Identical (37 page)

he stops, turns to me. I expect

a kiss. Instead I get words.

I know you have to get home,

but I really think we need to talk….

So much for tomorrow.

What can I say but, “Okay.”

This is not at all going

where I predicted it would.

You know I’ve loved you for

a long time. To believe you

might love me back is all

I’ve ever wanted….

Words spew, an eruption

of emotion. “I do, Ian, I do

love you. I know I haven’t

always acted like it, but—”

Shush. Let me talk. Now I need

more from you. I need to believe

you trust me enough to not keep

secrets. To share your secrets.

Here it comes. Cold, bitter

panic, rising up like stomach

acid did just this morning.

“What do you mean?”

He pauses. Kisses me gently.

I’m scared for you, Kaeleigh.

You’re losing weight. And, are—

don’t get mad—are you cutting?

Every instinct cries out to

deny, deny, deny. “No, I…”

It might feel good to confess.

“Things are stressful right now.”

The not-quite-confession riles

the protector in him.
You can’t

cut, Kaeleigh. Please. If you

need help, I’ll find it for you.

“No!” No damn help, because

they’d want to know the whys

behind what I do. “No. I’ll be

all right, as long as I have you.”

Then you have to promise

not to cut, and if you think you

have to, you’ll call
. He kisses

the promise out of me.

Ian cruises slowly up the block.

I want to tell him, “Keep going.”

And going. I know it’s impossible,

but how amazing it would be to

just keep driving until we found

somewhere safe for the two of us

to settle down, merge into one.

As we pass Hannah’s, I happen

to notice the front door swing

open. Just inside is a familiar

form, standing very close to

Hannah. (Just like in the kitchen.)

The thought makes my skin

crawl. And then he bends to kiss

her. (Just like in the kitchen.)

Before I can twist my head away,

dig it into Ian’s back, Daddy

turns, preparing to leave. And our

eyes meet in a moment of mutual,

instantaneous recognition. He

knows who it is beneath this

helmet. And I know how he

has spent this frigid afternoon.

With activity. Odd, to see

Mom so animated, here

at home, so much more

the way she used to be.

Holding court in the living

room, she gives directions

regally. Wonder if she notices

her nose, tilted so far skyward.

Delivery guys move furniture,

set up chairs, a buffet table.

Maids-for-a-day vacuum, dust,

wash windows, scrub floors.

Some rental place sets up

a wall-sized flat-screen TV.

If all this energy would focus

on the polls, Mom couldn’t lose.

Daddy isn’t far behind me

through the door. Despite

a house full of witnesses,

his hands pounce on my

shoulders, spin me to face

him.
Haven’t I told you no

rides with young drivers?

And who was that, anyway?

At the corners of his mouth,

and his eyes betray insanity.

If we were alone, I’d be frantic

with fear. But we’re not. And

I hold

an amazing trump card. I yank

myself from Daddy’s grasp.

“That was Ian. I’m sure it

means nothing to you, but

he and I have been friends

forever.

That’s right, Daddy. I do have

a friend or two, despite you.”

His pupils go black with rage.

But suddenly I feel brave,

in

control. It probably won’t last

long, but for once, I’ve got

as much power as he does.

The house quiets as I continue

my

taunting monologue. “Of course,

we’re not nearly as good friends

as you and Hannah seem to be.”

Think I went too far. He’s flat

trembling

with fury. And I know if he

could get away with it, he’d

reward me with the back of his

hand.

With some trepidation.

Caller ID totally busted me.

Uh, hi. Uh…I should tell you, me

and Madison are a thing again.

“I know. I don’t want to hurt

your relationship….” Oh no,

not at all! “It’s just I really need

to get my head. Please? I’ll make

it worth your while.”

The greed factor works every time.

Oh. Okay, just so you know. You know?

Was I ever
really
with this guy?

“Hey, no problem. I promise

to be the perfect lady.” Just stoned.

Give me fifteen minutes. But hey.

Promise not to tell Mad, okay?

Fuck. Whatever. I made my voice

real sweet. “Oh, I’d never do that.

But I do miss…oh, you know.

It was always so good with you.”

He’s on his way. And I’m…

Cutting through the sea of fog

like an orca on the hunt.

I don’t have to wait long before

headlights find me in the mist.

I climb up into the Avalanche,

dive immediately under the seat

without even saying hi. Not nice.

I find the tray, start to roll. “Hi.”

Mick looks at me, laughs.

Okay, then. So where to?

Translation: Exactly how will

you make it worth my while?

Not like that, m’ dear. For all

I know, you’ve got Madison on you.

“Don’t care. Just drive. Not through

town. And please don’t speed.”

OMG. How long has it been since

I’ve filled my lungs, held it in,

dropped way down low behind

a hedge of “who gives a fuck”?

Mick and I are somewhere

out Foxen Canyon, totally

wasted. When we drove by

Ty’s place, I half considered

taunting Mick with a confession.

Mick pulls over in a deserted spot.

He probably has to pee. But no,

he reaches across the seat.
Come

over here. Make it worth my while.

“I don’t think so, Mick. You’re

back with Madison now. Wouldn’t

want to mess that up for you.”

You so deserve each other.

He slides over, gagging me with

the smell of his sweat. No shower

today?
She doesn’t have to know.

Better not know. Come on.