I Never Metaphor I Didn't Like (10 page)

W. S. GILBERT,
on partner Arthur Sullivan

Despite their remarkable creative partnership, Gilbert and Sullivan had a rocky personal relationship. Gilbert made this comment after Sullivan had complained that Gilbert's skill as a librettist didn't match his as a composer.

 

Bambi with testosterone.

OWEN GLEIBERMAN,
on Prince

This appeared in
Entertainment Weekly
in 1990. In 1986, Boy George said of Prince: “He looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair.”

 

He cast off his friends, as a huntsman his pack,
For he knew when he pleas'd he could whistle them back.

OLIVER GOLDSMITH,
on David Garrick

He talks so fast that listening to him is like
trying to read
Playboy
magazine with your wife turning the pages.

BARRY GOLDWATER,
on Hubert H. Humphrey

Freud is the father of psychoanalysis. It had no mother.

GERMAINE GREER

This, from Greer's 1971
The Female Eunuch
, is one of the twentieth century's most sophisticated insults. Feminists long quarreled with Freud, believing that psychoanalysis was a giant edifice built around a male-dominated view of the world. But it wasn't until this observation that a female voice grasped the concept that the most effective counterattack was not with anger but with wit.

 

A very weak-minded fellow I am afraid, and, like the feather pillow,
bears the marks of the last person who has sat on him.

EARL DOUGLAS HAIG,
on Edward Stanley (Lord Derby)

His speech was rather like being savaged by a dead sheep.

DENIS HEALY,
on Sir Geoffrey Howe

Healy said this in a House of Commons debate in 1978. In his 1989 memoir he said the comment “was an adaptation of Churchill's remark that an attack by Attlee was ‘like being savaged by a pet lamb.'” Nobody else recalls Churchill's remark (although he once did describe Attlee as “a sheep in sheep's clothing”).

 

If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel,
I want drilling rights on George Bush's head.

JIM HIGHTOWER,

on George H. W. Bush, in 1988

That man's ears make him look like a taxi-cab with both doors open.

HOWARD HUGHES,
on Clark Gable

He was to ordinary male chauvinist pigs what Moby Dick was to whales.

ROBERT HUGHES,
on Pablo Picasso

A grenade with the pin pulled.

JOHN HUSTON,
on the volatile Charles Bronson

The trouble with Senator Long is that he
is suffering from halitosis of the intellect.

HAROLD L. ICKES,
on Senator Huey P. Long

Ickes was FDR's Secretary of the Interior. His best-known quip came in 1939, just after the thirty-seven-year-old Thomas Dewey announced his intention to become the Republican presidential nominee: “Dewey has thrown his diaper into the ring.”

 

Calling George Bush shallow is like calling a dwarf short.

MOLLY IVINS

Ivins said this about the elder Bush in 1990, but she wouldn't have quibbled with anyone who applied it to George W. Bush. In 1999, she wrote about him: “If you think his daddy had trouble with ‘the vision thing,' wait'll you meet this one.”

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts.

CLIVE JAMES

As a work of art, it has the same status as
a long conversation between two not very bright drunks.

CLIVE JAMES,
on Judith Krantz's
Princess Daisy (1980)

The poet of junk food and pop culture.

SHEILA JOHNSTON,
on Steven Spielberg

The biggest bug in the manure pile.

ELIA KAZAN,

on Harry Cohn and Hollywood

This little flower, this delicate little beauty, this cream puff…
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

PAUL KEATING,
on Australian politician John Hewson

The Christian Coalition has no more to do with Christianity
than the Elks Club has to do with large animals with antlers.

GARRISON KEILLOR

The Canadian comedian Robin Tyler offered a related analogy: “Fundamentalists are to Christianity what paint-by-numbers is to art.”

 

She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth—
or anywhere else.

ELSA LANCHESTER,
on Maureen O'Hara

A cold bitch
might be used today, but Lanchester excelled in the art of analogy. If her full meaning is not apparent,
or anywhere else
suggests frigidity.

 

Jimmy Carter as president is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton.
The job is too big for him.

RICH LITTLE

The idea of a job being too big for someone has never been better described. Don Rickles was thinking similarly when he said, “Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.”

 

He looks just like the little man on the wedding cake.

ALICE ROOSEVELT LONGWORTH,
on Thomas E. Dewey

Mrs. Longworth, the colorful daughter of Theodore Roosevelt, became such a fixture in our nation's capital in the mid-1900s that she was called “Wash-ington's other monument.” She made this remark during the 1948 presidential race, when Dewey was heavily favored to defeat Harry S Truman.
Once the remark was made, many voters couldn't get the image out of their minds—Dewey, with his pencil-thin mustache and formal demeanor, did look as stiff as the groom figures seen on wedding cakes. How many votes did it cost Dewey? Enough to give Truman the surprise victory, which he celebrated by hoisting a
Chicago Tribune
with the famously wrong headline: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN.

 

Though I yield to no one in my admiration for Mr. Coolidge,
I do wish he did not look as if he had been weaned on a pickle.

ALICE ROOSEVELT LONGWORTH,
on Calvin Coolidge

Mrs. L. heard this remark from her doctor, and even though she went to great lengths to credit him, the saying is almost always attributed to her.

 

His imagination resembled the wings of an ostrich.
It enabled him to run, though not to soar.

THOMAS BABINGTON MACAULAY,
on John Dryden

Macaulay added: “When he attempted the highest flights, he became ridiculous; but while he remained on a lower region, he outstripped all competitors.”

 

You know, the French remind me a little bit
of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying
to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.

JOHN MCCAIN

When France failed to support the 2003 invasion of Iraq, many American politicians fired rhetorical shots at our former ally. Another insulting analogy came from Jed Babbin, a former deputy undersecretary of defense in
the first Bush administration. Appearing on MSNBC's
Hardball
in January 2003, he said, “You know, frankly, going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind.”

 

She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else.

MORRISSEY,
on Madonna

A pile of shit in a silk stocking.

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE,
on Charles-Maurice de Talleyrand

The triumph of sugar over diabetes.

GEORGE JEAN NATHAN,
on James M. Barrie

The Englishman has all the qualities of a poker except its occasional warmth.

DANIEL O'CONNELL

The lighthouse in a sea of absurdity.

FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE,
on Victor Hugo

The air currents of the world never ventilated his mind.

WALTER H. PAGE,
on Woodrow Wilson

Page, an early Wilson supporter, was rewarded with an appointment as ambassador to Great Britain in 1913. He became disenchanted with Wilson's policy of neutrality in the early years of World War I. While he was pleased when the United States entered the war in 1917, he never again supported Wilson. The line perfectly describes many contemporary Americans who
have taken love of country a little too far. They fold up the American flag and wrap it around their eyes like a blindfold, making them virtually immune to international influence.

 

A vacuum with nipples.

OTTO PREMINGER
, on Marilyn Monroe

Also speaking about Monroe, Billy Wilder said: “The question is whether Marilyn is a person at all or one of the greatest Dupont products ever invented. She has breasts like granite and a brain like Swiss cheese, full of holes.”

 

He is a man of splendid abilities, but utterly corrupt.
He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight.

JOHN RANDOLPH,
on Edward Livingston

Many books and Web sites continue to mistakenly report that Henry Clay was the target of this legendary metaphorical insult. John F. Kennedy even got it wrong in his 1957 book
Profiles in Courage
(where he described the line as “the most memorable and malignant sentence in the history of personal abuse”). Randolph, who was hailed by William Safire as the recognized “master of American political invective,” said it about Edward Livingston, a former New York City mayor who had been elected to Congress. In 1998, Bill Weld, the ex-federal prosecutor and former governor of Massachusetts, titled his first novel
Mackerel by Moonlight
. Appropriately, it was a tale of political corruption.

 

He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.

REX REED,
on Sylvester Stallone

Most of the time, Brando sounds like he has a mouth full of wet toilet paper.

REX REED,
on Marlon Brando

If a swamp alligator could talk, it would sound like Tennessee Williams.

REX REED

I was particularly stunned by the casting of Cruise, who is no more
my Vampire Lestat than Edward G. Robinson is Rhett Butler.

ANNE RICE,
on Tom Cruise

Rice said this in 1993, shortly after the announcement that Cruise would play the Vampire Lestat in a film adaptation of her 1974 novel,
Interview With a Vampire.
After screening the film a year later, Rice was so captivated by Cruise's performance that she recanted her position in a full-page ad she took out in the trade newspaper
Variety.
In a later interview, she replaced her insulting analogy with a complimentary one: “I like to believe Tom's Lestat will be remembered the way Olivier's Hamlet is remembered.”

 

Poor George, he can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.

ANN RICHARDS,
on George H. W. Bush

In 1988, three years before becoming Texas governor, Richards delivered this line in an address at the Democratic National Convention. The remark, an alteration of the metaphor about being born with a silver spoon in one's mouth, was a two-fisted jab—referring to Bush's elocution difficulties as well as his privileged background. On this latter point, Democrats in Texas were fond of saying about Bush: “He was born on third base and thought he got there by hitting a triple.”

 

Beethoven always sounds to me like the upsetting of a bag of nails,
with here and there an also dropped hammer.

JOHN RUSKIN

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.

ERIC SEVAREID

Miss Streisand looks like a cross between an aardvark and an albino rat
surmounted by a platinum-coated horse bun.

JOHN SIMON,
on Barbra Streisand

Miss Garland's figure resembles
the giant-economy-size tube of toothpaste in girls' bathrooms:
squeezed intemperately at all points, it acquires a shape
that defies definition by the most resourceful solid geometrician.

JOHN SIMON,
on Judy Garland

Diana Rigg is built like a brick mausoleum
with insufficient flying buttresses.

JOHN SIMON,
on Rigg's nude scene in
Abelard and Heloise

Rigg is best-known for playing Mrs. Peel in the 1960s TV series
The Avengers
. Simon's remark became popular in part because of its similarity to a simile American men have long used to describe buxom women:
built like a brick shithouse.

 

He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop.

SYDNEY SMITH,
on Thomas Babington Macaulay

Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan—a Mount Rushmore of incompetence.

DAVID STEINBERG

His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow;
it could hold a small amount of nearly anything,
but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody's lap.