In the Stillness (22 page)

“Ryker . . .” Pulling from my old bag-of-tricks, I try to say his name to remind him that he’s in reality, while my palms lose traction against the counter.

“All I wanted was to be a soldier, Nat . . .” My breath trips as he lifts the handle of what I guess is a pistol.

“You
are
a soldier, Ryker. You served—”

“You know what I mean!” he screams as the barrel of the gun stares me straight in the face for a split second. It seems to surprise him, too, and he lowers his hand back down to his hip. “See? I can’t stop hurting you. Even now. Look at yourself.” He tilts his chin toward me.

Glancing down, I find every single cut I’ve ever given myself open and bleeding down my arms and legs.

What the fuck? I have to get out of here. This isn’t real. What’s happening?

Looking back up, I find Ryker holding the gun to his head.

“Ryker. Ryker . . . don’t.” I’m panicking, begging him to stop.

“I can’t do it, Nat. Not anymore. Lucas, you, my dad . . . I’ve hurt too many people. I need it to stop.” His brow furrows as he closes his eyes and whispers something I can’t hear.

“Don’t! Ryker! Ryker!”

He pulls the trigger and a sound tears through me I’ve never heard before. I fall to my knees, landing in blood—I can’t tell if it’s coming from him or me.

“God, Ryker, no! I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry! Please . . .”

“Natalie! Wake up!” I turn around to find Eric standing by the sink, holding out his hand.

I wave my hand dismissively. “Go away!”
 

“Wake up. Wake up!” he says again.
 

My shoulders start to shake, but not from my tears.

I have to wake up . . .

In one motion I’m seated on the edge of my bed, feet touching the floor. Audibly gasping for air, my skin is damp and I’m shaking.

Holy shit.

I jump when a hand lands on my shoulder, relaxing only when I realize it’s Eric. Momentarily disoriented by the daylight barging through my windows, I glance at the clock and see it’s only three in the afternoon. I’d come in the bedroom to read for a bit and must have fallen asleep.

“Jesus Christ, Natalie, what was that?” He kneels in front of me, a look of concern on his face I’ve only seen once before.
 

“A dream . . . nightmare . . . did I say anything?” I realize tears are still streaking down my face. I can’t stop them.

“You were screaming for Ryker to stop.” Eric’s face twists awkwardly when he says Ryker’s name.

I nod and swallow, petitioning my nerves to stop vibrating and my heart to return to normal.

“Weird . . .” is all I can manage. There’s no way I can possibly explain that nightmare to Eric without telling him I ran into Ryker. Without telling him that the guilt I carry for ruining Ryker’s life still makes it hard to breathe some days.
 

“Are you going to be okay?”

Do I fucking appear to be okay?

I nod. “I just need a shower and a drink.” I chuckle more for myself than him. “We’re still on for tonight, right?”

“Right. Are you sure you’re all right? I was just heading out to help finish moving the offices, but I’ll stay—”

 
“No, go. It’s good.”
 

The last thing I need is Eric in my face while I try to process what the hell just went haywire with my subconscious.
 

Eric lets out a sigh that’s clearly one of relief more than resignation before he kisses me on the cheek. I flinch a little—but maybe it was internal because he doesn’t seem to notice—and he’s out the door.

With a sigh of my own, I land face down on my pillow and moan sobs that stretch from my dream
—
sobs that feel like they’re from the beginning of time—until I find myself dry-heaving in the bathroom with a razor in my hand.
 

I choose a new spot this time. One I’ve never used before. The inner arm, a few inches from my armpit. Goosebumps of anticipation spring throughout my scalp as I close my eyes and bring the blade to my skin. The moment of contact floods me with relief from the hell that was that nightmare. The second pass is for the family I’m about to break up. Ashamed that I’m going to force a little boy who’s going deaf into living in two different homes, I keep cutting. For him. For me. For ruining lives.

Apparently, I’m good at that.

Two hours later, I’m pulled together enough to meet Tosha for a drink before I have to face Eric and his colleagues, when I hear his cell phone ring in the kitchen.
 

Great. He left it here.

I call Tosha.

“Hey, I’ll be a few minutes late. I’m going to run by Eric’s office and give him his cell. He left it on the counter.”

“Oh, fuck him.” I can tell she’s mentally flipping him off.

“Well, the thing dings with emails and shit every five seconds. It’s annoying. I’m not meeting up with him for a few hours anyway, and if I decide to bail on him I’ll need him to have his phone.”

“Good point. Hurry your ass up.”

“Judie’s, right?”

“Of course. I’ll have a martini waiting.”

“Make it extra strong. I’ll explain later.” I have to tell Tosha about the dream. We used to analyze our dreams all the time in college. Well, until mine became really scary and I stopped telling her about them.

As I drive through campus, I decide to call my parents to check in on the boys.

“Hello?” My dad’s voice sounds light and playful.

“Hey Dad, just calling to check on my little men.”
 

“Boys, you wanna talk to mommy?”
 

They cheer their response and it hits me—I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to talk to Oliver on the phone. Then what? Skype? What did people do before Skype?

My dad puts the phone on speaker. “Hi Mommy!” they shout in unison.

“Are you guys having fun?” I force a cheery tone despite the hippopotamus sitting on my throat.

“Yes!” They spill into a rant about the fun things they’ve done and cool things they’ve eaten. They sound happy and I have to remind myself, that’s the most important thing right now.
 

Until I tell them Mommy and Daddy will no longer be living together. Which I can’t do until Eric acknowledges that’s what’s happening.

Sigh . . .

I say my goodbyes to them and my parents as I pull into the lot in front of Eric’s building. I see his car, and I’m glad he didn’t switch buildings when he switched offices or I’d be screwed.
 

Putting the car in park, I press my head back into the headrest for a moment, still trying to get that nightmare out of my mind. Ryker looked happy when I saw him at Atkins. And healthy. And we hugged. Still, I can’t escape the shiver that comes from hearing the gunshot inside the nightmare as I open the door and head for Eric’s building.

I make my way to Eric’s old office first, since I’m not sure where his new one is. I figure if someone else is in there they can point me in the direction of where to go. Walking up the stairs, thanks to the broken elevator, I’m thankful for the lack of military girlfriends in my path, unlike the last time I was in here. With any luck there won’t be any crying coeds in his office since school’s done. Rounding the corner to his office, I’m glad to hear Eric’s voice for a second before it goes silent like he’s on the phone—this means I don’t have to go on a scavenger hunt for him.

 
I nearly trip through his doorway when I find him standing in front of a woman sitting on his desk. It’s not so much that I’m surprised to see them there; it’s more about the fact that her legs are wrapped around his calves, and their tongues are in each other’s mouths as he holds the back of her neck that causes me to drop his phone and watch the screen shatter into a million pieces.

Chapter 26

The sound of a four-hundred dollar phone hitting the floor is the only thing that pries Eric away from the mouth of the woman sitting on his desk . . . with her legs around him. I’m temporarily satisfied by the look of sheer horror that plasters itself on both of their faces as it registers they’ve been caught. By the last person either of them should want to be caught by. Eric’s wife. The fact that I don’t want to be his wife has little bearing on the technicality that I still am, and he was holding her neck as he kissed her with what looked like more passion than he’s ever given me.

I don’t look at the woman. She doesn’t matter. Eric wishes I would look at her, I know he does. That way he’d get a break from the look I’m giving him.
 

I speak first. “You left your phone at home.”

I slide his destroyed phone toward him with my foot. When it hits his, I turn on my heels and walk carefully down the hallway as my heart pounds through my ears and bile swirls in my stomach.

“Natalie, wait!” Eric’s steps are uneven as he chases after me.

Um. No.

I don’t turn around. “Stay the fuck away from me, Eric,” I pull a calm voice from the recesses of betrayal.

He has the audacity to grab my upper arm as I open the door to head down the stairs.
 

“Please, Natalie . . .”

I stop and study the bastard fingers pressing into my skin before slowly meeting his gaze. The rage boiling inside me is frightening.

“What are you going to tell me? What could you possibly have to say? That this was the first time? That I just
happened
to walk in the first time you ever kissed her? That looked a little cozy for a first kiss. Though, I can’t remember that far back since my last first kiss was with
you.”

He opens his mouth, but I put up my hand.

“How long has this been going on?”

In exasperation, he runs his hands through his hair and opens and closes his mouth a few times to try to say something. It doesn’t work.

“That long, huh? Let me ask you this,” I finally let the door to the stairwell close as I cross my arms in front of me, “why? Why would you string me along—string our family along—while you were off fucking someone else—”

Eric cuts me off. “We didn’t have sex, Natalie.”

“Ha!” I can’t control the clinically hysterical laughter. “You expect me to start taking you at your
word?
At least tell me you used protecti—you know what? It doesn’t matter, I’ll still have to get tested.” I tilt my chin in the direction of his office before giving him a disgusted once-over. “I hope she was worth it.” I push the door open and race down the stairs.

I’m briefly concerned that he’ll chase me, but let’s be honest, he wouldn’t dare. I’m three nanoseconds away from causing a huge scene and he must sense it. He wisely stays secured on the other side of the fire door.
 

Driving with student-driver cautiousness, I navigate myself off of campus and take a left to head up Amity Street. Divine intervention has opened a parking spot directly in front of Judie’s, so I slide into it and turn off the car before crumbling into a sobbing mess. No matter how I’ve felt about Eric over the last several months, I never dreamt of having an affair. I would never do that to him. To us. To our family. I should be thrilled that his actions give me a glaring pass to leave without guilt, instead I just feel dirty. Used. Rejected.

Pounding on my passenger-side window pulls me away from the steering wheel. Tosha’s knocking like a crazy person. I unlock the door and she climbs in.

“Natalie, what the fuck? What’s going on? Eric’s called me like fifty times in the last five minutes. He asked me if I’d seen you. What the hell?”

Unbuckling my seatbelt, I lean over the center console and lay my head on her lap, still unable to form words.
 

“Are the boys okay?” she asks as she runs her hands over my head.

I nod. After a few minutes I sit up, take a deep breath, and tell her what I saw. Her eyes try to stay in their proper places as she lights a cigarette.
 

“What a fucking prick.” She exhales and hands me the cigarette. “Do you know how long it’s been going on?”

I shake my head. “Doesn’t really matter, though, does it?”

She shakes hers. “Nope. So, I trust you’ll be staying at my place tonight?”

“Yeah. I’ve gotta go home and get my stuff. Like, all of it. I’ll pack a bag and toss the rest in my storage unit.”
 

She gets a small grin. “You still have that thing?”

“Of course I do.”

When Eric and I decided to move into his apartment, I took most of my furniture and a lot of my boxes of undergrad memories and put them in a storage unit to save for when we moved into a bigger place. A house. With our family. I’ve avoided sifting through boxes of the person I used to be, so I haven’t been there in a couple years. I just pay the bill every month and keep myself locked behind a garage door.

“Do you want me to come with you in case he’s there?”

“Sure.”

“Are you going to call your parents?”
 

Christ.