In Control (The City Series) (30 page)

Evelyn smiled again, and I could have sworn I saw tears in her eyes. “If I made you feel unwelcome in this house, I’m sorry for that,” she said genuinely. “You make my son happy and I can see that he makes you happy. I’d love to get to know you.” She held out her hand toward me, indicating for me to take it.

This was a completely foreign thing to me,
this whole making friends, falling in love, making an effort with the parentals thing. I’d never let myself get this close to anyone in such a short amount of time, but I knew my feelings for Wren and I needed to display them, so I took her small hand in mine.

“Thank you,” I said. “I appreciate you telling me these things, and I’m sorry if I’ve made it difficult to get to know me. It takes a while for me to open up.”

My pocket vibrated three times. As I predicted, the conversation lasted more than just a few minutes. I shouldn’t have cared that I wasn’t on time to meet Porter.

But I did.

“I’m gonna head to the beach for a bit.”

Evelyn had no idea where or what I was doing, but I wished she did so she could talk me out of it. The voices in my head told me not to go. They told me to go back upstairs and sneak into my boyfriend’s bed. They told me to not to give in to someone who broke me into pieces.

I ignored all of them.

I walked out of the Kavanagh house, took my phone out, and texted Porter back.

“Got held up. On my way.”

Just as I suspected, the beach was empty. I approached the spot Wren and I had spent the first hour of our vacation. I told myself I’d revisit this place with Wren,
not
with Porter.

He stood in the exact spot Wren and I had been lying. Before walking closer to Porter, I studied him where he stood, motionless on the sand. His hands were pushed into his jean pockets and his hair blew in every direction. His eyes were focused on the water, squinting just the slightest.

“Porter!” I called, walking up behind him.

He turned with a smile.

A smile that said
I’ve missed you.
A smile that said
I’m sorry.
A smile that said
you’re everything to me.
A smile I knew.

“I’m glad you could finally make it.” He took a step toward me, immediately forcing me to step back.

I had to keep my distance. I couldn’t handle being close to him because every time he was near, I could feel my chest caving in. “Why did you ask me to meet you?” My patience was practically non-existent, and I could feel myself clutching at my nerves as if they were the only thing keeping me alive.

I allowed myself a few more seconds to study him. He was still good looking. His hair was still blonde, some parts lighter than others. His face had become more sculpted over the years; he no longer looked like the young boy I worshiped. Smile lines rimmed his cheeks and a shadow of stubble appeared along his jaw. He looked like a young man.

My heart did the thing I hated most. Like a hammer, it pounded onto my chest, forcing me to acknowledge the fact that Porter still affected me.

“This was a bad idea.” I began backing away, feeling helpless in his company.

“Kingsley. Wait.”

Five fingers held onto my wrist and if I had an axe, I would have cut my own arm off in order to get away. I would have endured the pain and lived happily without one of my limbs if it meant never feeling his touch again.

I felt my face grow hot. My hands balled into fists. I began counting in my head, waiting to get to ten before shoving Porter away.

He let go after eight seconds.

“I just—” he began. “I’ve wanted to talk to you for so long. Explain some things.”

“There’s nothing to explain!” I yelled.

Porter closed his eyes and took in deep breaths before speaking again. His fingers were knotted together, giving every indication that he was trying his best to control his nerves. When he opened his eyes, a flash of the innocent boy came through.

“What do you want from me?” I choked out. I wanted to sound brave. I wanted to sound as if he didn’t have any control over me, but my body wouldn’t allow it. It wanted me to
feel
everything.

“Four years ago, when I said goodbye, it wasn’t my decision.”

I shook my head, confused by his words. “It
was
your decision.”

“It wasn’t,” he repeated, taking another step toward me.

This time I didn’t step back.

“The morning after that party we went to, my parents stormed into my bedroom. They asked me a ton of questions about what I had taken and who had given it to me. Because I didn’t give them any answers, they threatened to send me to a boarding school. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to be sent away, so I told them your foster dad sold me shrooms, thinking it would be the easiest way out of it without getting either of us in trouble.”

My cheeks burned. My ankles felt as if they could give out at any second. The more Porter explained, the more I hated him...and I never thought I could hate him any more than I had. The weeks after I was taken out of the Hendersons’ care were terrifying. Not the kind of terrifying I witnessed when I was in their care, but an entirely different horrible situation. I woke up every day knowing that I was too old to be in the system. I spent my days watching younger kids upset over the idea of not being good enough. My life was turned upside down by a boy I thought I loved.

“You have no idea what your lies did to my life!”

“I don’t, and I’m sorry, I—”

I cut him off. “You aren’t sorry! You ruined my life. You fucking lied to me. Our entire relationship was a fucking lie!”

I turned, committing myself to walking away from Porter once and for all, but his arms wrapped around my waist. His lips moved toward my ear, and as infuriated as I was at what he’d done, as infuriated as I was at the way he
still
had control over my emotions, I couldn’t push him away. I couldn’t move a single inch for fear of falling to pieces and becoming as tiny as the granules under my feet.

“I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

His breath hit my ear, and as many times as I imagined this moment, the moment where Porter would tell me he was sorry, I never once thought I’d be the one that wanted to walk away for good.

I turned and pushed his body away from mine, needing the distance to be able to speak.

“You have no idea what you caused in my life. Will you always be my first love? Yes. But that’s all you’ll
ever
be. My memories of you tarnished the minute you told me you didn’t love me anymore.”

“I didn’t mean it!”

“You meant every word. You never loved me, Porter. You were selfish and you thought love meant getting drunk together. Having meaningless sex. You never asked about my life and I never felt the need to tell you. The love we thought we had for each other wasn’t real!”

Porter’s chest heaved up and down. “My love for you
was
real, I just couldn’t tell my parents the truth. I didn’t want them knowing how addicted I was to alcohol or anything else, for that matter!”

His words ignited something inside of me. Love isn’t something you hide from. Love isn’t something you trade in. Love is a priority. It’s the one thing in people’s lives that makes them want to live.

It’s the one thing in my life that’s kept me breathing.

“I won’t ever love you, Porter. You’re nothing to me.”

I would have been able to enjoy my words more had I not seen Wren storming down the beach to where Porter and I were standing.

“What the fuck is going on?” Wren screamed.

He walked past me, his eyes only focused on one thing. Porter. Before I realized what was happening, Porter’s back was on the sand and Wren was above him.

“What the fuck do you want with my girlfriend?” Wren’s face was bright red; fury overwhelming his features. Without giving him a chance to answer, Wren’s hand wrapped around Porter’s throat while the other balled into a fist, ready to strike.

“Wren, stop!” I ordered, grabbing onto his arm.

“Why would you want me to stop? Do you love him?” He looked from me to Porter.

“No!” I yelled, without hesitation. “I don’t love him!”

“But I love her,” Porter gasped out.

No more words were spoken. Wren’s arm escaped my hold, and his fist collided into Porter’s face. I watched, not able to move a muscle. My eyes were glued on the only two men who had ever owned a piece of my heart.

The violence I endured as a child did me no favors as I watched it ensue between Wren and Porter. I felt each punch as if I were on the receiving end again. As much as I hated Porter, I couldn’t stand by and watch someone be beaten.

“Stop!” I pleaded, stepping forward to grab back onto Wren’s arm. “Stop!”

Blood trickled down Porter’s face. His body lay in the sand, his knees tucked into his chest. He covered his face with both arms, protecting it in case Wren chose to strike again. Wren stood above him, keeping his fists balled at his sides. His sharp inhalations resulted in his entire body shaking. I’d never seen a more terrifying look than the one Wren was wearing. He looked positively ferocious.

I closed my eyes, my body leaning toward Porter, my feet wanting to move to him. I hated him, but he was hurt. I hated him, but I couldn’t stand there and watch him bleed. Before I moved to help Porter, I felt Wren’s fingers on my wrist.

“You’re dying to help him, aren’t you?” Wren asked, sadness brimming his voice.

Porter loved me for almost two hundred days. In those two hundred days, I laughed more than I ever imagined possible, I learned to love myself, and I was able to escape my own personal hell. I loved Porter for many more days than my calendar said. Some of those days were before we ever spoke a word, the other ones were actually reciprocated. The day he told me he stopped loving me was the day I lit every bit of love I felt for him on fire. For years, I blamed myself for falling for Porter. For years, I refused to let myself fall for anyone else.

And then Wren came along and changed everything.

My insides were twisting in agony. I wanted to help Porter, but that was only because I knew how it felt feeling as if every bone in your body was broken. I also knew that if bent down to help Porter, Wren would walk away from me.

I heard Wren repeat his question. “You’re dying to help him, aren’t you?”

I focused my eyes on Wren’s, knowing that they expressed more than my words could. Before I could answer, Porter coughed, the noise making me break eye contact with Wren. I looked down at Porter, hoping he would stand up, but he was barely moving.

I kneeled down and that’s all it took for Wren to walk away.

In that moment, I could have ran after Wren.

But I didn’t.

I could have yelled for him to stop, explaining that I just needed to make sure Porter was alive.

But I didn’t.

I kneeled down, pressed my fingertips against Porter’s neck, and made sure there was a pulse.

When I felt it, that’s when I looked up, but Wren was already out of sight.

“Porter,” I said, shaking him gently. “Porter, you need to wake up.”

He moved his hand slightly and a moan escaped his mouth.

“Porter, please, open your eyes.”

He slowly peeled one eye open, a small smile creeping on his lips. “Your boyfriend is a real asshole.”