I Love You, Beth Cooper (20 page)

“Step away from the boy,” a loudspeaking voice said.

The squad car flashed its cherries and gave a short burst of siren for emphasis. The other Lake Hakaka police car pulled up behind it.

The army men seemed perplexed by this turn of events.

“Duh,”
Rich informed them. “We called the police.”

“We're not like stupid teenagers,” Treece added.

IT WAS MORNING
when the squad car pulled up to 22 Mary Lu Lane, a tiny ranch house only a block from where Denis's father grew up. This was what was known as Old Buffalo Grove, which local Realtors touted for its large selection of
starter homes
.

Denis, Rich and Beth were in the backseat, being delivered home by a Lake Hakaka police officer who, in all honesty, had nothing better to do. Cammy and Treece were escorted in the other patrol car, after sitting on Sean and Dustin's laps for the ride to the station.

Denis's anxious predictions to the contrary, it did not appear as if Beth was going to be charged with ten crimes. Kevin's father had quickly agreed to forgo larceny charges in exchange for Denis's statement that he didn't feel as if he was being murdered at any point in the evening. Treece's father dealt with the Woolly family, persuading them that seeking justice for the front of their house was not worth a class-action lawsuit over knowingly serving alcohol to minors at a party supervised by their drug-addicted son. Later it would turn out that none of the kids at the party had seen anything anyway.

On the ride home, Rich had entertained Officer Peasley with Pacino cops from
Serpico, Sea of Love, Heat
and
Cruising,
as well as Pacino robbers from
Dog Day Afternoon, Scarface, Donnie Brasco
and
Dick Tracy
. He threw in a little
Scent of a Woman,
even though it was off-topic.

Denis and Beth fell asleep on each other, briefly, and at different times.

BETH GOT OUT OF THE CAR.
She left the door open to say good-bye.

“Thank you for a
very
memorable evening.”

“We'll have to do it again sometime.”

“Sure,” Beth said.

Denis said, “Sure.”

“Good luck. With Northwestern, and everything.”

“You too. With everything.”

She extended her hand. Denis took it. Beth grinned, and bent down and kissed him.

On the forehead.

She walked away.

Denis got out of the car. “Wait.”

Beth turned around.

“See you at the reunion,” Denis said.

“Yeah.”

“If you're not too fat, I'll marry you.”

“Thanks,” Beth said. “That'll give me some incentive.”

She fluttered her fingers in farewell, and started back toward the house. None of the lights were on. She took out her keys and let herself in.

Denis got back in the squad car.

“YOU'LL SEE HER AGAIN,”
Rich said as the car pulled away. “She's had a taste of the Coove.”

“Please stop calling me that.”

“You know, I think we might have more traction with ‘The Penis' anyway. We just need to spin it, give it a legendary angle—”

“You said it would be better if I got over her.”

Rich didn't answer right away.

“I just want what you want.”

Denis gazed out the window. He got what he wanted. Didn't he?

A minute or so later, Rich spoke again.

“Hey, guess what? I think I'm gay.”

Denis's reaction was more pronounced than he thought it would be.

“Dude,” Rich said. “I'm not gay
for you.
”

“That's great.” Denis recovered. “I mean, the first part.”

“I may be bi. Cary Grant was bi.”

Denis spoke next, but not for another couple of minutes.

“So,” he said, “what're you doing later?”

“I gotta go get my shoes.”

“After that, want to come over?”

“What for?”

“I don't know.”

“Sure.”

THE PATROL CAR TURNED
onto Hackberry Drive. Rich spoke again.

“The DVD for
Go, Mutants!
just came out. On the unrated disc, Shanley Harmer is 30 percent more nude.”

“I thought you were gay.”

“Celebrity nudity transcends sexual orientation. You want me to bring it over?”

“By all means.”

Denis's parents were waiting for him on the front lawn. His mother hugged him, started to cry, and ran into the house. Denis and his father walked to the door.

“I hope you had fun,” he said.

“I did. I had fun.”

They stepped over the apple tree.

“You know we're going to have to punish you…somehow.”

“I know.”

“What do they do these days? Do they still ground you? I don't even know.”

“Whatever it is, it was worth it.”

Mr. C put his arm around his son.

“Let's not tell your mother that.”

 

 

 

 

Denis grew seven inches that summer, and gained nearly forty pounds. Growing pains kept him in bed for most of July, but he didn't mind.

 

Rich gave homosexuality a shot, didn't like that either, and was holding out to see what the other alternatives were.

 

Cammy and Treece decided they were just good friends, who should not drink so much around each other anymore.

 

Denis didn't see Beth Cooper again until late August, a week before he had intended to leave for school…