A daughter!  The idea hadn’t ever occurred to him.  Even last year after Amy told him she was pregnant, he hadn’t let his mind go down the pathway of the child. 

He was a father?  The idea was so mind boggling.  All the issues he would have to deal with, all the problems. 

And then his mind snapped back to holding Lilly while she fell asleep and his heart melted.  It had taken her only moments and he was now in love.  The thought terrified him.

He tried to close his eyes, tried to sleep.  But the image of his little girl, his baby daughter, kept popping into his mind.  And sleep was the last thing he could do. 

Amy curled up on her bed, her thoughts swirling around, not stopping on any one thing but bouncing from one issue to the next.  Walker was back!  How was that possible? 

Oh yeah, the crazy guy who was stalking her. 

She almost groaned with relief that Walker was downstairs.  She’d spent so many sleepless nights worrying about this crazy guy finding the courage to approach her.  What if he’d done it while she’d been with Lilly?  What if he’d wanted to harm Lilly?  Or herself?  She’d never actually told Walker about Lilly until tonight and there had been several nights that Amy had worried that Lilly wouldn’t have a parent.  Amy was alone in the world, both her parents had passed away and she didn’t have any siblings.  So worrying about what would happen to Lilly had caused her stomach to ache at times. 

Knowing Walker was downstairs was both comforting…and terrifying.  She smiled into the darkness, picturing him on her love seat.  The man really was a giant and there was no way he was comfortable down there.  Shifting to her other side, she tried to get comfortable while her mind played over their conversation tonight.

He’d thought she had aborted their child.  She’d thought he was abandoning her when she needed him the most.  Their affair had been so passionate, so intense that they hadn’t taken the time to get to know each other.  And when it was most critical, they hadn’t been able to communicate well enough. 

For the first time
since that horrible conversation, she accepted that there was hurt and distrust on both sides. 

Could they work through this?  Could they become friends for Lilly’s sake? 

Amy wasn’t sure.  She stared up into the darkness, wondering how she could just forget all the fear and anger that she’d built up over the past twelve months, all the terrible nights when she’d cried herself to sleep while the fear of the future was almost choking her.  She’d learned to deal with the stress but she silently acknowledged that she was relieved that Walker was here, that he knew about Lilly and he wasn’t rejecting their child. 

She smiled in the darkness as she remembered the look on his face when he’d held Lilly in his arms for the first time.  No.  He definitely wasn’t rejecting Lilly. 
In fact, he was embracing their precious girl!  Who knew?  He was so big and powerful but when he’d held Lilly, he’d been so gently and careful.  He’d done that with her as well.  Walker could be a powerful lover, demanding and passionate, but when he touched her, she’d never feared that he would hurt her.  He knew how to control the strength in that huge body of his. 

Amy rolled over and stared out of the bedroom window, unaware of the sheets tangling around her legs as her thoughts turned more confused. 
She should have given him a chance a year ago, she thought with as much fairness as she could muster under the circumstances.  After their conversation earlier tonight, she realized that she’d probably been wrong during their last conversation.  Her loneliness had been just as much her fault as it had been his.  He’d said some angry things, she’d tossed out angry words…they’d both been hurt.

How could they
move forward though?

Amy tucked
her pillow under her chin, staring out the window at the silent, mocking moon.  How could both of them have so completely misunderstood each other back then?  When something as important as a baby was at stake, they should have calmed down and figured things out more rationally.   Every other time, all other conversations and communications had been easy between them.  She could say anything to him and he would understand, almost anticipate what she was saying.  Unfortunately, the most important conversation they had, the time when they should have exerted all of their energies towards trying to communicate clearly and fairly, and they’d both failed.  Miserably. 

But at the time, she’d been too scared to deal with reasonable thoughts and courtesies. 
Which, she acknowledged, had only increased her terror because she’d gotten things so wrong.  So so very wrong! 

Amy rolled over again.  Her eyes felt like sandpaper but every time she closed her eyes, she couldn’t latch on to the elusive sleep. 
She should really give Walker the bed.  It wasn’t like she was actually using it.

But the idea of going downstairs again, of seeing the man she’d dreamed about so many nights while nurturing their daughter, and even after Lilly was born
…she was still scared.  Too many times Amy had woken up in a sweat with the sheets tangled around her legs with an aching need for Walker’s touch. 

Shaking her head, she dismissed those ideas.  She was a mother now.  Lilly came first.  She couldn’t have an affair with Walker again.  It was too dangerous.  They’d never been able to control themselves before and they had Lilly to think about now. 

Amy groaned, wishing her body would listen to her mind.  Just knowing that the man was steps away made her whole body come alive.  The anger and resentment was still there.  She needed answers, clarification.  But that was her mind.  Her body didn’t care about clarification.  Her body just wanted him.  Her body remembered the way he would touch her, demand more of her than she thought she could give and when she gave it to him, he would give her so much more. 

She groaned again, her eyes probably going cross-eyed as the memories of how hot she’d always gotten when he stepped through her door or when she’d been brave enough to go to his house.  She’d preferred being here at her place, feeling more secure.  There was just something different about being at his house.  The crazy passion between them seemed somehow less insane when she was on her own turf. 

She almost cried when the sun started creeping up over the horizon.  She didn’t want morning to arrive.  That meant she would have to see Walker.  To face him again.  She buried her head under the pillow, wishing that she could just ignore the day.  Pretend she didn’t have any responsibilities. 

But then Lilly started cooing and Amy knew that the day wasn’t going to grant her those wishes. 
The sun would rise and the world would continue moving, despite her need for a pause so she could catch her breath. 

Amy walked into Lilly’s room, a smile forming on her face as she saw Lilly pushing herself up with her hands.  Lilly was strong enough to roll herself over and back and the little lady rolle
d onto her back gain, her tiny arms and legs wiggling in the air with excitement at seeing her mother. 

“Good morning, little one,” Amy said softly, not wanting to wake Walker up too early.
 

“Is she okay?” Walker’s deep voice asked from the doorway.

Amy’s head jerked around, her mouth going dry when she saw Walker standing in the doorway clad only in his jeans.  His magnificent chest, covered with rippling muscles and a light coating of chest hair glistening in the early morning light. 

Lilly wasn’t willing to let Amy get away with a full look.  Her cries for assistance brought Amy’s attention back to her daughter. 

“She’s fine,” Amy replied, her voice croaking as she lifted Lilly into her arms.  “She just gets up early.  Usually before my alarm clock.”  Amy settled Lilly onto the small changing table, unzipping the fleece pajamas while grabbing a fresh diaper at the same time.  “Right sweety?  You don’t like sleeping in when the sun comes up.”  Amy bent down and gave Lilly a sloppy raspberry on her bare tummy, causing the little girl to giggle with delight at the familiar game. 

Walker stood there watching, his heart doing something weird in his chest while he watched the two women in his new life interact.  He wasn’t exactly sure what was happening to him.  His eyes were hung
rily devouring the interaction – the laughter and the delighted cries of his daughter – while at the same time, the lower regions of his body were reacting quickly to Amy’s bare legs sticking out of her purple night shirt, imagining what might be underneath.

For so long, he’d repressed sexual thoughts of Amy, too furious with her assumed actions to let him think
of her in a sexual way.  But seeing Lilly, incontrovertible evidence that Amy hadn’t ended the pregnancy, the basis for all of his anger, and those sexual thoughts couldn’t be repressed any longer.  In fact, they were stronger now than they had been before.  How that was even possible, he wasn’t sure. 

“Can you show me how to do this?” Walker asked, forcing his body back under his mind’s control.  He wanted to make Lilly laugh.  He wanted to learn to take care of her. 
If Sam, Brock or Colt could see him at this moment, eagerly wanting to learn to change a baby’s diaper, they would fall all over themselves laughing. 

He didn’t care.  This was his daughter.  This was Lilly!  If she needed something, he wanted to be there for her.  It was an astonishing realization. 

Amy’s startled glance looked up at him.  “You want to change her diaper?” she asked, her hand holding Lilly’s tummy to keep her in place.  She’d always thought men avoided dirty diapers like the plague. 

Walker nodded, looking from Amy to Lilly.  “I’d like to know everything,” he asserted with vehemence.  “I’m not walking away from Lilly, Amy.  I never wanted you to abort her.  I was livid that you would do it.  But now that I know that you didn’t, I’m thrilled and I want to be a part of her life.”

Amy heard the words that she’d prayed to hear so many times in the past but it was hard to believe it was finally true.  “Even changing her diaper?”

Walker looked down at Lilly who was still wiggling and smiling, trying to g
et Amy’s attention.  “Everything,” he said again, unaware of the slight grin that broke his stern features because of Lilly’s antics. 

Amy stared for another long moment,
then shrugged.  “Sure,” she said, then cleared her throat and said the word again because it hadn’t come out correctly.  Stepping out of the way, she waited for him to take her place in front of the table.  “Take the diaper, but keep hold of her like this,” she explained and showed him how to keep Lilly from rolling off of the changing table.  “She likes being naked so she moves her legs around, trying to keep you from putting on a new diaper.  But just be fast about it and she won’t be able to stop you.”

Walker took the diaper, all the while keeping a hand on Lilly
’s tummy.  He stared at the strange, plastic rectangle that Amy said was a diaper, but wasn’t sure what to do.  “Okay, so what’s next?” he asked. 

Amy smothered a laugh at the enormous man holding a tiny baby
with one hand and a diaper in the other.  “Open it up and put the back under her bottom.”

He looked down at Lilly who immediately smiled and wiggled again, then at the diaper.  “How does it open?”

Amy couldn’t help it this time.  The laugh escaped before she could stop it.  “Let me show you,” she said and stepped closer, opening the diaper and explaining the tabs.  With deft movements, she slid the diaper underneath Lilly’s tiny butt, swished it through her legs and had the tabs closed securely. 

Amy stepped back again, giving him room to hold Lilly on the changing table. 
“Now put her back in her pajamas.  She needs to eat before I dress her.”

“Why?” walker asked, impressed that Amy could diaper the
wiggly bundle so expertly.  Unfortunately, if Amy had provided an explanation for the eating then dressing timeline, he didn’t hear it.  Because her previous instruction was just as confounding.  He took one of Lilly’s pudgy legs and tried to put it back into her pajama leg, but the little darling giggled and wiggled, escaping from his hold.  She even seemed to be clapping her hands at her accomplishment.  He tried it again, careful not to hurt her but she was just too agile and he was too unsure on how to hold her still without hurting her. 

He sighed and looked down at the wiggling, giggling infant with amusement and awe. 
“How is it that I can tackle a criminal while slapping cuffs on him at the same time but putting a foot into a pajama leg is beyond me?” he stated, obviously confounded by the intricacies of dressing a baby.

Amy laughed and the
combined sound of Lilly’s giggling and gurgling along with Amy’s amusement caused that strange thing to happen in his chest again.  He considered that he might be having a heart attack, which wouldn’t be too far of a stretch after the past twenty-four hours. 

“Are you going to laugh or help me?” he asked, his eyes lighting up at her mischief. 

Amy shrugged.  “Not sure yet.  This is pretty funny.  And Lilly is enjoying it as well.”

Walker glanced down and, sure enough, Lilly was delighted with the game. 

Amy bit her lower lip, trying to keep her amusement to herself but it threatened to burst out of her with the giant man trying to glare his newfound daughter into submission.  “I told you, she likes being naked.”

“Not something I am going to encourage in my daughter,” he growled.  Again, Amy laughed, thinking it was hilarious that he was admonishing his six month old daughter to keep her clothes on. 

“I don’t think she understands you.   But she likes it, so keep it up.” 

Walker
changed tactics, turning to glare at Amy instead of Lilly, thinking she looked exceptionally hot with her hair all messed up like that, no makeup on and her long, slender legs crossed at the ankles as she leaned against the wall watching him.  He’d like to toss her over his shoulder and teach her about obedience, but he looked back down at his daughter.  “Okay, little lady.  Are we going to do this the hard way or the easy way?” he asked.