If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (171 page)

I foolishly tested this theory with Brett. It was one of the dumbest decisions I’ve ever made. I drove to his dorm the night after I was with Will, and when he opened the door, I threw myself at him, clumsily, frantically. I wanted to feel something, anything like I had with Will. I went further than I ever had. I handed over my virginity while searching for the same feeling. Needless to say, it was nothing like that, not even close. Brett couldn’t make me feel anywhere near the way I did with Mr. Scott, and we’d had our clothes on.

It could have been worse, I guess. Brett tried to be tender and slow and considerate when I told him I was a virgin. He kissed me with passion. I know because I saw the passion coming from him, but I just didn’t feel it. It hurt like hell, even with him going slow, and all those books I’d read where the virgin has seven thousand orgasms her first time turned out to be a crock of shit. It was nice though, and it wasn’t in the back of some car with a dude who wouldn’t call me again. In fact, Brett assumed that our consummation made us official. I’m now his girlfriend, and what would have made any other girl giddy threw me into a sea of depression.

“Hey, what the hell is wrong with you?” Aidan asks, sounding completely annoyed.

We’re in physics with a sub, so we can pretty much do what we want. I only sigh at Aidan’s puzzled expression.

“I used to joke about you being a buzzkill, but you really are now, and I’m sick of it,” he says sharply, coming off as oddly charming in a way only Aidan can.

“Nothing is wrong with me,” I say dryly.

He throws up his hands. “That’s the best you can come up with? You’re the comeback queen—this is what we do, our funny banter. I call you something insulting, then you do it back.”

I do let out a little chuckle, and he grins.

“Is this about Chris and Amanda? They’re annoying the hell out of me too,” he says, drumming his fingers on my desk to some solo in his head. “He hardly gets to hang out with us anymore.”

I can see that his feelings are really hurt. Between Chris’s new girlfriend and being in the band and homework, he doesn’t have much time for his besties. Which sucks for Aidan but is great for me since whenever I see Chris, I get overwhelmed with guilt and I can’t avoid being questioned about why I won’t even walk near his house.

“You know what? Screw Chris. You should get one of your minions, and we can do a double date with Brett,” I say, trying to make him feel better.

Aidan is one of the most popular guys in school with no shortage of date possibilities, but Aidan is an asshole. He doesn’t like most people, and even though we fight, I think we’ve grown to genuinely like each other in our own twisted way.

“I’ll let you know,” he says with a shrug and a smile as the bell rings.

The coffee house has gotten busier since the temperature is starting to drop. I like it since the busier I am, the less I think about Mr. Scott and how I may have made a mistake. What did I expect really—for him to tell me he wanted to run away with me and leave his family, which happens to include my best friend?

I’m surprised when I see Amanda walk in. She sees she’s caught my eye, and I conjure up a weak smile. I know it’s not her fault I followed her advice, but I do blame her at least a little. I think it’s human nature to not want to blame myself. I let my manager know I’m going on break, and I grab her favorite drink—a caramel latte with nonfat milk and extra caramel, which totally negates the non-fat milk. I sit down, and she greets me with a wide “I’m in love” smile. She’s had it since she started dating Chris.

“What’s up, hon?” she says, taking the latte.

I sigh, and she pouts, obviously as sick of my moping as Aidan is.

“I’m sorry.” I flash her a wide fake grin.

“That’s better,” she sings. “Student council got canceled, and Chris is in writing mode,” she says, explaining her presence. “I don’t see how you’re so unhappy. You’re officially in a relationship with one of the most wanted guys at his college. I repeat college again, and you look like you’re the girl who hasn’t gotten asked to any dances.”

“I slept with Brett, and I didn’t feel anything.”

Her eyes widen. “You what? How could you lose your V-card and not tell me? When did this happen? How was it? Lisa, I can’t believe you didn’t spill the second you finished!”

I give her the details she wants and tell her it would have been kind of awkward to call her the
second
after.

“Leese, the first time isn’t going to be fireworks and rainbows or whatever you read about in those books you carry around. It will get better, trust me. One time is just like breaking the seal. The rest can feel pretty good with the right person.”

I can’t help letting my curiosity get the best of me. “Did you… have you and Chris?”

She shakes her head with a small grin. “Not yet. We’ve come close but haven’t actually done the deed, if you know what I mean.”

I realize I definitely didn’t want to know that.

“So I know what you’re thinking,” she says, and I look a little suspiciously at her. She can’t know what I’m thinking. “I bet you’re thinking that if you did it with Mr. Mystery Man, it would have been better.”

I frown. That’s actually the thought I’ve been trying to block out of my mind, seeing as Mr. Mystery Man basically told me to get out of his house. I plan on avoiding him at all costs. I’m only some months away from summer break, then I’m off to Michigan State. Well, if I can figure out how to pay for it, I will.

“It wouldn’t have been. I can tell you it would have sucked regardless. Usually the first time with any boy is going to suck. You get better with practice,” she says.

I sort of roll my eyes. Amanda acts as if she’s a sex guru, and as far as I know, she’s only done it with three boys at the most. I fight the urge to tell her that my mystery boy isn’t a boy but a very experienced man who made my body feel things without even taking off my clothes that her boys couldn’t even dream about doing.

“Give Brett another shot. It’ll get better,” she says.

I change the subject, and we talk until the end of my break. Afterward, she swishes out, carrying her cute little Kate Spade bag, and heads back into her happy bubble.

It’s almost closing time, and I’m the only one working. I’m studying for my AP history class when the bell above the door rings, then I see him walk in. What are the chances? Does he know I work here? Was this an accident or coincidence? I want to slink behind the counter and hide, but since it’s just me, I can’t do that.

“Hi,” he says, his voice still warming my chest even after he was so cold.

“Hey.” My voice is tremulous but light.

He looks around the shop. The store is empty except for one stoner kid with his headphones on, and he’s fallen asleep at the front of the shop. As Will approaches me, my heart speeds up. Thoughts of how horrible I felt that night make my chest tighten, colliding with the sensation between my thighs as I recall the memory.

“Can we talk?” he asks hesitantly.

I want to tell him no and ask him to leave, just how he did me that night, but I don’t. Instead I nod. “Give me a minute.”

I walk over to the stoner kid and nudge him. “Hey, we’re about to close, okay?”

He checks the time on his laptop with an irritated glare. “I have fifteen minutes.” He puts his head back down.

I sigh. “I’ll give you a bag of cookies and a free coffee if you head out now.”

He gathers his things as I fix his bag of cookies, and he asks for a hot chocolate instead of a coffee. Then he’s gone, leaving me alone with Will and the butterflies in my stomach. I let down the curtains in the front of the shop and flip the open sign to closed. He’s sitting at one of the coffee tables, and I sit in the chair across from him.

“I wanted to apologize to you,” he says, his blue eyes on mine. They look sad and apologetic.

I forgive him just from that look, but I let him finish.

“I-I—you have to understand that what happened was wrong.” His voice sounds stern but compassionate.

I fold my arms and feel myself frown.

“It was, Lisa,” he says again.

“It didn’t feel wrong until you left me alone and told me to get out,” I spit at him.

He looks surprised, and I’m surprised when I see the hint of a grin.

“It’s not funny,” I say angrily.

“I’m not laughing at the situation obviously. I-it’s just—you’re sort of a firecracker,” he says, looking a bit stunned but amused at the same time.

I roll my eyes. “Did you come here to tell me how sorry you are and how it can never ever happen again?”

He looks down guiltily, and I let out a frustrated sigh. Because of course I could have guessed he would say that. Just being near him makes me think of that night and makes me a different kind of frustrated.

“It can’t. We—you know why,” he says as if it’s obvious.

My head shoots up, and I glare at him. “Just tell me, how did you feel? Setting aside everything your mind is telling you, how did you feel?” I don’t want to mention his family.

He lets out a frustrated groan and shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter! We can’t do what you’re asking me to.”

I’m quiet and feel tears welling in my eyes. His expression softens, and when it does, I clear my throat. “What do you think I’m asking?”

He runs his hands across his face.

“It’s not illegal. I’m eighteen. I’ll be nineteen in six months,” I say desperately.

“Lisa, I’m married. It doesn’t matter if you’re legal. If anyone found out, my family would be destroyed. Your reputation would be shredded. This wouldn’t be good for either of us,” he says frantically.

I know he’s right. I’m not stupid or that immature, but I am selfish. That’s why I say, “What if no one found out?”

I beg his eyes to meet mine. When they do, I see they’re conflicted but not dead, not stubborn, and I know there’s a chance.

“Someone always finds out when things like this happen,” he says quietly.

“I would never say anything. I don’t want to break up your family.” I start to add that Chris is my best friend and I’d never want to hurt him, but I think that’d only hurt my case. “No one has ever made me feel the way you did, Will. The way I feel now just sitting across from you.” I soften my expression. “Please just tell me. How do you feel being here with me?”

He closes his eyes and sighs. He gets up from the chair and walks toward the door. Each step feels like a stomp on my heart. I feel tears streaming from my eyes, and I whimper.

Then he stops. “Alive.”

Even though he’s not facing me, my heart starts again.