Illicit Canvas: political romance and stand alone romance (14 page)

I’m tipsy and this is not good, not good at all, because I wanted to make a good first impression. After I read Sylvie’s message, I didn’t need to wait long and replied back straight away suggesting a date in this quiet restaurant.

Then I spent the next day wondering if I was ready. She did say that it’s just a friendly chat without expectation. That was then, several hours ago when I was in front of my own computer in the comfort of my own home.

Right now I’m halfway through a date and I’m having a great time. Sylvie wasn’t too keen on the restaurant. We promised that if either of us thought that we weren’t suited for each other, then within the first ten minutes, the date would be over.

Fortunately, it didn’t come to that. There wasn’t any spectacular spark between us, but she made me laugh almost straight away. Neither of us had any excuse to leave.
  

I can’t drive, since I had a few more glasses of wine, but I’m relaxed, not tense anymore.

“Art ... well, that’s fascinating. I would never have the courage to put all my savings into a project like that,” Sylvie states, looking impressed. She has a pretty face, nice smooth lines, and she doesn’t use that much makeup. We both agree to have fun, that we won’t have any expectations and will just go with the flow, which is what I’m doing.

The alcohol helps, because this evening I allow myself not to feel guilty about Arwen.

“I still have a lot of work to do, mainly on marketing. I have no reputation and so far one of my friends promised to donate some of her paintings. She is incredibly talented and I’m lucky,” I explain.
 

“It’s great really, but it must be scary. Working for yourself can put a lot of pressure on you. What do you do to relax?”

I laugh and drink more wine. Sylvie has similar emotional baggage to me. We are both divorced and neither of us know if we can fit into a new relationship. I get the impression that her ex-husband hurt her. She hasn’t gone into too much detail and I don’t like asking intrusive questions on the first date.
 

“I go to galleries and museums. I have to be honest, in the past five years I haven’t had much of a life. My work took most of my time, but art kept me going,”

“No dates, no wild nights out with your mates?” she asks with a wink.

“I don’t remember the last time I had a night out. That’s how boring I became.”

Then she admits that she hates being set up by her friends. She is definitely more social than me.

“Every time I arrange something with someone, I end up agreeing to another blind date. And I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with the guys that I’m seeing. It’s just that they aren’t for me.”

“No spark or they are not your type?” I ask.

“I don’t know. I just don’t find them that interesting.”
 

Sylvie is very relaxed and I’m starting to wonder if I could have another date with her. She is a good laugh.

Before we know it, we finish another bottle and end up sharing a dessert. We laugh, talk about our fears, dreams and the perfect partners. During this entire evening I try not to think about Arwen, but she keeps popping into the conversation. She is my angel and demon. Despite having the best company, I still crave only her, knowing that she is completely and utterly unattainable.

Chapter Eighteen

It’s Saturday morning and I’m lying in bed thinking about Ethan yet again. Maja tried to cheer me up on the way home, but I was already spiralling into despair, thinking that my romance has crashed, that I was only imagining that there was any connection between me and Ethan. As soon as we got back I locked myself in my room and tried to get busy with painting again.

Now, in these early hours, I don’t know what to do with myself. Maybe I should have listened to Ethan and started dating someone my age. One kiss doesn’t give me the right to think that it was love.
 
I have to accept that he is moving on, but I don’t know how I’m going to bear it.

I promised Colin that I’d go out with him to a party tonight. I can’t change my mind. I already stood him up once. Maybe I’ll meet someone else there, someone that makes me feel all these things that Ethan does.

I scroll through my phone, the temptation to call him burning through me. I want to hear his voice, to know if he has her in his apartment. In the end I decide not to. I’m not a masochist. A human being can only take so much pain. I broke our agreement when I went to see Jules with Maja yesterday. He won’t care. He didn’t stick to our deal anyway.

Ethan went out for a date and I guess for him it’s progress. We are better off being just friends, that way we don’t have to hurt each other.

When I walk to the kitchen I get a text message from Colin. He tells me to check out the club that we are going to, and he reminds me about Maja. She doesn’t have any excuse not to go out.

“How are we feeling on this rainy Saturday morning?” she asks, placing a mug of coffee in front of me when I finally emerge from my bedroom.

“All right.”

“Seriously, Arwen. I’m worried about you. Tell me what you’re thinking. I don’t like seeing you suppressing all these feelings inside.”

 
I hide my head in my hands, breathing loudly. “It hurts, but I’ll be all right. A few days ago, after we made out, Ethan told me to start dating someone my age and I think I’m going to take his advice.”

Maja doesn’t say anything, just makes her usual confused face. “As long as you’re happy, baby, but now that I’ve seen him, I get why you’re crazy about him. Ethan is gorgeous.”

My stomach makes a funny churn and I try to think about something other than Ethan, so I change the subject. “I just got a text from Colin reminding us both about today’s party.”

“I think you should go without me.”

“No, I’m the one that’s depressed. My perfect man is seeing someone else and you want to leave me alone?”

“Don’t pull this one on me. You know that I’m useless with men. I don’t like the way alcohol

affects me. I don’t want to kiss random strangers. It’s not me.”

“You don’t have to drink. Just be yourself and see if anything happens.”

 
“It’s a party. I’ll look like an idiot if I don’t drink.”

“What about the Norwegian guy, Christian?”

Maja goes red and starts wringing her hands against each other like she doesn’t want to admit that she does like him. “I don’t think he will even remember me.”

“That’s why you’re coming, so you can remind him that you exist. It’s been decided; you can’t get out of it now. Colin will pick us up at eight.”

 
Back home in Sweden, Maja has never had a real boyfriend as far as I can tell. It’s all been daunting for her, but I want to help her to break out of her shell. She just needs to have some fun, no expectations.

Maja cooks breakfast and we eat, talking about last night. Jules was polite and not over the top like most of the dealers are. It’s a shame that he never met my father. I would have liked to ask him
 
some questions about his business.

It’s the weekend, so I do laundry and later I call my mother to see how she is doing. Most of the time my mother keeps asking about me, making sure that I’m sticking to my meds. She has been a good mother, a bit distracted, but loving and caring. Mum didn’t know what was going on inside my head. She couldn’t anticipate what I was planning.

After Maja and I clean the flat, I lie on the sofa, convinced that on Monday morning I’ll resume the search on my own if necessary. There are four names left on the list. Ethan can’t be excluded, even after I saw him with the woman, but I can’t look him in the eye and pretend that I’m all right. He can do whatever he wants. We’re just friends.

 
Later in the afternoon I start creating another painting, knowing that Ethan needs this more than me. It’s so important to set the standard with the first exhibition. When he is around I believe in myself more, thinking that maybe there are people out there that will buy my art. Surprisingly, my mobile remains silent for most of the day and I’m itching to call Ethan. I don’t want to think about what he did after his date, if he invited that woman over to his house.

Maja disappears to meet up with some friends and I waste the rest of the afternoon in front of the TV.
 
Later on when she arrives, we both get ready, trying to look as glamorous as we can.

“Wow, you look hot,” I say to Maja when she emerges from her room. She is very pretty, but most days she doesn’t pay much attention to how she looks. Now she has makeup on and a short red dress that she borrowed from me.

“I feel underdressed.”

“You have great legs; you should be showing them more,” I add, knowing that I’m planning to have a good time tonight. Get drunk and forget about Ethan, or at least try to. My phone buzzes and I tell Maja to hurry up. “Colin is downstairs.”

It’s dark when we meet him outside. It seems like he’s making an effort, kissing me and Maja on the cheek, then complementing us on how hot we both look.

“There will be a lot of my mates out there, but you’re my priorities, ladies. We are going to have fun tonight.”

Maja doesn’t seem too convinced, but I’m excited. The taxi takes us to the club in one of the most popular student areas of Brussels. There is a long queue wrapped around the outside of the building. We join people in the middle and Colin introduces us to a few of his football mates. Christian is amongst them and he automatically starts talking to her. I’m stunned. Maybe he remembers their special kiss that happened a couple of weeks back.

Fifteen minutes later we get inside. It looks like Colin pulled some strings because we get admittance to the VIP lounge on the first floor with a complementary drink. I have never been a fan of clubbing, but I like the loud dance music and setup. There are a few girls that I don’t know that join us.

“This is Jessica, Valerie and Kim. They’re part of the cheerleading squad,” says Colin. “I’ll be back with drinks shortly.”

“He’s so charming,” sighs Valerie as her eyes follow Colin, who heads towards the bar.

“Yeah, Colin is amazing. He’s a total flirt,” I admit, remembering how sweet he was when we were going out.

Jessica, who is a tall dark-haired Asian girl, giggles and adds, “Valerie has a crush on him.”

“Shut up, Jess. He’s not interested. I have tried on many occasions.”
  

“Didn’t you used to go out with him, Arwen?” asks the other blond-haired girl, Kim.

I force out a smile, wondering where the hell Colin is. I don’t want to talk about our failed relationship with these girls, but I’m here to socialise. “Yeah, we went out in the beginning, but I ended it. It wasn’t working out.”

Three of the cheerleaders are staring at me in disbelief and I’m aware what they’re all thinking.
 

“He talks about you a lot, you know,” adds Valerie, pulling a face.

“Well, we are friends, good friends, but you shouldn’t give up if you like him. He’s a great guy,” I tell her, not even knowing why. I can’t be with Colin and I can’t be with Ethan.

“See, Valerie? Arwen will be all right with it. Just get him drunk, and he’ll be yours before you know it,” laughs Jessica. I join in because I don’t know what to say. Colin arrives back shortly with cocktails for all of us.

“Are you all right, sugar?” he asks me.

“Great.”

Some of the girls are going out with other guys on the team. When I glance at Maja, she looks comfortable talking and sipping her own cocktail with Christian.

The next few hours pass and I try to have fun, drinking more than I should and dancing like crazy. Colin talks to me in the beginning, bringing new cocktails once in a while. I don’t want to look lame, drinking wine all night, so I accept, thanking him for looking after me so well.

For a while I lose myself dancing, laughing and moving away from reality. The girls are fun. They do bitch a bit about others and their boyfriends, but they make me feel like I’m part of their little group. Around half past ten, I drag Maja back on the dance floor. At that point I’m tipsy and more relaxed than ever.

“Christian asked me out. He’s taking me for dinner on Wednesday,” my friend shouts, looking excited.

“See, not all the guys are evil.” I chuckle.

Twenty minutes later, all drenched with sweat and tired, we get back to our table. Jessica and Kim have vanished. Christian offers Maja water, dragging her away from me yet again. When I glance around searching for Colin, I spot him by the bar with Valerie. They’re looking pretty cosy, standing close, gazing in each other’s eyes.

 
I look at them and wonder if I made the right call earlier on. I have no right to lead him on any longer. He doesn’t really love me, he is confused, but if that girl Valerie likes him, then I should let them have fun.

I toss my long black hair behind me and head downstairs to the loo. There I re-apply some makeup. The downstairs bar is crowded and I spot a few girls from my course. I squeeze through the crowd, trying to get to the bar as the loud music thumps in my head. In the end I'm nearly falling down when a steady arm helps me up.

When I look up I see a guy smiling at me.

“Are you all right?” he asks. I have goggle eyes right now and my brain seems fuzzy with the amount of alcohol that I consumed.

“Yes, I’m good. How are you?”

He is handsome and he could be a good substitute for Ethan. Dark brown hair, hazel eyes and strong hands.

“I’m pretty good, but I don’t mind rescuing a pretty girl like you.”

“That pretty girl wants you to buy her a drink.”

He laughs again, shaking his head, and then leans over to me.

“What would you like?”

“A cocktail with lots of rum.”

Several cocktails later I find out that Gilbert is a business analyst from Marseille. He just graduated and moved to Brussels for work. He keeps buying me drinks and I flirt with him because I can.

We talk and then he invites me to dance. I lose track of the time, being completely wasted. When I get back to the lounge to tell Maja that I met someone, she is nowhere to be seen. Colin is on the table, sucking Valerie’s face off. I wouldn't be surprised if they have sex up there.

I wave my hand away, kind of giving them my blessing. At that point my head is completely messed up and I don’t know what am I doing. For some reason Colin chose her, after telling me that he was in love with me.
 

“I got you,” whispers the familiar voice when I nearly lose my balance on the stairs. It’s Gilbert again.

“You’re like Prince Charming.” I laugh.

“How are you feeling? I think you had a bit too much to drink,” he says. His arm is around my waist and I like it.

“I’m good; I've not had nearly enough to drink.”

“Maybe you should get some fresh air, and then we can go back inside and dance.”

“God, I love dancing,” I sing.

I can’t believe how lucky I am—first night out and I have already met a nice guy. This is great. How easy it is for me to forget about Ethan.

Gilbert helps me out, squeezing us through the thick crowd of people. My head is spinning and I don’t like how my body rubs against other people. Everyone is sweaty, so when I get outside and inhale the fresh air, I feel better instantly. Gilbert keeps talking to me in French. He is saying nice words, telling me that I have beautiful eyes and he would like to kiss me.

“Hey, buddy, leave her the fuck alone.”

I know this voice and when I turn I see Colin standing right in front of us. Valerie is smoking a few meters away from us. She stares but doesn’t seem to care that her new boyfriend is suddenly interested in me. I hate confrontations like this, especially when Colin can’t even stand straight. Gilbert stares at Colin, confused. It’s funny how Colin is trying to look out for me after all this time.

“You’re drunk, mate. I think you should step away,” Gilbert responds calmly, still holding me. Colin's eyes are bloodshot. His body is swaying side to side. He is way too drunk, like during that evening in my apartment.

“It’s okay, Colin. This is Gilbert. I’m good,” I say, hoping he will go away.

“Shut up, Arwen! Get your hands off her or I’ll smash your face into the pavement.” Colin moves closer to Gilbert.

My pulse speeds up and I try to get in front of Colin, but Gilbert is holding me tightly, like he is ready to deal with him.