Infinite Day (62 page)

Betafor paused. “I am grateful, Captain. But I do not understand why he did that. He was free. He could have left us and gone wherever he wanted.”

Luke shook his head. “He found that he wasn't free. And when you
do
understand why he did it, you will be close to being human.”

She made no answer.

Merral got to his feet. “Luke, I have to see Abilana and check on the wounded. And then . . .” He gave a deep sigh. “Then, I'm going to get out of this armor. I've had quite enough of death and war.”

Merral found that, while it was easy to take off the armor, it was less easy to have done with death and war. He assisted Luke as the pale forms of Slee and Ilyas were sealed up in body bags and placed in Freezer Two. Then the two of them supervised the cleaning out of the cabins. In Slee's they found sketchbooks, and Merral made a promise that they would go to the Isterrane Art Gallery.
People will want to see them. Extraordinary events render even the ordinary remarkable, and these are more than ordinary
. He recovered Azeras's flag and took it to his room, and there as the grayness of deeper Below-Space gathered and thickened, Merral's spirits sank.

A few hours later, a weary-looking Abilana visited him and gave him the list of injuries among the team. None were life threatening, but some required surgical operations, something she was reluctant to do in Below-Space. “Working with gray blood is just too much, even with robo-surgeons,” she said with a firm quietness.

A consultation with Laura suggested that a brief surface visit would also be useful to check the ship for any damage from the explosion. Merral agreed that as soon as they were clear of the Sarata system, they would surface.

Early the next morning, Luke presided over a service of remembrance for Slee, Ilyas, and Azeras, but Merral found that it brought him little comfort. He knew he was struggling with questions that needed answering. However, there were other pressing matters for him to deal with, and he pushed aside his personal concerns.

Merral decided that the time had come to hold two necessary but unwelcome interviews. For reasons that he didn't specify to Lloyd, who sat outside his office, he drew the blinds open on the hyperglass.

He called Anya first and sat behind the desk waiting for her. She came in and stood awkwardly in front of his desk, staring at her feet.

Merral motioned her to a chair.

“I'll stand,” she said.

“Let me explain,” he began. “The only people who know of what happened yesterday are me, Lloyd, and Vero. And Luke.”

“Inevitably.” The word had a sting of bitterness.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you tell Luke everything. He's the man you get to deal with things . . .” The sentence was unfinished, but he got the meaning:
that you are unable to handle
.

“That's . . . a little untrue.”
I mustn't get angry
. “But I do value his counsel.” He paused. “As commander of this operation, I am charged with maintaining the well-being of my crew. That is not an easy task. I am not trained for it.”
I am forced onto the defensive already!

She continued to stare at her feet, and he went on. “Anyway, none of us wants to make anything of what happened in the passageway. But I want to address it.”

“I feel I'm on trial.”

“
No
. This is not in any sense a court. Look, how do you feel about what happened?”

She shook her head and stared down at her feet again. “I feel bad about it. I really do. I was already shaken from those Krallen. And that baziliarch appeared.” She gave him a bitter look. “I knew that Slee was dead. It was too much. I ran.” He saw tears in her eyes.

“It made no real difference,” Merral said as softly as he could. “He died instantly of massive internal injuries, and there was nothing we could have done about it. I guess we've learned that this isn't your sort of thing.”

Now she looked at him, and he saw distress in her watery eyes. “No, it isn't, Merral. I shouldn't have come. I was a coward.”

“You entered the Blade. That is hardly cowardice.”

“
I
set my standards. Not you, not others.”

“
You
set your standards? Or your sister?”

She glared at him, and then looked away. “Yes, if I was just anyone from anywhere, I'd be judged a hero first class.” Her mouth tightened. “But I'm not, am I? I'm the sister of the Perena Lewitz who saved a planet. I'm judged by
her
standard.”

“Look,” Merral said, trying to sound gentle, “fighting is over, at least this side of Farholme. We will talk about the journey beyond later. Anya, the matter is closed.”

“Is it?” she retorted. “Perhaps for you. But not for me.”

“I think it might be helpful if you talk to someone about it.”

“Luke?”

“He is the wisest person on this ship.”

“Perhaps.” Then she rose and, with a terse “Thanks,” left.

For some time after she had gone, Merral sat at his desk, staring into space. “Give me trees, Lord, to work with,” he murmured.

Then, bracing himself, he placed two chairs in front of the desk and called Lloyd. “Sergeant, send in Isabella.”

“Wouldn't you prefer a Krallen, sir?”

“
What
did you say, Sergeant?”

“Slip of the tongue, sir. I'll get her now.”

Merral stood by the door to welcome Isabella. Each liaison project delegate—the word
hostage
was no longer used—had been issued a standard two-piece overall suit. Merral had considered them rather shapeless pieces of clothing, but he saw that somehow Isabella had put creases in hers so that she looked striking, and she had even managed to get her hair trimmed.

“Isabella,” he said as he took her hand and beckoned her into his office. She took one chair and sat upright on it, looking forward.

“It's good to see you,” he said. “You have no idea how relieved I am to get you all back.” But as he said it, he realized the words seemed hollow.

“I need to thank you. I had never considered a rescue possible.” Yet he heard no gratitude in her tone, and her gray eyes were hard.

Trying to build some sort of bridge between them, Merral asked her about her health and her cabin and then expressed the hope that she wouldn't find the return journey too unpleasant.

Her responses were polite but cool, and in the end, he tried another tack. “Isabella, I must take some responsibility for what happened at Langerstrand. I had my suspicions about the ambassadors. But I didn't know everything. Vero kept me very much in the dark. And even if I had known, I couldn't have told you.”

“It would have been helpful if you had. But that's all past now.” Somehow her tone denied the words. “But why did you kill the ambassadors?”

What?
“I'm sorry?”

“You heard me. Why did you kill the ambassadors?”

“
Good grief
. We killed one . . . Tinternli.”

“The woman.”

“She was more machine than woman. She attacked us. They had already killed a thousand people at Tantaravekat.” He was suddenly aware of something. “Look, is all this news to you?”

“
Your
version is.”

“
My version?
” He stared at her for a long time, realizing that once more he was out of his depth. “So if I told you that they . . . were going to destroy all Farholme, that they had Krallen armies ready to rip us to shreds, that . . . they besieged Ynysmant—would you believe any of that?”

She stared back at him. “Merral, I have been lied to repeatedly now for . . . what, two months? By your own admission, you didn't tell me all you knew about Langerstrand. And Lezaroth was a liar. Although maybe some of what he said was true. I'm not sure what I believe now.”

Merral noticed that he was shaking his head. “We have imagery, accounts, eyewitness testimony. Most of the soldiers on this ship fought. Ask them.”

She said nothing, and he went on. “Over the next few days, we will be debriefing every delegate on an individual basis. You will have a chance at those meetings to express your concerns.”

“Fine.” She gazed around with hard eyes. “This ship—how did you get it?”

“We seized it.”

“How?”

“We tricked the captain and got on board.”

“What happened to him?”

“He . . . got himself shot.”

“I see. Did you kill many people?” Beneath the mild tone was anger.

“Three others; they attacked us. We
were
trying to rescue you. Remember?”

“I'm not saying I'm not grateful. I'm just asking questions. What about the rest of the crew?”

“We left them on a derelict world. They should be safe.”

“You . . . marooned them?”

“Yes.”

“You've changed, Merral. You've become much harder.”

It is hard to disagree with that
. “We all have.”

In the silence that fell between them he saw that she was close to tears. She clenched her fist. “I feel angry . . . and bitter about being used. I trusted you. We made a commitment that turned out to be worth nothing to you. Then you let me go into danger so your own schemes could work.”

He saw a terrible look of hurt passion in her eyes. “You tricked me. I was disposable. Then Lezaroth did the same. He made promises. How I could help the Dominion and the Assembly find peace. But all
he
wanted was information.” She turned her eyes on him. “You know, you and Lezaroth have a lot in common.”

In utter consternation, Merral got to his feet and walked around to the back of his desk.

“Look . . . Isabella, this . . . is going to take time. I don't think this is serving any real purpose. You've had a traumatic time.”

“So that's it, is it? I'm
traumatized
?”

“I think you'd find it helpful to talk to Luke. The chaplain . . .”

“Yes. Of course.
Luke
.” She rose and walked stiffly to the door. “Thanks for rescuing me. Of course, if you'd been honest with me in the first place, it wouldn't have been necessary.”

Later, Luke came to Merral's office. The chaplain just shook his head when he heard what had happened. “And what did you say to that?” he asked.

Merral leaned forward and put his head in his hands. “Nothing. I was genuinely speechless. Luke, I have spoken to the lord-emperor. I have rebuked baziliarchs. But here . . . words just failed me.” He banged his fist on the table. “How many billion kilometers did we come to rescue her?”

Luke shook his head. “We came because of
all
of them, Merral. We came because we are the Assembly, and it's what we do. We have a pattern to follow here. Saving the lost, the Good Shepherd . . . that sort of thing.”

“True.”

“If it's any consolation, it's not just you. I've heard that she has become a problem. I've been in on two of the debriefings. Both delegates mentioned independently that Isabella became isolated.”

“So it's her, not me?”

“Be careful with the blame. The suggestion is that Lezaroth groomed her to try to get at you. But I will try to meet with her.”

“Thank you. Luke, she said something else. Just now I dismissed it, but it has nagged at me since. She said, ‘You and Lezaroth have a lot in common.' Is that true?”

“I think you have some way to go yet. But she touches on a truth that needs heeding. War brings out the worst in human beings. We must always be wary that we do not become like our enemies.”