Imagined Love (3 page)

“Shut your stupid mouth,” Miles said and slapped Willa so hard she felt like electricity was pulsating through her face! “I told you about talking to me crazy like that, didn’t I? Didn’t I?” he groaned through gritted teeth.

Willa still refused to be quiet, though. The more he manhandled her, the more she insulted and antagonized him. And even though she fought back, it was nearly impossible for Willa to hurt him. Miles was 6’5” and nearly 300 pounds so the few kicks and punches she managed to land didn’t even faze him.

He grabbed Willa by the back of her neck like a puppy and pushed her into the kitchen to get the broom and dustpan. The whole while he warned her to be quiet and nearly knocked her unconscious when she wouldn’t! Miles left her sprawled on the kitchen floor dazed, but finally quiet, while he cleaned the mess he’d made in their bedroom. His obsessive-compulsive disorder prevented him from leaving things in disarray.

Later that afternoon, as was the case after all of their fights, Miles was remorseful. He swore it would never happen again, if she promised to stop egging him on. To his surprise Willa didn’t say anything. She just turned over in bed and cried herself to sleep.

The next morning Miles’s Construction Company had a huge job in Hammond and he left at the crack of dawn to arrive on site. Willa called in sick at the insurance agency where she worked as a secretary in order to keep her appointment. She was scheduled to have an abortion and wanted it done before anyone even knew she was pregnant! At first Willa didn’t think she could go through with it. However, the bruises on her face and neck made her decide to keep

the appointment. There was no way she could subject another child to the hell she was living. Willa felt guilty enough that Jade had to endure it.

“Oh god, I don’t have time for this,” Willa had muttered after she hung up the phone and spotted a trail of ants making its way up the wall outside of Jade’s bedroom. “Oh, lord,” she whispered, trying not to wake her daughter. Willa saw where the ants were coming from and worked diligently to get rid of them. Afterwards she took a shower and had just put on her makeup when Jade barged into the bathroom.

“Where’s Baby Alive,” she asked, frantically.

Willa was hoping to avoid having to explain the fate of her child’s favorite doll until she could replace it with another one. As it turned out, Baby Alive was the source of her early morning pest problem. Apparently Jade had taken too literally the idea that the doll could eat like a real baby. So three days ago she decided to cut a bigger hole in the doll’s mouth to feed her a real breakfast that consisted of pancakes drenched in Alga syrup, bacon, and eggs scrambled with cheddar cheese! Poor Baby Alive was infested with the biggest ants Willa had ever seen and the only thing she could think to do was put the doll in a garbage bag and dumped it in one of the cans outside. Thankfully, Thursday was trash pick up day for the residents on E. Ridge Road and Baby Alive wouldn’t have long to wait before she ended up at the city dump.

Confronted with a hysterical child, however, Willa was forced to explain why the doll had to be thrown out. She promised to have a new one by the time she picked Jade up from school, but that did nothing in the way of calming the girl. Instead of understanding that it was her own fault Baby Alive had to be thrown away, Jade threw the worst tantrum Willa had ever witnessed. Then she had the audacity to storm out the back door heading for the trash cans as if she really thought the doll was coming back into the house.

Before Willa could stop herself, she had snatched Jade by her long, brown ponytail and twirled her around. “Shut up!” she’d screamed directly in her daughter’s face. “Shut up right now before I give you something to cry about! I’m so sick of you whining and pouting all the time! If your stupid butt hadn’t forced food down her throat then she wouldn’t be in the garbage, would she? And I’m not buying another one. I work like a dog to give you all the things I never had and all you do is complain and whine. Just shut up!”

Jade was initially stunned. Willa had never reacted so harshly to her little fits of rage. “I hate you and I won’t cry when Daddy beats you up again!” she yelled before wrestling herself free. Jade ran back inside the house slamming the door behind her.

Willa was so enraged that she could barely suppress the urge to run behind Jade and beat her senseless! All she could think about was how she’d put up with

all kinds of nonsense just so her child’s life wouldn’t be upset or inconvenienced. Willa had stayed with a man she hated believing it was somehow in Jade’s best interest to grow up in a two-parent home that at least appeared stable. She had sacrificed her youth and her dreams trying to do the “right thing” and all she got in return was an ungrateful brat, a husband who couldn’t keep his hands to himself, and a mother who despised her no matter what she did!

“All y’all can go to hell!” she’d said then stormed back inside the house.

The passenger door hadn’t even closed completely when Willa sped out of the parking lot at Franklin Elementary. She didn’t kiss Jade goodbye or wait until the girl was safely inside like she normally did. Willa was fed up and decided that her life as a wife and mother had come to an end! She just didn’t want to be bothered anymore.

Missed opportunities and the life she once dreamed of having filled Willa’s mind as she drove home to get her things. Tears stung at her eyes but she was too angry to let them fall. She just wanted to get as far away from being Mrs. Caldwell and all the things that entailed. So with quick efficiency she packed the majority of her clothes, loaded the bags in her car, and sped away before Miles made a premature return home.

The clinic where Willa was scheduled to have an abortion was in Chicago. During the forty-five minute drive she daydreamed about starting a new life. With a thousand dollars tucked away in her purple Crown Royal bag and a roadmap in the glove compartment, Willa felt optimistic for the first time in years. All she had to do was end the pregnancy and her new life could begin—or so she thought. The receptionist gave her a clipboard of forms to fill out and she dissolved into tears.

“I can’t,” she whimpered then ran back to her car. It took a while for Willa to regain her composure. She felt lost and confused about what to do next. Having another child was completely undesirable, but getting rid of it just wasn’t something she could bring herself to do. “What am I gonna do?” Willa asked, as she laid her head against the steering wheel and sobbed.

After an hour, still not quite sure what to do, Willa reapplied her makeup and headed over to the open air market known as “Jew Town”. The aroma coming from the Vienna Beef Hot Dog cart quickly lifted her mood. “Hmmm,” Willa hummed after the first bite of what she called a little piece of heaven! It was the first time she’d smiled all day. She thanked the vendor then headed down Maxwell Street to see if a little shopping could keep that smile on her face. Of course it did since buying clothes, shoes, and jewelry was what Willa loved doing most. And even though it made absolutely no sense, she spent nearly half of the “get free of Miles” money she’d been hiding.

“Well, hello there, pretty lady. How you doing today?” one of the vendors flirted. “I got some wonderful stuff in today if you wanna come take a look.”

“Oh no, I’ve been shopping for hours and already spent too much,” Willa smiled. She was about to walk away when a row of Baby Alive dolls caught her attention. “What am I doing?” she burst into tears. “What the hell am I doing?”

“Are you okay, ma’am?”

“Let me get that doll,” she said, wiping tears from her face. Willa paid the man then snatched the bag from his hands and took off running to her car. She felt sick to her stomach! What kind of woman could walk out on her own child? Nobody would blame her for leaving Miles, but what about Jade? What had she done to deserve being abandoned by her mother? So Willa sped back to the highway but an accident and road work on the I-80 had traffic at a stand still. She sobbed as they inched along, hating herself more with each mile.

“And if that wasn’t bad enough,” Willa said, “I spent five minutes calling out to some little girl that I actually thought was Jade! I mean, how crazy do you have to be not to recognize your own child? I probably scared that baby to death screaming out my car window like a fool!” she managed to laugh. “But deep down I wished it was Jade so I wouldn’t have to deal with that craziness in the office. I already felt like the world’s worst mother and I didn’t need anyone else confirming it for me. I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid.”

Cicely squeezed Willa’s hand. “You’re gonna have a baby,” she cooed then hugged her. “I think that’s wonderful! And don’t even worry about that other stuff, girl. We all have those moments with our kids. We love them but that don’t mean they don’t get on our nerves. Shoot, kids can be the most selfish and inconsiderate creatures in the world. But ir-regardless of all that stupid stuff they our kids, Willa, and they need us to buck up and do what we gotta do.”

The truth was Willa was sick of bucking up. She just wanted to be free! Free to do whatever she wanted without the responsibility of caring for anyone other than herself. She wanted to be seventeen again to rewrite history and choose the life she’d always dreamed of having instead of the one she felt saddled with. However, as reality would have it, Willa was forced to accept that those selfish desires died the day she chose to become a wife and mother. Jade and the baby were her priorities and she had to do what was best for them.

“It won’t always be like this, Willa,” Cicely said confidently. “One day we’ll be crying happy tears because everything is going good in our life for once. The man that’ll treat you right will come along and hopefully he’ll have a brother for me,” she laughed.

“I hope you’re right about that. I’ve been waiting for Mr. Right for a long time now. I wish he’d show up on a horse so I can recognize him!” Willa laughed.

“I heard that,” Cicely smiled. “So listen, girlfriend. Why don’t you and Jade just stay here with us? This pulls out into a bed,” she stated, patting the couch they

were sitting on, “so you’ll have a comfortable place to sleep and figure out what you wanna do. And you know the girls gone wanna stay together so Jade can be with them.”

“Thanks, Cicely, I appreciate that. I really do. And I’ll probably take you up on that offer soon. But Miles will . . .”

“Girl, forget Miles! You gotta think about what’s best for you and Jade and that baby you carrying! Like you was telling your mama earlier, you teaching Jade to stand on her own two feet. So what kind of message are you sending if you keep going back to a man putting his hands on you? Seriously, Willa. So gone and get some clothes and stuff for Jade then come on back. Y’all can stay here until your apartment is ready, okay? You really don’t need no extra stress being preg . . .”

“Sh! Jade doesn’t know about the baby yet,” Willa whispered, not realizing her daughter and Katrina had been listening from the top of the stairs for quite a while.

The more Cicely spoke the more annoyed Willa became. It bothered her to hear people giving advice without considering all the facts. Cicely didn’t know Miles or what he was capable of doing and shouldn’t have been telling the person who knew him all too well how to handle him! From what she’d described earlier, it was obvious John and Cicely’s relationship was very different. Yes, he’d hit her, but it seemed more like he did it out of self defense. Cicely had been the aggressor so there was probably never any reason to fear John trying to kill her. Willa had every reason to believe Miles would follow through on his threat if she tried to sneak off with Jade. Her instincts were telling her to go home and that’s exactly what she planned to do. She’d had enough of letting other people’s opinion influence her decisions.

“You making a mistake,” Cicely protested.

“Yeah, well, I told you earlier what I think about unsolicited advice,” Willa said as she stood to grab her purse.

“Alright then,” Cicely hunched her shoulders. She leaned back on the couch with her arms folded across her chest. “Good luck,” she mumbled, sarcastically.

“Umm huh, thanks. Jade, let’s go,” Willa called.

After the little showdown they’d had earlier, Jade knew not to cause a fuss and she came right down when her mother called. Each of Cicely’s kids gave Willa a hug and a kiss as they thanked her again and said goodbye. Katrina promised to do better in school and bring her grades up. In her haste to get away from Cicely, Willa had forgotten all about the promise she’d made to the girl. Hopefully things would work out soon where she and Jade had their own place and Katrina could come over to visit. All of a sudden Willa felt as though she should smooth things over a bit with Cicely before leaving. She honestly didn’t want any hard feelings between them or for it to interfere with Jade and Katrina’s friendship.

“Listen, Cicely, thank you for all your help today. I really did enjoy meeting you and having the chance to get to know each other. Maybe we can get together for lunch one day soon.”

“I would love to,” she said, as her attitude instantly changed. “Just call me, okay?”

“Okay, I will,” Willa replied then she and Jade left.

They barely spoke during the ride home, both nervous about what would happen once they arrived. The fact that the police had to be called shortly after Willa and Jade got there proved they had good reason to be.

Miles watched from the dining room window as his wife and child walked through the backyard holding hands. “You a lucky woman Willa Caldwell,” he mumbled before placing his gun on top of the refrigerator. He opened the door for them and gave Jade a hug before she ran to her room. Miles reached out for Willa but she stepped away and let him know she wasn’t interested in talking. He began pleading with her not to leave him followed by the usual promises never hurt her again. Then he gave a speech about every marriage having problems and how they had to work hard to keep their family together. Miles reminded her of the promise they’d both made not to let Jade come from broken homes like they had.

“Well, I made that promise before I knew you were gonna be bashing my damn brains in!” Willa snapped, as she poured herself a glass of water.

“I’m so sorry, baby. Believe me, I truly am. But everybody got problems they gotta work through. And I know ours wouldn’t even be that bad if you would stop egging me on and . . .”

Willa was incensed! “Oh, so it’s my fault that you beat me because I say stuff you don’t like and . . .”

“No! No, baby, I shouldna said that. And I didn’t mean it like that,” Miles interjected. “I just meant that we both do things to hurt each other and we both need to stop.”

“Look, Miles, I think what we both need to do is be honest and face the fact that we just don’t belong together,” she said then took a seat at the kitchen table.

“How can you say that, Willa?” Miles asked, as he sat across from her. “How can you even think that after everything we been through? Look at the life we built together.”

“But it’s not the life I want, Miles. And it’s obviously not the one you want either otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to fight me or try to force me to be somebody I’m not. Why can’t you just admit we made a mistake and do what it takes to correct it? We’re no longer those teenagers trying to prove everybody wrong. We’re grownups who should be able to own up to the fact that we were the ones who were wrong. We don’t belong together.”

Miles felt anger pulsating through his body with each word Willa spoke. He wanted to lash out at her and make her see how stupid she was being. Nobody was going to provide for her or put up with all the things he had endured because of her. From the day he and Willa decided to have Jade and be a family, he’d worked any and every job he could get to make sure his wife and daughter didn’t want for anything. And although they’d never discussed it, Miles did so with the understanding that Willa would continue to stay home taking care of him and Jade

and the other kids they were supposed to have. He had tried to remain calm two years ago when she first brought up the idea of going to work. But the fact that she told him she was getting a job instead of asking how he felt about it turned their conversation into a screaming match. Miles ended the argument by forbidding her to work and thought that was the end of it. He was livid the next week when Willa announced she would be starting her new job the following day. Knowing she had been hired as a secretary, catering to the needs of some other man, sent Miles over the edge. And for the first time in their relationship, he hit her!

As a natural reflex Willa hit him back then prepared to leave. Miles pled with her to stay and vowed never to hit her again. Even though he hated the idea of his wife working, especially knowing she would be at the beck and call of some other man, Miles gave in as a sort of peace offering. He had hoped Willa would hate it and quit like she did with most things, but a few years had passed and she was still working as Leonard Wilson’s secretary.

Miles thought letting Willa have a job would make her more agreeable but she became even more defiant. He expected his wife to look and dress a certain way but, as usual, Willa ignored his wishes and did whatever she wanted to do. He bought her skirts and blouses to wear so she would look like a lady. Willa returned them for jeans and short dresses that he often said made her look like a whore! Miles wanted her naturally beautiful and simple like she used to be but she arched her eyebrows, wore false eyelashes, and put on makeup nearly everyday. She seemed more like a glamorous movie star than a wife and mother and drew the attention of a lot of men. Yet, Miles put up with it for the sake of their marriage. Most offensive, however, were the rumors about Willa having affairs right under his nose! Miles’s own family called him an idiot for letting his wife run all over him. His mother, who’d hated Willa from the first day they met, constantly scolded him to get rid of her and find a decent mother for Jade. He stood by Willa, though, and continued to love her despite the blatant disrespect she showed him. And then, after all of that, she had the nerve to sit in front of him demanding a divorce and calling the life they’d built together a mistake! It was almost too much for Miles to take, but he managed to keep his composure and tried to convince his wife to keep their family together.

“So you think divorcing me and breaking up our family is the grownup way to handle this?” he frowned. “Kids give up and quit, Willa. We need to do whatever it takes to make things work. For better or for worse, remember?”

“Well, it’s been more for worse than I can take. Besides, we’ve been together for all the wrong reasons since the very beginning and that’s just not good enough anymore. That’s not a life, Miles.”

“What you mean all the wrong reasons? I’ve always loved you, Willa—from the first moment I saw you.”

“And that’s my point, Miles. You love who I used to be. That broken child who needed someone to love her,” Willa admitted. “Except for Mae, you were the only person that really cared about me. And when she died you were all I had in the world. You were my superhero and I was more than grateful to be rescued by you. But that’s not me anymore, Miles. I’m not the helpless little girl who couldn’t survive without you. I’ve worked hard not to ever be her again and I can’t pretend to be just so you feel important in my life. I’m not happy and I don’t believe you are either. We wouldn’t keep hurting each other if we were. And we aren’t happy because we want very different things. We don’t belong together, Miles. Maybe we did at one point in our lives but that’s not the case now,” she said, wiping tears from her face. “Why can’t you just admit that?”

“I don’t want to give up on us, Willa.”

“It’s time, though, Miles. Even Jade knows that mommies and daddies who really love each other don’t act like we do. I just wanna be happy. And believe it or not, I want you to be happy too,” Willa said, as she grabbed his hand. “We just can’t be that together, Miles. We can’t. And if you would be honest with yourself you’ll have to admit that I’m right. Just because we have a past together doesn’t mean we have a future.”

Miles stood up to pull Willa into his arms and cried harder than he ever had before. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

“Don’t be sad, Daddy,” Jade said, startling them both. “I’ll visit you so you won’t be lonely, okay? Maybe I can come when the man that really loves Mommy shows up on his horse!”

Willa wanted to strangle Jade! Ugh, you stupid little girl, she thought, staring hatefully at her daughter. Why can’t you ever just shut up?

“Go to your room,” Miles demanded. “So that’s what all this has been about? You want me to just roll over while you go riding off in the sunset with some other man?”

“No, Miles, it’s not like that. She overheard me talking to . . .”

“Yeah, I see what’s going on! I knew you was out there screwing around and now you trying to play with my head! ‘And believe it or not, I want you to be happy too’,” he mimicked her. “You oughtta get some kind of award for that performance.”

“Miles, please just listen to me. I’m not . . .”

“Shut up, liar! You almost fooled me with that little speech but I get it now. Just don’t think you gone take my daughter and shack up with some chump! That ain’t never gonna happen!”

“You know what, Miles? Believe what you want! I’m tired of trying to talk to you because it doesn’t matter. I’m not spending another day of my life being with somebody I hate!”

“Oh, so you hate me, huh? After all the years I took care of you even when your own mama didn’t want nothing to do with you,” he screamed, moving towards Willa. “But I guess that’s my fault for not listening. She told me I could do better than you but somewhere in my stupid mind I thought I could change you into something respectable. But you ain’t never gonna be nothing more than the useless tramp you are right now!”

Willa spat in his face! “You son of a . . .”

Miles snatched her by the neck and rammed her into the refrigerator. Willa kicked and scratched at him but he was too strong and he continued to slam and choke her.

“Daddy, stop it!” Jade screamed, as she tried to push Miles away from her mother. “You’re gonna hurt the baby!”

“Get outta here, Jade! This is . . . wait, what you say?”

“Baby girl, just go to your room, okay? Please,” Willa cried.

Jade ran into her parents’ bedroom and dialed 9-1-1 the way “Officer Friendly” had told the students at her school to do in case of an emergency. She probably saved her mother’s life by doing so!

Cicely was shocked to see Willa and Jade standing at her front door holding their bags.

“I’m sorry to just drop in unannounced like this but I couldn’t find your number and . . .”

“Girl, please, I told you y’all welcome here anytime,” she said, holding the screen door open for them. “And I know three little girls that can’t wait to see you again, little lady. So gone upstairs and say hi ‘cause I know they ain’t sleep,” Cicely laughed then planted a kiss on Jade’s forehead.

“Sorry,” Willa said sheepishly, as a barrage of high pitched squeals came from the girls’ bedroom. “They’ll never go to sleep now. I’m so sorry.”

“Uh, uh, don’t even worry about that. I have to threaten them kids with bodily harm every night to make they butts go to sleep. Jade being here ain’t causing no problem so don’t give it another thought. I’m just happy you came here. From the look of your neck I’m guessing that fool lost his mind again,” Cicely said, as she went to the kitchen to make two cups of Folgers.

The two of them sat in the living room sipping coffee and talking late into the night. From the moment Cicely handed her those wet paper towels in the office, Willa sensed they would become friends. And it seemed as if they were on their way to doing just that . . . or so she thought.