If at Birth You Don't Succeed (39 page)

 

Notes

Chapter 4 Comics Without Relief

Chapter 5 Who Wants to Smell a Billionaire?

Chapter 6 How to Lose a Television Show

Chapter 7 Destiny in a Red One-Piece Bathing Suit

Chapter 8 I'll Have a Virgin Zachary

Chapter 10 Hope, Salad, and Breadsticks

Chapter 11 Barking Up the Wrong Tree House

Chapter 12 With Apologies to Gene Shalit

Chapter 14 The Most Magical Life on Earth

Chapter 16 A Wedding, Two Meat Loaves, and a Lobster Funeral

Chapter 17 Grandma: The Musical!

 

Acknowledgments

While this book recounts my first three decades, its pages also reflect a year of beautiful partnership and collaboration. Gillian Grassie and I have spent over five hundred hours working together on this book. Whenever I struggled, she was always right there on Skype and Google Docs helping me find a more descriptive verb, write a tighter sentence, build a stronger paragraph, craft a better narrative, tell a funnier joke, and imploring me to dig deeper. Gilly, thank you for so selflessly giving me the tools, the courage, and sometimes even the words, to be a better writer and a better person. For me, this has been the most rewarding chapter of a life filled with great stories that now, thanks in large part to you, have been told well.

Emi Ikkanda, thanks for believing in this book from the very beginning, having a vision when mine was still hazy, and ruthlessly cutting away unnecessary blabber. Your faith and fortitude kept me from going insane on multiple occasions.

Anna Sproul-Latimer, you are a rock star who single-handedly restored my faith in agents. Thanks for staying with me for two years while I circled around the idea of writing this book. Having you in my corner has been the best thing to ever happen to my career. Even more than that, I'm so happy to call you a friend.

Massive thanks to everyone at Henry Holt for championing the book so fervently and lending me your many talents.

Mom, thanks for never giving up on me, being my most dedicated advocate, and giving me my creative spark. Remember that birthday card I gave you when I was seven that said, “I think I'm starting to like you”? Well, I can now confirm in writing that I love you, Mom. Thanks for giving me everything.

Dad, thank you for your love, support, and ingenuity, which have allowed me to thrive in the world rather than be bogged down by my problems. You are the Leonardo da Vinci of adaptive technology and the reason I'm a man of the world. (For future reference, if I ever bring a girl home for the first time again, maybe don't show her the shower seat you made for me that doubles as a bidet right off the bat?)

Brad, you're the most selfless and patient brother on the face of the planet, not to mention the funniest and most original person I know. You're also my most consistent collaborator and the only reason people see most of my work. Your staunch resolve to never pay more than twelve dollars for a haircut is an inspiration to me every day.

Greg McGill, you're like a hilarious older brother who also sleeps with my mom. I owe you many nickels for all the jokes and awkward phrases I've stolen from you over the years. Thanks for teaching me that getting older is inevitable but growing up is optional.

Andrew Martina, you are my moral compass and a shining yet hairy example of what it means to be a best friend. The twenty-three years I've known you have been the best twenty-three years of my life so far. Growing up with you has been the privilege of a lifetime. So glad to see that we're both kicking ass and chewing bubble gum.

Kevin Scarborough, thank you for these incredible illustrations and for being a consistent inspiration and creative cheerleader. Hot beverage? Kate, thanks for letting me crash at your place and being the most gracious hostess. I resolve to squabble over the check for every dinner.

Chris Demarais, my friendship with you is what kept me in Austin. No matter the project, you've always been there to help. Sadly, you were also my first kiss. That's for another book. For now, I'll just say, thanks for the memories and the muffins.

Aaron Marquis, most of the things I just said about Chris also apply to you, so instead of saying them again, I'm just gonna gloat about how I finished a book before you. Suck it, Aaron, I'm an author!

J. Dillon Flanagan, you are a dreamboat who will stop at nothing in pursuit of truth and honor—a great war hero, a great person, and a much better actor and comedian than you ever give yourself credit for. You are the moon of my life, my sun and stars.

Marshall Rimmer, thanks for your friendship, all of your help with my videos over the years, and for those two days we spent at Mocha Joe's banging out the first draft of the Cindy Crawford story.

Jordan Crowder, my all-American French-Canadian friend, thanks for the countless shoots you helped out with and your impeccable deadpan delivery.

Josh Tate, your assistance has meant a lot through the years, but even more so your filmmaking has shined a light on disability issues in a way that I never could. Thanks for fighting the good fight.

Dave Phillips, thanks for being my first wingman and introducing me to Mel Brooks's comedy.

Mark, my gratitude to you is boundless. Thank you for helping me find my path.

John and Janet Pierson, thank you both for your continued support and advice, and for always shooting straight. It is an honor to call you both friends and mentors.

Kristina, Philip, Luka, Matea, and Han, thank you for being my family on the West Coast.

Papa, I love you as a grandpa, but I admire you as a man. Thank you for always putting family first, letting me raid your closet, and introducing me to strawberry milk shakes.

Grandma Sandy, you fill my life with great memories and meals. Thanks for infusing me with some of that Greek passion, even though I don't have the heritage to back it up!

Thanks to my aunt Bethany, who fought harder to live and enjoy life than anyone I've ever known and could make me pee my pants every time we got together because I laughed so hard.

Grandma Ginny, that was true for you too. Thanks for always being a kid with me and turning me into the goofy sugar freak who always cheats at Yahtzee that I am today.

Grandma Ruthie, thank you for the music, the cookies, and the caramels.

Uncle Rich, I know I promised to describe you as a Brad Pitt type who's married to a Bea Arthur doppelgänger, but I didn't find a way for it to naturally fit in the book. Thank you and Aunt Terri for all the great advice, awesome summers, and confidence boosters (anaconda!), and for always forgiving me when I forget to call.

Corey and Travis, I can think of no better people to be ridiculous with. Laughing with you makes every experience better.

Aunt Naomi and Uncle Gareth, thanks for coming all the way to Berlin to add a special memory to our family's already considerable collection.

To the Anners, the Becks, the Marriotts, and the Rubins, I can't possibly name all of you, but thank you for the huge family gatherings and your generous spirit.

The Hodges, thank you for welcoming this proud Yankee to the South with open arms and a jug of sweet tea.

Babette, Jim, Billy, Rashmini, and Maisy, thank you for welcoming me into the family and being so accommodating and warm.

Alexis Ohanian, thanks for helping me navigate through this crazy digital world and for all the things you do to give guys like me a fighting chance.

Redditors, you guys are the best online community. Thanks for being the loudest voices to make sure that my best stuff gets seen. Your support through the years has been instrumental in every big break that I've had. I'll never forget it. I love you. Upvote!

My friends at SoulPancake, thanks for showing me that good people doing good work can make great things happen.

My friends at Rooster Teeth, thanks for always making me feel like I'm part of the team even though I'm not officially employed by you. (Can I still get dental insurance?)

John Mayer, I'll never be able to write you a song, so this'll have to do: thanks for being a truly decent guy to a complete stranger.

To Oprah and everyone at OWN: thanks for giving me a shot and remaining supportive. I'm forever grateful.

To Mark Burnett Productions and the Your OWN Show team: thanks for making the accommodations so that I could excel. You went above and beyond to ensure I felt respected and valued—two words I never expected to associate with the experience of being on reality TV!

The
Rollin' with Zach
road crew: thanks for embracing the unexpected with me and for sharing so many crazy adventures!

To everyone involved in the YouTube Creator Innovation program, thanks for taking a chance on a cool idea.

Thanks to the University of Texas at Austin: once a Longhorn, always a Longhorn. I know I never finished Spanish, but I'm still banking on an honorary degree from you!

Special thanks also to my generous teachers and therapists at Lindbergh Elementary, Kenmore Middle, and Kenmore West High School, the Tomorrow's Youth Today tutors, and my fifth-grade teacher Mrs. Nabozny for giving up her planning period twice a week so I could write my first play.

I'd like to thank David Sedaris, whose books comprise 93 percent of my personal library, and Stephen King, whose memoir
On Writing
gave me newfound respect for the process and made me regret every adverb.

Finally, thank you to every YouTube subscriber, Twitter follower, and Facebook friend who's ever sent me a message, shared a video, or posted an encouraging comment. I hope to keep making you laugh for years to come.

 

About the Author