Insatiable (25 page)

She looked around the room, and out at the expansive yard. This was her home, she'd put the down payment on it, she was responsible for the mortgage. Not some lunatic who liked dredging up the past. It was time to take her life back, she'd been too vulnerable these past few days. First there was Liam's terrible ordeal, then she fell ill, and finally she had come home to find that some creep had tried to ruin her sanctuary. Not going to happen. 
I'm not going to put up with anymore bullshit,
 she cursed to herself. 

"I think I should stay here." 

"No Liam. I wish I'd never shown you that photograph." 

"Why not?" 

"Because now you're in defensive mode. I don’t need a man to rescue me,  Liam. I thought by now you'd have figured that out. I'm not helpless, I know how to defend myself and I know how to keep my friends safe. So there's no reason for you to stay here all day." 

She glared at him, set her cup of tea on the table and stormed out of the room. This was why she'd kept to herself all these years. She didn't want to have to depend on anyone to keep her safe. She could do it all, she wanted no help. Liam's ordeal in New York had brought about her sensitive side, the side that she kept hidden, but only when it came to men. When she was picking up a woman from the hospital who'd just been beaten, she was different. Being sensitive towards a woman who'd just been abused was par for the course and she wouldn’t have it any other way. But this was different, if anybody came near her place ever again, she knew what she would do, it was simple. She'd blow their brains out. 

She had stormed over to her apartment and was sitting on her bed stewing when Liam stormed in after her. He wanted her to listen to reason, needed her to listen to it. "Aurora, I'm staying here with you so that I can watch the house." 

She could see the glint in his eyes, it was a strong determination. 

"I thought I made it clear that I don’t need you to protect me. Maybe you forgot that I know how to use a gun? And I use it very well I might add." 

"When was the last time you shot it Aurora?" 

"You want to find out? Come closer and see what happens." 

Her words stung him. "Aurora, I only want to help. Why won't you let me?" 

"Because Liam, I'm not some whiny female who's in need of a knight in shining armor. That's why." 

"Aurora there's nothing wrong with letting someone help you. It's not a sign of weakness you know." 

"I'm a big girl Liam, I don’t need you or any other man to rescue or protect me." She walked him down the stairs and to the front door. 

"Now go and do your errands. You've got to get yourself a new cell phone and take care of things on your end Liam. You've been through quite a lot these past few days, and you need to take some time for yourself. So please go, I'll speak to you later." 

"Fine, have it your way. For now," he said. 

She allowed him to give her a kiss on the lips before leaving. 

"Will you at least lock the door after I leave?" 

"Yup." 

She stomped inside, and twisted the lock. 

The woman was driving him crazy. She'd been so tender and loving back at his place and now it was as if all hell had broken loose and she was back in survival mode. What little bit of her heart she had chosen to open up to him was now locked away again. Even though she'd abruptly shut him out again, he understood where she was coming from.

Of course, seeing that disgusting photograph of her husband had not helped one bit. Add to that the accusatory attitude of the sheriff; she was bound to revert back into toughness. He had to let her know that it was alright to let him in, that she wasn’t weak for accepting his help. He'd do what she asked and get some errands done and when he was finished he'd come back out to her place. Something told him that Aurora would have to learn the hard way that it was alright to accept his help. 

Chapter Sixteen 

"Have any of you ladies ever heard of the old adage, give him an inch and he'll take a mile?" Jean asked. It was early evening and she'd come to 
Aurora's Place
 for her usual session. 

When they all nodded their heads she continued. "Each time you tolerate a man's abuse, you're enabling him to do it again. And I think we all know that things will only get worse. Now Mari, let's talk about how you feel now that your husband is gone. But he's not just gone as in out of your life, he was brutally murdered." Jean looked at her with sympathetic eyes. "How are you?" She asked and rested her hand on her shoulder. 

Mari shuddered as a cold chill ran down her spine. No one had brought up his name in a day or so and she liked not having to hear it. But Jean was sitting in front of her now, asking her how she felt about it all. There was no shame in how she really felt, she knew that. But feeling it and coming out and saying it was something entirely different, but she supposed that she had to try. 

"I'm doing alright," she said. A soft chuckle escaped her lips. "You know, Ronnie's family doesn’t want me at the funeral and that’s fine with me. I'm still waiting for a heavy burden of guilt to find me but so far it hasn’t. Am I wrong to think that? Am I going to burn in hell because my husband's death isn’t consuming me?" Mari looked to Jean for reassurance. 

"No Mari, you're not wrong for feeling no sense of guilt. And that doesn’t make you a bad person. What it makes you is a strong person. We all deal with grief in our own way and I suppose that your heart is telling you that you've been grieving for over two years. Even before you and Ronnie were married I think that you've been grieving. Your grief and sorrow started the first time that he hit you, didn’t it Mari?" 

Mari nodded and put her head down in shame. Jean placed her hand under Mari's chin and gently lifted it. 

"There's no reason to be ashamed Mari. No one is here to judge, we're all just talking and trying to be there for one another. Don’t ever forget that." 

"You know," Mari continued. "I got in the relationship with Ronnie because I was afraid of being alone. Looking back now I realize that by doing that, I was only masking my own personal issues. It wasn’t long after we started dating that I thought about breaking things off, but then he got called to duty and I felt obligated to stay. He told me that I was the only true thing in his life and if he had to go away not knowing whether or not I'd be here when he got back, it would devastate him. So he made me promise that I would be there for him when he got back.

And I was, I was there for him every time that he called, I read all of his letters and wrote him back each and every day, and at first his letters were full of hope and love. But then he started writing me telling me that I better not be talking to any other guys, or he would tell me that someone in his family told him that they'd seen me out with other men. I never understood why his family would tell him such blatant lies." 

"But they didn’t, Mari. He made up those lies himself. That is often what abusers do. You see, at first the jealously seems natural, innocent, and yes a bit flattering. But then it turns into something far more sinister, it is his way of controlling you. It's normal for people to feel those tiny pangs of jealously every now and again, but for the abuser those feelings of jealously seem to consume them. And they soon become obsessed with the possibility that their significant other is cheating on them. It's because of the poor self-image that they are carrying; it makes them become insanely jealous." 

"Do you think it has to do with his childhood?" Rosie asked. She wondered if the same fell true for her ex, Landon. 

"That may very well be Rosie. He may have been neglected as a child, abused, or maybe he didn’t receive enough attention from his mother while growing up. Those are contributing factors, absolutely. But what I want to hear from you Mari, is how are you coping? Deep down, how do you feel?" 

"I feel alright, Jean. When the police told me that Ronnie had been murdered, I was in shock. I mean he had been my Ronnie, and the way that he died left me with more questions than answers. But later on that night when I was alone, I had myself a good cry, it was cleansing actually. I thought about the last time that he hit me." Mari raised her hands above her head in a flailing motion. "All these images kept going around in my head, and they were all so vivid.

I swear I remembered each and every time that he beat and degraded me. And if I was back in the home that we shared, I could probably show you each and every spot where I fell. But what stuck more in my mind than even that, was the look on his face before, during and after. It was such a look of satisfaction on his part. You know that look someone gets when they've won? Or when they've accomplished a huge task? That's the look that Ronnie used to get and it makes me sick to even think about it.

Not once was there an 
I'm sorry.
 It was always, 
Well… if you weren’t such a nag… or if you'd only gotten out of my way…
 every time after he'd beat me I'd think about grabbing a knife and slicing that sick expression off of his face. I know that probably sounds extreme, but that's how I felt, and you asked me how I felt Jean. But that was back then. Today, right now,  I feel like I can live the rest of my life Ronnie free,  and that is a feeling that I never want to let go of. So, to answer your question, I feel good, I really do. Call me selfish but I'm not going to stop my life because he's dead." 

"You should feel proud of yourself after getting all of that out," Aurora praised her. 

"I have to say Jean; these are two of the strongest women that I've ever met." 

"I'd have to agree with you on that one Aurora, although I'd change the number from two to three," she smiled. 

"Well thank you." 

"How are you and Liam getting along?" 

"Things are going fine." 

Aurora couldn’t help but smile, she had spoken about Liam very briefly to Jean. She didn’t want to turn the therapy sessions into gossip sessions and she certainly didn’t want to impose on Mari and Rosie's therapy sittings. They needed to know that they had someone to talk to and with the way things were progressing she was sure that they would soon go off on their own. She was dreading that day though, she had grown quite fond of them both and wanted them to stay however long they wanted or needed. 

Aurora quickly changed the subject and brought up an even more important one. "Jean, have these ladies told you about their very charming, positive, patient, and did I mention handsome, male suitors?" 

Mari and Rosie blushed at the mention of the Martin and Nick. 

"They have, and I just want to tell the both of you to take things very slow. I know that it all seems easy, but that can change overnight. Just take things slow and we've talked about the signs and what to look for. But I think you've both attracted fine choices of men. I know both Nick and Martin, and might I say they are two pretty great guys, but I don’t know how they are behind closed doors. That is something that I'll leave to the two of you," she grinned.

"Ladies, you're both young and beautiful women. Now that you are both free, real love is within your reach. But it is also worth waiting for. Sometimes we think that other people can make us feel a certain way, but it’s a delusion. No one can make you feel a certain way, good or bad, unless you allow it. Those good feelings come from the inside, not the outside. If you’re not feeling good about yourself from the beginning, no one but you can change that. You have to figure out what is making you feel empty then find what makes you feel good before embarking on a new relationship. So just keep that in mind ladies, and if you do, slowly but surely everything else will fall into place." 

"Aurora, you look exhausted." Mari walked into Aurora's office and took a seat. 

"I am," she said and let a yawn escape her. "But I've got to finish writing these checks and then I've got to pay some bills online." 

Mari rolled the office chair next to Aurora. "Tell me what needs to be paid, give me the account numbers and I'll take care of it. I am a whiz with paying bills and accounting. That's one thing I always took care of." 

"You sure?" Aurora was too tired to argue. She'd been too exhausted to even think about how she treated Liam earlier. 
I did let him kiss me goodbye
, she thought to herself. 

"Yes I'm sure. Go and get some sleep." 

Aurora pulled open a desk drawer and pointed to a binder. You'll find everything you need in there. I really appreciate this Mari, thank you so much." 

"No problem, I'm nowhere near tired and since Rosie is busy planning the Thanksgiving menu, this gives me something to do. Now go and get some sleep. We'll see you in the morning." 

Aurora slapped a hand against her forehead. "I haven’t even thought about Thanksgiving, I completely forgot. Okay, I'm way too tired to even think about it, but first thing tomorrow we'll plan it all out. Good night ladies, and thanks again. Don’t forget to lock up behind me." 

"Sure thing," Rosie said and walked her to the door. 

The night was blustery cold and she wrapped her sweater around her tighter. "Time to break out the winter coats," she said through chattering teeth. The cold air momentarily took away her exhaustion, but it returned the moment she stepped inside the warm loft. A hot shower and a cup of chamomile tea, and she'd sleep like a baby. An hour and a half later, she was out like a light.

She was dreaming about Liam and all the naughty things she wanted to do to him, while soft moans escaped her mouth, she inadvertently spread her legs and squeezed her pillow tighter. She was upstairs sleeping heavily when someone crept up to her door and, using a credit card managed to unlock it.

The moon outside provided plenty of light for him to see. He stumbled at the foot of the stairs and stood still for a moment. He didn’t want to wake her, not yet anyway. With one hand he held onto the banister and slowly made his way up the stairs. He stood at the foot of the bed for a moment and watched her as she slept. She looked like she was having the most delicious dream and for a moment he felt bad about having to disturb her.