Inside Out (36 page)

L. I.

"IS IT AWFUl?" And then, before Nat could respond, she said, “No—please don’t say anything.”

“You’re still a beautiful woman, Lynn.”

Tears spiked Lynn’s eyes. Her fingers delicately traced the jagged line slashing down the right side of her face. It was still raw, not yet a scar. The plastic surgeon who’d performed this first in what was to be a long series of operations, considered it a success. The bandages had been removed today, nearly three weeks after Ross Varda’s death. Three weeks since Lynn had begun to remember.

“How’s Patricia doing?” she asked.

“She seems quite happy at the group home. There’s even a dog there, Noodles. She adores him.”

Lynn hesitated. “Does she still ask about her brother?”

“Not very much, I’m told.”

“I don’t hate him. Even now. My new therapist says I won’t really be over the trauma until I can feel angry. But right now, I feel too sad to be angry. He did love me. Me and Patricia. No one else mattered to him.”

“Lynn, he raped you when you were in Grafton.” Lynn might not feel angry, but Nat was filled with rage. “No matter who’d done that to you, it would have been abominable—but a doctor, your own psychiatrist, I can’t think of anything more reprehensible.”

“It’s true. Everything you say. But I honestly believed at the time he . . . cared about me. And he seemed in so much pain—” “You were the one who suffered, Lynn,” Nat was quick to interrupt.

Lynn nodded slowly as tears slipped down her marred cheeks. “Yes. Yes, I know.” She hesitated. “I’m not sorry he’s dead. Is that terrible?”

“No,” Nat assured her. “I’m not sorry, either.”

Lynn’s eyes met Nat’s. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Nat asked.

“For everything. I won’t forget what you’ve done for me. I’ll be eternally grateful.”

“I was doing my job,” Nat said, feeling awkward. Taking compliments had never been her strong suit.

Lynn smiled. “And you do it exceedingly well.”

Nat smiled back. “Thanks. That means a lot to me.”

Now both women felt a bit awkward. Lynn reached for a tissue and carefully dabbed at her eyes.

“Have you heard from Harrison Bell?” Nat asked.

Lynn’s hand dropped from her face. “That’s over.” She looked down at her hands. “I got a short note from him. He’s agreed to go into marital counseling with Carol. I’m glad. It’s the right thing. They have three kids, a home, a history. I don’t know if they can save their marriage but I believe Harrison very much wants to.”

“Sharon Johnson is working on a new placement for you. Dr. Madison says you’ll be released from the hospital in a few days. She advises a week home—”

“Home,” Lynn echoed wistfully.

“I know Horizon House is a far cry from—”

“No, no that’s not it. I... I had a visit from my mother yesterday.” She paused for a moment. “But you know that already.” Nat nodded. Lynn was still an inmate. All visitors had to be cleared and recorded. There was a corrections officer posted around the clock outside the door of Lynn’s private room.

“It’s very hard for her,” Lynn said. “She’s hoping my father will eventually relent and at least make some sort of contact with me, even if it’s only a get-well card. She wishes I could visit them in Westfield, but—” She sighed. “Seeing my mom is already more than I ever hoped for.”

“I understand you had another visitor yesterday.”

Lynn lifted an eyebrow, newly plucked, a sign of her feeling better. “You more than understand. You had to okay the visit.” “True.”

“It was strange seeing her again. Like seeing a ghost. I mean, I thought she was dead.” Lynn grinned. “Talk about being beautiful. My god, I wouldn’t have recognized her. I really wouldn’t.” “Yes, she is a looker,” Nat said with a laugh.

“I’ll never say anything. I was the one wholly at fault. I should never have married her in the first place. Bethany’s a good woman. I’m not thrilled with her husband’s politics—”

“That makes two of us.”

“But she deserves to be happy.” Lynn paused. “I told my mother about the visit. I thought she’d be stunned to learn Bethany was alive. But she wasn’t. My father told her. He also admitted that he took money from Daniel Milburne to ensure their silence about his wife’s previous marriage to their transsexual son. She’s ashamed about that, but then, shame is nothing new for my mother. I didn’t tell her it was my money, not Milburne’s.”

Nat put her hand over Lynn’s. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, I feel some of that buried anger bubbling up. That’s a good thing. See, I am getting better.”

“Yes, you are,” Nat said, meaning it.

“Did you know the police found my journal?” she asked after a while.

“Yes. It has to be held in evidence, but then it will be returned to you.”

“I’m thinking of trying to publish it. I don’t know if reading about my experiences will help anyone to understand me any better, understand what I’ve been through, but I hope it might. And, who knows, maybe it will help other women in my predicament.”

“I brought Hannah a doggy bone. Can she have it?”

The instant Hannah heard Jakey’s voice she was out from her favorite spot under Nat’s desk and bounding for the boy.

Jakey waited for Nat’s nod of okay, then gave the eager Hannah the bone. To be polite, Hannah stuck around long enough for Jakey to give her a pat on the head. Then, bone in mouth,

she hurried back under the desk to savor the treat in peace.

“How are you doing, Jakey?”

“Guess what?” he said brightly.

“What?”

“Dad says I can come with him when he comes to pick up Mom.”

Nat planted a bright and artificial smile on her face. “Hey, that’s super.”

He held up two fingers. “Just two more weeks. And she’s never coming back here. That’s what Suz . . . Mom told me. I hope you won’t be too sad. You could still be her friend.”

“Yes, of course I can.” Nat struggled to keep her smile in place. She knew it was a good thing that Suzanne had finally told Jakey the truth. Suzanne had made the decision when she was in the hospital after her suicide attempt and told Jakey about being his mom as soon as she got back to Horizon House. Jakey took the news with amazing aplomb. He’d always wanted a mommy and now he had one. Simple as that. Since then, Jakey had come to visit her each week. Being a mom had transformed Suzanne. Nat actually did think she had a real chance to make it this time. Of course, she’d been proven wrong in the past, but without optimism, Nat knew she could not survive in her job.

“Hey, guess what, Natalie?” Jakey intruded into her thoughts. “Gramma’s gonna make lasagna.”

Nat gave up even the pretense of a smile. “I bet your mom will love it.”

“Sure she will,” he said confidently. “You do. Daddy says it’s your favorite. You’re gonna come, too, right?”

“Well ... I don’t think I can, Jakey.”
I’ll be too busy nursing my broken heart.

“Sure you can, Natalie.” Nat looked over to see Leo standing at the door.

It was all she could do not to break down and cry.

“I’m gonna go back and play checkers with Mom,” Jakey said. He scurried over to the door, then looked back at Nat. “You know, Patricia wasn’t mean to me when I stayed with her that time. She taught me how to play checkers. And she let me eat two candy bars for breakfast.”

Leo closed the door after Jakey ran off to be with his mother. “I expected nightmares, all kinds of emotional problems, but the kid is amazing.”

“Yes. Yes, he is.” She looked away.

“Natalie—”

She held up a hand. “Leo, it’s all right. Really. Now, I need to get back to work—”

“She’s his mother—”

“I know that,” she snapped, then immediately was ashamed of her outburst.

“I want Jakey to have a relationship with her,” he went on in the same even tone. “It will be good for Jakey and it will be good for Suzanne.”

She nodded, not trusting her voice.

“I’m not going to tell you things will be exactly the same with us—you and me—as they were before. But I still want there to be a ‘you and me,’ Natalie. What about you? What do you want?”

She smiled crookedly. “Talk about a loaded question.”

He smiled back. “Yeah.” And then his smile faded. “So?” Their eyes met and held. “Why don’t we see how it goes?” Leo didn’t respond.

“It’s an answer, Leo. It’s the best I can do.”

“I guess I can’t ask for more than that, Natalie.”