I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (8 page)

○Stimulate multiple parts at once. Many women love having other parts of their body touched simultaneously with clitoral stimulation (though actually pulling this off can be a bit like rubbing your head and patting your stomach at the same time).

The longer the foreplay and the more you communicate how much you want me, the more likely I am to have an orgasm (or two or three) and the better it will be. Playing with multiple body parts at once—pinching my nipples or touching my clit or grabbing my butt
—
is always great stimulation.

I enjoy multiple stimulation. I like anal with vaginal with clitoral. Or any combination of those
—
although clitoral with either vaginal or anal will make me have an orgasm faster and better.

○Ask, ask, ask. What women like varies
dramatically.
Ask her to guide you and teach you, and be open to learning the nuances of her body’s dance. If you don’t know what to say, ask, “How’s this?” or short questions like, “Up here?” “Side to side like this?” “Harder?” Women, don’t expect your partner to read your mind: Appreciate his or her efforts, make adjustments, give gentle suggestions, and provide plenty of positive feedback about what works!

sweet dreams

BETWEEN 6 AND 37 percent of women report having had orgasms in their sleep, depending on the study.

In my sleep I get vaginal orgasms, which I can’t achieve through sex, and I like those the best. My vaginal muscles start tightening and spasming, and I wake up and it just feels really good.

Every woman is different, so ask what she likes. Some don’t like it right on the clitoris, some do, but either way, don’t rub it like you’re trying to sandpaper something down. It hurts after a while. Penetration is good too, but don’t go too deep. Realize that the canal curves. Some partners wave their fingers around in there and it just feels weird, like there is a fish out of water up your vagina. Just rub around a little and massage the inside slowly.

It’s very frustrating when someone is unable to find the clitoris, so if you’re unsure of whether or not you’re stimulating it, ask.

Watch their reactions. I personally don’t like direct clitoral stimulation some of the time. If a woman squirms around and tries to wiggle away from your hand, then it probably doesn’t feel good and you should vary your technique.

○Enjoy yourself. A woman can find it hard to relax and enjoy if she gets the sense that her partner is bored, uncomfortable, or disinterested. On the flip side, if her partner is clearly enjoying him/herself (or even turned on), that’s fun! Don’t let clit play become a chore; it’ll stop working.

○Once she’s close to coming, don’t change what you’re doing. This is not the time to add variety or mix things up! Stay in the same spot, doing the same movement, until she comes or instructs you otherwise.

for those who have experienced abuse or assault

TRAUMATIC SEXUAL EXPERIENCES like sexual abuse or sexual assault can have a long-lasting impact on one’s sexuality. This is true regardless of exactly what happened, whether you’re male or female, whether the events were one-time or repeated, whether they happened as a child or an adult, and whether they were perpetrated by a stranger, relative, partner, doctor, teacher, or someone else. Abuse and assault survivors can face a myriad of different sexual challenges, including:

○difficulty getting aroused or having orgasms

○emotions, memories, or flashbacks of the traumatic event(s) related to certain kinds of touch or positions

○guilt about enjoying sex

○lack of interest in sex

○having sex compulsively even when they know it’s physically or emotionally unhealthy or unsafe

○discomfort with what kind of sex they like or what fantasies turn them on

○dissociating: keeping themselves mentally or emotionally separate from what they’re experiencing physically during sex

Sadly, given how common sexual abuse and sexual assault are, these issues and others affect too-large a percentage of people.

I was assaulted by a boyfriend when I was seventeen, and it has definitely affected the way I experience sexual relationships and pleasure. I sometimes don’t orgasm because I flash back to the assault and freeze up.

On the subject of orgasm, some survivors are confused because they had an orgasm while they were being abused or assaulted, or found the experience physically pleasurable. This does not mean that they wanted the abuse—physical arousal, pleasure, and orgasm are the body’s automatic, physiological responses to certain kinds of stimulation. Even if a survivor experienced these things, the experience was still unwanted and abusive.

I was raped when I was eleven. I’m just now able to begin to heal. As a survivor, I numbed myself from anything sexual. I dissociated my mind from my body. I still have trouble with masturbation
—
I have trouble not having flashbacks when I do it. I also have trouble feeling any kind of pleasure because when I was raped I did feel pleasure. I can’t get past my mental blocks yet, but I WILL!

The good news: It
is
possible to have a healthy, positive sex life after experiencing sexual trauma. The journey may (or may not) involve therapy, helpful books and websites, a support group, introspection, journaling, and a supportive partner. For addressing sex-related issues, we highly recommend the book
The Survivor’s Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse,
by Staci Haines. It’s relevant even if your sexually traumatic experience happened as an adult, and it’s inclusive of women of all sexual orientations. Also excellent are
Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse,
by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, and
The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse,
by Wendy Maltz, which address the broader issues of healing from abuse. For male survivors, we also recommend
Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse,
by Mike Lew. Many people find it helpful to work with a psychologist, clinical social worker, or other therapist as part of their healing process. You can also find local support groups and phone and online hotlines through the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network,
www.rainn.org
.

I was date raped when I was eighteen years old. Sometimes I think about that when I’m having sex and start sobbing and can’t continue with the sex. Now I am taking some “time off” to learn how to have healthy sexuality, starting with myself.

I was raped in high school, and for the next five years it affected both sexual experiences and the way I treated myself. The majority of my lovers were wonderful, warm, generous people, so it was time that healed my wounds, and now I respect my body and have the best sex life I could ever hope for.

If you’re the partner of an abuse or assault survivor, you may find helpful
Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child,
by Laura Davis. It’s written for partners who want to better understand the impact this past experience can have on their relationship, and how they can best support their loved one through the healing process.

Partners and allies can join survivors in working to end sexual violence. Some choose to get involved as volunteers at their local rape crisis center, or to participate in a campus or community group that educates about sexual assault prevention. National groups like Men Can Stop Rape (
www.mencanstoprape.org
) provide trainings and educational materials.

All people have the right to reclaim their sexual lives and find healthy, fulfilling, consensual sensuality and sexuality. The essential work continues as survivors, partners of survivors, and allies of all genders join together to create a culture free of sexual violence.

2

Petting the Bunny:
masturbation & female orgasm

masturbation is the
fastest and easiest way for many women to have orgasms, and the most common way for a woman to come for the first time. In our survey, women who had masturbated were far more likely to be orgasmic (by themselves or with a partner) than women who had never masturbated (88 percent compared to 48 percent). With no disease risk and no chance of accidentally getting knocked up, masturbation clearly has a lot going for it.

I knew some of my friends masturbated, but in general, I didn’t have much of a sex drive and wasn’t interested in sex with myself or others of any sort. It wasn’t until I was twenty that I first masturbated (two years after I first had sex), and after that, I realized that I was FAR better at making myself happy than anyone else was!

Masturbating is actually the quickest way for me to have an orgasm. While I really enjoy being sexual with my partner, it’s one of those things where you know your own body better than anyone else does. When I do it myself, it can happen in just a few minutes.

Some women are practically female masturbation cheerleaders; others enjoy self-loving privately but would be horrified to discuss the matter. Still others don’t masturbate at all for a variety of reasons. Whatever the case, the taboo against female masturbation is powerful. Not only do girls get the message that they’re not supposed to do it, they’re not even supposed to acknowledge that girls
can
masturbate. Confusion is rampant. One woman told us that growing up, she heard that masturbation was “touching yourself,” so she assumed she was masturbating anytime she scratched her ear or touched her arm. Another said she got the idea that masturbation required a large, expensive machine. “I was just a little kid,” she said, “so I couldn’t afford one of those machines. But I figured maybe I’d get one when I grew up.”

People start absorbing information about this subject from the time they’re babies. Parents often move babies’ hands away from their genitals and don’t teach them the words for that part of the body—a very different reaction than when the same baby explores his or her belly, ears, or toes. If this happens repeatedly, the baby quickly comes to the conclusion that this part of his or her body is “bad” or that touching it is “wrong.” As adults, most of us don’t have conscious memories of infancy. Yet feelings of shame can run deep, sometimes because they were planted so early, and sometimes because we live in a culture saturated with negative messages.

These messages often persist through childhood. One woman shared that when she was little, any time she or her siblings put their hands anywhere near their genitals, their mother would say, “That’s dirty! Move your hand!” Another remembers that after a day at the beach when she was a girl, she was in the outdoor showers with her mom and sisters. When she reached down to dump out the sand that had collected in the crotch of her bathing suit, her mom slapped her hand away, saying, “Get your hand away from there!” The take-home message that many kids learn is simple: Your genitals are nasty. Don’t touch them. If you take any interest in them at all, you’re a bad person.

Some girls follow instructions, not getting to know much about their own body and sexuality—and often discover they have a
lot
of catching up to do as adults. Other kids look and touch in secret, sometimes overwhelmed with shame and guilt. Most women we talk to say that if the subject of masturbation came up in conversation when they were teenagers, they’d squeal, “Eeewww, disgusting!” and
swear they didn’t do it—whether or not it was true. As one nineteen-year-old woman wrote on our survey:

Any time my friends talk about masturbation it’s followed by giggles and, “Ewwwwww
—
God no!” Yet in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “I LIKE IT!” I’m scared to say that out loud because it’s like masturbation is looked down upon.

To make matters worse, there’s a massive double standard that says masturbation is something boys do, and girls don’t. Some girls heard that masturbation is bad for everyone—but that boys can’t control themselves, so people make an exception for them. As a kid, one woman heard that if boys didn’t masturbate, they’d explode. (We can just imagine the seventh grade girl sitting in her classroom, watching the fiery explosion as the thirteen-year-old boy at the next desk self-combusts. “Poor thing,” she’d think to herself. “He really should have taken care of that.”)

My father mentioned masturbation as though it was normal for boys but only “certain kinds of girls” did it.

I was told that it was for boys to do. I never did it; I wouldn’t have known how to. Since I thought it was only for boys, I never really thought about trying to do it.

On average, boys and men do masturbate more than girls and women. Parents tend to be more accepting of their sons’ explorations, and boys tend to hear more about masturbation from other boys. Besides, boys’ genitals are
way
easier for them to discover, the way they just hang out down there, so easy to see and touch. Girls’ genitals, by comparison, are tucked neatly away where they’re less visible. It’s a handy place to have one’s genitals, but it means that it often takes girls a while longer to discover their clitoris. Boys even have to touch their penis every time they pee. If girls had to touch their clitoris every time they peed—and some women pee a lot of times in their lives!—they’d be 10,000 times more familiar with that part of their bodies. This puts women at a huge disadvantage.

These days, growing numbers of parents are teaching their kids the real words for the sex organs, communicating that these parts are healthy and normal, and in some cases, even letting their kids know that they think masturbation is perfectly okay (in private, not at the dinner table).