Indiscretion: Volume Four (18 page)

“I am. You are?” I asked, narrowing my gaze.

“Sorry, name’s Gabe. Chloe and I go way back.” He glanced at his paint-speckled hands and gave a small smile. “I’d shake your hand, but I’d get paint all over you.”

Gabe
. I ran the name over in my head and finally remembered. He was the one that had tried to kiss Chloe last summer. I pursed my lips. Was she dating this guy now?

“Nice to meet you,” I lied.

“Glad to see you finally came to your senses, man. You’re looking well.” He motioned toward me.

I ignored the first comment. It wasn’t any of his fucking business. “Yeah, I’m feeling good these days. Any chance you know where she might be?”

“Sorry. I’m just helping her out, painting the living room, but the paint fumes were bugging her. She said she was gonna go get some fresh air…something about going somewhere that always made her feel better.” He put his hands up to his sides like he had no idea what that could mean.

But I had a pretty good idea where I could find her. I told him where I needed to go and got directions, jumping back in my car, more than ready to go find my girl.

When I pushed through the trees at the edge of the opening near Jordan Pond, she was there. My breath stuck in my chest and I stood admiring her golden hair as it sparkled under the sunlight, hanging down her back. She sat facing the pond, her arms draped over her knees. The relief at being in physical proximity with her again was immense. It felt like coming home—a feeling of love and comfort enveloping me. I wanted to touch her, to embrace her, to have her warm skin underneath my fingertips again. She must’ve been deep in thought because she didn’t seem to hear me approach until I was only ten or so feet away.

She whipped around, with a can of what I was guessing was bear spray in her hand. Her gaze locked with mine, and the can fell to the ground. All the oxygen left my lungs, and they burned as I stood there frozen, gazing down at the woman who meant everything to me.

Chloe didn’t speak, and I wasn’t sure from the blank look on her face whether she was happy to see me. She sat there, on her knees, silent and staring. Finally, I strode toward her and fell to my knees in the grass in front of her. I couldn’t help but touch her, so I brought my hand to her face and cupped her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into it, drawing a deep breath.

“You’re here,” she whispered.

“At last. God, I missed you more than you can even imagine, Chlo.”

Her eyes were still closed, but a tear tracked down her cheek. I brushed it away with my hand. “You look well,” she said softly. She opened her eyes finally, and I remembered what it was to look into those dark brown eyes that seemed to have no beginning and no end.

I nodded. “I am. I’m good. The cancer is gone, as is the infection, and I’ve spent all these months building up my strength so I could come here and beg for forgiveness. I was lost without you.”

“Max, I…you’re completely healthy now, then?”

I wanted to erase all the concern and sadness I saw in her eyes. “I am. And ready to start my life with you.”

She bit her lip, instead of giving me the megawatt smile I was hoping for. Suddenly, she stood and wrapped her arms around her middle, staring out at the calm lake.

“I didn’t think you were coming back,” she admitted, with sadness.

“I told you I would,” I reminded her. I placed my hands on top of her shoulders, squeezing them.

“I know, but so much time had passed. I knew you were…” She paused, seeming to collect herself for a moment “…alive. I had Jackie check online every day for me. There was no news as to how you were doing, though.”

My chest squeezed as I pictured her waiting to hear of my demise every day. I needed to touch her. Reaching for her I spun her to face me and held both of her shoulders, running my thumbs lightly along her collarbone. “My dad lined the pockets of a lot of people in New York to make sure the press wouldn’t report my illness. Not only did he want me to have the privacy, but it would’ve reflected poorly on the company.”

She nodded, understanding. Though sadness still lingered in her eyes. “How are things with you and your father?” she asked.

“Surprisingly much better,” I told her, still unable to get over how much closer he and I had been since I’d found out about my illness. “And not just that…” I took one deep breath. “Once I returned home, I confessed to my mother what had happened the day my brother passed. She was understandably upset, but for some reason she didn’t hate me. She didn’t blame me. My father and I spoke about it a handful of times when things didn’t look good for me. Clearing the air between us has helped.”

Chloe smiled up at me. “That wonderful news.”

I nodded, emotion clogging my throat. It was. It was wonderful news. But we had time to talk about that later. “What I really want to talk about right now, though, is us.”

Her eyes darted down to the ground before looking back up at me with hesitation. “Max, there is no ‘us’.”

Chloe

He shook his head vehemently. “I refuse to believe that.”

I almost couldn’t believe that I was back in his arms. When I’d first seen him standing there, all I could do was stare at him, unwilling to believe that after all those months had gone by, he was actually here, in the flesh, standing in front of me.

My heart simultaneously leapt for joy and cracked in two at the same time. I was happy to see him healthy-looking and not wasting away, as he had been when I’d seen him in New York, but the fact that he’d pushed me away and not let me be a part of his recovery still hurt. It was still a hard, horse-sized pill to swallow.

His hair was shorter than it used to be, and he seemed to have put most of his weight back on, though he was leaner now, not quite as muscular as before. But the sparkle was back in his bright blue eyes, and his voice was as forceful and demanding as it had ever been. He was my Max again.

My emotions were a mess—one feeling wrapped around and intertwined with another, so it was all a jumble, and I wasn’t able to discern exactly how I felt.

Max shook me a little, desperate. “Did you hear me? I’m not leaving you alone until you understand exactly how I feel about you.”

“I don’t know if I can do this,” I said, anguished and tried to turn around, but Max wouldn’t let me.

“I understand that you’re hurt—”

“You don’t understand anything!” I shrieked, all the jumbled emotions taking over me. “Do you know what it was like for me after you left Bar Harbor? Do you have any idea how painful it was to hear you say those words to me? For you to reduce what we shared into a simple fuck? I was a mess, Max. I just barely kept my shit together. Thank God, Jess wasn’t around to see it.” I was so upset, I had to stop to catch my breath.

Hmm. I guess I did have
some
idea of how I felt.

His expression was pained. “I’m so sorry, Chloe. I thought that if you hated me you’d be able to move on. I couldn’t stand the thought of you here, mourning what we had.”

I shoved him in the chest. “Well I did mourn you, you idiot. Of course I did. I wondered what I did wrong and how I could’ve possibly misread you that much.”

He brought his hand to my face again, but this time I avoided the urge the lean into it. “You didn’t do anything,” he insisted, his eyes earnest. “You were—you
are
—complete and utter perfection.”

I shook my head. “That can’t be true. You don’t do that to someone you think that about.” I couldn’t imagine purposely hurting him the way he had hurt me…saying such cruel things to him.

Max ran a frustrated hand through his short hair. It didn’t have the same effect as when his hair had been longer. “I thought I was doing what was best.” His eyes were telling me that he meant it. He had thought that, at the time. “I thought in the long run that the pain would be less that way, than if I had told you I’d been diagnosed with cancer and you had to watch me die a slow, painful death.”

My hands flew out to my sides. “That should’ve been my decision to make! Not yours! You took that decision away from me.” I’d thought I’d already made my peace with his actions after our conversation in New York. Apparently I wasn’t done being bitter—I’d just been holding it in. And now that Max stood in front of me, healthy and back to wanting me, it was all pouring out.

“Damn it, Chloe.” He clenched his teeth together. “I know what you would’ve decided. Let’s not pretend like you wouldn’t have sacrificed your own life and sat by me day after day, pretending to be strong when really all you would’ve wanted to do is breakdown and cry.”

“So maybe that’s true,” I admitted begrudgingly, raising my chin. “It doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t have taken that choice away from me.”

“I told you—you already lost your mother. I loved you. I couldn’t bear to be the one to do that to you.” He pressed his lips together, his forehead scrunching and his eyes pleading with me to forgive him.

Time stood still as I rolled over his words in my head. He loved me. I couldn’t help the flutter starting in my belly as I processed his words. But did he mean he loved me as in past tense, or that he still did love me. I had to be sure.

“You loved me?” I asked, searching his eyes for the answer.

Both his hands cupped my cheeks, and he nodded. “I loved you.” His voice was earnest and full of emotion. “Almost every minute that we were together, and every minute we’ve been apart. I still do.” He lowered his forehead to mine and I closed my eyes, inhaling his scent. “God, Chlo, I know you’re mad, but if you could only understand the depth of my feelings for you. Every day the memories of our time spent together were what got me through. When I was at my worst, feeling like shit, puking my guts out and wanting to give up, I thought of you—of us, and how good we were together.” He pulled back and looked deep into my eyes so there would be no mistaking the truth and conviction in his words. “Not one day went by that I didn’t think about what I was fighting for.

“After you came to see me in New York, I knew we were destined to live a long and happy life together, so I fought harder than I ever have, to hold on. And it worked.” Victory shone in his eyes and I couldn’t help but smile. “You may not have been sitting beside me, but make no mistake—you were there with me, you were what got me through it all.”

I’d purged all my anger, doubt, and frustrations—all the pain of this past year. There was no room for it in my life anymore. I couldn’t allow it to hold me back any longer. Instead of judging Max by his actions, I was choosing to judge him by his intentions. And they had only been good. Because he loved me. He loved me!

“Oh, Max.” I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him fiercely. He did the same, and we stood there in the middle of that clearing, surrounded by nature’s beauty, gripping each other as if we would never let go.

And I knew for certain now that we wouldn’t. No matter what.

I pulled back and Max cupped my face, swiping away my tears with his thumbs. “I love you, Chloe, and I want nothing more than to be with you. But not like before. I want the whole world to know that you’re mine. No more hiding.”

I was unable to help the grin that spread across my face. I would never agree with his decision to push me away, but was it worth the price of not having him in my life?

No. It wasn’t. Not even close.

He brought his lips forward and, when his warm mouth touched mine, I let out a breath that I felt like I’d been holding for the past year. I parted my lips, and his tongue touched mine. The kiss was slow and languid, our tongues swirling around each other, as if we had all the time in the world.

Maybe we did and maybe we didn’t. His cancer would be a constant in our lives, the threat of its return always there. But that would only mean that every single second together would count that much more, be that more precious to us. We wouldn’t let any moments slip by us, wouldn’t take each other for granted, or squander whatever time we did have.

Gratitude makes what you have enough. And I couldn’t have been more grateful. I had everything I needed.