In a Heartbeat (Heartbeat #1) (11 page)

“You just admitted being in an accident. I wanted to make sure you knew what you were doing.”

“It wasn’t my fault. The stupid fuck had been drinking and cut a red light, slamming into us. There was nothing I could do. Thankfully, the car took all the damage and we got out without a scratch.”

“We?” Stella felt her pulse quicken once again. This sounded so much like déjà vu; the driver who had killed her family had cut a red light and been drunk. And Max hadn’t been alone.

“Yeah, me and Lisa.”

No, no, no, no!

“I thought she’d told you ...”

Stella couldn’t speak, because her throat had completely closed off, so she just shook her head. Lisa had been in a car accident recently. What was wrong with this world? Did everyone she loved have to be killed in a car crash? That was her worst fear coming to life. Just when she thought she’d managed to overcome it.

The car slowed down and pulled to a stop. Stella tried to push her anxiety down and, looking out of the window, realised they weren’t in front of Lisa’s house yet.

“Why are you stopping?” she asked Max, turning to face him. He had that look again – worry mixed with regret. He didn’t say anything, just unbuckled his seat belt and brushed a tear from her cheek with his thumb.

Stella hadn’t even realised she was crying.

Perfect. Can this get any more embarrassing?

He didn’t ask if she was fine, because obviously she wasn’t. There was no point any more in denying how she felt. But still, she couldn’t bring herself to tell him exactly how she felt right now.

They stayed in silence for a few moments before Max spoke.

“When my dad died, I went off the rails, big time. I drank and partied every night, slept with every girl that showed a remote interest in me. I wasn’t interested in anything or anybody. My mum was grieving in her own way, burying herself in work, and was rarely home. Gia was busy trying to graduate with good grades and applying for colleges. I felt everyone had deserted me. I started getting into fights and causing trouble everywhere I showed up.

“It lasted more than two years. I was a mess and didn’t see any way out. Until one night I got into a fight, and the guy I beat up ended up in a coma for a week. He barely survived. No charges were raised against me, because I had run off and left him for dead. He’d had drugs on him and had been stoned out of his mind when the ambulance came. He didn’t even remember who’d put him in hospital.

“I’d almost killed someone, and I didn’t even remember why. That was the wake-up call I needed to try and sort myself out. It was either that or end up in prison, or worse. I needed to deal with my father’s death. Accept it and move on. So I quit drinking and partying and found a support group for young people who’d lost their parents. I figured I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. That’s where I met Lisa, and her friendship has been a vital part of my recovery.”

The whole time he’d been talking he’d looked straight ahead through the windscreen. Stella couldn’t see his eyes, but she imagined they were full of emotion. She also thought that he didn’t tell this story to just anyone. He’d done it to pave the way for her to share her own feelings with him.

She reached over the gear shift and took his right hand in hers. Max turned his head towards her and he seemed surprised. He hadn’t known how she’d react to his past and the fact that he’d almost killed someone for no reason.

“You should be proud of yourself, Max. Despite everything, you managed to dig yourself out of that hole. Not many people can say that. It’s so much easier to let go and fall even further down.” She squeezed his hand to reassure him that she meant what she said. He nodded and Stella knew it was her turn to speak.

“I ... I’m scared of cars. But I can’t spend my life being afraid of this or that. So I climb in the car when I have to, grit my teeth and endure the ride. I’ve become so good at suppressing my fear that people don’t even notice how uncomfortable I am anymore. What I can never imagine doing is driving a car myself. Although I can guarantee that I’ll never drink and drive or be reckless behind the wheel, I can never guarantee that I won’t crash into someone through no fault of my own and change someone’s life just like ...”

Stella paused and gulped back her tears. Five years had passed and still talking about her father’s and brother’s deaths wasn’t getting any easier. Max squeezed her hand in turn and when she looked at him, his eyes were urging her to go on.

“My life changed in a heartbeat. Just like that” – she snapped her fingers – “everything was taken away from me. My dad and Eric were dead; my cousin and best friend, the only person who knew exactly how I felt, was moving to another country; my aunt didn’t even want to keep in touch. My greatest fear to this day is that people I care about will be torn away from my life and I won’t be able to do anything about it. I realise that’s what most people are afraid of, but I know how it feels at first hand and I never want to go through it again.

“I fight that fear every single day, because I don’t want to spend my life not actually
living
it, but being
afraid
of it. I don’t want to detach myself from the people I care about just because I’m afraid of losing them.” She paused and deliberated in her head whether she should say what came next or not. “I don’t want not to be able to fall in love because I’m scared that my heart will be broken one way or another.”

Her eyes never left his as she said those last words.

*

Getting Stella to open up to him felt like an incredible achievement. She always seemed reserved, even after he’d admitted how he felt about her.

I don’t want not to be able to fall in love because I’m scared that my heart will be broken one way or another.

The way she’d said that, looking straight into his eyes, it felt like an admission. And yet, just this morning on the beach, she’d said she didn’t want to use him as a summer fling and hurt Lisa in the process. What was Max supposed to think now?

The only thing he
could
think about was how much he wanted to kiss her. He couldn’t remember ever sharing such a moment with someone. Lisa and Beppe were the only people he’d ever talked to about his dad and his feelings. Even Gia didn’t know exactly how hard he’d found it to get over their father’s death.

But if he kissed her, there would be no going back. He wouldn’t care about any consequences. However, he couldn’t be sure that Stella wouldn’t care either. He wouldn’t be able to take it if he kissed her and then she rejected him.

In the end his instinct for self-preservation won. He pulled his hand out of hers and repositioned himself back in his seat. He could feel her disappointment as she moved back in her seat as well. He was disappointed, too, but he should give her some space to think. He’d made it perfectly clear that he wanted to be with her, and until she was a hundred per cent sure she wanted that as much as he did, he wasn't going to push her.

If she rejected him again, he wouldn’t be able to be around her anymore. He’d much rather spend time with her than kiss her now, only to make things awkward tomorrow when her conscience kicked in again.

Max started the car and they drove in silence the rest of the way. They had shared a lot and both needed some time to process the information.

Soon, he parked in front of Lisa’s house and killed the engine.

“I’m glad you came tonight.”

“Me too.” Stella smiled at him and he mirrored her grin. Her eyes dipped to his lips for a second and Max had to fist his hands to stop himself from grabbing her and pulling her to him. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Thanks for the ride.”

“
Ciao, tesoro. A domani
.” He could see the effect he had on her as he spoke in Italian and he loved it. The mere thought of her not being able to resist him was a huge turn-on.

He had a sneaking suspicion that she’d get there sooner or later.

*

The light in Lisa’s room was still on, although it was very late. Stella had hoped she’d still be up. Climbing the stairs as quietly as she could, because her aunt must be asleep by now, Stella knocked softly on her cousin’s door.

“Hey, I was waiting for you,” Lisa said, as she closed the book she was reading. She was dressed in her pyjamas and was lying propped on her elbow on the bed.

“You didn’t have to. You’ve been at work all day.” Stella sat on the bed next to her cousin and tugged her legs underneath her.

“I wanted to see you. I feel as if since you’ve arrived all I’ve done is work or worry about work. I want to spend more time with you.”

“Lis, stop it. I’m OK. Any time you can spend with me is fine.”

“Listen, tomorrow I’m free during the day, I just have to do the art class in the evening. Let’s do something. We can go to Mum’s spa and get our nails done or get a massage. We can go to the beach ... I don’t know – you decide.”

“I’d like that – spa and beach.” They both giggled, but soon Stella’s face grew serious.

“What’s wrong?” Lisa asked. “Did Max hit on you again?” She frowned.

“No, it’s not that. We had a great time tonight. We’re even going to dinner tomorrow.”

“Like a date?” Lisa tried to hide her disapproval, but failed. It only cemented Stella’s suspicion that she wouldn’t like them to hook up. Max had done the right thing when he resisted kissing her tonight. If he hadn’t, they would’ve been having a very different conversation right now.

“No, like friends having a meal together.”

Stella understood why Lisa didn’t want her to get involved with one of her closest friends, but despite that she felt a bit annoyed. Would it be so bad if she and Max dated while she was here? But she couldn’t afford to think like that just now.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were in a car accident?” she asked, changing the subject abruptly.

Lisa was stunned into silence. First there was shock on her face, then realisation. And then something else which Stella couldn’t identify, because her cousin hid it almost immediately.

“He told you.” She said it softly, not accusingly.

“Yes, he did. Why didn’t
you
?”

“You know why, Stella. What’s the point? We’re fine. The only thing that the information would have caused you was unnecessary distress.”

Stella knew she was right, but still she felt like a weak, vulnerable, broken person who everyone had to tiptoe around. She hated that.

“I can handle it, Lis. I can deal with my own shit; you don’t have to protect me.” She didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but that was how she felt.

“I know you can. You’re one of the strongest people I know, Stella. I admire you for how you’ve dealt with everything life has thrown at you. I just didn’t see the point of telling you – what would you have done?”

“I could have at least been there for you. I bet that crash brought so many memories back.”

“It did. That’s also why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to feel what I felt. I was a mess for days. But you know what? I managed to pull myself out of that black hole and I feel much better now. Not only about my accident, but about
theirs
as well.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know how to explain it exactly. I think I wasn’t over what happened with Dad and still hadn’t dealt with it completely. But being in a similar situation myself, I felt as if by overcoming my own experience, I somehow managed to fully accept what had happened to them as well. It probably makes no sense ...”

“No, it does. I understand. And, in a weird way, I’m glad.”

“You’re glad I was in a car accident?” Lisa teased her and Stella grinned.

“Yeah. I’m glad you were in a car accident. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d say.”

They talked for a while longer. Lisa chatted excitedly about the art gallery and how she’d sold a very expensive painting today. The guy who had bought it was impressed with Lisa’s knowledge of the arts, despite her young age. He’d said he’d personally request her assistance the next time he visited the gallery. She also told Stella how impressed she was with one of her students in class, who had a unique style and whose work was getting better and better after every class.

Stella loved to listen to Lisa talk. Soon, her eyelids grew heavy and she started to drift away to sleep. Her last thought was that she wasn’t in her own bed, but she was so tired and so comfortable that she didn’t care. She fell asleep right beside Lisa, while her words sounded like the best bedtime story.

Chapter Nine

When Stella woke up, the sun was already high up in the sky and shining in through Lisa’s see-through curtains. Her cousin was still asleep next to her. Realising she had fallen asleep in the wrong room made all the events from last night flood her still-drowsy brain. A headache threatened to bubble up to the surface, so Stella decided it was time for some exercise. And coffee. Definitely coffee.

Getting out of the room as quietly as possible so that she didn’t wake Lisa, Stella descended the stairs to the kitchen. Her aunt was having coffee and reading a paper.

“Hey, sweetheart. How are you?” she asked with a smile.

“I’m good, thanks. I fell asleep in Lisa’s bed last night – we talked until 2 a.m. I need my caffeine fix.”

“I’m glad you girls reconnected. Lisa missed you like crazy.”