Infinite Repeat
Authors: Paula Stokes
Contents
M
y girlfriend is coming to see me after three weeks of being away, and all I can think about is death. I see blood. Hear sirens. I rest my head in my hands, helplessness overwhelming me just as it did that night six years ago.
Not your fault
, I tell myself. If only I believed it.
I look up as a white Jeep Cherokee turns the corner onto my street, the tires squealing on the damp pavement. The vehicle slows to a stop, the taillights glowing red for a moment as Amber hits the brake pedal before shifting into
PARK
.
Red like blood.
No.
Enough, Micah
. I force myself to focus on Amber. I can’t believe she’s finally home.
I can’t believe she picked tonight of all nights to come back.
She kills the engine, flips off her headlights, and the whole scene goes dark. Glancing up, I notice that the streetlight in front of our apartment building is broken as usual. I run my fingers through my mohawk and then tuck both hands into the center pocket of my hoodie, suddenly wishing I’d left the sweatshirt inside. The combination of nerves and warm spring night is making me a little sweaty. I swear under my breath. It’s stupid to be nervous. Amber and I texted every day while she was in Los Angeles. It’s not like anything will be different.
Her blonde hair swishes out behind her like a comet as she cuts across the front lawn. She’s wearing some kind of slinky black dress instead of her usual ripped jeans and T-shirt, and I wonder if she put it on just for me.
Her whole face lights up when she sees me on the porch. “Micah!” She half gallops across the grass.
I scramble to my feet as she approaches, pasting a half smile on my face. There’s something else different about her, not just her clothes, but I can’t put my finger on it. “Hey,” I say finally.
“I missed you.” Amber flings her slender body into my arms, her face ending up against my neck, her silky hair brushing softly against my cheek.
“Missed you too.” I inhale the scent of her lilac perfume as I wrap my arms around her and lift her a foot off the ground. I can feel her ribs through the back of her dress. Well, that’s different. “Damn. Did they starve you?”
She giggles as I set her back on the ground. “No, silly. We were just so busy between recording and practicing and meeting people that I might have missed a few meals.”
I push her hair back from her face. “Don’t miss any more, okay? Wouldn’t want you to disappear.”
“No chance.” She twines her arms around the small of my back and stretches up on her tiptoes to kiss me. As our lips meet, my nerves fade away completely. Amber is back. Everything is the same.
Everything is normal again.
Until I remember what night it is.
We end up hanging out on the porch so we can smoke. My mom is a bloodhound when it comes to cigarette smoke, no matter how much air freshener and perfume we try to cover it up with. It’s safer out here, anyway. There’s less stuff that reminds me of my dad.
Amber leans her head against my shoulder. “So what have you been doing?” she asks. “Catch me up.”
I inhale deeply, watching the tip of my cigarette glow bright orange. “I’ve been going to school and working. There—all caught up.”
“School. Bleh. I wish I didn’t have to go back.” She takes the cigarette from my outstretched hand.
I laugh lightly. “I wasn’t sure if you
were
going back. Didn’t you say something about touring?” Amber spent the last three weeks in LA with the rest of her band, Arachne’s Revenge, recording their first studio album.
“Yeah, but the first single isn’t releasing until the end of the summer. Janne—that’s the guy from the label who’s managing us right now—says he’s scheduling a few dates for us over the fall and winter breaks, and then we’ll hopefully be doing a full tour next year after we graduate.” She rolls her eyes. “And I get off probation. I’d start touring right away if I could, but even if my parents let me bail on school, there’s no way Eli or Damien could tour now. Eli’s mom is still talking about making him quit the band to prepare for Stanford.”
“Wow. You’d really drop out?” I ask.
“Maybe. You know school and I don’t get along.”
Amber goes to a performing-arts magnet school in the city. I always figured her classes were total cake. I mean, she gets graded on singing and playing the violin, two things she does for fun in her free time. What could be better than that?
She exhales a stream of smoke. “If I get in trouble again, I’ll probably get kicked out. Better to have dropping out on your record than expulsion, right?”
I take the cigarette and flick a bit of ash down to the concrete porch. She’s been suspended twice: once for streaking through the school cafeteria as part of a group dare and once when she got caught with a joint in her purse. The school pressed charges on the drug possession, and that’s how I met her—doing community service.
“There’s always the option of not getting in trouble,” I suggest.
We both snort at the unlikelihood of that.
“Maybe I can behave for another year,” she says. “Just knowing we’ve got a shot at hitting it big if I don’t do anything stupid. Sometimes I can’t even believe my own life.”
A flash of jealousy strikes me, and immediately I feel like a dick. I took some guitar lessons back in elementary school but quickly got bored with practicing. I like listening to music way more than making it, so it’s not like I’m envious of Amber’s success. I think it’s just the idea that suddenly everything is working out for her. When we met, both of us had screwed up big-time, and we joked about how if something could go wrong, it would. Now she’s becoming this golden child and I still feel . . . cursed. I have my own dreams too, but most of the time I feel like that’s all they’ll ever be.
I push away my jealousy. “So tell me about your trip, Ms. Famous Rock Star.” I pass her the cigarette. “Your turn to catch
me
up.”
Amber inhales and then grinds the cigarette out on the porch. Turning toward me, she tosses her hair back from her face. “Cali was amazing. LA is so sunny and fast-paced. Everything is moving at warp speed . . . except the traffic.” Her phone buzzes with a text and she pauses to fish it out of her purse. Her heart-shaped mouth unfolds into a smile as she reads the message. “Just Nate,” she explains.
“Oh.” Nate is the newest member of the band—their bassist. Amber’s friend Cynthia used to play bass, but she graduated last year and went off to some special music school in Pennsylvania. Amber laughs to herself as she composes a quick reply, and for a second I wonder if I have something to worry about. Nate is nineteen and works as a bar back at Alpha, the pizza place across the street from my favorite local club. Whenever I go in there, he always seems to have a flock of girls hanging on his every word. To me he’s nothing special, but girls aren’t known for being logical when it comes to guys.
“Sorry.” Amber sets her phone down on the porch. “Anyway, Janne took all four of us around when we weren’t recording: Rodeo Drive, Universal Studios, the Hollywood sign. It was monumental.”
“Literally,” I point out.
“Huh?” She cocks her head.
“Forget it. Bad joke.”
I hear the soft, sliding sound of a window opening behind me. I glance over my shoulder, but no one’s looking out. I pause a moment, listening for movement, but it’s just me and Amber, and a few crickets bold enough to brave an unpredictable St. Louis spring night.
She looks down at her lap and then up at the sky. “I finally felt like someone, Micah. Like I mattered.”
“You don’t need a record deal to matter.”
“I know,” she says. “It’s hard to explain. But it’s like everything else has been leading up to this moment. Before it, I had no purpose. No reason to exist.”
I take her hand and give it a gentle squeeze. “Not true, but I get it.” I would probably feel the same way if I didn’t have my mom and sister to take care of. Not that they need taking care of—they’re both very tough chicks. But after my dad died, I kind of let them down for a while. I’m trying to do better now, to be the kind of guy my dad was.
To be the kind of guy he’d want me to be.
I never even got to say good-bye to him.
And there I go again. The sirens from that night crescendo in my head. Louder. Sharper. Like scalpel blades cutting into my brain.
Amber is still talking about Los Angeles, oblivious that my past is drowning out her words. My hands clench into fists. I need to scream. Or break things.
This is always how it starts.
Now she’s leaning her whole body against me, the warmth of her bare leg radiating through my jeans. I stare at the hem of her dress for a moment, at her perfect knee, her perfect thigh. She is perfect tonight and I am . . .
Not.
“Sounds like a tiring trip. You’re probably ready to crash.” I fake a yawn.
“I’m pretty hyped up actually.” Amber points at the curb in front of the building where there’s an open space between my ’65 Ford Mustang and the neighbor’s pickup truck. “Your mom is working late, huh?” She presses her body even tighter against me.
“I—yeah,” I fumble. “The diner.”
“So then how about we go inside?” Amber’s voice is smoky. She traces the tattoo on my neck with one fingertip, the soft pressure of her touch sending a jolt of chills down my spine. “I want to show you how much I missed you.”
“Oh.” Animal instinct takes over for a few seconds. I consider how quickly I could get Amber into my bedroom and peel that dress from her body. There’s still plenty of time before my mom gets home. My little sister is probably asleep. To say I’m not in the mood is an understatement, but hey, it would probably distract me at least.
Unless it didn’t.
I imagine losing my shit in the middle of hooking up, like starting to cry or something. Yeah, that’s not happening. Besides, even if I could keep it together, it’s not cool to use a girl like that. “I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t want to,” I say. “But my sister—”
“Won’t care,” Amber finishes. She turns and presses her lips to the scar on my right temple. I always thought of scar tissue as a buildup of dead skin, but that area is surprisingly sensitive.
“Amber,” I try again. Protocol here is tricky. Are you even allowed to refuse your girlfriend if you haven’t seen her in almost a month? “I’m actually not feeling so good. Might be getting sick.” I cough into my hand.
Her eyes narrow. “Really? You’ve never been too sick before.” She takes my hand in both of hers and brings it up to her mouth, pressing her lips to my fingertips.
They come away red with lipstick.
Flinching, I pull my hand back. There’s no reason for her to know what today signifies. We’ve been dating for about eight months, so of course she knows how my dad died, but she doesn’t know all the specifics. Still, it surprises me that she can’t tell there’s something on my mind.
It surprises me that I haven’t told her what it is.
“I’m sorry.” I inch slightly away from her on the steps. “Tonight’s just not a good night.”
Hurt flashes across her pretty face. “What is it, Micah? What’s wrong?”
Finally. I rub my lipstick-smudged hand on my jeans. “It’s no big deal,” I say, the words sounding like complete bullshit even to my own ears. “Tonight is—I mean I told you before about—” As I struggle to come up with the right way to phrase it, Amber’s phone buzzes again.
She glances down at it. “Sorry. We started working on a new song in Cali and Nate has a lot of questions.” She types out another response.
“Sounds like you two got pretty tight in
Cali
.” I can’t keep the sarcasm from bleeding into my voice.
She looks up quickly. “Wait. That’s not—You’re not worried about Nate, are you?” She sets her phone back on the porch. “I know he can be a flirt, but he’s totally just a friend.”
“No, that’s not it,” I say. But suddenly the words that were fumbling around on my tongue are gone, and I can’t seem to find them again.
Amber chews on her lower lip, a gesture that makes her look more like fourteen instead of seventeen. “It’s not another girl, is it?”
I laugh at the thought. Girls tend to find me hot for some reason, but I’ve got no game when it comes to actually meeting them. I’m still not even sure how I ended up dating Amber. We went from friends to more than friends in this hazy blur of volunteer work, concerts, and after-parties. “Hell no. It’s just me being stupid. I promise I’ll have my shit together in the next couple of days,” I say. “So . . . rain check?”
She plasters a fake smile across her face, but I can see in the tilt of her chin and slump of her shoulders that she’s still hurt. “I guess,” she says lightly. “If you insist on torturing me.”
“Only a little.” I ruffle her hair. “Maybe we can hang out tomorrow after I get off work?”
“Maybe. But this weekend is looking packed.” Amber slips her phone back into her purse and lifts herself gracefully from the porch. She brushes invisible dust from her dress. “I’ve got practice all day tomorrow and then my parents want me to do family stuff on Sunday.”
“What about next weekend?” I press.
Her eyes brighten. “Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. Janne got us a gig with Bottlegrate for next Saturday night.”
“They’re playing here next weekend? I thought they were coming in June.”
“No, they are. The show is in Chicago.”
“Wow. Nice. Are you guys all driving up there together?”
“Dark Days Records is flying us there.” She looks hopefully at me. “I could ask if they might be able to get you a ticket too.”
“I wish.” Another needle of jealousy lodges in my gut. “I have to work.”
“Oh.” Her shoulders slump a little farther.
“But I’m sure you’ll have an awesome time.” I give her a light kiss on the cheek. “Come on. I’ll walk you to your car.”
We stand pressed together against the side of her Jeep for a few minutes. It feels good to have Amber back, but I can’t quite shake the feeling that something is off. I tell myself it’s just about tonight, about my head being trapped in dark places while she’s fresh off this amazing trip and glowing like a supernova.