If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (126 page)

“I didn’t come here for you guys to convince me not to do this. If you don’t have the medicine to fix me, if you don’t have a solution to this problem, I don’t want to hear any alternatives or suggestions!” I tell them.

“Okay,” Dexter says simply, Helen nods. Dexter slides over the folder to me. I review the terms of what we discussed. The financial details at least. I want to make sure Lauren’s taken care of the rest of her life. She shouldn’t have to want for anything. I flip through to the final page in the folder—it’s divorce papers. I look away quickly and grab the pen on the table and sign it. When she’s ready to move on completely I don’t want anything to stop her. I don’t want her to be stuck, even though it feels like a knife cutting through me as I sign my name. Once I’m done I slide the papers across the table to him. He takes the folder and stands up.

“Well I think I’m done here,” he says, heading towards the door of their office.

“Dex…” He stops mid step.

“Remember, she’s not to know under any circumstances about Chris. No matter what,” I tell him. He turns back towards me.

“None?” he asks. I can’t think of a reason that would be important for her to ever need to know.

“None. Promise me—on your name,” I tell him. If it’s one thing that’s important to them, it’s their name.

“Done,” he says quietly before leaving the room.

“I’m sorry about Gwen, Cal,” Helen says solemnly. “I’m sorry about everything,” she says, her voice cracking.

“Come on Helen. You have to keep up the façade that you don’t have a heart,” I wink at her and she smirks.

“Be careful, I’m going to start thinking
you
have one,” she says as we both stand.

“I have a heart. It’s just not all that big,” I tease her. She walks over and gives me a hug. For the first time ever I really hug her back.

“I know you want her to hate you when you tell her goodbye. Just try to remember, that could be the last time she sees you. Leave her with something to know how much you love her,” she says, looking me in the eye.

“Take care of my girl for me,” I tell her as she walks me to the door.

“Absolutely,” she promises as I enter their private elevator to take me to the exit. She waves and I give her a little salute.

When I walk into the house it’s dark except the light in the hall near our bedroom. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I head up the stairs. This is the first time since I’ve known her that I don’t want to see her. That I wish I didn’t have to because I know what I’m going to tell her is going to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her, now it seems like all I’ve done is hurt her. I think back to that night when I first saw her, how I was trying to save her from that douchebag Michael. I wonder if she would have been better off with him. When I walk in the room she’s sprawled across the bed. Her long dark hair covering the sheets. She’s beautiful, and she seems at peace. Even with all the chaos I’ve brought her, she still sleeps peacefully.

I want to touch her, to kiss her, but I won’t do that. I don’t deserve that. I deserve to walk out of here and never hear her voice, or feel her touch again. I leave the room and walk around the house. The only place I’ve ever felt at home.

She made my house a home, she’s my home.

I sit down on the couch and think of all the things I’ve done to her. How good I’ve made her feel, how bad I’ve made her feel.

After they stopped the medication trial, things just started to crumble. Chris started to come back more frequently, and our transition began taking a lot less time. I had to be gone more often, I even had to stop working. I couldn’t tell her why, so I started to ‘omit’ the truth. I guess that’s what liars tell themselves to feel better, but in reality it’s all a big fabrication. She started to be suspicious but she’s way off base. She thinks I cheat on her. That I have all of these women. I tell her I’d never cheat on her, but she doesn’t believe me because there’s no other plausible explanation. The real explanation is the opposite of plausible. She started to resent me. I saw her change.

She built a persona around herself, one that she puts on to not give a damn, but I see it in her eyes how much it hurts her and I hate myself for it. She thinks I hate her and that makes everything worse. I try to show her I love her the only way I know how without lying. The only time I can see behind her walls she’s built up is when I’m inside her, literally. I’m turning her into someone I never wanted her to be. I liked that she spoke her mind, now she only tells half-truths. She’s angry, and I know it’s because she’s hurting. This is going to hurt her, but she’s strong. She’ll get over me, move on. She can have the life that she always wanted. Someone she can know, whose family she can meet, where her biggest decision is where to go on vacation.

I’ve been down here awhile. I head back upstairs. Before I go into our bedroom for probably the last time I ready myself for this. Ready to take the role of villain, to make her see me as someone I never wanted her to see me as. That’s one of the reasons I loved her so much because even in all our fights and arguments she never looked at me like that.

Today she has to.

“You’re finally up,” I say turning on the light.

“How long have you been here?” she asks, covering the yawn escaping from her mouth.

“About an hour,” I say, sitting in a chair across from the bed so we’re face to face. She glances at me, her eyebrow arched.

“So what did you want to talk to me about?” I pull my chair closer to her and sit back down. She looks at me curiously, I can’t look her in the eye.

“Cal,” she says softly, reminding me of the girl I fell in love with. Not the pissed off angry woman she’s been the past few months.

“What’s wrong?” she whispers, like she’s afraid to hear the answer. I wish more than anything I didn’t have to, but I can’t let her know that. Anger is what she’ll want to hold on to, it’s what she needs.

“I’ve never lied to you,” I say steadying my voice. “And I’m not going to start now,” I drop my head down, run my hands through my hair.
How am I supposed to do this?
My heart rate picks up.

“Just say it,” she commands.

I take her hand. I won’t have the strength to do it if I don’t remind myself how much I love her, more than myself.

“I-I have to leave.” The words are bitter as they come up from my throat.

“Her expression hardens, and she pulls her hand away. “You called me back for this?” She’s sighs, obviously frustrated and annoyed and stands up. I take her hand and pull her back down.

“Look, this is different,” I tell her.

“Everything is different with you, Cal. If you weren’t so different, maybe I wouldn’t feel so screwed up right now,” she snaps at me. She’s pissed and I deserve it, because she’s right. If I wasn’t different we wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t have to do this if I wasn’t different. She could be happy. I could make her happy but things aren’t different, they’re the same and I have to let her go.

“I don’t know 
if
I’ll be back.”

“What?” She looks confused. “Would you mind repeating yourself?” she says sharply.

“I’m going to make sure that you’re taken of. I put sixty thousand in your personal account…”

“What? You don’t know if you’ll be back?” She’s frantic and I try to stay still, calm. “Why does it sound like you’re saying that you’re leaving me?”

“I have to,” I tell her, trying remain indifferent…cold, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

“Is this about me, how I’ve been acting? Is this some kind of revenge thing?” she asks, her voice starting to waver.

“This has nothing to do with you,” I force the words out.

“Exactly, Cal! Look what you’re saying—I’m your wife—and your decision to leave has nothing to do with me?”

“I don’t have a choice.”

“What are you talking about? Cal! Talk to me, please,” she says frantically. “Look at me!” she pleads.

I can’t look at her.

“What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?” Tears are starting to fill her eyes and I feel like I’m being punched in the chest.

“Tell me what the hell is going on! Tell me what’s going on with you for once!” she begs, and I just want her to stop crying, to stop pleading. I want her to yell at me and hit me and punch me not this.

“I can’t!” I yell at her.

“This isn’t about me,” I say, walking away from her. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.

“Then who is it about?”

I can’t answer her.

“You won’t tell me that either, huh?” she says quietly.

“What am I supposed to say, Cal? What?” she yells. “Am I just supposed to accept you leaving? No explanations except ‘you have to.’ Not that I’ve ever gotten one from you. This won’t be any different except who knows when you’ll come back? If you come back.”

“My stock dividends from the company will still be deposited into the account…” I try to focus on what I’m supposed to tell her and nothing else.

“I don’t care about the fucking money! I never cared about any of this—the trips, this house— I never needed this! All I wanted…” she’s screaming now. “All I wanted was you, can’t you see that?” I close my eyes to stop what feels like tears about to start. I can’t cry in front of her.

“Say something,” she whispers.

“Is there someone else?” she asks.

“I told you I’ve never cheated on you,” I say, using anger as my weapon.

“Then why? People just don’t decide to leave out of nowhere. There has to be a reason, tell me you’re in love with someone else; that this isn’t working; that you’re in trouble; just tell me something!”

“There’s nothing I can tell you,” I say quickly.

“What am I supposed to do?” she asks, her voice so light it’s like it’ll shatter.

“Helen and Dex will take care of anything you need…”

“Helen and Dexter? They know about this? How long have you known that you were leaving me? Have you gotten bored with me, or is this just a spur of the moment thing?”

She can’t think that. She has to know that’s not what this is.

“It’s not like that,” I tell her, walking towards her.

She steps away from me. She won’t let me touch her. “Then what? Tell me what it’s like. Tell me something. Tell me why!” she begs.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!” she screams and I don’t know how much longer I can do this. She walks over to the bed and covers her head with her arms. She’s crying so much that she’s shaking. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She’s breaking right in front of me. I’m breaking her down, and it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I reach out to her and she snatches away from me, but I grab her and pull her close.

“Why? Why are you doing this to me?” she whimpers.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her, holding back my own tears.

“No, you aren’t,” she cries.

“Yes, I am,” I whisper in her ear.

Then she wraps her arms around me and she looks up at me. “Don’t make me ask you to stay.” She begins to cry harder. I look away from her.

“I wish I could,” I tell her. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m confusing her. I’m confusing myself. I can’t stay. This will hurt her but she’ll come back from this.

“Don’t! Don’t you dare make this seem as if it’s out of your control. If you wanted to stay, you would!”

I put my hands on her waist and bring my lips to hers. I don’t kiss her and she doesn’t kiss me back and I can’t blame her. I kiss her cheek then rest my cheek against hers.

“You’ll get through this, you’ll have to.” I tell her, this isn’t how things were supposed to go. I don’t know how they were supposed to go now.

“If you’re leaving, go!” She pushes me. “Leave.” I hate you! I hate you, you fucking bastard!” She hits me, and pushes me and screams and cries. I stand there and take it, take it all. I deserve it. When she’s done she rests her head briefly on my chest then takes a deep breath.

“Just go,” she whispers as she sits on the floor, tucking her head in between her knees. I want to tell her that I love her, that it’s fucking killing me to leave her, but that would only make things worse. I start to walk towards her but I know me touching her, isn’t what she needs right now. I leave the room and shut the door behind me and let go completely. I hit the wall, I kick it until I can’t anymore.