I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends (2 page)

Okay, that was kind of mean. I’m not going to lie. I was a bitch to some of the girls in the house. Hindsight is 20/20, right? After the proposal, I ultimately owned up to my behavior on “Women Tell All,” when the cast came together to rip me a new one and make me cry on-camera (well played, ladies). But I’d just like to say that at this point during filming, I honestly did not know I was going to be portrayed as the worst villain in
Bachelor
history, a.k.a. “America’s most hated.” I genuinely thought I was being funny. It’s sort of like those contestants on
American Idol,
who really have no clue that they can’t sing. I guess I found out the hard way that stand-up comedy is not my forte.

Back to the Matterhorn. While I was in the makeup chair, I overheard one of the producers say that the makeup artist had
just
left Lindzi’s room. I realized one of two things: either they gave me the later time slot for makeup because they knew I hadn’t been able to sleep or—even better—Lindzi was starting filming first, which would mean Ben was going to propose to me after he sent her trekking back down the mountain.

Wow, this is really almost over. Today was officially the end of “the journey” and the last day I would see all the people I had spent every day and night with for the past twelve weeks. It was bittersweet. The crew and producers had become like family to me. I was sad and, at this point, so nervous I could barely speak. But I had one last confessional to do. They brought me into an empty hotel room, decorated with the requisite display of burning candles. My favorite producer walked in. He was the only one I’d been able to open up to. He asked me, “What are you thinking about?”

“My family,” I said. I had a huge lump in my throat. I couldn’t swallow or breathe. My heart actually hurt. Every emotion came rushing to me, like a flashback of my life. I thought about what my dad would say if he were here. And of my ex-boyfriend Chris.

Although I’d lost track of the date, I realized it was very close to Chris’s birthday, and I couldn’t help but feel guilty that I may end up engaged on the very day. But Chris had his chance. After locking eyes at a stoplight in Scottsdale in 2000, we had ended up dating on and off for seven years. I wanted to get married but he wasn’t ready. We saw each other before I went on
The Bachelor
and he told me he loved me but wanted to support my decision to move on.

Another ex wasn’t so diplomatic.
Desperate Housewives
and
Dallas
star Jesse Metcalfe also called me before taping began and tried to talk me out of it. “Fuuuck, this guy is going to pick you,” he moaned. But his words were hollow. We also dated on and off for six years and had crazy chemistry. I tried three solid times to make my relationship with Jesse work, but he always disappointed me. He’d call me one night and then I’d see him the next day on TMZ on a date with another woman.

All of my relationships leading up to Ben were ultimately disappointing. I’d dated
Entourage
star Adrian Grenier (sweet but noncommittal), Reese Witherspoon’s now-husband Jim Toth (down-to-earth but too old for me at the time), and “regular” guys like my ex Dylan, who liked to lie passed out on my couch and have me bring home a Subway sandwich for him after I worked my butt off all day. It seems like I’ve gotten around, but the truth is I can count on three hands the guys I’ve slept with. And I’ve never cheated on anyone.

So Ben seemed to be what I’d been looking for my whole life. He said he was ready to get married and knew what he wanted. He was funny, smart, and owned his own business. He seemed like a real man to me (though oddly he did like Justin Bieber’s music more than a twenty-nine-year-old man should) and we had good sex—so far. That was very important to me. If the sex had been bad, I couldn’t accept a proposal. As crazy as it seemed,
The Bachelor
had truly brought me to the man of my dreams.

AT 1:00
P.M.
,
after hours of waiting and pacing, I finally got escorted to a helicopter decked out in my horrendous cape and gloves (Cary, the stylist, had taken an emergency eleventh-hour train trip to Milan, Italy, to get me matching black boots). I was terrified, but also over the moon in love. I prayed Ben was, too. As the helicopter lifted, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I looked to the producer sitting right next to me with tears in my eyes, and he nodded his head. The cameraman sitting across from me in the jump seat had tears rolling down his cheeks as he filmed. The pilot looked back at me, and asked, “Are you okay?” He’d been watching me cry, and I think he was actually concerned. I felt a little scared. As we flew over a cliff, I saw Ben standing there, and a sense of calm came over me. He was the reason I was still here. He was worth it all.

When we landed, I stepped out of the helicopter, remembering to be careful of the blades. I mean how much would it have sucked to make it this far and then have my head sliced off? I refused to die in this dress. I saw
Bachelor
host Chris Harrison smiling, and the look on his face gave it away.
I’m getting engaged! Or I’m getting dumped. Help.

I couldn’t see Ben from the spot where we landed. It was really quiet and it seemed to be just Chris and me. I’d worried that it would be freezing outside, but it was warm and now I was stuck wearing that darn cape. I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back, I was channeling Cruella De Vil without the Dalmatian spots.

Chris greeted me with a hug, and asked, “Can I take your cape?”
I thought you’d never ask, Chris.
I didn’t want to get engaged or broken up with wearing it. I would feel silly. I gave him the cape and he extended his arm for me to take it. Chris had been nothing but nice to me this entire time, and I felt very comfortable with him. He was like a machine. I could tell he wasn’t nervous at all. We started to walk toward the top of the hill. I tried to make small talk with him, to get some of my nerves out.

While we waited, I thought about what I was going to say to Ben when I saw him. I had it memorized and was playing it over and over in my head. We started moving again and finally made it to the top of the hill. I wondered how Ben felt at this moment. I hoped he was in a good place, and that if he had sent Lindzi home that it wasn’t too emotionally draining on him. I’d tried to shut off the idea that he’d been dating other women the whole time, but I also wanted him to be happy. And if Lindzi was his choice, then so be it. Okay, that was a lie. I’d have flipped out.

But then, just like in a classic rom-com, I saw Ben again, standing patiently in a gorgeous valley in front of, what else, the Matterhorn. He looked so handsome and was wearing my favorite suit, a dark blue Hugo Boss with a skinny velvet tie. He’d worn it during a Rose Ceremony back in San Francisco and I’d told him how sexy he looked. I felt like it was a secret sign that he was wearing it again for me. I just wanted to run up to him and hug him. I was always so happy to see him. He flashed me a big smile and waved. I waved back. Chris pointed out the path, gave me a hug, and said, “Good luck.”

As I walked to Ben, I shouted hello in a voice that came out just a little bit too chipper. My heart was racing, and part of me wondered if I’d even be able to get out what I had to say without fainting.
I can do this,
I thought.
I have to tell him how I feel
. We greeted each other with a hug, and I took a deep breath.
Here I go
: “I’m a little nervous,” I told him.

He took my hands. I took another deep breath. “Ben, I just want to thank you for this amazing experience.” I started crying on-camera but this time I didn’t care. “Thank you for making me believe in true love again. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I would be the luckiest girl to have you. I will love you forever.” As tears rolled down my face, he gave me a quick kiss. I thought this was another good sign.

He took a moment while I composed myself. “You kind of took my breath away there,” he said, smiling. “What a journey, what a journey. It has been an incredible road getting to this point with you through all of the ups and downs. We have encountered real signs of what life could be, from our first date in Sonoma, where I felt we were on this same path, this wavelength of sorts where we understood each other.

“To Belize, where I had a moment—past, present, and future—on top of the ruin. It always seems like whenever I’m with you I have this incredible moment. I can see myself with this woman for the rest of my life. And I want you to know I think you are an incredible woman.”

My eyes were totally focused on his face. “
But
,” he said suddenly, “I had promised myself that I wouldn’t get down on one knee again unless I was certain it was forever.” Last season, he’d been humiliated by Bachelorette Ashley Hebert, who not only slept with him in the Fantasy Suite but let him propose before she rejected him by lifting him back up by his elbow.

My heart dropped, and in that moment I realized he was about to dump me. I was so frazzled I forgot that every single Bachelor does the “
but
” sentence with the winner for dramatic effect. They’ve done it every time! And yet, I felt all the blood rush out of my face, which started twitching uncontrollably. I could tell I was frowning.

“
But
I want to tell you,” Ben started up again, “that you are my forever and I have waited a really, really long time to tell you that I’m in love with you more than you will ever know and that this whole experience and journey has been worth it every step of the way.”

This was the first time Ben told me he was in love with me on-camera. When he started to kneel down, holding my hands the whole time, my heart felt like it was going to burst. “So with all that said, Courtney”—he opened the ring box—“will you marry me?”

I tried to wipe tears away from my eyes, but that long black glove was in the way. Oh no! I forgot to take it off. “Yes, of course, I will! I love you so much.” I whipped the glove off, and he placed the ring on my finger. As he got up I said, “I will love you forever.”

He repeated it back to me: “I will love you forever.” We hugged and kissed and said, “I love you so much,” like three times.

“I was hoping you would say yes,” Ben told me.

“Any doubt?” I asked him.

“You never know,” Ben said.

“This is the best day of my life.”

“Mine, too,” he answered quickly. “But there’s one more thing I have to do.” He reached beside him and picked up the final red rose. “Courtney, will you accept this rose?” he asked with a familiar smirk on his face.

“Yes, I do,” I told him. We kissed passionately.

I heard loud cheering and clapping. We were finally done filming! It was a miracle! I looked around, but couldn’t see anyone. Ben pointed to a far-off area. “Everyone is over there.” All of the producers,
Bachelor
creator Mike Fleiss, Chris Harrison, jeweler Neil Lane, and the cameramen were all watching us. It was then that I realized,
The show is over
! We can finally be together the way we want to be, normally, without cameras around us!

Then Ben and I had our first private conversation as the future Mr. and Mrs. Flajnik. At first it was wonderful. “Did you ask my dad?”

“Yes, I called him yesterday. We had a great chat.” I gave him a big hug and kiss. This made me so happy.

I whispered, “How did it go with—her? Are you okay?” I never liked to say the other girls’ names to him. I tried to pretend it was just the two of us all along. I would joke and say “what’s her butt” or “that other girl,” instead of Lindzi. But I genuinely felt bad for her at this moment. I hoped she wasn’t really devastated and hurt. Maybe they did really have a connection. I wondered why he would have an overnight date with her
and
Nicki Sterling? The same type of overnight date where he told me that he was in love with me? I questioned the sincerity of the words he told me, but brushed it aside.

One of my number one concerns this whole time had been that he was just here to promote his winery, and that he was just really good at saying all the right things. The doubt started to creep back in again.

I was also hoping we were really engaged. What if off-camera he said we should take things slow, and just be boyfriend and girlfriend? I’d have to ask him all of these things later. At that point, I was just trying to enjoy the moment.

We filmed the last scene of us running off together, down a hill toward the Matterhorn, while helicopters hovered over us. We embraced, kissed, and then Ben picked me up and spun me around. We saw everyone run out and start cheering and clapping again. That’s a wrap! We were done! I was overjoyed. Ben and I were now able to be together. I could call my family.

As we filmed our first and last interview together, I was beaming. “I’m the happiest girl in the world,” I declared. Ben agreed: “I’m the happiest guy in the world!” It felt like a perfect fairy-tale ending, that is, until I made my first joke as the future Mrs. Flajnik. A helicopter flew overhead with a wooden box hanging from it, probably carrying equipment inside. I pointed to the box and blurted out, “Is Lindzi in there?” The whole crew died laughing, but Ben covered my mouth. He didn’t seem to get my sense of humor just yet.

We all loaded into a nearby train, and started our trip back into the picturesque city of Zermatt, where Ben and I would get to stay in our own private ski chalet for the next two nights. Neil Lane was standing next to us on the train. I walked over and gave him a big hug and thanked him for designing the beautiful engagement ring, which I later learned cost a whopping $80,000. Neil asked to take a picture with us, and I said, “Of course!” I was hoping to get a copy of the snapshot to remember this day myself. Ben did not seem happy about the photo op and ignored Neil. “He’s a weird dude,” Ben whispered to me. For the first time ever, I saw a different side to him. He was being standoffish and antisocial, and it made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t understand why he was being so rude.