I Found You (40 page)

“Just let me talk a moment.”

“She hasn’t got a moment, friend,” the chef said behind me. I looked back. “Rachel, these are getting colder every second you’re stood there…”

“Yeah, I know.” I turned around, but Jason grabbed my elbow.

I glanced back, as I pulled it free. “I’m working, you’ll get me sacked.”

I moved away then, and took the desserts, not looking back.

The restaurant was noisy and people were drinking lots. The parties were booked in until one. We’d been juggling orders all night, trying to give them all a night to remember.

I was going to remember it.

Since I’d spoken to Jason, my hands had been shaking and my belly felt wobbly.

Declan was his boss. The guy Jason had been running down for weeks. I should have known.

But then how would I have connected the two?

I suppose I’d known Declan owned a magazine, but that was just one of his business ventures, it had never occurred to me it might be the magazine Jason worked for.

I couldn’t believe it. I’d been shoving the thought aside and just getting on with my job ever since I’d called him.

“Here are your desserts. I hope you enjoy them. The hot brownie’s my favorite.” I smiled and then turned back toward the kitchen for the next order at my table.

We were short on waitresses because others had the night off. I’d had my freedom over Christmas. This was payback.

I hurried back into the kitchen.

Jason was still there. “Jason, go away,” I breathed. “I need to concentrate.” There was another order waiting on the pass. I grabbed it and turned away as Jason tried to speak. I disappeared back through the door, before he had chance.

I wasn’t running from this, I just had a job to do. I focused my thoughts on it, clinging to a thread of normality––to physical activity. I felt the plates in my hands, and heard the noise of people talking, laughing, cutlery scraping plates; the music we had playing.

My heartbeat pounded through my veins.

Why did this have to happen, now? Now, when we’d just started to picture us and the baby together, and Jason was coming to terms with my bipolar, and
I
was coming to terms with it.

“Here you go. I hope you enjoy them. Eat them up before it’s midnight.” I smiled at the children. They were probably seven or eight. They looked tired, but their eyes shone at the sight of dessert. I imagined my baby at that age. I saw Jason, helping our son strike a baseball and hit it across a pitch. I even heard the leather ball hit the wood.

The child was going to be ours. Not Declan’s.

I pictured Jason and me, running together, with the baby resting in one of those three wheeled buggies. That was my future. I didn’t want to even think of Declan.

The children smiled, as I smiled.

I’d avoided medication for years, but now I longed for it. I was afraid I was going to sink too deep, and I didn’t want to sink again now. It was New Year’s, and I had a lot to look forward to.

Suddenly I was glad Jason was in the kitchen, because, he was here, waiting for me. He’d be there whenever I needed him.

“Right, two lemon meringues and a chocolate-fudge-sundae, coming right up.”

I dashed back out for the last order.

Jason was still there, waiting with his hands in his pockets. He threw me a conciliatory smile when I came through. I smiled back, and then took the last order out.

I couldn’t get back into the kitchen after that. Everyone wanted their drinks refreshed before midnight.

I glanced up at the clock. Five minutes to go.

Joe, the owner, switched the TV on so we could watch the celebrations in Times Square.

Last year, I had listened to them and watched fireworks going up all over New York, with Declan, standing on the patio of his penthouse, with his hand possessively at my waist as his wife had stood on the other side of him, not noticing what he did.

Why had I let him play his sordid games? Because I hadn’t cared for myself, I suppose. With Jason, I cared too much for myself. I wanted everything with him. My heart wanted to be in the kitchen where he was. But my head knew better. Maybe I was getting control of this madness thing.

Oh I was looking forward to this year, to having the baby.

It was nearly midnight. The door to the kitchen opened and Jason came in with the chef. I think my heart missed a beat. Jason was so handsome.

I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

I put the last of the drinks on the counter. Joe gave them out as Jason stepped behind the counter and joined me.

“You shouldn’t be round here,” I whispered.

He gripped my arm and leaned to my ear. “I want tequila, to see the New Year in. Will you join me?”

“The baby?”

“It’s just one, just have a sip.”

I glanced at him and then gave in, poured the shots and put out lemon and salt.

“You’re crazy, Jason Macinlay.”

“Actually babe, I think you are, but hey, that’s a whole other conversation.”

He’d calmed down enough to tease. That was a good sign.

The people on the TV started counting down, as the ball began dropping.

I looked at Jason.

He took hold of one of my hands.

Now was not the time to speak of Declan but to forget him.

Ridiculously my heart started pounding harder, and my stomach felt all warm and mushy, but I loved that Jason could affect me like this.
No
, I just loved him.

“Eight.” The people in the restaurant started counting, too, the three parties coming together.

“Seven.”

“Six.”

“Five.”

“Four.”

Jason’s fingers gripped mine harder.

“Three.”

When I looked at him he nodded at the shots.

Mine was no more than enough to wet my lips.

“Two.”

We both gripped the small shot glasses, our other hands still joined.

“One! Happy New Year!”

Jason smiled as he picked up his glass and I smiled too. We tipped salt in our mouths, drank and then bit the lemon.

Then in the next second his hand had braced my head and his lips were on mine and opening, and then his tongue was in my mouth. He tasted of lemon, salt, tequila.

I was breathless when the kiss ended. He was my world. Nothing and no one else existed.

“For the sake of auld lang syne my dears! For the sake of auld lang syne!” As the customers in the bar continued I just stared into Jason’s brown eyes. They carried his smile and they burned with love.

“Happy New Year,” he said.

“Happy New Year.” I breathed in. I didn’t know what to say now we could talk.

“I couldn’t believe how much stuff you had,” he whispered. “I mean, I know you’d said, but, Rach, it was endless.”

I just smiled.

“He’s not changed the room since you left, the only thing he’s done is put the photo of you in a drawer.”

“You saw that photograph.”

He nodded.

I’d hated it. I’d felt low the day it had been taken. Declan had spent thirty minutes persuading me to take my top off for the shot. It had all just felt wrong.

“It doesn’t matter. You told me how things were. I just… I hadn’t pictured it in my head, Rach, that’s all. And for it to be
him
…” A man Jason hated.

I nodded. I knew what he meant. I couldn’t believe I’d slept with Declan, and spent a year doing it, either. “I’m sorry”

“Rach, what have you got to be sorry about. You didn’t even know me when you were with him.”

“I’m glad I know you now.”

“So am I,” he said, quietly before picking me up and then swinging me round. “I’m glad I found you!”

I hadn’t noticed the customers stop singing, but they’d noticed us, and the room cheered then broke into laughter.

Jason set me down.

“A toast!” Joe, the owner called. “My waitress, Rachel, is a newlywed! To the newlyweds! Rachel and Jason!” He lifted his glass, and drank. Everyone in the room did too, all looking at us.

I knew I blushed.

Jason kissed me again, only briefly though.

The room cheered once more.

When he drew away he held my chin. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I whispered back as the others focused on their own fun again.

“He saw the scan today…”

“Who?”

“Asshole––Declan.”

“Oh no.”

“He didn’t know it was his child he was looking at. He said marriage and having kids was a waste of time. I saw his wife at the party. Justin told me the asshole had you both at one of his parties.”

“Yeah.” I didn’t know what else to say. I couldn’t believe Declan had seen the baby. He wouldn’t be interested though. I knew he wouldn’t. He’d rarely spoken of his wife and family to me. But whatever he had said about them had always been cruel. I’d felt sorry for that woman, even while I’d let her husband fuck me. I’d been really sick for that whole year, in more ways than one.

Jason kissed my lips again, bringing me back from the past, and then took a breath. “Mom thinks we ought to tell him. She said there’d be no comeback on you then, if he found out later. We should give him the chance and let him deny the opportunity. Then the child would be protected.”

I didn’t like the idea. I didn’t want Declan anywhere near my child. If I could extract his DNA, I would.

“She’s right, Rach.” Jason’s gaze burned into mine. “We need to start this year, and our family, without any fears that he’ll come knocking.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to see him, or speak to him. I left him. I have nothing else to say to him.” The memories of that era of my life, of all my life before Jason, stirred like monsters growling inside me. Thank God, I’d left it behind and gone to Manhattan Bridge.

“Then I’ll do it, you don’t need to be there, Rach. My fear is he’ll have gone to the police when you hurt him.”

I shook my head, again. “He wouldn’t have done that. We always had violent rows. He hit me. People in the lobby saw me with bruises.” God, I didn’t even want to think of anything that had happened then.

Jason’s hands gently gripped my upper arms. “Rach … ”

“Really, don’t feel sorry for me, I never held back on hitting him too. He liked it. That was half the reason he used to hit me, to make me hit him.” I wanted to hug Jason and cry. But that was stupid because those days seemed like years ago now, I didn’t even recognize that woman anymore.

Jason shook his head, his eyes bright with saline, too. “Well, I’m not letting that asshole anywhere near my child then.”

His child
. He would be the baby’s father.

“You can speak to him.” I whispered. “I don’t want anything to do with it.”

He nodded. “But Rach, it’s going to be hard to work there…”

I hadn’t even thought of it from his view. “I…” I didn’t know what to say.

I did hug him then, my arms about his neck, and he pressed his cheek against my hair. I swear I wasn’t ever letting go. “Jason, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not. I’m fucking glad you left him, and if it means I need to find another job, I’ll find another job.”

I nodded as I pulled away and met his gaze.

“It’s going to be okay, Rach,” he whispered. He’d been saying that a ton of times lately. I hoped he was right.

Chapter Twenty Four

I left Jason in bed the next morning, when I got up to get ready to go to the restaurant. He was suffering with a hangover. He’d drunk a lot, for him. We’d been at the restaurant until two a.m. and while I’d been tidying up after the customers left, he’d sat at the bar talking to Joe and drinking.

I’d kept glancing at him, as he sat on a high stool leaning on the bar, with his legs slightly splayed.

I’d just kept thinking how lucky I was.

When I was drying my hair after I’d showered, I heard his cell ringing in the living room.

I glanced at Jason, he was flat-out, lying on his stomach, his arms gripping his pillow. He looked pale, and I knew he’d woken with a pounding headache.

I smiled. My husband was wonderful, but he wasn’t very good at handling his drink.

I went to see who was ringing.

His mom’s image flashed up on the screen.

I put the towel down and reached out as the cell vibrated again on the kitchen counter.

I didn’t know if I dared answer it. But his mom would worry if he didn’t respond. She’d know he wasn’t at work today, and she knew he’d been upset last night.

I pressed, answer. “Hey, Mrs. Macinlay.”

“Rachel? Where’s Jason?”

“Sleeping. He drank too much last night, but don’t worry he’ll feel better in a couple of hours, and then he’ll probably go running to clear his head.”

“Oh, yes, yes, I’m sure he will.”

She sounded like she felt awkward.

“Did you want me to take a message? I answered because I knew you’d worry if Jason didn’t pick up. I know he spoke to you last night when he was upset.”

“Yes, Rachel––”

“Did he tell you we saw the scan?”

“Yes, he did.” Her voice seemed to lighten a little.

But the words kept falling out my mouth, because I wasn’t sure what to do. “It was awesome. Did Jason tell you the baby was sucking its thumb? I couldn’t believe how perfect he looked.”

“He?”

“Oh, we don’t actually know if it’s a boy. But Jason thinks it’s gonna be a boy, and he keeps calling the baby
him
so I’ve started saying, him, too. It seems better than saying ‘it’ doesn’t it?”

“Yes, Rachel, dear, it does.” She sounded relaxed and amused as she answered, and then I heard what she’d said;
dear
.

I didn’t know what to say suddenly.

“Rachel, I want to apologize to you. Myself, and Darren, Jason’s father, feel very bad about not welcoming you over Christmas. We are sorry we made you feel uncomfortable. We misunderstood what had happened with you and Jason. We understand now. We want you to know that you are welcome here, anytime, and you must call me ‘mother’ and think of me as a mother going forward, and we shall try to treat you like a daughter, Rachel.”

“Oh, Mrs. Macinlay, that’s okay, I understood. I know it was only because you love Jason, you were just worried about him. Parents should worry, if they’re good parents. And I did have a lovely Christmas day, you have a nice home, and you’re nice people, and you raised Jason really well.”