Imperfectly Perfect (23 page)

"Sure."

I listened to him close the door behind him. He took a deep breath before shuffling towards me on my bed.

I felt him sit down on the edge. Even though we fought more than anything else lately, I felt better just knowing that he was there; like I always did. We stayed that way, me gazing at the wall and him sitting on the edge of my bed looking at the door. It seemed as if there was nothing left to be said and that petrified me. Something had happened to us and I couldn't take it anymore.

"I love you Em," he spoke softly.

The tears started streaming down my face, pooling onto my pillow. "I know you do Shane," I said rolling over so that I was facing his back. He continued staring at the door. "I love you too. I don't want to fight with you...

"No," he interrupted, "I mean it. He turned his head, just enough so that his eyes finally locked upon mine. "I l
ove
you."

"What are you saying?" I asked. It felt stupid saying it, but it was the only thing I could think of at the moment; I was truly confused.

He turned away from me as I propped myself up. I grabbed his shoulder to turn him back towards me. I was always able to understand him better when I could get a look at his face. I knew all of his looks like the back of my hand; confusion, anger, hate, sadness, empathy, joking. But none of these looks were on his face at that moment.

I had been so wrapped up in my own life that I hadn't taken the time to really notice before but it was as if he looked tormented, possibly even in pain. I had seen this look daily over and over for months. I had attributed it to work, but in reality I believed I had been the one tormenting him. I felt my stomach lurch.

"I'm trying to say that things have changed for me Em," he stood up from the bed and began pacing anxiously. "I love you. I love you more than I even understand. I don't know why it took me all these years to realize it, but I do. I hate that you're hurting, and I know that this really isn't the best time but these past few months have been hell for me. I just wanted you to be happy, to have everything that you wanted; but at the same time I wanted you to be mine."

He walked back towards me and knelt down in front of my bed, "I
still
want you to be mine."

Dizzy, I sat up and put my head in between my knees. Sensing I was beginning to lose it, he continued talking in an attempt to calm me down.

"I...when..." he stopped to take a deep breath, "when you went home for you parent's anniversary. You called me, remember?"

I nodded gently, trying to prevent the dizziness from returning.

"You were so upset. I listened to you cry yourself to sleep, and while you slept I realized that I loved you. I realized that I loved you more than I had been telling myself all these years. I planned on telling you when you got home, but you had already made up your mind. It always comes back to you and me Emma, it's always been you and I and I know you feel it too."

In that instant, I was confused and blindsided, but mostly I was angry. I thought back to last few months and the trouble Shane and I had experienced in our friendship and it all made sense.

"Get out." I rolled and turned my tear soaked face back to the wall.

"Em...don't," he pleaded as he lightly touched my back.

I shrugged him away. Shane was my best friend and I couldn't help but feel betrayed, hurt, and scared.

"Why now?" I questioned, "why?"

"I'm tired of trying to be perfect to keep from letting you down. It gets old ignoring the elephant in the room." His words were harsh and full of honesty. "Besides," he continued, "better late than never, right? I guess, I just needed you to know, and to understand why I've acted the way I have."

"You realize that this changes everything Shane," I wiped the tears from my eyes as I spoke, "things will never be the same for us again."

"Things haven't been the same for me for awhile now Em. And to be honest, it can't get much worse. I'm tired of fighting with you," he sighed. "I know that I can't make you love me, but you just need to understand."

"Understand what?" I seethed as I looked towards him again.

"You need to understand why I just can't be your friend anymore," he said, "because you can't have the best of both worlds."

I felt my face flush. "All I needed was your support, I didn't need this. My life is shit, and you keep piling it on!" I felt the anger rising within myself. I was so hurt and betrayed. "Jesus Christ! You just need to get out of my room...NOW!" I yelled. I cringed watching the color leave his face and his jaw tighten. I couldn't stand to look at the hurt in his face any longer so I flipped back onto my bed and stared at the wall.

"I'm sorry Em," he said, "I agree that my timing is shit and maybe I should have told you sooner, but you needed to know. I can't change the past or how I feel, trust me I've tried. I hate that I love you."

I felt him rise from the bed, and listened to him shuffle towards the door.

He paused as he reached for the doorknob, "I'm sorry that my timing is awful but at least now you know where I'm at."

I lay there in bed for hours. Just crying and thinking, trying to make sense of what I was feeling. For the first time in my life I wished that I had a girlfriend to talk to. Too bad Ginger turned out to be a backstabbing skank. I tried to think of someone I could talk to. Obviously my sister and mother were a bad choice, since my admission of pain would only result in an 'I told you so'. I needed a good listener, and there were only a handful of those people in my life. Normally Shane would be the one I ran to in my time of need, but there was one other man who I placed on the same level as him.

I picked up my iPhone and quickly punched in the familiar numbers. It rang twice before that familiar voice picked up and said, "Yello."

"Hey Dad."

"Hey Beauty. How are ya?"

"Not so good, actually," I took a deep breath, "that's why I'm calling."

"Oh, your mom told me about Bradley," he said, "but don't let that get you down Emma, you're stronger than that."

I shook my head. Of course he would think that Bradley was still bothering me. "No it's not that Dad."

"Well what's going on out there?"

I tried to think of a way to say what I needed to, but I couldn't come up with anything better than, "Shane's in love with me."

"And?" he questioned.

"And, I'm upset. He's ruined our friendship! Things will never be the same between us."

"Oh Emma," he chuckled.

Was my father really laughing at me? This was a serious matter. "It's not funny Dad!"

"You're right it's not, but the fact that you're acting like its some big surprise and betrayal is funny."

I tried-albeit unsuccessfully-to process what he said, "What do you mean 'like it's some big surprise'?"

"Emma, your mother and I have watched you and those boys grow up together. I may be a man but I'm an observant one, and I know that that boy has loved you for a long time."

I started to stutter and attempt to argue, but Dad raised his voice and continued. "Now let me finish. You wanted my opinion, and I am going to give it to you. You see, you and Tyler have always been close and I know that he cares for you deeply but you'll always be like a little sister to him. Now Shane, that's another story. You may have started off just being buddies, but I knew he had it in for you the night of your senior prom."

I walked over to my desk and grabbed the picture that had sat there for years. The three of us standing on my front porch dressed in our finest garb. Shane, Tyler, and I had all decided to go stag. That went over like a fart in church with the boys' girlfriends', but they had promised them unlimited dancing in exchange for us to go in a limo alone. I tried to recall the details of the night, but it seemed like a lifetime ago and nothing stuck out for me.

"Senior prom? Really Dad?" I asked, "I think you're crazy."

"You didn't see what I saw."

My father was always so elusive and I wasn't in the mood, "Can you just get to the point already?"

He cleared his throat, "The boys came to the house before you left in the limo? Remember?"

"Yes, Dad."

"Just checking. You were upstairs with your mom finishing getting ready. So the boys and I sat watching something on TV drinking Coke. We talked a bit, but mostly paid attention to the TV. Your mother rushed downstairs and said you were coming."

I remembered that part clearly, I had been so annoyed with her for making such a fuss; she was forever making a big deal out of nothing.

"From the corner of my eye," he continued his trip down memory lane, "I saw Shane stand up as I did. I was curious because it seemed strange that he would have such a response to your presence. So, I turned to look at him and saw that he was beaming with pride."

By that point I was laughing, obviously Dad was just trying to make me feel better by making a joke out of the entire situation.

"Oh my god Dad!" I cried, "you're stretching it aren't you?"

"Jesus Christ, would you be quiet and let me finish!" I could hear the frustration in my father's voice and I knew he was being serious. "Now where was I? Oh right, the look on his face. So, when I noticed how he seemed to be so smitten, it sparked my interest. Maybe it was just a friend thing, I didn't know. I had never had female friends, so I turned to my left… expecting to see a similar look on Tyler's face. But you know what I saw?"

"What?"

"That boy hadn't even stood up. In fact he was still watching TV, didn't even seem to notice that you were in the room. That was just the first of many clues. Since then there have been other things I've noticed. He looks for subtle ways to touch you, his protectiveness, and the pebbles you didn't think I heard hitting your window. Whether or not
he
realized it, that boy has loved you for a long time."

I hung up with my father a few minutes later. I had called him hoping to bring some peace to my whirling mind, yet after talking to him I seemed more confused than ever. I glanced down at the picture of Shane, Tyler, and myself at our senior prom and tried to remember details from the night more clearly.

Maine. June 2002.

The DJ picked up the microphone, announcing the last song for the evening. He instructed us to grab someone special and send the night out in style. I laughed to myself as I tied up my sneakers. Someone special? I was beginning to think that such a person didn't exist.
I'd changed out of my dress as soon as Shane, Tyler and I had performed our new dance routine in front of the whole graduating class. It had been a hit of course. I could have done with a shower, but since that wasn't exactly an option I just threw on my jeans in preparation for the after party. The song began to play and I sat and watched my classmates hug each other tight; pretending that all this mattered.

"Having fun, Scrooge?"

I looked up to find Shane hovering over me grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"As a matter of fact being a party pooper is a blast."

"So you probably wouldn't want to dance with your best friend," he asked holding out his hand. "Would you?"

I smiled as I put my hand in his, "I suppose I could make an exception." We walked out onto the dance floor as Boyz II Men boomed through the gym.

"So where's Christy?" I asked.

"She left."

"Oh man, she must be pissed… she lives for this stuff."

"Yeah, we fought whenever we were around each other tonight. Not coming in a limo with her really sent her off the deep end."

"You guys having problems?" I questioned as we swayed awkwardly to the music.

"Yeah," he answered, "have been for awhile."

I felt bad that I had no idea, what a crappy friend I was. "I'm sorry buddy. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Well, maybe. She's convinced that you and I have a 'thing'.

"A thing," I laughed.

"I know," he continued, "it's ridiculous. She's jealous of our relationship, and she's always accusing me of being more in love with you than her."

"So what do you want me to do?" I probed.

"Could you talk to her? Try and explain it to her."

While Christy and I had never had a stellar relationship, I at least had to try for Shane. "Sure thing."

He leaned in and gave me a hug just as the song ended and the ugly florescent lights came on.

"I knew I could count on you," he said. "She's meeting me at the bonfire, let's go."

As Shane and I drove to the gravel pit, we talked about heading to NYU in a few months. The prospect of city life was exciting, and we couldn't wait to see what the future held for us. Tyler was already at the party with Bridgette and he was half in the bag. Christy was there too; her gorgeous black hair still fashioned in her prom-do. She sat next to the fire by herself. She looked miserable.