In Denial (11 page)

She still felt ill but she knew this crisis was something that had to be dealt with straight away.

As the door closed Lucinda fell forward, the tears already running down her cheeks. She pressed her face against Adam’s as total understanding engulfed her. She had wanted to be with him, she had encouraged him as they had encouraged each other.

No one should have been any the wiser but them.

It was their secret.

But not any more.

It wasn’t what they had done, it was the fact that their mother had seen them. Their age was still irrelevant. Whether they had been ten, twenty or thirty years older it would have been the same. Mothers, parents, were not supposed to see their children making love.

‘
What are we going to do?’ she asked through her tears, her mouth next to Adam’s ear.

‘
Do as our mother said. Get dressed and go to her downstairs.’

‘
But what if she tells Daddy?’

‘
She won’t.’

‘
How can you be so sure?’

‘
I’ve seen her watching us.’

Lucinda lifted her head so she could see Adam’s eyes. ‘What do you mean?’

‘
She knows how we feel about each other. She has always known.’

‘
What? That we love each other?’

‘
Yes. She knows and she knows we will get married as soon as we’re old enough.’

‘
But what about -?’

‘
What she just saw?’

Lucinda nodded as Adam wiped a tear from her cheek. ‘I don’t know. We’ll do as she said, then we will know.’

*  *  *

Having put on their jeans and sweatshirts, they were now sitting together on the large three-seat sofa opposite their mother.

Christina had her hands clasped on her knees, her eyes staring at her children, thinking how innocent they looked but also how worried they were now. If she were being honest the shock brought about by what she had seen was actually more of an explanation. She knew that one day it would happen but had hoped they would delay growing up for as long as possible.

Now she knew they hadn’t.

Yes, she was taken aback. Yes, she wished she hadn’t gone home early, but at the back of her mind she was pleased that if they had felt the need to experiment then maybe it was better they had chosen each other. It was over two and a half years since Lucinda went to her and asked through her embarrassment what was happening to her.

Christina had smiled as she explained. ‘It means you’re growing up,’ she said taking her daughter in her arms and hugging her. ‘It’s all part of growing up.’

‘
But I don’t want to grow up, not yet.’

‘
We have no control over what our bodies do, darling. We can’t stop it.’

She had then watched her daughter blossom.

From a gangly almost shapeless twelve-year old, she saw Lucinda develop in just over a year into a young woman. Only a matter of days before the discovery she had thought that at fourteen Lucinda had the sort of figure many women in their twenties would die for.

They had talked and she thought Lucinda had listened.

Christina had tried to explain, but she knew Lucinda would have to find out for herself. What she hadn’t expected was that it would be so soon and that she would be a witness.

She didn’t know whether Joseph had ever spoken to Adam, and even if he had she didn’t believe either of them would have told her. When they went out as a family it took a while to get used to people stopping and staring, some even pointing with expressions of disbelief on their faces: Joseph so obviously Chinese, Christina equally obviously from the Asian sub-continent, Patrick somewhere between the two, Lucinda the image of her mother, but then there was this European boy, so pale by comparison.

Christina, before she stopped caring what other people thought, had imagined their explanations, imagined their comments. “He must be a family friend,” or “Perhaps he’s on an exchange visit from school,” followed by, “But he’s so young to be without his parents.” That was when Christina had cared.

She no longer did.

They were a family.

The colour of their skins, the shape of their faces, their origins, none of it mattered any more. Adam was as important to her as her own biological children. She loved him as she loved Lucinda and Patrick.

*  *  *

‘
Have you any idea what a shock that was for me?’ Christina asked as calmly as she could. Her children’s heads were bowed, their clasped hands resting on the sofa. ‘Have you any idea how you have abused the trust your father and I have put in you?’

Adam lifted his head and looked at his mother. ‘We … we …’ His head dropped again.

‘
You’re both fourteen, just fourteen. You should be out playing with your friends not ...’

She stopped as she saw Lucinda’s tear-filled eyes watching her.

‘
What we were doing was as private as what you and Daddy do when -’

‘
Don’t you dare try to compare what you were doing with your father and me. You’re both fourteen, and besides that being illegal, you’re also brother and sister.’

‘
No, we’re not. Adam is adopted.’

‘
Don’t get clever with me, young lady.’ She was dismissing the same argument she was prepared to use with Joseph when the time came, but she wasn’t ready for it to be used against her. ‘What you were doing was wrong, so very wrong.’

Lucinda narrowed her eyes. ‘We love each other. What we were doing was expressing that love.’

Seeing the watery fire in her daughter’s jet black eyes Christina shook her head slowly. ‘I’m talking to my fourteen-year old son and daughter and you’re too young to know what that sort of love is, let alone express it. Of course you love each other as brother and sister, but -’

Adam found his voice. ‘We are going to get married when we’re old enough.’

‘
And that excuses what I’ve just witnessed, does it?’

Lucinda started crying. ‘Mummy, please don’t make it sound dirty. Please don’t make it sound so awful.’

Christina wanted to take them both in her arms and hug them but she knew she had to wait. She’d had no time to rehearse what she ought to say. She closed her eyes, which only made matters worse. ‘Can’t either of you understand what I’m trying to say?’

Adam stared at Lucinda’s hand held tightly in his.

He loved the way his skin was so fair next to hers, his eyes a pale blue, his hair bleached by the sun contrasting with her jet black hair and eyes. They’d joked about how everything they had was opposite. He was already nearly six feet tall, almost a foot taller than Lucinda. His hands and feet were large whereas hers were small and delicate; his limbs, chest and abdomen muscular, hers slim and lithesome. They had traced the contours of their bodies with the tips of their fingers until they knew every square inch of them. It was such an innocent experience and that’s the way they wanted it to stay.

But now the spell was broken, the mystery was no more.

They could never be alone again without wondering about the time they were caught. They would laugh about it at some stage in the future but for now it was simply a disaster.

‘
I think your question ignores the fact that we knew exactly what we were doing,’ Adam suggested, his voice deep and resonant like that of a grown man.

Christina shook her head.

She was looking at her boy-son who was in a man’s body, her girl-daughter who was in a woman’s body. ‘I hope,’ she said slowly, ‘you did know what you were doing, what you have done. You have taken away from each other an innocence that should have been with you for a number of years to come. Neither of you is ready for the responsibility. You had so much growing up to do before you -’

‘
We were ready, Mummy,’ Lucinda said, wiping a tear away, ‘and we have been ready for a long time. It’s only other people who tell us we shouldn’t have been ready. You’ve said so many times that people grow up at different speeds. You were only saying the other day that one of your waitresses behaves like a little girl sometimes, and she’s well over twenty.’

‘
I think you’re missing the true meaning of what I’m saying.’ Christina paused. Her head was thumping and she tried to control the shivering. ‘But we’re not going to get anywhere by having a philosophical discussion. We must decide what we must do now.’

‘
What is there to do?’ Adam asked.

‘
That is precisely my point. You think nothing has changed. You think you can both carry on as though I don’t know.’

‘
You only know for sure now what you’d already guessed,’ Lucinda said.

‘
I had no idea -’

‘
What, that we were lovers?’

‘
You can’t be lovers at your age.’

‘
There’s no can’t be about it, Mummy. We are.’

‘
The rain is letting up,’ Adam said, his eyes on the rippling water.

‘
We may get to see the setting sun before too long. Look,’ Gabrielle said, gazing through the side window, ‘there’s a definite break in the clouds to the north.’

Hong Kong was somewhere she’d only ever read about. She had listened intently to what Adam told her about his mother’s disastrous discovery. She hadn’t expected him to be so candid but soon after his first words she realised he was no longer sitting in the car with her, he was reliving his earlier life.

So why did he stop?

‘
It must have been awful for both of you,’ she said quietly.

Adam grasped the steering wheel and lifted his eyes to the opposite shoreline. ‘You’re right, the weather is clearing. I’m taking up so much of your time, Gabrielle. You must have a lot of other things to do.’

She wondered whether Adam was now regretting being so open with her. She was silent for a second or two. ‘I forget whether I mentioned it,’ she said. ‘I do have a short service to give at seven, but before and after that there’s nothing.’ She checked her watch. ‘It’s just after five now. We’ve got an hour before I need to go and prepare and then I’ll be through by seven forty-five at the latest.’

Adam turned towards her. ‘Why are you doing this?’

‘
I’m not doing very much. Just listening.’

‘
Why are you even bothering to do that? It’s your day off. I’m a complete stranger.’ He shrugged. ‘And what will be gained?’

She let her eyes rest on Adam’s. ‘For a start I never really have a day off, you are certainly no longer a complete stranger and … and what will be gained? If you remain intent on taking your own life then there’s nothing I or anybody else can do about it, but each second that passes and you’re still breathing, is something gained.’

‘
It depends where you’re coming from. That might be the case for you but not for me.’ He tightened his grip on the steering wheel. ‘Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m grateful for what you’re trying to do but I came up here with one intention and … and it remains my intention.’

‘
But not yet! You’re not going to tell me only part of your story. You’re not getting off the hook that easily.’

Adam smiled ‘You’ve caught me, have you?’

‘
That’s the first time you’ve really smiled since we first met.’

‘
It symbolised irony rather than amusement.’

‘
Not what a girl would normally want to hear.’ She knew she had reached a critical stage.

She’d felt it almost immediately but had tried to ignore her own feelings: Adam had a certain magnetic quality so rare in the people she met nowadays. She hadn’t known what she was letting herself in for when she responded to Doris’s plea but now she was fascinated by what Adam had already told her. She wanted to know more for two reasons: first she honestly believed that by keeping him talking she could prevent what he intended doing; and second, she was really enjoying his company.

She wasn’t thinking just hours ahead, she was already putting a longer term plan together in her mind.

But that must wait. The time was certainly not right yet.

‘
Do you want to go on or perhaps we should wait until later?’ she asked.

‘
There’s going to be a later, is there?’

This time there was no irony in his smile; he was genuinely amused. Yes, she thought. He understood what she was trying to do but the more time she spent with him the guiltier she was going to feel if she failed.

‘
You’re going beyond the call of duty.’