In my Arms Tonight (NYC Singles Book 2) (20 page)

Her pulse shot up like the pointer on a speedometer and the irrational, anxious hammering that had been going on in her chest since Bill had dumped that assignment on her two days ago returned.

That thing was bothering her. It was conflicting her.

She’d done a good job of evading Alex for two days, which could be why he was here today. It could also be because they often met on Wednesdays.

For the sake of her peace of mind, she’d started looking into that tip about Alex.

She’d believed that she was prepared for it. In fact, she’d expected there to be at least a few underage smoking, drinking, truancy and drug violations on his criminal record.

But what she’d found had still shocked her.

“Hey.” Alex gave a lopsided grin, ridden with tension.

He was probably wondering what had gone wrong. That would put him on the same page as her.

With dawn approaching, the last whisper of sunlight snuggled up to his breathtaking face, teasing it with the faintest glow. The buttoned shirt and a wine-colored tie covered up his tattoos. He looked so safe, Kat had to wonder if everything she’d heard and everything she’d found in the last two days was a lie.

This man couldn’t possibly have been orphaned at four, dealt drugs, engaged in violence, changed his name. He had none of the markings of that kind of trauma. He looked so normal, so cheerful, so safe.

That’s his public image
, her inner voice cautioned.

Clutching her bag closer, Kat painted an unaffected smile.

“Kat?” Alex’s voice rolled over her body, reminding her of all the lascivious things he’d whispered against her chest.

The depth of the connection, the closeness she’d felt with him was the only thing keeping her standing. That, and the naive belief that Alex wouldn’t have lied to her, even if she was nothing more than a sexual plaything to him. Her gut just instinctively trusted him.

How stupid
.

“Hey,” was her delayed response. Pulling out her keys, Kat opened the door and slipped in with him at her heel.

He was so close behind her that his breath, his scent coiled around her and arousal kicked in. Unsettling emotions dug into her conscience, but the physical attraction was too strong. Kat turned and, in a fit of desire, backed him up against the wall and tore away his shirt. It startled him, but Alex didn’t protest when she pushed him into her bedroom and onto the bed.

Fuck the facts. Who cared about what he’d done, anyway? They were nothing more than sexual companions to each other. He was under no obligation to spill anything about his life to her.

Sure, she’d have loved to hear him tell her about his painful childhood and assure her that he didn’t carry any of those tendencies anymore and she’d have loved to forgive him and reaffirm her faith in his honesty, but this wasn’t
The Notebook
. This was real life.

Who was she to him to demand that he bare his darkest secrets to her, anyway? Why should he want to be open and honest with someone who was nothing more than a sex partner? Why were these stupid, ridiculous words like ‘friend’ and ‘more than sex’ floating in her mind?

“I love it when you’re so passionate, but—”

She blocked off the next words with a wet, forced kiss. No words. She wasn’t in the mood to hear a no or anything else. All she had the emotional bandwidth for was some hot, hot sex which would melt her irritating thoughts away.

It was not an adult way to deal with the situation, but she desperately needed physical intimacy to keep her from losing it.

Against her will, her eyes prickled with tears. She forced them in. Tears had no place in a relationship like theirs. Tears had no business intensifying when Alex sent her a loving gaze.

Tracing a path over his pectorals with her tongue, Kat shut her eyes to block Alex out. Under her, his heartbeat faltered.

He’d been quite excited before but now he looked worried.

Maybe he’s getting impatient from all the waiting
.

Spreading her legs, she straddled his chest and swooped down to his mouth.

He let her kiss him, but when she pushed for another kiss, he stapled his lips together and refused to budge.

“You want to do something else?” Kat dragged the sultry whisper over his jaw.

He gripped her waist, then pulled her off him. “I want to talk.”

“Can we talk later? After we finish?”

Releasing a column of air from his mouth, he faced the ceiling. “If you had to choose between doing the right thing and doing what made you happy, which one would you choose?”

She thought about it for a fraction of a second. “The right thing, because I could never be happy knowing that I did something wrong.”

“Then I have to do the right thing now. Which is to talk.” Alex tilted his body to the side and squared his jaw.

Not letting her dismay get to the surface, Kat wrestled herself away from him. “What do you want to talk about? The debate that’s coming up?”

Actually, she’d be happy to help him through that one. After all, the only thing she enjoyed more than sex was talking politics. Maybe she could do both at the same time. That would be something else.

Taking her hand in his, Alex telegraphed her a pleading gaze. “I have a personal confession to make. It could be… shocking, but will you promise to keep an open mind?”

Kat moistened her lips, worry pulsing in the hollow of her neck. “I promise.”

“I also want you to promise me that whatever I say will remain between the two of us.” He searched her with his probing gaze. “I’m trusting you with my kryptonite and I don’t trust people easily, darling. I want to know you won’t let me down.”

Her stomach contracted. “I promise.”

His hand let go of hers. Alex fished out his trusty pack of Marlboros along with a lighter. Cigarettes were his stress busters, so he must be stressed right now. Another indication that whatever was coming was not good.

She slapped his hand. “You can’t smoke in here. It’s illegal.”

“Can you please hold onto these for me?” He dropped the pack of cigarettes and the lighter onto the bed. “Otherwise, I’d be tempted to pop out for a smoke halfway and once I do, I might not have the courage to come back and finish what I wanted to say.”

With an unsure nod, Kat shoved his emotional crutches under her pillow, then guarded them by putting a firm hand over the fluffy softness.

“I’ll start with the worst.” Alex stalled, his gaze wandering here and there, until he decided to let her see his vulnerability. “The facts. I’ve been to prison. Juvenile detention center, if you want the correct term. I was adjudicated for possession and sale of drugs, so basically drug dealing.”

Kat was almost thankful that she was still reveling in the aftereffects of desire, or her brain would have crashed. Not from the shock, since she already knew all this. But from a cocktail of confusion, relief and anger that made her dizzy.

“You said you didn’t do drugs.” Kat willed her voice to remain stable, but her insides were trembling.

“I don’t. I used to, when I was in high school. Hey, everybody’s experimented. Don’t tell me you didn’t.” He continued. “But I’ve never been addicted to them. After my arrest, I distanced myself from drugs.” His eyes narrowed. “You don’t believe this, do you?”

“I need to listen to the whole story to decide whether I believe you or not.”

“Darling—” He reached for her cheek, and without thinking, she recoiled.

“You’re scared.” Panic creased his face. “I’ll never hurt you, Kat. Never. I’ve never physically hurt a woman in my life.”

Stupid as it was, she trusted him on that. Because while his tattoos and what he was saying suggested otherwise, she couldn’t wrap her head around the idea of somebody as kind as Alex ever deliberately hurting anyone.

“I’m not scared.” It was the truth. She wasn’t scared of him—she was scared of her own wavering emotions. “But get everything out. To recap what you’ve told me so far, you were arrested for drugs, but you’re sober now.”

Even repeating those words gave her strength. Somehow, things already looked better. Less distressing. More hopeful.

“I never told you about my childhood, because it’s not a place I like revisiting. Basically, I was a mess. I couldn’t stay anywhere for long and I couldn’t do anything right. I bounced from foster home to foster home, growing disillusioned and collecting problems. Also, my name wasn’t Alex. It was Cole. I’ve changed my name.”

“So nobody would be able to dig out your past?” Kat blanched.

“No, I changed it because I wanted to start over as a new person. My criminal records are sealed anyway, so even if you try, you wouldn’t be able to find anything without the help of someone from the NYPD.”

True. She could attest to that fact. She herself had used one of her mother’s old friends to get in touch with someone at the NYPD.

“I see.” Kat’s voice was fainter than a mouse’s squeak.

“What I told you doesn’t change who I am, but it might change the way you think about me. I won’t blame you if you want to stop seeing me, but I had to tell you anyway.” Alex’s breaths were uneven.

She should be panicking, grabbing her clothes and running right now. Instead, she lay on her back, not half as rattled as she should be.

Looking at him, she could only see the Alex who was kind, loving, vulnerable and compassionate. She could only see the man who’d been honest, who’d shared his pain, his past, his mistakes, his failures with her. Who’d risked rejection to do the right thing.

He could have kept her in the dark. But he hadn’t. He could’ve told her lies. He could’ve easily skipped out on details like the name change.

But he hadn’t. He’d given her everything. All the truth. All the ugliness. All of his trust.

Kat couldn’t help but respect his bravery. Not many people had enough courage and conscience to take such a risky step.

She’d been so wrong when she’d called him risk-averse that night after the subway incident.

“Can I ask you something?” Kat waited for him to nod. “Why’re you telling me this now? In fact, why did you tell me at all? You could’ve never told me. I wasn’t going to find out.”

It would’ve been better for him. It would certainly have been better for her, because now she was going to have to protect the information she had entrusted her with, when her boss wanted her to do the exact opposite.

Alex screwed his eyes closed. “I don’t want to build a relationship based on lies. It was okay for you to not know when we were just sleeping around without any feelings, but I think we’re past that stage. It’s deeper now. I want you to be my girlfriend. And I want you to choose to stay with me knowing everything about me, so you never have any doubts.”

Kat tried to resist it. Tried to resist the wave of surety welling up inside her. She should mull over it. Gather some facts. Consult a childhood trauma specialist. Do some fact-checking. Weigh the pros and cons.

But she just wanted to hug him and soothe him.

It was scary how strongly she wanted to make him feel loved. She’d never trusted someone so blindly. Never known such unadulterated trust. At the core, she believed in him so completely and now that belief was stronger.

Sure, he’d had an adverse childhood, but didn’t adverse circumstances make people stronger? He had positively channeled the heartbreak of his childhood into a career of public service. He’d not let his bitterness turn into hatred. He’d transformed it into love and compassion.

“I only need to hear one thing.” The sheets crumpled under her advancing body. She wanted to reach out to him, touch him, have him make her a promise. “Promise me that you’re telling me the complete truth. No omissions. No embellishments. No sugarcoating.”

“It’s the complete truth.” Alex’s sincerity melted any hint of doubt. “I’m not hiding any murder or rape or money laundering from you. In fact, I didn’t even sell those drugs, if you want to know the complete truth, or at least I didn’t know they were drugs while I was selling them. When I found out—which was at the trial, by the way—I was speechless.”

“Were you angry?”

“For a little while, yes. Then I accepted it. Now, reflecting back, I think it was good for me to spend some time away from the world. It gave me a clearer perspective on life. I needed that. Sometimes, pain is the only way to learn something.”

And sometimes, love was the only way to heal everything.

Accepting him into her arms, she cocooned him against her body and felt his weight shift onto her. She couldn’t describe how good it felt to glide against his skin in this moment, to have his rock-solid body firmly against hers.

“I still want to be with you.” she said, and every molecule in her body was in agreement.

“Don’t just say it so easily. Think about it,” he scolded, snickering.

The beautiful ring of his laughter reignited her slumbering desire. Now they had all the heaviness out of the way, her mind was as relaxed and receptive to merge with him as her body.

“It doesn’t matter, Alex. I’m not going to hold something that happened three decades ago against you. You didn’t kill anyone. You didn’t rape anyone. You didn’t steal or harm anyone. What you did do was tell me the truth and I’m not going to leave you for telling me the truth.”