In the Name of Love (37 page)

‘I can only see him again if I have therapy and it works. If I am with him, I want to be with him one hundred per cent. I want him to be able to share all his life with me.’

‘Can you at least tell him that this is what you are doing?’

Charlie shook her head. ‘No, absolutely not, in case it doesn’t work.’

For a moment it seemed as if Luis might keep trying to persuade her; then he smiled and stretched out his hand. ‘Do we have a deal then?’

Charlie hesitated, then reached out and firmly shook his hand. ‘Yes, we do.’

Luis smiled. ‘I don’t know about you, but I could do with a drink.’

‘I’ve only got vodka and no tonic,’ Charlie replied, gesturing to the half-empty bottle of Smirnoff.

‘Perfect. We can have a toast to the future – to your future with Felipe. And then I can call Mariana and tell her the news. She will never forgive me if I don’t – she has been so worried about you.’ Luis hesitated, ‘And would you mind if I told Vittoria?’

‘If you must,’ Charlie replied. She still found it hard to have any warm feelings towards Felipe’s mother, even if she had realised that she’d been wrong.

‘I must,’ Luis told her. ‘Maybe this will make you feel differently about her – she has finally accepted Eduardo’s marriage to Ricky and is throwing them an anniversary party.’

‘Oh my God!’ Somehow the news gave Charlie a feeling of optimism, as if anything might still be possible. She hesitated before she asked, ‘Do you really think Felipe will want me back?’

Luis smiled. ‘Of that I have no doubt. He has never stopped loving you. Everything is going to be okay.’

Charlie hugged him tightly. ‘Thank you so much, Luis.’

‘You are very welcome. I have just one request: that you name your first child after me … even if it’s a girl. Actually two requests. Have you got anything to eat? I am starving.’

‘It’ll have to be pizza, unless you want some out-of-date hummus and a wilted carrot?’

‘Let me think – pizza, please, my dear Charlie. But please don’t tell Mariana … I’m supposed to be on a low-carb diet.’

‘For you, Luis, anything,’ she replied, hugging him once more.

*

Felipe jumped off Valiente and handed the reins to Daria. Both rider and horse were sweating after the intensive training, but Felipe was quietly pleased with how the session had gone. He was still feeling shattered by Charlie’s betrayal, but instead of hitting the booze and wallowing in despair he had channelled everything into his riding. He had won his last three eventing competitions; was at the top of his game. A medal at the Olympics seemed more than a possibility.

He unstrapped his crash hat and pulled it off, running a hand through his hair. He looked fit and lean, ready for the competition, but there was a definite sadness about his eyes. He’d intended to have a quick break before resuming training and was surprised to see his friend standing waiting by the entrance to the stable yard.

‘Luis, I wasn’t expecting you. Did we have something arranged?’

‘I thought I’d come by and see if you had time for dinner tonight? Mariana is cooking one of her famous
Arroz con pollo
.’

Felipe hesitated; he felt he was better on his own right now. He wasn’t good company. He tended to ride until at least eight at night, have something to eat, and then fall into bed exhausted by ten.

‘Come on, you need a break. We haven’t seen you for ages. And let’s have a coffee now,’ his friend suggested.

The two men sat down in the welcome shade of Felipe’s terrace. It was only 11 a.m. but already the sun was burning hot and the temperature in the high-20s. Felipe
asked
Luis about work and about how Mariana was doing. He was intent on avoiding any personal questions, but Luis wasn’t going to let him get away with it.

‘So how are you?’

Felipe shrugged. ‘Fine. Busy. You know how it is.’

Luis gave a quiet cough, always a sign that he was anxious about the impact of what he was about to say. ‘Do you think you might try and see Charlie when you go to London for the Olympics?’

Felipe hadn’t been expecting this. He kept all thoughts of Charlie firmly locked down, buried. He could not,
would
not, go there. He shot Luis a furious look. ‘Why the fuck would I want to see
her
again? She made her choice very clear to me the last time I saw her.’ He gave a mirthless laugh. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever forget the expression on her face. It made me wonder if I really knew her at all.’

‘I’m sure that’s not true. Maybe there has been some kind of crisis in her life that you don’t know about.’ Luis sounded so hopeful and optimistic. And totally misguided.

Felipe shook his head. ‘No, Luis. If you must know, I regret ever having met her.’

His friend seemed stunned by his bitter words. Felipe drained his espresso and stood up. ‘Look, Luis, I know you liked her, but she isn’t the woman you thought she was. She’s manipulative and selfish – and she broke my heart. But d’you know what? Maybe she did me a favour, because I sure as hell won’t be falling for someone so easily again. And now I’ve to get on.’ Felipe grabbed his hat and started heading back to the stables.

‘What time shall I tell Mariana to expect you?’ Luis called after him.

‘I’m sorry, Luis, I won’t be able to make it. Send her my love though.’

Felipe couldn’t believe that his friend had brought Charlie’s name up. It was going to take all his will-power to push her to the back of his mind again. But he was determined to do it and he was certain of one thing: he never wanted to see Charlie Porter again.

Chapter 26

CHARLIE WALKED TWICE
past the beautifully maintained Edwardian terraced house in Richmond, with its smart navy blue door, the colour of Dr Who’s TARDIS, before plucking up the courage to approach. She half wished the house were the TARDIS, all set to transport her somewhere else, anywhere but here. It was her first appointment with Dr Rosie Mackay, the therapist Aidan had recommended, and Charlie was incredibly nervous. Aidan had offered to come with her but she had refused – if she couldn’t even manage to get here on her own then there was no hope for her. She didn’t know what to expect and was terrified that instead of helping her overcome her fears, it would bring the accident back and cause her to relive every single agonising moment, even though Aidan had promised her that this wouldn’t be the case.

Charlie knew very little about therapy and was convinced it would be the kind where she lay on a black leather couch and had to pour her heart out while the
earnest-looking
therapist took notes and didn’t say anything. Or worse, came out with disturbing comments like the very first therapist she’d met, about how she must have been abused as a child. So it was a very pleasant surprise when an attractive woman in her late-forties, wearing a stylish dark green wrap dress, opened the front door.

‘Charlie, do come in,’ she said warmly, ‘I’m Rosie.’

The surprises continued as she showed Charlie into a comfortably furnished room that was more like a living room than a consulting room. There was a desk, but Rosie chose not to sit behind it and instead took one of the armchairs, while Charlie sat down on the sofa. Rosie began the session by explaining how she worked and giving an overview of how Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT worked. Put very simply, she explained, the way you perceive a situation influences your emotional reaction to it and then the way you behave. Because Charlie had had the accident, every time she saw a horse she would think about a horse dying horribly and believe she couldn’t cope. She had tried to mask these feelings from herself by avoiding horses and everything to do with riding, which ultimately had made the fear worse.

‘But do you think I can get over this?’ Charlie asked.

‘If you put in the work, I’ve no doubt at all. It’s about us working out the links between your thoughts and your feelings,’ Rosie told her, ‘and then trying to break the destructive ones and establish more helpful ones.’

There were tears, of course, and it was painful, but Charlie left two hours later feeling that she had made
some
progress. Rosie had diagnosed that she was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and had given her a series of exercises to work through. The point about CBT was that it was an active therapy, she had to work hard to re-programme the way she thought about the accident and horses. Equally it wasn’t a miracle cure. She was going to have to commit to twice-weekly sessions for the next two months. Charlie had told Rosie that her goal was to see Felipe compete in the Olympics. If she could do that, then she thought they might possibly have a future together.
If
. A great deal was hanging on that word …

Zoe and Kris were waiting at the flat when she got home. Both of them looked at her expectantly when she walked into the living room and she knew that they were dying to find out how it had gone. She sat down next to Zoe. ‘It was good,’ she said, and promptly burst into tears.

‘Oh, babes!’ Zoe put an arm round her. ‘You’ve been so brave. We’re so proud of you for going.’

‘I don’t know why I’m crying. I suppose it’s because, for the first time, I feel I can do this … I can get better. And that I’m not stupid or mad.’ Charlie sniffed and brushed away the tears. The relief at starting to unlock the feelings she had suppressed for so long was almost overwhelming.

She looked over at Kris. ‘Where’s Darcy?’

‘She didn’t know if you would want to see her.’

‘Phone her up and tell her to come over! I want to tell her how sorry I was for being so vile to her. And then I’m taking you all out for dinner. I know what a
bitch
I’ve been and dinner isn’t going to make up for it all, but it’s a start. And I’m going to phone Aidan too.’ She hesitated. Felipe’s name was the one she longed to include in that list, longed with all her heart.

‘Why don’t you call Felipe and at least tell him how it went?’ Zoe said quietly.

Charlie shook her head. ‘Not yet, in case this was a one-off. I want to prove to myself that I can get through this. I can’t let him down again.’

But when she went into her bedroom to get changed for dinner, she rescued the diamond necklace from her jewellery box and put it on. And when she returned to her flat later that night, she switched on her laptop and began pouring out her feelings to Felipe in an email that she didn’t send, but saved in the draft folder.

Charlie had her second therapy session just three days later. She had been working through all the exercises in the meantime and thought she was doing well. Rosie seemed to think so too as she suggested that they watch a film of someone riding. Maybe it was because it was too soon, or because the horse was black, just like Ace, but minutes into the film, Charlie felt the onset of a panic attack. Realising that something was wrong, Rosie stopped it and began taking her through her relaxation exercises. But Charlie was too upset to continue.

‘This is stupid! If I can’t even look at a film, I’m wasting everyone’s time. I knew it wouldn’t work.’

Charlie grabbed her bag. Before Rosie could stop her, she ran out of the house. She heard Rosie calling after her as she pounded down the street, but ignored her.

Back at her flat Charlie was all set to shut herself away in her bedroom, depressed by what she saw as her own failure, but Darcy was in the living room.

‘Hi, Charlie. I hope you don’t mind, but Kris said it was okay if I borrowed his key to let myself in? India has got a hot date with this sexy gardener, and I wanted to give them some space.’

‘No problem,’ Charlie replied.

‘Is everything okay? You seem a bit upset.’

Just a few weeks ago, Darcy would have been the very last person Charlie would ever have considered confiding in. Now she found herself sitting down and telling her what had happened at the therapist’s house.

‘It only goes to show that I was right to split up from Felipe. I’ll never get over this, and I’m just going to have to live with it.’

‘I’m no expert,’ Darcy said quietly, ‘but it was only your second session and you have to give therapy time to work properly. Maybe you need to take some medication as well … just a low dose to help you through. You’ll be able to come off it again, once you don’t need it any more.’

Charlie looked at Darcy. She had said that she wasn’t an expert, but she seemed pretty clued up. ‘D’you really think that?’

Darcy didn’t reply straight away but rolled up her shirt sleeves and held up her arms so Charlie could see a number of scars running up the inside of her arms. They were long-healed, but still looked awful. Charlie winced in sympathy.

‘I used to self-harm. And when I had therapy and
medication,
it helped. There have been times when I’ve wanted to do it again, when I was feeling worthless, but then I remember what my therapy taught me and I get through it somehow. You’ll get through it too, Charlie.’

She realised Darcy had been courageous in showing her the scars, and in getting through what must have been a dark time in her own life. Along with a newfound respect for Darcy, Charlie felt a flicker of hope for herself. She phoned up Rosie and apologised for running out, arranging to see her the following day.

One month later

‘It’s so good to be out of the city,’ Rosie commented as Charlie drove along a country lane, deep in the heart of Surrey. It was a deliciously sunny morning in the middle of July – the kind of day which seems full of possibilities. The sky was a blissful blue, and beyond the lush green hedges there were fields of ripening crops and stately horse chestnut trees. It was on just such a country lane that Charlie had been riding when the accident occurred and because of this for a long time she had avoided trips into the country at all costs. But this was her second time out with Rosie as part of her intensive therapy and so far she hadn’t experienced any flashbacks. Since the disastrous session when Charlie had fully expected never to go back, she had been making good progress; she could now look at pictures of horses and watch films of people riding without feeling any anxiety. She still occasionally had one of the nightmares, but was better able to deal with
them.
She no longer felt overwhelmed by the experience.