Ignite Me (A Burning Desire Novel) (20 page)

“Not Jude.” She clarified.

“No not Jude.”

“Did you break up?”

I nodded.

“You or him?” She queried.

“Me.”

“Do you regret it?”

I shrugged, the words echoed in my head. I was hurt and
cruel. I couldn’t believe all those things I said to him, and the saddest thing
about it was that I said them out of jealousy. I knew there was a dark side to
Landon and I was waiting patiently for him to tell me everything. I wanted him
to do so when he felt comfortable enough to do it.

All those words, all those images, I was repulsed by
myself. I hurt the man I loved.

The sound of a frantic doorbell pulled me out of my trance
and Bonnie left me to go open the door. I shoved to my feet to get dressed.

“What the fuck is wrong with you Clea?” Jude paced to me
and took me in his arms.

“You had me worried, you had all of us worried.”

I pressed myself against him and exploded in tears, “Oh my
god Jude, I made a terrible mistake.”

“Shh, boo. We’ll figure it out.” He stroked my back
gently.

“No, we need to go; I need to see him now.”

“See who now?”

I turned to Bonnie, “I’m sorry, can I borrow something to
wear?”

She nodded with a warm smile, “Of course, my closet is
yours.”

Pulling away from Jude, I asked him, “Call us a cab?”

He nodded, clearly frustrated, “Okay.”

“Thank you baby-boy.”

After a long call with Calvin, he told me that Landon was
in his office and insisted that I shouldn’t go. I was riding up in the elevator
of Davis & Crawley with Jude. He refused to let me out of his sight,
especially since I didn’t have a phone.

Juliet insisted on announcing me before she let me in.

Five minutes later, Landon opened the door and I walked
inside.

We sat in an excruciating silence; his brooding gaze never
left me. He was cold, and clearly sleep-deprived.

“What can I do for you Miss Dane?” His tone was empty and
calm.

I kept silent, unable to speak, and intimidated by his
indifference.

He snapped and pushed to his feet, making me jump, “I
said, what can I do for you Miss Dane?”

He narrowed his eyes and howled, “Or rather, let’s put it
in your words, what was it again?” He inhaled, “What can this psychopath do for
you?”

My eyes grew wide in complete stupefaction, “I never said
that.” I whispered.

“Oh, trust me Miss Dane, you did. But you’re unable to
remember it because you were too drunk.”

Without giving me the chance to respond, he yelled, “Get
out.”

I arched my neck to watch him. He was bitter and angry;
I’d never seen him that way.

“I can’t stand looking at you.” He shrieked.

“I’m sorry.” I said standing up and reaching for him.

He pulled out, “Don’t.”

“I heard you Miss Dane. We’re over.”

“Mr. Davis, Miss McCoy to see you.”

He walked to the desk, “Let her in.” He said.

When the door opened, Audrey appeared inside with a
victorious smile. I felt my world crumble and crash under my feet.

She stood inches from my face, “You thought your little
rich girl routine would overpower me?” She said briskly.

“He’s
mine
, he
always
was
, and he
always will be
.” She hissed and cleared
the way for me to walk out.

I didn’t even turn to look back at him; the image was
nauseating enough in my head.

I found Jude waiting for me with a worried expression and
ready to explode. When he saw my tears, he ran passed me and shoved his feet
through the door. I didn’t have the force to stop him.

All I heard was someone hitting the floor, and Audrey’
yell, “Landon.”

When I rounded back, Jude was over Landon and punching him
frantically, “You’re one sick bastard, don’t you ever get near us again. I
warned you about hurting her.” He pulled him from his shirt collar and pushed
him again.

“Juliet, call security.” Audrey ordered.

Jude stood on his feet, and turned his wrath on her, “You
two deserve each other, void, bitter, and scornful.”

He turned around, straightened his vest, and pulled me to
walk with him. I turned one last time to look at him. My chest tightened at the
image of blood as he stared back at me, hurt and completely lost.

Audrey shut the door as Jude pressed me towards the
elevator.

One week later.

“Good morning sweetie.” Jude crawled up the bed beside
mine and offered me a bright smile.

I wished I could return it. I had a feeling it was going
to be one of the bad days. It’s been a week. I’d managed to distract myself
with work and helping my mom plan the rest of her upcoming nuptials virtually.

It’s a Saturday. Eight days without Landon. Without his
eyes gazing down at me, reflecting love or desire, anger or possessiveness,
challenge or just that million dollar smile that made my heart expand on a long
breath. I have no distraction whatsoever.

“So what’s the plan today?” I had the strong feeling that
Jude wasn’t really asking, but I answered him anyway.

“I think I want to stay in bed, maybe catch up on school
work, and watch a movie.”

His smile broadened. He couldn’t hide his understanding
though.

“Or…” He chanted, “We can go for a run and see where the
day takes us.”

I studied him. It wasn’t like him to be so ‘Carpe Diem’.
He was up to something, “Spill the beans. What do you have in mind?”

He feigned offense, “
Clea
Iris
Dane, are you accusing me of conspiring behind your back?”

I didn’t get the chance to answer him, “Because I totally
did. We’re going to Atlantic City.” He announced playfully.

Abhorrence didn’t become to describe my feelings towards
the news. He knew better than to plan something as crazy as this.

I shuffled out of my bed and walked to pull the blinds
again, “Not happening.” I said sternly.

His pout wasn’t going to work, “I beg to differ.”

“I bet you do.”

I tried to tidy up around the room but I didn’t have the
energy for it. Instead, I went out to the kitchen to get my fix of coffee. He
was walking behind me silently, his pout palpable without me needing to turn
around and look at him.

I pressed the coffee machine and set about to clean the
kitchen. He removed the plate from my hand and took me in his arms. I couldn’t
even imagine going through this without having Jude. His love and support is
what I value the most in my life.

I breathe him in and tighten his hold on me.

I hated being in such a state and needing him so much. It
has been the same for the longest time. Ever since my sixteenth birthday, he’s
been carrying all my pain and sorrow with me. He knew all my secrets, the
darkest ones.

My fingers brushed over the scar on my wrist. It barely
showed anymore.

His kiss is as soft as it’s comforting, “Don’t go there
boo. I’m right here, so be with me.”

I nodded quietly.

“Okay. I’ll clean and you’ll listen to me while I make my
case.” He suggested sheepishly.

I poured some coffee and mixed it with some liquor then
walked to sit on the stool to face him.

“I like you domesticated.” I smiled at him.

“Don’t say that in front of Ryan.”

I laughed, “Your secret is safe with me.”

“Always and forever.” He murmured.

I heard a buzzing coming from the living room. I ran to
bring Jude’s phone and pick up when I see Ryan was calling.

He spoke before me, “Is she in?” He sounded excited.

“No. She isn’t.” I answered with a small smile.

“Oh cheer up buttercup. You need this, and frankly, so do
I; a bitchy fashion blogger just massacred me on live radio. I need
youuuuu
.”

His pleading is making it hard for me to retaliate, “Whose
the blogger? What did she say?”

“
Annetta
something. She
basically told me to get over my Peter Pan syndrome and start creating real
fashion for real women.”

He sounded hurt, which made me instantly rethink my
decision, “Say no more. I’m in.”

Ryan was always there for me. Since day one, he was yet
another love at first sight kind of story. It only happened once before, and I
cherished his friendship more than anything. I felt lucky to have him. He was
unselfish and kind to a fault.
Always joyful, even at his
worst.
And most importantly, he tolerates my needy phases with Jude,
understands our bond, and never tried to create a distance between us, but
chose to be part of it.

His squeak rang in my ear, and I managed a genuine broad
smile as I watched Jude making a happy dance behind the kitchen counter.

I asked him about the blogger and his day before I hit end
on Jude’s phone.

Jude came up to me and held me, “Mario is picking us up in
two hours. Are you up for that run?”

I smiled tenderly. Running has always been Jude’s response
to everything. It never failed to help him with his issues. For him, the answer
lies somewhere in our subconscious and a shot of endorphins would somehow push
it up to the surface.

“Let me get dressed.” I said coolly.

It didn’t take long for me to realize how much I needed
the run. New York’s winter had showed its teeth with a snowstorm that covered
the streets of Manhattan. It was magnetic and a little dangerous. We took the
subway to the park and started running.

Christmas was around the corner, and the city is as
magical as ever. However, the holiday spirit hasn’t taken me yet. Landon
haunted my every thought. I missed him. But he lied to me. He hid things for
me. Important things. I shook my head to erase the images from my mind. I hated
her. I hated the way she looked at him, the way he teased her. It ignited an unprecedented
fury inside my being.

I was jealous.

I couldn’t confess to that, but the more I thought about
it, the clearer it was for me. It wasn’t the lie that hurt me most; it was
seeing them like that.

It explained so much about his preferences, about the
spanking back when we were first together, the need for control. He loved it.

I wished he’d told me, explain to me why he did it and
what he got from it. I never wanted to admit to it, but that night… the night
he exerted an uncommon amount of dominance on me, I felt special, and aroused. But
when I woke up, I thought it made me worthless, like some kind of a slave or a
pet. Therefore, I chose to ignore whatever Landon had ignited in me and had a
discussion about it. I had to lie to him about what I really felt. I thought it
might change our relationship and make it some kind of arrangement like the
ones he used to have with other women.

But I wanted it.

I love him domineering and seeking to control my pleasure.
He was always like that. But that was different, and Audrey got to experience
it.

She was special. He didn’t feel the need to hide from her
as opposed to with me.

The realization saddened me.

I had to move on. If Landon couldn’t be himself with me,
then he shouldn’t force himself. He was back with her now. The last time I saw
him, she was kneeling in front of him, touching his bruised face after Jude had
hit him. I wanted to run to him and slap her hand away. He is mine.

He
was
mine.

“Slow down
Clea
.” Jude’s hand
reached for my plugs and snapped ‘
Tom
Odell’s
Another
Love’ from my ears.

I turned to him apologetically, “I’m sorry Juju.”

“I cannot believe I had to drag you here, and now you’re
unstoppable.” He laughed.

“I feel better.” I announced.

A frown drew on his forehead, “You do?”

I nodded, “I’m moving on. He’s with her. He couldn’t be
himself with me, so I guess he didn’t really love me. It’s better this way.”

I sounded too convinced even for myself.

Jude was silent for a long moment. Studying me intently,
then a smile lit up his beautiful face, “You don’t really think that.” He said
simply.

It as my turn to frown, “What do you mean?”

He straightened his back and beamed again, “Never mind.
You’re moving on.”

“No tell me.” I insisted.

He just grinned at me with a wink and started running
backwards in front of me.

“Oh Jude Sylvain
Cervi
,
espèce
de
salaud
.
Dis
moi
.” I ran to him.

He giggled and continued to run, “You don’t want to know.
You’re moving on. You’re going to Atlantic City.”

I puffed at him, “You know what?” I said decisively,
annoyed by his know-it-all attitude, “I am moving on. I’m going to meet
someone, tonight, at Atlantic City.”

He laughed again, “Whatever makes you sleep at night.” He
finished before turning his back on me, without missing on displaying his
annoyingly gorgeous smile.

Pulling back, I gazed at Mario from in the rearview
mirror. He was concentrated on the road ahead. The view of Atlantic City was
getting closer, and I was giddy with anticipation. I had to prove to Jude that
I was willing to move on, and decided to lock Landon in a box in the back of my
head.

He did sneak up from time to time.

Bastard.

Magic radio was a bust, every song reminded me of him. So
instead of playing the stupid game, I just played my own music and chose the
titles carefully.

‘
Beyonce’s
Sweet Dreams
’ was booming inside the town car. Jenna was taking care of
some of her work next to me. When I browsed quickly, I saw Landon’s name. I was
curious, but she changed the page on her laptop and smiled at me. I chose not
to ask her about what she was doing and avoided any discussion involving him.