In Darkness Lost (8 page)

I gave her a confused look. “The messenger said…”

“She’s dead.” The nurse’s tone was flat.

The news took a few minutes to sink in. But when it did, it stabbed into my very soul. I crumpled onto the floor. Crypt’s strong arms picked me up off the floor gently, and he set me in one of the waiting chairs.

“No.” I whispered. “She isn’t dead. They said she was doing fine. They said she was awake. Not dead.” Tears started rolling down my face, and I clung to Crypt. “She isn’t dead!” I shouted at the nurse. “You’re lying to me.” My voice softened. “Why are you lying to me?” I whimpered, clinging to Crypt’s forearms with my numb fingers.

Crypt looked at the nurse who was avoiding my glance. His words hit my eardrums, but I didn’t comprehend what he had said. I picked out only one word from the nurse’s reply. Poison. After that, I wasn’t coherent enough to comprehend anything.

I think I might have been screaming and sobbing because I could hear those sounds through the numb haze through which I was experiencing things. It continued – a sound of pure agony that jarred my ears – until I felt someone’s hands restraining me as a needle jabbed into my arm. After that, everything went black.

***

I think they took me back to my room in the palace after I passed out because that’s where I woke up, but I didn’t remember anything but those devastating words and the plunging, sinking feel as the medicine threw me into a dark, black world of nightmares. Those words echoed continuously in my mind now, just as they had in my nightmares.
She’s dead. Poison. She’s dead.
 

Sun streamed in through my window. It wasn’t the warm, inviting sort though. It was weak and drab on my stone floor.

I turned away from it, lying in bed without the will to live anymore. I closed my eyes, tears running out of the corners. I hated the light. Hated life. Hated whoever killed my mother. But most of all, I hated Cyril for ruining my life.

Yvette knocked on the door. When I made no reply, she entered with a tray of food.

The smell of my favorite sausage held no allure today though. Normally, this would get me out of bed immediately on days when I had slept in. But not today. Today, it nauseated me with its greasy smell.

I didn’t turn to my maid.

“My Lady?” Her voice was so filled with concern that it elicited nothing but more tears from me.

But I kept them quiet. They rolled down my cheek, cold and bitter in my mouth.

She sighed. “Take your time. Send one of the guards outside the door to get me when you’re ready to get up.”

I heard her skirt rustle as she walked out of the door.

When she was gone, I let the pent up sobs come. The tears seemed to scald my skin as though they were acid. My throat tightened and burned. My insides seemed to be on fire.

I wrapped my arms around myself as I lay there, warm under the covers, but heart as cold as stone. Was this what it felt like when you didn’t have anything to live for? When you had nothing to lose? It must be. Because I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to keep living for. My mother was the most important thing in my life, and now she was gone.

And Crypt. Thoughts of him only made me cry harder. I’d lost him too. He’d been so distant and formal in the last three weeks that I couldn’t help but feel that he was no longer my friend. No longer loved me.

I found myself almost wishing that Cyril would just win the war and kill me. I didn’t want to deal with any of this anymore, and without a shoulder to lean on, it was seeming more unbearable by the moment.

I remained in bed all day. Yvette came in to bring lunch and take the uneaten breakfast. She came again at dinner. But at dinner, she actually spoke to me. “My Lady, the Council asks that you decide on a date for the funeral.”

I didn’t answer.

“My Lady, please. I have to take an answer back to them.” She placed the bowl of soup and my glass of water on the end table.

“They can decide. I don’t care.”

She moved over to the chair to face me.

I opened my eyes to look at her.

The feelings I was experiencing were inexplicable. Or rather, I knew they were understandable, but they weren’t bearable, and they went beyond anything I could describe.

She looked back at me and wiped away a tear that was sliding down my cheek. “Now, my Lady, I know she meant everything to you, but you’ve got to understand something. Other people still need you. Your kingdom needs you in this war. If you give up, they will too, and many of them will die in the take-over of the kingdom. You can’t let that happen.”

I looked at her. “I can let that happen. I’m Queen. I can do whatever I want.”

She looked at me sadly. “Nay, my Lady. You are less free than I, a servant. But, if you do not care for your people and kingdom anymore, consider Crypt. That young man loves you very much, and I’d have to be blind not to see you love him back.”

I looked at the bedspread, playing with a tassel on the quilt. I couldn’t look at her. “He’s been distant lately. And I don’t care. Just tell the doctors to send something to knock me out again. If they don’t, I’ll start screaming.” I felt worn, and my belly roiled dangerously.

“No.”

I looked up at her, surprised. I should’ve felt something. Anger that she’d defied me, maybe. Or pain that she wouldn’t help me. Despair, even. But I was just cold. I didn’t feel anything. I was all cried out, and I didn’t have the strength to carry out my threats.

She looked at me as she stood. “I’m ashamed of you. Just giving up like that, Your Majesty. I always said you were a fighter so I did. But now? I wonder if I wasn’t mistaken.”

I looked at her dully. “I don’t care. I’m tired of this war. I’m tired of living. I’m tired of who I am. Maybe I’d rather just let Cyril win and come kill me. Then I’d be out of this prison you call life.” My words had no conviction, no force. They fell on my ears, flavorless, devoid of any emotion. Devoid of everything, in fact.

Her lips tightened into a hard line. “You should eat your dinner.”

I waved a weak hand at it. “I’m not hungry. Take it away.”

“No! You eat it.” She gave me an insistent look.

I pulled myself into a sitting position. “You can’t make me, and if you try, I’ll have you arrested. Leave me alone. I want to die, and if you won’t have the doctors give me something to keep me unconscious until I do, I’ll die of starvation.”

She looked at me, her eyes widening. “They’d put you into the hospital.”

“Let them. I don’t care. If they want to extend my miserable life, fine. Just do me a favor.” Finally, some feeling came into my voice. My words seemed to quiver with raw pain. “Make sure that I’m not awake to live through it. I don’t want to deal with it.”

She looked deep into my eyes, and her shoulders sagged. She’d seen the true extent of my desolation. Without a word, she turned and left the room.

I lay back down on my bed, pulling the covers over my head. I was numb now. I stared into the darkness of the room, stomach still churning, and suddenly, tears came again. I had thought I was all cried out from crying for nearly a whole day, but hot tears poured over my cheeks. I closed my swollen lids, feeling nothing but the dull ache of loss. After this night of tears, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to cry again.

***

I woke the next morning to find that someone was holding my hand. My eyes fluttered open in startled bewilderment. Then I saw Crypt.

“What…” But I couldn’t manage more.

My voice cracked from the lack of liquids and from my sobbing last night. I think I cried myself to sleep.

He patted my hand gently. “I know I wasn’t supposed to be back. But they called me back because you were doing so poorly. They said you would die if I didn’t. But I don’t get it, because I came back, and you aren’t dying.” His eyes met my swollen ones.

He brushed away the tears coming to my eyes over seeing him. So much for not crying ever again.

Soon I was shaking with the force of the sobs. He sat down on the bed and pulled me onto his lap. I buried my face in his shirt. It seemed safer somehow. Almost as though I was hidden. His arms enveloped me, providing an extra level of security.

When I was able to control my tears and breathing enough to speak, I looked up at him. “Why won’t they just let me die? I want to die.” My hand curled into balls against his chest, and I shivered.

He looked into my blue eyes. “You don’t want to die. Don’t say that.”

“I do want to die.” I stubbornly refused to give ground on it.

I continued to look at his eyes.

“Well, it doesn’t matter if you want to die. Because your people need you.” As soon as he said it, he looked into my eyes and he saw it wasn’t enough. “I need you.”

“You do not. You’ve frozen me out in the last week or so. Do you think I didn’t notice your formality and cold distance when we were visiting the last few encampments?” I dropped my gaze to my hands, which were still clenched against his chest.

He looked at me, eyes worn. For a moment, it almost seemed he would cry. He rested his forehead against mine. “And I’ve been dying inside every minute of that time.”

I looked up into his dark eyes again, startled. “But… I thought you… I thought you hated me. Why did you do it, then?” I searched his face for answers.

“Because I didn’t think I could or should let myself love you until I knew if we’d get out of this. Because I didn’t want to get you drawn into those feelings any further until we knew if we’d have a future. And… I couldn’t bear the thought of loving you just to lose you.” He brushed his lips across mine, and stared at me.

I put my arms around his neck, heart thudding. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why close yourself off to me? I thought I’d lost you, and… When I got back… When my mother was dead, I thought I’d lost everyone I cared about. I thought you didn’t care about me anymore.”

He shook his head. “That was never true.”

My eyes glittered with tears. Then he was kissing me. And the pain was starting to become bearable again. It felt like maybe, just maybe, I could face the world again. But only if I knew he was going to help me do it. Because I knew, even if no one else did, I couldn’t make it without his steady strength and loyal love guiding me.

I let myself fall into his kiss, not ever wanting it to stop. When it did, I looked at him. “Promise me that you won’t ever withdraw and leave me alone again.”

He looked at me. There, in his eyes, I saw something battling against his willingness to promise. I briefly wondered what it was.

 “Promise me…” I pressed, my voice softening.

“I promise. I love you, Dairdra, and I won’t let anything get in the way of that again.” His answer, when it finally came, was quiet and fierce.

I nodded. I wanted to ask him again if he’d ever consider marrying me, but I didn’t think either of us was ready to consider that option seriously yet.

“Thank you.” I pressed my lips against his again.

He kissed me back, and I tightened my grip on him. Despite his promise, I was still worried I might lose him again anyway. Scared that if I lost him, I might not get him back.

When he pulled away again, he whispered, “They’re holding your mother’s funeral in two days. I’ll stay with you for as long as you need, but you need to promise me not to think about dying again. You can’t leave me. Not after everything we’ve gone through. You can’t die now. You promise me that.” He looked at me, earnest.

I looked back, uncertain. “But what if I can’t help it? I am on the battlefield. I am the Queen, and I have to be out there leading my people. That’s not exactly safe.”

“Then just promise me that you’ll do everything in your power to avoid dying.”

“I think I can do that.” I nodded. “I promise you that, Crypt.” I whispered.

“And… One more thing… I’ll have to talk to the Council about it, but with their permission, when the war is over, will you marry me?” He smiled down at me.

I sat there, shocked and dizzy. He’d asked me! I had been beginning to think he never would. But he had. He’d finally asked me.

My voice dropped even quieter until he could barely hear my answer. “If we both live through this war, and you get the council’s approval, I’ll marry you, Crypt Valldresson.”

My words hung softly in my ears long after he went, and for the first time since the beginning of the war, I truly felt that we might be able to win the war after all. Crypt had agreed to help me, and he’d asked me to marry him.

And I’d said yes.

 I’d said yes!  

I smiled, laughing.

Walking to the window, I threw the shutters on the windows open to let the sun’s brilliant rays into my bedroom. I closed my eyes, soaking up the rays of warmth. Just yesterday, these rays had seemed piercing and cold, but now, they filled me with hope and joy.

Laughing, I leaned out the window slightly to look at the kingdom, which sprawled out beneath me in snowy hills. I grinned. “I said yes!” I whispered. “We’re going to get married. We really are. All I have to do is get us both through this war, and I can finally be happy. I can have that happily-ever-after ending I’ve always wanted.” I laughed, turning from the windows and spinning about in dizzying circles.

I finally collapsed onto the bed, out of breath. The room spun in giddy circles around me as the dizziness swooped over me. Finally, something had gone right after so much had gone wrong. I smiled up at the ceiling. Even in the storm, apparently, things could sometimes go right. Just when I thought nothing would ever go right again, something good happened to prove me wrong.
Well, it’s about time something went right.
I thought.