I Unlove You (43 page)

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Authors: Matthew Turner

Tags: #coming of age, #love story, #literary fiction, #contemporary romance, #new adult, #mature young adult

BOOK: I Unlove You
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Oh, Jesus, where did I
go?


It

s hard to say, but
nowhere good. Stevie saw you several times,
though.


Stevie the drug dealer? That
Stevie?


Yep.


But

I hate that
scumbag.


Apparently not. You kept
calling him.


I called him? How did I get his
number?


The hell if I know. I
can

t understand the guy at the best of times, but
he

s especially useless at three in the morning. Anyway,
despite being baked off his face, he did call me a few times after
he saw you, although he never gave me much
information.


Why?


He

s a piece-of-shit,
that

s why. He sells crack to people and smokes more than
he sells. I

m lucky he called me
at all.

Resting my head on the back of the couch, I stare at the
blank TV screen.

What did I buy off him? I didn

t smoke crack,
did I?

Laughing, he wraps his giant hands around my
shoulder.

I don

t think so. You did
have quite the party, though.


More than
weed?


You kidding me? Definitely more
than weed. He couldn

t remember what he
gave you, but it involved a cocktail of pills, blow, and a little
acid, too.


Acid? Cocaine? What the
hell?


Whether he

s telling
the truth or not, I don

t know, but
considering the state you

re in,
it

s fair to assume you tried a few new
treats.


Why would I?
I

ve
never
…”


Once you start a rollercoaster
ride like that, you don

t get off without a
fight.

I
push my hand through my hair and massage my temples.

Why
didn

t you tell him to stop selling me
stuff?

I say, whining.


He

s a piece-of-shit-drug-dealer,
Aus. He

ll sell drugs to anyone.

Groaning and moaning, I pull the blanket over my head to
hide as much shame and pain as I can.

Fine. Fine,

I say, my voice
muffled by the fabric.

Where did I end up? If
I haven

t been in any bars for the last three days,
where have I been?


I

m not quite
sure.


But you know
everyone.


Brother, you have to understand
you

ve spent the last few days hanging out with a bad
crowd. I don

t exactly bump
shoulders with crack addicts and meth-heads,
okay?

He stands up and takes another swig from his hip
flask.

A few people do think they may have seen you, although
it

s hard to say because they were
high.


Who? Who saw
me?


This girl I know, Josie. She
thinks she saw you at some party in Bramley, although
I

m not sure she

s ever met you, so
she may be talking nonsense. But Ross

he

s sure he spoke to
you last night. He can

t remember where or
for how long, but he seemed pretty certain. The problem is, these
people are high as hell. You can

t believe a word
they say, which is why I

ve been so
worried.


Seriously, you scared me. At
first, I figured you were letting off steam and enjoying the bender
of a lifetime. I was actually proud, although a tad disappointed
you didn

t include me.

He sits next to me again, topping up
my coffee with another splash of whisky.

Last
night

I didn

t know what to do. I
didn

t want to call your parents because I kept thinking as
soon as I did you

d turn up. I
didn

t want to worry them or get you in trouble, so I
waited

and waited
…”

He
turns away from me, looking out to the darkening
Leeds

skyline.

It

s like reliving this craziness with
B
all over
again. You descended into a world you don

t belong in,
and you

re lucky to come out of it
unscathed.

He faces me now, with a half-smile and tired eyes.

I have no
idea where you ended up this morning, but some scumbags live near
Jim. Promise me you won

t do something like
this again.


I promise, Joe. And I

m sorry.
I don

t know what I was thinking.


It

s
fine,

he says, gripping my shoulder with a heavy hand.

You

re safe
and it

s over. I think the best thing we can both do is
forget about it.


Yeah, I know.
You

re right. I

m sorry, and thanks
for looking for me. I

m lucky to
have
—“


Say no more,

he says, standing up
and walking towards the kitchen.

You know I have your
back, although you may like to get yourself checked out in the next
day or two.


Why?


You know,

he says, pointing
towards my crotch.

Checked. Out.


You think

I might
have

No, I haven

t had sex with
anyone, Joe.

Laughing, he opens the fridge and grabs two bottles of
water.

You

ve had sex, alright.


No

no

I don

t feel like
I

ve had sex.


Trust me,
you

ve had lots of sex. You don

t go to parties
like that and not have sex.

He tosses me one of the bottles and
spins the other in his fingers.

You have one hundred
percent had sex with some suspect women you would never consider
having sex with under normal circumstances.

He opens the bottles
and takes a deep swig of one.

Hell, maybe more than
suspect girls
…”


Shit,

I say, holding my thighs.

Please
tell me you

re joking.

Shrugging, he sits back down beside me.

Anyway, how did all
this begin? Since when do you tell your boss to fuck
off?

Draining my mug of coffee and whisky dry, I sigh once
more.

I have no idea. I just lost it. I sat in the same chair I
did for my interview and considered everything
that

s happened since uni - not just all this shit
with
B
and the baby, but the job, and moving back home, and
becoming this lemming who wakes up each morning and does the same
thing, day in, day out. I lost it.


He wanted to help me, not fire
me. He knew something was wrong, but all I saw was this man who
started this nightmare. I hated him, which made me hate myself
because I

m the one who made the decision to get a job
like that.


It

s like
you

ve been saying for months, this isn

t me.
This isn

t who I want to be, and this
isn

t the life
B
and I talked about. Maybe this is
why she did what she did, because
—“


Brother,
B
didn

t do this because
you got a job. You know that, right? You know how crazy that
sounds?


I know, but maybe it played a
part. She didn

t fall in love with
a graphic designer. I write and draw and create art that
matters
,
but do you know something? I haven

t written or created
anything in months. I grew up pretending to be this artist who
would push against conformity and live a life of meaning, but the
moment the world pushed me back, I fell to my knees. The minute I
took that job is the minute I gave up.


Aus, that

s
crazy.


I don

t think it
is.


B
did
what she did because she chose to. It

s not your fault.
It

s not my fault. It

s not your
boss

fault. It

s
hers.


I know. I know, Joe, and for
the first time I honestly believe that. Waking up this morning and
seeing what she

s done to
me

I
hated her. I hated her so much.

I grit my teeth and clench my tender
fists.

But it doesn

t change the fact I
gave up on
me
. I know I can

t blame myself for
what she

s done, but I can

t blame her for all
of this, either. I took that job, and have made a whole host of
shit decisions of late; sitting in that shitty office made me
see.


I

ve been so weak and
scared. Leaving uni, taking the first job I could find, acting the
way I did when
B
told me about

him

I feel so far removed
from the guy I dreamed of becoming. I was so angry at Tony, but the
truth is, I was angry at myself. I guess I took my anger out on
myself, because why else would I do all this?

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