Idiots First (15 page)
Authors: Bernard Malamud
Later the professor inspected the maid's room and saw that Rosa had taken all her belongings but the shoes he had given her. When his wife arrived in the apartment, shortly before Thanksgiving, she gave the shoes to the portinaia, who wore them a week, then gave them to her daughter-in-law.
(A SCENE OF A PLAY)
MAURICE FEUER
is a retired sick Jewish actor trying to influence his daughter
ADELE
in her choice of a husband. She is engaged to
LEON SINGER,
a young sporting goods store owner from Newark.
FEUER
approves of
BEN GLICKMAN,
a poor beginning writer in the buildingâa tenement house off Second Avenue in Manhattanâwho seems to share his values in life. At any rate
FEUER
likes him.
FLORENCE FEUER,
the actor's wife, once an actress now a beautician, who has also been around and garnered her kind of wisdom, is all for
LEON.
On a hot mid-August day
LEON
has driven in from New Jersey to surprise
ADELE,
when she arrives home from work, and take her to dinner. As the curtain rises,
LEON,
while waiting for her, is playing cards with the actor. Because of the heat the apartment door is open and people occasionally pass by in the hall
.
is a retired sick Jewish actor trying to influence his daughter
ADELE
in her choice of a husband. She is engaged to
LEON SINGER,
a young sporting goods store owner from Newark.
FEUER
approves of
BEN GLICKMAN,
a poor beginning writer in the buildingâa tenement house off Second Avenue in Manhattanâwho seems to share his values in life. At any rate
FEUER
likes him.
FLORENCE FEUER,
the actor's wife, once an actress now a beautician, who has also been around and garnered her kind of wisdom, is all for
LEON.
On a hot mid-August day
LEON
has driven in from New Jersey to surprise
ADELE,
when she arrives home from work, and take her to dinner. As the curtain rises,
LEON,
while waiting for her, is playing cards with the actor. Because of the heat the apartment door is open and people occasionally pass by in the hall
.
Â
Leon. [quietly] Rummy. This one is mine. [He puts down his cards and begins to add up the score.]
Feuer. [Rising and pushing back his chair, the ACTOR removes his glasses, and without warning, declaims emotionally in Yiddish] My God, you're killing your poor father, this is what you're doing. For your whole life I worked bitter hard to take care of you the way a father should. To feed and clothe you. To give you the best kind of education. To teach you what's right. And so how do you pay me back? You pay me back by becoming a tramp. By living with a married man, a cheap, dirty person who has absolutely no respect for you. A bum who used you like dirt. Worse than dirt. And now when he doesn't want you any more and kicks you out of his bed, you come to me crying, begging I should take you back. My daughter, for what I went through with you, there's no more forgiveness. My heart is milked of tears. It's like a piece of rock. I don't want to see you again in my whole life. Go, but remember, you killed your father. [He hangs his head.]
Leon.
[perplexed] What's that about?
[perplexed] What's that about?
Feuer.
[assuming his identity as he puts on his glasses] Don't you understand Yiddish?
[assuming his identity as he puts on his glasses] Don't you understand Yiddish?
Leon.
Only some of the words.
Only some of the words.
Feuer. Tst-tst. [sitting] It's from a play I once played in the Second Avenue Theater, “Sein Tochter's Geliebter.” I was brilliant in this partâmagnificent. All the critics raved about me even though the play was schmaltz. Even the
New York Times
sent somebody and he wrote in his review that Maurice Feuer is not only a wonderful actor, he is also a magician. What I could do with such a lousy play was unbelievable. I made it come to life. I made it believable.
New York Times
sent somebody and he wrote in his review that Maurice Feuer is not only a wonderful actor, he is also a magician. What I could do with such a lousy play was unbelievable. I made it come to life. I made it believable.
[LEON begins to deal out a new hand as FEUER goes on]
Feuer.
I also played in “Greener Felder,” “Ghosts,” “The Dybbuk,” “The Cherry Orchard,” “Naches fon Kinder,” “Gott fon Nachoma,” and “Yoshe Kalb.” Schwartz played Reb Melech and I played Yoshe. I was brilliantâmarvelous. The play ran three years in New York, and after we played in London, Paris, Prague and Warsaw. We also brought it for a season in South America and played it in Rio, then for sixteen weeks in Buenos Aires â¦
I also played in “Greener Felder,” “Ghosts,” “The Dybbuk,” “The Cherry Orchard,” “Naches fon Kinder,” “Gott fon Nachoma,” and “Yoshe Kalb.” Schwartz played Reb Melech and I played Yoshe. I was brilliantâmarvelous. The play ran three years in New York, and after we played in London, Paris, Prague and Warsaw. We also brought it for a season in South America and played it in Rio, then for sixteen weeks in Buenos Aires â¦
[Struck by a memory FEUER falls silent.]
Leon.
It's your move.
It's your move.
[The ACTOR absently takes a card and without looking gets rid of another. LEON picks up a card, examines it carefully, then drops it among the discards.]
Leon.
Your move.
Your move.
[FEUER, coming back to life, looks at a card and places it on the discard pile.]
Feuer.
This piece I recited to you is a father talking to his daughter. She took the wrong man and it ruined her life.
This piece I recited to you is a father talking to his daughter. She took the wrong man and it ruined her life.
[LEON, examining his cards, has nothing to say.]
Feuer.
[needling a little] You couldn't understand it?
[needling a little] You couldn't understand it?
Leon.
Only partly. Still in all, when I had to I was able to give directions in Yiddish to an old baba with a wig who I met in downtown Newark, on how to get to Brooklyn, New York.
Only partly. Still in all, when I had to I was able to give directions in Yiddish to an old baba with a wig who I met in downtown Newark, on how to get to Brooklyn, New York.
[As they talk they continue the rummy game.]
Feuer.
Adele knows Yiddish perfect. She learned when
she was a little girl. She used to write me letters in Yiddish âthey were brilliant. She also had a wonderful handwriting.
Adele knows Yiddish perfect. She learned when
she was a little girl. She used to write me letters in Yiddish âthey were brilliant. She also had a wonderful handwriting.
Leon.
Maybe she'll teach our kids.
Maybe she'll teach our kids.
[He is unaware of FEUER regarding him ironically.]
Feuer.
[trying a new tack] Do you know something about Jewish history?
[trying a new tack] Do you know something about Jewish history?
Leon.
[amiably] Not very much. [afterthought] If you're worried about religion, don't worry. I was Bar Mitzvahed.
[amiably] Not very much. [afterthought] If you're worried about religion, don't worry. I was Bar Mitzvahed.
Feuer.
I'm not worried about anything. Tell me, do you know any of the big Yiddish writersâPeretz, Sholem Aleichem, Asch?
I'm not worried about anything. Tell me, do you know any of the big Yiddish writersâPeretz, Sholem Aleichem, Asch?
Leon.
I've heard about them.
I've heard about them.
Feuer.
Do you read serious books?
Do you read serious books?
Leon.
Sure, I belong to the Book Find Club.
Sure, I belong to the Book Find Club.
Feuer.
Why don't you pick your own books? Why did you go to college for?
Why don't you pick your own books? Why did you go to college for?
Leon.
I mostly do. It's no harm to belong to a good book club, it saves you time. [looking at his wrist watch] What time is Adele due? It's getting late.
I mostly do. It's no harm to belong to a good book club, it saves you time. [looking at his wrist watch] What time is Adele due? It's getting late.
Feuer.
Why didn't you telephone her so she would know you were coming? It's not expensive to telephone.
Why didn't you telephone her so she would know you were coming? It's not expensive to telephone.
Leon.
I thought I'd give her a surprise. My brother Mortie came into Newark this morning, and he did me the favor to take over the shop so I could get away early. We keep open Wednesday nights.
I thought I'd give her a surprise. My brother Mortie came into Newark this morning, and he did me the favor to take over the shop so I could get away early. We keep open Wednesday nights.
Feuer.
[consulting an old pocket watch] She's late.
[consulting an old pocket watch] She's late.
Leon.
Rummy. I win again. [He shows his cards.]
Rummy. I win again. [He shows his cards.]
Feuer.
[hiding his annoyance] But my best roles were
in Shakespeareâ“Shylock, der Yid,” “Hamlet, der Yeshiva Bucher”âI was wonderful in the kaddish scene for his father, the dead king. And I also played “Kaynig Lear und sein Tochter.”
[hiding his annoyance] But my best roles were
in Shakespeareâ“Shylock, der Yid,” “Hamlet, der Yeshiva Bucher”âI was wonderful in the kaddish scene for his father, the dead king. And I also played “Kaynig Lear und sein Tochter.”
[Rising and again removing his glasses, he recites in English]:
“Down from the waist they are centaurs,
Though women all above;
But to the girdle do the gods inherit,
Beneath is all the fiends':
There's hell, there's darkness, there's the
Sulphurous pit,
Burning, scalding, stench, consumption. Fie, fie,
Fie, poh, poh. Give me an ounce of civet good
Apothecary, to sweeten my imagination.”
[LEON, as though this were not news to him, finishes adding up the score. He shuffles the cards thoroughly as FEUER puts on his glasses, and sitting, regards him objectively.]
Leon.
Another game? We're running even now, two and two. Almost the same points.
Another game? We're running even now, two and two. Almost the same points.
Feuer.
The last one.
The last one.
[LEON deals again and the game goes on.]
Feuer.
[after playing a card, continuing to needle] Tell me, Leon, do you like tragedy?
[after playing a card, continuing to needle] Tell me, Leon, do you like tragedy?
Leon.
Do I like it?
Do I like it?
Feuer.
Do you like to see a tragedy on the stage or read tragic books?
Do you like to see a tragedy on the stage or read tragic books?
Leon.
I can take it or leave it. Generally my nature is cheerful.
I can take it or leave it. Generally my nature is cheerful.
Feuer.
[building] But you went to college. You're a
good business man. Adele says you read the
New York Times
everyday. In other words you're an intelligent person. So answer me this question: Why do all the best writers and poets write tragedy? And why does every theater play such plays and all kinds of people pay their good money to see tragedies? Why is that?
[building] But you went to college. You're a
good business man. Adele says you read the
New York Times
everyday. In other words you're an intelligent person. So answer me this question: Why do all the best writers and poets write tragedy? And why does every theater play such plays and all kinds of people pay their good money to see tragedies? Why is that?
Leon.
To tell the truth, I never had occasion to give it much thought.
To tell the truth, I never had occasion to give it much thought.
Feuer.
[a touch of malice] Do me a favor, think about it now.
[a touch of malice] Do me a favor, think about it now.
Leon.
[wary] I'm not so sure I can tell you exactly but I suppose it's because a lot of life is like that. You realize what's what.
[wary] I'm not so sure I can tell you exactly but I suppose it's because a lot of life is like that. You realize what's what.
Feuer.
What do you mean, “suppose”? Don't you know for sure? Think what we live through everydayâacciâdents, murders, sickness, disappointments. The thought of death alone is enough.
What do you mean, “suppose”? Don't you know for sure? Think what we live through everydayâacciâdents, murders, sickness, disappointments. The thought of death alone is enough.
Leon.
[subdued] I know what you mean.
[subdued] I know what you mean.
Feuer.
[sarcasm evident] You think you know. Do you really know the condition of human existence? Do you know what the universe means? I'm not talking about who's dead but also about millions of peopleâin the millionsâwho live for nothing. They have nothing but poverty, disease, suffering. Or they live in a prison like the Russians. Is this your idea of a good life for everybody?
[sarcasm evident] You think you know. Do you really know the condition of human existence? Do you know what the universe means? I'm not talking about who's dead but also about millions of peopleâin the millionsâwho live for nothing. They have nothing but poverty, disease, suffering. Or they live in a prison like the Russians. Is this your idea of a good life for everybody?
[BEN GLICKMAN appears at the doorway, looks in hungrily, sees LEON and goes on his way upstairs. Neither of the card players has noticed him.]
Leon.
I wouldn't say that.
I wouldn't say that.
Feuer.
If you know, you know conditions and you got to do something about them. A man has to be interested to
ask for change where it is necessary, to help which way he can.
If you know, you know conditions and you got to do something about them. A man has to be interested to
ask for change where it is necessary, to help which way he can.
Leon.
I try to help. I give regularly to charity, including the United Jewish Appeal.
I try to help. I give regularly to charity, including the United Jewish Appeal.
Feuer.
This isn't enough.
This isn't enough.
Leon.
What do you do?
What do you do?
Feuer.
[laying down his cards; emotionally] What do I do? I suffer for those who suffer. My heart bleeds for all the injustice in this world.
[laying down his cards; emotionally] What do I do? I suffer for those who suffer. My heart bleeds for all the injustice in this world.
[LEON is silently studying his cards.]
Feuer.
[picking up his hand, speaking quietly though still with a purpose] Do you ever think what happens to youâinside your soul, when you see a tragic play, for instance Shakespeare?
[picking up his hand, speaking quietly though still with a purpose] Do you ever think what happens to youâinside your soul, when you see a tragic play, for instance Shakespeare?
Leon.
[suddenly recalling] I feel a catharsis through pity and terror.
[suddenly recalling] I feel a catharsis through pity and terror.
Feuer.
[after a pause] Don't quote me your college books. A writer writes tragedy so people don't forget that they are human. He shows us the conditions that exist. He organizes for us the meaning of our lives so it is clear to our eyes. That's why he writes it, that's why we play it. My best roles were tragic roles. I enjoyed them the most though I was also marvelous in comedy. “Leid macht auch lachen.”
[after a pause] Don't quote me your college books. A writer writes tragedy so people don't forget that they are human. He shows us the conditions that exist. He organizes for us the meaning of our lives so it is clear to our eyes. That's why he writes it, that's why we play it. My best roles were tragic roles. I enjoyed them the most though I was also marvelous in comedy. “Leid macht auch lachen.”
[He laughs dramatically, then quietly draws a card and lays down his hand triumphantly.] Rummy!
Leon.
You win. [He begins to tote up the score.] I guess I owe you exactly fifty-one cents. [Taking out his change purse he puts down two quarters and a penny and gently pushes the money towards FEUER'S side of the table.]
You win. [He begins to tote up the score.] I guess I owe you exactly fifty-one cents. [Taking out his change purse he puts down two quarters and a penny and gently pushes the money towards FEUER'S side of the table.]
Feuer.
[casually; ignoring the money] So how is the baseball situation now, Leon?
[casually; ignoring the money] So how is the baseball situation now, Leon?
Leon.
[He bites.] I think the Yanks and Dodgers are leading as usual. [catching on] I'm afraid I'm not following the situation very closely, Mr. Feuer.
[He bites.] I think the Yanks and Dodgers are leading as usual. [catching on] I'm afraid I'm not following the situation very closely, Mr. Feuer.
Feuer.
If you don't follow it, what do you talk about to your sporting goods customers?
If you don't follow it, what do you talk about to your sporting goods customers?
Leon.
[patiently] Different things, though not necessarily sports. People are peopleâthey talk about a lot of things. [He slides the three coins a bit farther forward.] You better put this away, Mr. Feuer.
[patiently] Different things, though not necessarily sports. People are peopleâthey talk about a lot of things. [He slides the three coins a bit farther forward.] You better put this away, Mr. Feuer.
Feuer.
I'm not worried about the money. I play because I like to play. [A thought strikes him.] You know the story about the famous rabbi and the rich man? He was rich and a miser. The rabbi took him to the window and said, “What do you see, tell me?” The rich man looked and he said, “I see the street, what else should I see?” “What's in the street?” “What's in the street?” said the rich Jew, “people
I'm not worried about the money. I play because I like to play. [A thought strikes him.] You know the story about the famous rabbi and the rich man? He was rich and a miser. The rabbi took him to the window and said, “What do you see, tell me?” The rich man looked and he said, “I see the street, what else should I see?” “What's in the street?” “What's in the street?” said the rich Jew, “people
âthey're walking in the street.” Then the rabbi took him to a mirror in the room and he said,”What do you see now?” “What do I see now?” said the rich man.”Naturally I see myself, of course.” “Aha,” said the rabbi. “You'll notice in the window is glass, and there is also glass in the mirror. But the glass in the mirror has silver painted on the back, and once there's the silver you stop seeing everybody else and you only see yourself.”
Leon.
[still patient] The way I look at it is this. Rummy is a game of chance. If you play for cash the loser pays with cash and the winner accepts with good grace.
[still patient] The way I look at it is this. Rummy is a game of chance. If you play for cash the loser pays with cash and the winner accepts with good grace.
[Again he slides the coins towards FEUER.]
Feuer.
[pushing them back] Please don't tell me about manners. About manners I knew before you were born.
[pushing them back] Please don't tell me about manners. About manners I knew before you were born.
Leon.
Mr. Feuer, if you want to insult me, there are better ways.
Mr. Feuer, if you want to insult me, there are better ways.
Feuer.
Why should I insult you?
Why should I insult you?
Leon.
Please don't think I am a dope. It's as plain as anyone's nose that you don't like me though I wish I knew why.
Please don't think I am a dope. It's as plain as anyone's nose that you don't like me though I wish I knew why.
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